Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this bullying ? Am I a bully

112 replies

kittensinmydinner1 · 07/10/2017 17:52

All afternoon dsd has been going on about a particular thing she would like. She asked her df if he would go get it for her. He said no. Not now. (He has been to and fro from the shops all day and we live quite rurally so not a quick walk at least a 30 minute drive)
I asked what time their train home was tomorrow. Then said I would leave 20 minutes earlier and drop her at the shop to get the item. She said she didn't know how to get to the train station from there. (It's a 7 minute walk in a straight line) . I explained this but she looked confused. I then said, no problem. I will take you there. Wait while you get it and drop you at the station.

Her reply was 'I'll just get it at the town where she changes trains'. I felt quite upset by this. I thought I was doing something nice . She has literally gone on all afternoon about this. I told her I thought she was being quite ungrateful. She stomped off and DH accuses me of bullying her. I am really upset. I genuinely thought I was being kind.
DH then comes and shouts at me and has a go for upsetting and abusing his daughter.

I left the house to go and calm down.
I think she was really rude. The message I get is i want xxxx but I don't want your to be involved.
I pick up/drive at the moment because DH has medical condition preventing him driving. I try to make our home welcoming. I have just spend over an hour making a nice supper.
I have been their step mother for over a decade and we have them every fortnight without fail.
Have I missed something. ? Dsd is curled up on the sofa with father.

I don't feel like doing anything more for them as offers to assist make life more enjoyable are construed as bullying and am the bad guy.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 07/10/2017 18:21

Ah cross post. But why would your dsd ask her df to drive her somewhere when she knows her dm has prohibited this? And he’s pkaying along obvs.

steff13 · 07/10/2017 18:21

How is it ungrateful to NOT expect someone to go out of their way for you?
Was she nasty when she said it?

Deemail · 07/10/2017 18:22

She wants the item now not tomorrow, it's a big deal in her head.
Her attitude has nothing to do with not wanting you to be involved she can see it's pointless for you to drop her to the shop earlier and then expect her to walk 7 whole minutes to the train station when she can't picture the route in her head. It's easier for her to get the item when she's changing trains and knows exactly where to go.
I guarantee you she would accept your involvement if you hopped to it and agreed to drive to the shop right now.
Her excuse for all the high drama is she's 13, a hormonal immature teen, who's going to be driven by nature to get much much worse in the next few years
What's your excuse? You made an offer, she didn't want to accept and you went off on one, that's childish and an unnecessary reaction.

TheBananaStand2 · 07/10/2017 18:23

I wouldn't worry, OP. Dads can be v protective of their dds and it doesn't sound from an outside perspective like you're being abusive.

Bluntness100 · 07/10/2017 18:24

It also seems your way was quite cumbersome op when she can just get it when she changes trains. Seems she found the sensible solution and you snapped becayse she didn’t do it your hard way.

As said, I think there is a back story here.

OnionKnight · 07/10/2017 18:27

You all sound like idiots.

Original poster
kittensinmydinner1 · 07/10/2017 18:27

No, I promise you. That was the sum total of the exchange.
Thank you Jasminedes I think you are spot on. I have teenagers of my own that live with us, so am not an amateur in their strange and interesting ways... but this has upset me because I was genuinely trying to be nice . It feels like a real slap in the face. In the scheme of things not huge but DH not just taking sides but calling me an abusive bully has really hurt.
The dsd in question always calls/texts me if she wants something. Never shy to ask for phone top up or to get me to ask her DF to do something for her.
Why would they think imma bully ? Why would I bully someone to take them out of my way, and spend extra time doing something I didn't need to do except to make her life more pleasant ?

OP posts:
ShapelyBingoWing · 07/10/2017 18:28

I don't really get why you felt the need to call her ungrateful? Sounds like it was becoming more effort than it's worth so she decided to pick it up at a different point in her journey?

I'm poor with directions and will actively plan to pick things up on routes I know. If I'd been called ungrateful for it then I wouldn't be best impressed either.

There's got to be more than you're telling us here. Why dis you decide she was ungrateful instead of just leaving her to do it herself? And why dis they actually use the word abusive? It's a weird one to call you if all you've done is say she's ungrateful.

SemiNormal · 07/10/2017 18:28

If I was being accused of being abusive towards a child I would want nothing to do with them again. Leave her father to do the parenting from now on.

Does she perhaps blame you for the break up of her parents? You say you've been a step parent for over a decade, she's only 13 so you must have got married quite quickly (or involved with parenting her quickly) after getting together with her father?

diddl · 07/10/2017 18:28

You offered & she said no.

Why is that such a problem?

It doesn't sound as if she was necessarily rude or ungrateful.

Why should you be involved if she doesn't want you to be?

I don't get why her not wanting you to do this one thing means that you now resent what you do.

isadoradancing123 · 07/10/2017 18:31

They are both being ungrateful and rude

sleeponeday · 07/10/2017 18:32

Well, unless you are secretly evil and this is a tiny snapshot of an otherwise dark past, your DSD is being a bratty teen (which is healthy and her job) and your DH is being a twat.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/10/2017 18:35

I think a) she wanted to demand it of her father, and that it was more of an emotional transaction

I thought this, too - that it was her DF's attention she wanted, not yours.

But I think that you over-reacted because you felt that you were doing a lot and putting yourself out for her (which you were prepared to do, and it was kind of you), and your DH over-reacted by accusing you of being a bulky whale you were reacting to being hurt. (Maybe a bit of a guilty conscience on his part).

Anyway - your DSD got the attention she (may have) wanted if she's curled up with her dad now.

diddl · 07/10/2017 18:37

Why is the step daughter a brat for not doing what the Op wants?

I'm not sure that it makes the Op a bully, but calling her step daughter ungrateful seems unnecessary & I'm not surprised her dad pulled Op up on it.

GreenTulips · 07/10/2017 18:38

I have a 13 year old and they are ungrateful

Your DH is the bully here - he can drive her tomorrow whether the mother likes it or not

Now out and let him pick up the pieces

just5morepeas · 07/10/2017 18:39

Since they seem to think you're being a bully I'd leave the rest of the care of her to your dh this visit, including dropping her off. Just tell them it wouldn't be appropriate for you two to be alone if they feel this way. Or find something urgent you have to do that means you can't do the drop off.

Then after she's left and things have had a chance to cool down I'd ask your dh if he genuinely thinks you've been a bully and if so why.

You need to get to the bottom of this if you're all going to have a good relationship in the future. Teenagers can be little bastards so you need to be on the same page.

Normalserviceissuspended · 07/10/2017 18:39

I try to make our home welcoming.

Isn't it her home?

Original poster
kittensinmydinner1 · 07/10/2017 18:40

Parent split up when she was 3. We got together when 3.5. (5 other older siblings) married 7 yrs. been in her life every other weekend for a decade.

The 'I'll just pick it up at xxx' (change trains station) was bizarre because the item is a good 20 minute walk each way in that town. My offer was (after dropping the idea of walking to the station) very simple. Drop at the shop, I wait 5 mins and then drive her down to the station. I guess I would have found The rebuffing of my offer easier with , ' don't worry, it's not a big deal' or 'thank you. (!!!) but I've gone off the idea' . It was the 'I'll get it in xxx' with no acknowledgement of the fact I was offering a kindness.

OP posts:
Original poster
kittensinmydinner1 · 07/10/2017 18:44

Yes it's OUR home ! Me, DH, and 7 teenagers. Please don't start that. It's been their home that they live in 4 days a month. For the last decade. (Most are out/ at uni/ doing their own thing. This one is the youngest

OP posts:
why12345 · 07/10/2017 18:45

If her dad has been to and from the shops all day why didn't he just pick it up for her?

SemiNormal · 07/10/2017 18:45

Well if I'd been involved in a childs life for that long and wasn't the cause of their parents breaking up and was then called abusive I'd not be happy about it at all - and I'd not be doing anything else for said child until I go an apology from your OH and step daughter.

diddl · 07/10/2017 18:45

So you didn't like the way that she told you that she would get it at the place she changes trains?

Quartz2208 · 07/10/2017 18:46

I agree with deemail the difference is between now and tomorrow is the crucial one in her mind you are not offering an incentive

The thing is she is not your issue, the exchange with her sounds perfectly normal teenage

The ungrateful I think is you take it personally. No the issue is with your husband

sonjadog · 07/10/2017 18:48

I think the issue is with your DH rather than your step-daughter. In what way does he think you are bullying her? Ask him to explain.

KatieHF · 07/10/2017 18:49

I may be wrong but could it maybe be that she wanted some time with her dad?. How often does she see him?. Does she spend time just her and him?. I'm a step child myself and whenever my step mum would drop me home with my dad I'd hate it because I'd want time with my dad. I don't think she did anything wrong. How long have you been with her dad?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.