Because DH blames me for "wasting the day" for sleeping in?!

[Peachy92]

So DH and I have this stupid argument every other weekend or so. He likes to stay up late in the week and insists on sleeping with the TV on. I personally don’t but I fall asleep first and apparently my teeth grinding / snoring noises are so bad he can’t sleep without the TV covering it.. and I’m constantly tired because I don’t do well sleeping late and getting up early and I know I have a disturbed sleep with the TV on. Come the weekend I therefore like to sleep in until I’m rested and I don’t mind what time that is! If I don’t have commitments to be somewhere why does it matter? But DH moans! He will, though, stay in bed with me - asking me now and again if we’re getting up? Or putting the TV on? AIBU to be annoyed at this? Why should I get up before I’m ready? Why doesn’t he get up when he wants and go sit downstairs in front of the TV? Because that’s the worst part! I get told I’m wasting our weekend :| If I sleep in and I feel better I will literally be a tornado clean my house get all washing done bedding on nice dinner but he gets up to just sit?! How am I the one wasting our weekend?! Ugh rant over.

Get your snoring sorted.

Tell him to get up and entertain himself in the morning.

How late do you tend to sleep in for? Are we talking ten am or two pm?

And for info, really the only thing worse than having to sleep next to a snorer and teeth grinder is sleeping next to one who disputes that’s what rhey do.

I don’t see why he doesn’t just get up though also.

Bedrooms are for sleeping and the obvious fun activities any activity disturbing someone else's sleep needs to stop. No debate. Take it into another room.

He falls asleep easily enough without the TV when you are away, he's just using your snoring/teeth gnashing as an excuse to watch tv in bed. Remove the TV from the bedroom. He can stay up & watch it until he is sleepy enough. If he still struggles then he can listen to the radio with headphones.

If anyone disturbed my sleep to ask me if I was getting up, they'd only do it once.

He wakes up, he gets up QUIETLY and is quiet around the house or goes out - quietly.

He's being a complete arse disturbing your sleep all week then acting like a twat at the weekends too.

He needs to grow up or get shoved under the veggie patch.

Well to be fair they seem to be disturbing each other’s sleep.

He falls asleep easily enough without the TV when you are away, he's just using your snoring/teeth gnashing as an excuse to watch tv in bed

That makes no sense. When the OP is away she isn't there to make noise so no tv needed

You need to go to the doctor and get advice on immediate measures to protect your teeth for a start. You will damage your teeth if you go on like this, seriously. Do it right away. I believe dentists can fit mouth guards for this problem.

Get separate bedrooms sorted out, at least as a short term measure. If space is an issue, get mattresses. Make sure your sleeping space is quiet and peaceful. He needs to do the same. Google "sleep hygiene."

Then you need to get the snoring fixed.

Your DH needs to GET THE TV OFF. It seriously disturbs people's sleep--and it will be affecting his sleep too, even if he insists that it doesn't. It sounds like both of you are in a negative cycle of poor sleep and bad temper, and I'm not surprised!

Sounds like you're not compatible sleep partners- the TV on all night would drive me crazy. Can you sleep in separate bedrooms?

For the teeth grinding a trip to the dentist for a guard should help ( not the sexiest nightwear!). I have one as I had shattered a tooth teeth grinding, I don't always wear one but it has helped immensely ( less headaches better quality sleep).

Bedrooms are for sleeping and sex, take the TV out he can watch it downstairs. Get a tooth guard from the dentist and see the GP about your snoring, meanwhile he can wear earplugs or one of you can sleep in the spare room. In fact he can just stay downstairs with the TV, both of your sleep habits sound terrible and that won't help your mood.

He will, though, stay in bed with me - asking me now and again if we’re getting up? Or putting the TV on?

Most people grow out of this behaviour by the time they start school.

Two separate problems:

• if you genuinely grind your teeth and snore a lot you should ask for a sleep referral. That will address the teeth/possible apnoea issues as well as possibly prove that it happens (or not). Remove the TV from the bedroom or move one of you into a different room.

• he is being an arse. That will still be there after you have addressed the first problem.

Why so many people stay in the same room to sleep when their needs for sleep are so incompatible with their partner's is beyond me.

Separate rooms if possible, if not, no TV and electronics.

The dentist fitted me with a night guard for grinding - not terribly expensive, and if you are genuinely doing this a lot, it's awful for your teeth so you should get it sorted out for your own benefit.

Why oh why do people have tv in their bedroom.

Remove it. Get your snoring sorted

Firstly - get rid of the TV in your bedroom - TVs in bedrooms are a terrible idea full stop. Any sleep expert will tell you that.

Secondly, teeth grinding is terrible for your teeth! I am a night time teeth grinder too, and had 2 cracked teeth as a result of it. The dentist had a mouthguard made for me, it takes a bit of getting used to, but is fine. It'll protect your teeth, and hopefully cut down on the noise too.

I actually think YANBU - your dh turning the tv on in the morning when you are sleeping is very inconsiderate, esp when he could just get up and go downstairs to watch. I'd find it a bit weird that he waits for you to get up tbh. DH and I just both get up when we're ready, and first one up will generally make tea, mae sure kids are breakfasted and so on.

"The odd thing is if we ever stay somewhere there’s no tv in the room he falls asleep within minutes.... Often before me."
Then you need to point this out to him in the strongest possible terms. His TV habit at home is just that - habit. Not required for getting to sleep at all, as he has proved when staying elsewhere.

He seems to think he is in control of your sleep pattern - and you are letting him think this!

His behaviour is making you sleep-deprived. He keeps you up late through the week and lowers the quality of the sleep you do get by having the TV on. He interrupts your sleep at the weekend by asking you when you're getting up.

This needs to stop!

YABU to think you can 'catch up' on sleep. It doesn't work like that. Just get up when you normally would.

I think your DH is right.

Is he asking you to get up because he wants you to make coffee / breakfast for him? I don't understand, if he wants to get up he doesn't need your permission. He could go for a run or put the washing on - do something productive if he hates lazing about.

Teeth grinding and snoring are red flags for sleep apnoea. Please see your GP.

On one level I sympathise with your partner. Once I zero in on a noise (dp is a snorer, fidgeter and clicks in the back of his throat ) it drives me insane. My coping method turned into having the tv on at an ambient level to drown the irritant out - even in another room. We've not had a house big enough!

But I also appreciate a large part of the problem is mine. He needs to lose weight but even when he was slimmer he was an award winning snorer. Basically the only option is for me to take myself out of the equation and bed down somewhere else. I tend to use my phone for the radio and ear phones these days though.

As for the mornings - what a fanny! Just get up! No ones stopping him.

YABU to think you can 'catch up' on sleep. It doesn't work like that. Just get up when you normally would.

I think your DH is right.

Except she's an adult who (barring commitments) can get up when she damn well pleases.

Both their sleeping habits need work if your following all sleep hygiene rules but depriving someone of the sleep they are getting when they haven't asked for it is massively out of order.

Hi all, wow thanks for all the responses. I’ll give a quick bit of bullet info to help with those questions:
No we have no children we’re TTC
We have a small spare room full of furniture
He is very - don’t like the words clingy - but he comes from a family where mum and dad are inseparable and sees sleeping in different rooms as wrong or going to bed without each other..
My grinding is bruxism which happens when stressed and doesn’t seem to happen when i get to sleep without it. Mouth guard from dentist didn’t work as I developed an over-biting habit and kept chewing through them
I recorded myself when he was on his stag do I didn’t snore or grind the odd snuffle at best :|
He’s very loving and sweet but yes I think we will benefit from a bit more space and different hobbies so we BOTH feel more tired . When he’s really tired after a long day he might well say he’ll just turn it off and we have a great night sleep so it annoys me that he doesn’t see the obvious pattern. We don’t argue a lot so it’s a bit frustrating that it could be resolved easily

You could get a TV which switches itself off after a certain amount of time. Or he could get earplugs.

"He is very - don’t like the words clingy - but he comes from a family where mum and dad are inseparable and sees sleeping in different rooms as wrong or going to bed without each other."
Well my parents were the same, but I'm an adult and don't feel the need to replicate my parents! Seriously, just because his parents lived that way, he CAN do something different.

Sleep is essential for good health, and you are not getting it right now. Look at your own experience of having had a good sleep - "If I sleep in and I feel better I will literally be a tornado clean my house get all washing done bedding on nice dinner". Now imagine how nice it would be if that was your norm?

The two of you need to have a serious talk about your sleep hygiene, and lack thereof.

• The TV needs to go
• You can go to bed earlier than him
• He can get up earlier than you
• Earplugs can work for some people

Honestly, if he want's to stay up late and have the telly on, he can make up a bed on the couch. He should not be keeping you short of sleep because of some antiquated notion of what has to happen if you're a couple!

I'd start working on clearing some space in your spare room to fit a small bed in. My DH and I mostly sleep in separate rooms (we're in our 30's btw) and it works really well for us and we both get good sleep consistently now. Before we had problems due to DH's snoring and our differing sleep schedules. My DH would stay up later than me, partly because he wanted some decompression time alone and that was really the only chance he'd get during the week, so he'd stay up mindlessly watching late night tv even though he was exhausted.

It's been a life changer actually, I mostly wake up before my alarm goes off feeling rested and my DH goes to bed at an earlier time because now he has his own bedroom to decompress in he finds that he relaxes and goes straight to sleep most often. I worried for a longtime that it would hurt our intimacy by sleeping separately but it's really hasn't

Perhaps you could show you DH this article:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/sep/24/why-lack-of-sleep-health-worst-enemy-matthew-walker-why-we-sleep

Sleep is really important to health!