Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for my money back from friend?

82 replies

ladyface69 · 07/10/2017 13:32

Hello,

I'm asking for advice as I'm a bit stuck as to where to go from here.
My friend of a good number of years recently left her partner who was quite abusive and controlling, and a heavy class A drug user. She has a son with him and a daughter from a previous relationship. Following the split she was housed in emergency accommodation which was not a very nice environment for her or the children.

Myself and other friends were very supportive before and after the split, she and the kids stayed at our houses before she got the accommodation, we babysat, took them out for the day, and tried to help her keep some normality.

My parents have recently bought a house to let out to supplement their pension, and by good fortune it was available at the time that she needed a permanent home. Unfortunately she did not have the money for a deposit.

I lent her the money (just shy of £500), as I didn't want her to have to stay in the temp. accommodation with her children as they had been through so much already. I helped her move in and get settled, and my parents have been very forgiving in terms of giving her furniture items that she needed.

Since she moved in it has been virtual radio silence from her, she has not answered calls or messages from myself or friends and I have also found out that she was 2 weeks late on her first rent payment to mum and dad, which is causing them some stress - and probably regret that they seem to have an awkward tenant in when I had vouched for her character as a friend.

After cold-calling at her house and messaging her sister to ask if she was alright (said friend had managed to post status updates and profile pictures on facebook however, despite not replying to any of us) she eventually messaged me to see what was up.
I replied saying I was a little concerned about her lack of contact with me and asked if she had had any joy with the deposit.
Friend stated that the council have said they only pay in arrears and she should not have paid the deposit in the first place. She said she would try to get the money together for me 'one way or the other' but did not give any indication on time scales.
Since then I have messaged again and have had no reply.

I really am torn here, I'm quite upset about the £500 because it was a big chunk of my personal savings and now I'm not sure if i will ever see it again. I'm also worried that I have got my parents into a mess with a tenant that isn't reliable, and I can't 'call her out' on anything in case it jeopardizes Mum and Dad's house.

I'm also sad about the potential loss of a good friend...
And think it's quite likely that she has begun using drugs as this was happening in her last relationship.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
putdownyourphone · 07/10/2017 14:49

Never lend money you can't afford to lose. I think you have to accept that's gone and decide whether that's more important than the friendship.

With her living in your parents house, it's tough. Be honest with your parents and see what they would like to do. It's their property afterall.

Ghostontoast · 07/10/2017 14:51

Agree your parents will need to start process to recoup unpaid rent and possibly start eviction process.

No good deed goes unpunished - Sad I would be surprised if your ever see that £500 again, your parents get paid rent, they don't have to pay out for legal/court fees and they don't get the house trashed. An expensive life lesson for you and your parents.

Ghostontoast · 07/10/2017 14:52

I don't think such a friendship with a junkie will survive whatever happens and she is going to rinse her "friends" well and truely.

viques · 07/10/2017 14:53

OP take comfort in the knowledge that you are a good friend and a kind person, but I doubt you will see that money again. Are your parents linked into any advice groups for small landlords, I think they should be finding out more about renting out a property before things go from bad to worse.

NettleTea · 07/10/2017 14:55

also dont be so quick to assume she is on drugs. After all she may have taken them in the relationship, but you say she is out of that relationship now. Many women in the midst of abuse turn to drink or drugs to numb their reality

Ttbb · 07/10/2017 14:58

Worst case scenario you can get it back when she moves out.

Framboise18 · 07/10/2017 14:58

I think you should go round to the house and confront her (not in a horrible way) and get the full story and breakdown expenses etc and perhaps set up a payment plan or something..

StefMay · 07/10/2017 15:06

My Nan taught me, "Never lend what you can't afford to lose". This way there is no disappointment when they don't pay back and you are being genuinely altruistic should this happen. But when they do pay back it feels good on both sides.

This has always stood me in good stead. If you get this money back I think it will be in several years. Sorry, but time to move on from this friend. Friends do not avoid contact after taking money.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 07/10/2017 15:06

You need to write off the money - you aren't getting it back. If she does surprise you, great, but you need to consider it spent.

I have never lent money, I have only ever given. even if the person asking for it has asked for a loan, I have mentally given it. If they give that money back, great, but if not, I don't consider it a debt. I therefore only give what I can afford. (However on the odd time I've had to borrow money, I've always paid it back ASAP!)

Re your parents and the rent, that's a bigger issue. It's down to them how they deal with it, but presuming she's now getting housing benefit, once that's all sorted, then it should be easy enough for her to pay monthly. If she doesn't, do tell them not to put off eviction because she's your friend, but to treat her as a stranger.

counterpoint · 07/10/2017 15:13

You gave have her the £500 as a deposit to give to your parents? Did she give it to your parents?

If she did, then tell your parents to give it back to you. Then the tenant shouldn't expect to get back her so-called deposit.

Bumbumtaloo · 07/10/2017 15:25

counterpoint but assuming the friend gave OP’s parents the deposit they should no longer have the £500, it’s not their money. Deposits have to be lodge in deposit scheme and if it’s not done properly the friend can take OP’s parents to court at the end of her tenancy. (Assuming they are in England)

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/tenancy_deposits

counterpoint · 07/10/2017 15:33

Hmm. And most likely, the deposit would be used up in unpaid rent even if it is in a deposit protection scheme.

expatinscotland · 07/10/2017 15:34

Your money is gone. I hope she's on a short-assured tenancy because looks like your folks now have a non-paying tenant. She's not a friend. Learned your lesson the hard way, sadly.

Bumbumtaloo · 07/10/2017 16:11

counterpoint I really hope for OP’s parents that they have as the tenant can take them to court for 3x’s and the original deposit back. I think (happy to be corrected) that it’s a separate issue to the rent arrears.

Katedotness1963 · 07/10/2017 16:18

You've been a wonderful friend, you could not have done more. Hopefully your friend is in a situation where she's embarrassed because her benefits have not kicked in properly yet and it's made it difficult to face you. The jaded part of me thinks there's a good chance she's going to take advantage.
I think it's a lesson in life we all have to learn, never lend more than you can afford to lose. I don't lend money any more. If I have it to give I do, if not I say no.

Hopefully this will work out well. You can take a little comfort that you've made sure her children were in a good place when they really needed it.

thatdearoctopus · 07/10/2017 16:38

Surely the money is only temporarily gone. IF she leaves he house in good nick, she would be due that deposit back, which means your parents can pay it back directly to you.

2014newme · 07/10/2017 16:43

How was your friend ever going to get £500 to pat you back? That was never going to happen.
Unfortunately you've saddled your parents with a non paying tenant. You've done a favour to your friend but a huge disservice to your parents.
You have poor judgement. You won't get the £500 back

Auspiciouspanda · 07/10/2017 16:58

ladyface yes that is correct. The pot of money it comes from is finite from the DWP once we've spent it we can't make anymore awards so it only given to people who really need it. (Not saying you don't deserve to be paid back).

What normally happens is a customer finds a property they could get if they had a deposit and applies for the bond to be paid. We then call the landlord and ask if we pay the bond today will they give the customer a tenancy. If the answer is yes then we pay it directly to the landlords bank account for them to put it into a deposit scheme.

Auspiciouspanda · 07/10/2017 16:59

Housing benefit can take a few weeks to be processed then it is paid every 4 weeks in arrears so it is typical for customers to be in 6 weeks arrears before the first payment is made.

ChicRock · 07/10/2017 17:02

Stop the press - a homeless drug user borrows £500 from you and you're now struggling to get that money back. Who'd have thought?

I think you need to focus all of your energy on helping your parents out of the shit you've landed them in.

You'll never see that money again.

Lucky you, you're only £500 down, I suspect this will end up costing your parents a LOT more.

MadisonMontgomery · 07/10/2017 17:14

You sound like a really kind person OP, but sadly you are best steering clear of these types of people. Lesson learnt - I would now just focus on getting her out of your parents property ASAP.

Dutch1e · 07/10/2017 17:47

I wonder if anyone here has left an abusive relationship before? OP your friend may be completely shellshocked, even if she's not using drugs. Having kids to feed and a (probably) empty bank account doesn't help much when you're already feeling pretty broken.

What was she like when you first met her? If she's always been unreliable then the PPs are probably right about this not ending well. But if she was a solid person, it just may be that she needs some time to get on her feet psychologically & emotionally.

Do you want to keep her friendship? If so, and if you can afford It, a message saying that money talks should be paused until X date, 6 months away or something. And that you all miss her, can she bring the kids out for lunch or something with your friendship group. It might be that she relaxes enough to give you some honest insight.

Fingers crossed that her benefits are just delayed and she's not thinking straight enough to approach your parents and you in a normal way.

Badbadtromance · 07/10/2017 17:49

I've only ever lent money once to a friend who didn't want to pay me back despite her nights out and exotic travels. It ended in tears

4dogs · 07/10/2017 18:20

She is probably in arrears because housing benefit can take ages to get up and running. She will have had to make new claims for everything and will probably only have CHB to live on until IS/Child tax credits are in payment. The first few months are really difficult when your circumstances change and you need to get new benefit claims sorted out.
As for the deposit, once her benefits are all in payment she can probably give you £5-10 p/wk (if the council had lent her the deposit she would have had to repay it like this).

QuintessentialShadows · 07/10/2017 18:25

She is an addict? And you vouched for her good character to get her housing with your parents?

Are you out of your mind? Did you not for one moment think that you were quite literally crapping on your parents rental property doorstep and jeopardizing their income ?

Swipe left for the next trending thread