To hate being call mum (by strangers)

[Bunnyhipsdontliegrl]

I was just reading this

yomadac.com/2017/10/06/mother-plans-to-give-child-to-adoption-if-she-hears-bubba-or-mama-one-more-time/

And it reminded me of being called "mum" by the nurses/nursery workers and how much I hated it. I also hated the word Bubba and the general patronising/infantilising tone some people used to talk to me (why did I sign for it for a second time? )

AIBU to ask you what were the things that drove you crazy when you had a baby?

It is a lighthearted thread, I realise some people had real problems when trying to conceive/welcoming a baby and being called mum is not really one. I just want to know if I was the only cranky new mother out there

YANBU, I asked an optometrist testing my son's eyes not to do it and he rolled his eyes and said what a PP said that he couldn't be expected to use parents' names. I said he didn't have to use any name at all as I was in the room, so he didn't need to address me by name and that if he were looking at me when he was speaking to me I'd know I was being addressed.... I'm sure he thought I was a snotty cow but I hate that 'mum sit there' business. It's dehumanising when it's done by some pompous elderly privileged white doctor.

Why not just introduce yourself when they do it? They say how is mum today? And you say "Jane, nice to meet you! Im fine", I work with children (HCP) all day and hardly anyone ever just introduces themselves to me, I only have their Childs name not theirs.
I would also use mum I guess because Im mostly talking to the child, or at least so they understand. It seems a bit more friendly? It sort of just comes naturally, and tbh I'm normally more concerned about the Childs health at that point in time and very pushed for time so I want to concentrate on what's wrong. I try and avoid it now I've heard people on mn say they dislike it, but I'm mostly concerned about what the child likes best. Its the childs appointment in the end.

Also I don't mean to say I just talk to the child and not the parent! Obviously I will talk sometimes to just the parent but I think it wounds a bit less scary I guess to say "I'm just gonna have a chat with mum" to me it feels more like the Childs involved. Im never going to remember all the parents names (thats if they ever tell me in the first place) so if I'm talking to a child I will use the name the child gives them, because the time is really for the child.

My daughter has had serious health issues (she's 12 now) and I co-chair a charity connected with her initial health problem. For parents who spend weeks or months in hospital, being called Mum or Dad can be something that adds to their trauma. They rarely raise it in my experience as it has become standard and they don't want to seem ungrateful. I definitely wouldn't expect someone in A&E to use my name but five months on a paeds ward? Yes.

My MIL calls me Mummy. Drives me fucking crackers. It's kind of ok if it's in context, i.e. she's talking to DD. To my face when the kids aren't around though? Oh hell no.

DH didn't understand my rage until I pointed out that it would me like my mum calling him Daddy. That soon shut him up!

I've taken to ignoring / pretending not to hear her until she uses my proper name.

Referring to someone else as mum in a conversation about them when they are not there is not so bad. I'm a teacher and if in a safeguarding meeting or something when the parents aren't there we'd say eg mum has been informed. But to their face is patronising. At a school my kids went to before we moved, I'd ring up and say "Hello, it's Real Avo, babyavo's mum" and the receptionist would trill back "hello mum". What's wrong with hello?

It just isn't necessary in many situations, is it?

Health Visitors are the worst for this. Given that they work with mothers all day, it seems odd that this isn't part of their training. It doesn't sit with me to ask people about their experience of their current mental state or relationship, but not bother to look at what their name is. It doesn't build any sense of rapport.

We're in a non-emergency situation. You've got my red book with the baby's name and my name clearly written in. How is it so difficult to look at that?

I worked in a hospital as part of a large interdisciplinary outpatient team. We met families only a few times as part of their assessment, and we never called anyone 'mum'. There's no need for it when the correct information is right there in front of you.

I hate being called Mum. It drives me nuts.

I don't really understand why it bothers people tbh. I kind of like it. If it's in the context of a health professional or teacher using it, it means the child is included in the conversation, as 'mum' etc, is who the child knows me as. I don't expect people to remember my name when dealing with my child - I have a terrible memory for names, so never take it personally if someone gets mine or even my child's wrong. So long as they are doing their best to deal with the matter in hand. I'm relying on their training and consideration of the situation, not on their ability to recall my name (out of the numerous other people they have to see!). I certainly don't feel depersonalised by it.

florenceandthewashingmachine I've experienced similar and it's really got to me! DD was seriously ill in hospital for a long time and we lived in the hospital with her. Throughout we were referred to as mum and dad , including by one HCP we saw on a daily basis throughout our stay. After a long time, the mum thing started to bother me as it actually seemed odd given how long we'd been around (e.g. to me: would mum like to take a seat, to DD: have you been a good girl for mum, etc)

We continued appointments regularly as outpatients and the mum thing continued. Then there was a multidisciplinary meeting of which I was a key part and I asked the HCP for a copy of the minutes several times and they were always forgotten and I never got them.

The final straw was when I was diagnosed with a life threatening illness myself and I emailed the HCP to tell her and she cheerily asked if I would continue to bring DD for her weekly appts (a 4 hour round trip).

Obviously the mum thing was the least of my issues in the whole thing but I think when you are talking about a long period of time with very regular contact then it sets a very odd tone and doesn't help build trust or respect!

I work in a school in a safeguarding role and am frequently in meetings where parents are called mum and dad by social workers and the like.

I don't like it either, but it can be difficult when you're the minute-taker if there are several people with the same name.

I once had three people called Mrs X in the same meeting - mum, grandma and aunt.

If there is a situation (say toddler group) when a person who does not know you asks your child to take something to Mummy do you get annoyed? I do not understand all this angst ?

I can sort of understand the annoyance at being called it to your face in a repeated, non-emergency situation where you've told someone your name.

I can't understand the level of annoyance or the feeling the need to analyse why it's done, what's behind it and will no one think of the pronouns?!

sandgrown no because they are talking to the child and referring to the person they know as mum/mummy. When you are talking to me, "How are you" is the right way to ask me a question, not "how is Mum today".

2 years old toddlers refer to themselves by their name, not grown up women who have a functioning brain. Would it seem normal if I started to say "Mum would like a skinny latte please" at Starbucks. Or answered "Mum had a really good day, Mum went to a meeting this morning and then Mum went on a lunch date" when a friends asks me about my day.

I am not Mum. I am Bunnyhipsdontlie, someone's mum and calling me mum when it is not necessary (what is wrong with "please have a seat" instead of "mum, have a seat") is creepy. It is like my brain is always unplugged unless I hear the word Mum. It is a sneaky way to make sure I remember I am just a Mum and I am talking to someone who is superior to me ("Good job Mum, you're really good at changing nappies. Now, mum you have a seat and you let the grown-ups talk")

But, yeah, in the case of a medical emergency, I'd let it slip, I would obviously not care how I am called.

I can't understand the level of annoyance or the feeling the need to analyse why it's done, what's behind it and will no one think of the pronouns?!

Eh, up to you. I find it a bit strange that professionals are so comfortable with it to the point where they aren’t interested in why they think this is the only way to talk about adults in a patient or child’s life, when multi-disciplinary teams working with adults seem to muddle through somehow.

‘It’s just the way we do things’ is a bit weak, isn’t it? Does it carry over to how you talk to the adults? As another poster has said, it’s habit forming and easy to slip into.

As I’ve said, the talking to rather than about bothers me more, because frankly I’m there. But it seems like a crutch to a lot of people. I’ve never had anyone use my name as much in conversation as some HCPs seem to need to call me ‘Mum’.

My own kids don’t call me Mum - so my eldest has commented when others do it so no, it’s not putting him at his ease either. It’s bizarre from near-strangers.

‘It’s just the way we do things’ is a bit weak, isn’t it?

Not really, no. We are too busy trying to deal with horrific child abuse to really care, a lot of the time.

Does it carry over to how you talk to the adults?

I have already said no, but again, no. I'm a trained professional and I deal with people respectfully.

(Even if they're religious, as I see you seem to be following me round a few threads )

I also don't think I am equal to my child's teachers and HCPs- I do view them as superior and have no problem being treated that way.

I realise this might be different if my child had a long term condition as I would (though necessity) know a lot more about it. And, yes, I do refer to myself as mummy / mum in front of my children. As do most of the parents I know.

I have already said no, but again, no. I'm a trained professional and I deal with people respectfully.

Great. Unfortunately that’s not all that common, and for the many who think it’s appropriate to address an adult who isn’t their mother as ‘mum’, the reflection I suggested might be appropriate.

Even if they're religious, as I see you seem to be following me round a few threads

I didn’t notice. Deepest apologies.

I hate being called mum by anyone but my kids.

I don't mind a 'why don't you ask your mum if blah blah' type statement, it's when it's directed at me that I don't like it. 'How are we today mum?' That sort of thing. I know why people do it but doesn't stop it from irritating!

Professorcat I'm not sure why you keep on going on about how you call parents when they are not there when obviously people on this thread repearly said it bothers them to be called Mum when they are talked to

*repeatedly

Because the OP didn't specify and it developed from there? Y'know, how threads tend to progress?

No I don't know, you haven't said "does Mum knows how threads progress". But thanks for trying to explain to me non the less

That's because I don't say Mum to people's faces