To HATE my BIL and want DP to do something about the situation

[thiskittenbarks]

My BIL (well me and DP aren't actually married yet but engaged and have baby - been together 8 years) annoys me so much. He is very nearly 30 and has never had a job. He finished a very indulgent postgrad course a year ago and has done nothing since. He lives with his mum who does everything for him and waits on him.
Here are some examples of stuff he does (sorry this is long):
Invites himself to stay at our house (we have a baby and has done this fairly regularly since baby was born) He offers no help and expects to be waited on. E.g. If we have been to supermarket to buy food for his ridiculous dietary restrictions, he won't even offer to help bring stuff in from the car, he will just go straight in our house and start watching tv. He is not interested in his nephew but is incredibly close with my DP.
He has extreme (self inflicted) dietary requirements and expects us to accommodate this (ie me to cook a totally separate meal for him and buy the random crap he eats).
When he stays over, when DP goes to work he will hang around all day sitting in our living room playing the PlayStation. I am stuck with baby with nowhere to play as I don't particularly want baby to watch these games he plays on tv. he huffs if baby cries or if I stand in the way of the TV. He just doesn't get that he can't sit in another persons living room and dominate it. He doesn't get hints to leave. I usually have to make up an excuse that I need him to leave (last time I had guests coming over and we would need living room - he said he didn't mind people coming over and carried on playing PlayStation...well I'm glad he doesn't mind me having guests in my own F-ing home!!)
Oh and he doesn't like me breastfeeding as it is "gross", and made me feel so uncomfortable I went upstairs in my own home to BF (I don't anymore as I actually want to make him feel uncomfortable so he gets the feck out of my house).
He invites himself along to things and just expects us to pay for him. For example a few weeks ago we were taking baby to sealife centre and he decided that he would join us (uninvited). We later went for quite an expensive dinner (because he likes that restaurant) and he just expected us to pay for him (for the meal and for the sealife centre and for the dinner - that day we spent close to £100 on him). Oh and he doesn't hold back on what he orders. He orders stuff, tries it and then will say that it is "gross" and then will leave it (he did this with a £12 cocktail and a pudding on the sealife centre day) He NEVER says thank you. I always make a big show of thanking DP in from of him to try and hint that BIL should also say thanks. He does this every time we are with him. I know he has money as MIL and FIL have both told me they still give him pocket money..
He behaves like a child but he is less than 2 years younger than me.
I have asked if he has some form of autism- but DP and MIL both said this had been investigated numerous times and he doesn't. I was shocked about this as for years I have put his behaviour down to this in my head.
I have spoken to DP about it and he just says something like "that's just him". DP is quite protective over him as he was quite bullied at school - and I understand that but his behaviour in my mind is totally unacceptable and he needs to be told so. AIBU?
What can I do? I really worry about baby growing up seeing an adult behaving like this.

Its different with your own family isn't it. With my brother I'd happily tell him "f off you cheeky bastard" if he acted like this. If my DP said that to my brother I'd be a bit upset with my DP and tell him he should have left it to me. I feel like I can't say that type of thing to BIL or at least if I do it will cause an awkward family situation for DP and his Mum and Bro.
It's getting to the point though where I won't be able to not say something really!

untenable.

he needs a wakeup call and your dh is there person to give it to him. who knows - he might actually make something of his life with a kick up the arse?

He’s your DP’s brother but it’s also your family and your home. You really are going to need to be firm with DP and set some ground rules.

Have you thought about what will happen when your MiL and FiL are no longer around?

I bet they have...

Nanny0gg oh my god I have never thought of that. I feel physically sick. Shit. This is getting nipped in the bud.

Briechoncheese has great advice. Also very much agree about not demonstrating to your DC that you will put up with this behaviour.

My children are way more capable than this (they're small).

OP yes it is different with your own family but he is your DC's uncle - you're family now.
Put him in his place, pull rank.

He sounds really annoying OP but I suppose from his point of view he is just doing what he always has. It's having the baby and mingling your finances that's changed or brought your feelings to a head. Honestly there is no need to hate the chap just have a calm discussion with him about how you need your space now that the baby needs your full attention. If he does miss social queues he might have no idea how you feel. If its ASD or some form of autism he probably just needs the rules layer out in black and white. You won't start to feel better about the situation until you take some control and if your DH won't then you will have to weather he is your brother or not. Don't spend years silently seething it will do u no good.
Hope it all works out for you!

Nanny I was thinking that too. Kitten Your DP is doing his brother no favours by allowing him to behave like this. ASD/Aspergers or not, he needs to learn the social norms as he has to live in society and whilst some people will tolerate some difference, most people will not tolerate this level of p*sstaking. If BIL managed to get a job, I very much doubt he would last more than 5 mins if he has this sort of self entitled attitude to life.

FWIW I have a DS with ASD who is currently at Uni. He would never behave like this in someone elses house. He knows he needs to take a turn at paying for a round if he is in a bar where others have bought him drinks. Whilst he might order the more expensive things on a menu, he would only do that if his parents are paying and if I say 'don't' then he won't! He even treated me for lunch just before he went to Uni as we had already been out for coffee that day - which I had paid for so knew it was his turn. (He was working PT in a minimum wage job although living rent free) And if I did the supermarket shopping and he was in when I got home, he would come out to the car and help carry it in and put it away. I hate it when people use ASD as an excuse for poor behaviour. If he can pass a degree he can learn manners.

thiskittenbarks

Sorry.

he was bullied in school

so were alot of peopl we dont all going round being cheeky fuckers

you hav to be firmer about him its your home not his-your dp can go to his parents house to see him why does hee always come to you

i wouldnt dare visit my dsil an sit down and play games and be rude

You definitely have a dh problem, but you need to put your foot down. He sounds like a fucking nightmare

Bigbluebus that's really sweet. You've clearly done a fantastic job.
In DPs family manners aren't a big deal and they look at me like I am a bit odd when I thank MIL for dinner when she cooks for us. No one else apparat from me and DP thank her. I just don't think they think it's a big deal (). Unfortunately for them / fortunately for the rest of us manners are a big deal in the big open world.
Like pps have said, if he ever was inclined to get a job he wouldn't last 5 mins.

Thank you kitten. Believe me it hasn't been plain sailing, but hearing friends say what a fine young man he has turned out to be has made all the hard work worthwhile.

bigbluebus what a lovely DS you have. I find it so annoying when all rudeness, bad manners etc is put down to autism or related conditions. It's so insulting to people like your DS who've worked really hard on their social skills.

OP, tell your DH it's his place to set boundaries with his brother, but he's not done so too many times at yours and his child's expense, so if these things happen again, he will have a 30-second window in which to deal with it, and if he doesn't, you will. It is not acceptable for you to feel like the outsider or servant in your own house.

From what you have written it really does sound like he is autistic. Maybe an element of demand avoidance. There is no blood test so a diagnosis has historically been essentially someone's opinion (and honestly I think it really still is).
Either way his family are doing him no favours by enabling him. He needs to learn some idependance skills.

I would treat him like another child as he's behaving like one and his family treat him like one.
So "don't do that sweetheart/darling, it's bad manners"
Please don't speak to me like that, it's a very rude thing to say.
I'm going to count to 10 and then it's time to turn off the Playstation so the baby can have her turn at playing.
Your turn to chop the veg while I make the sauce, be careful with that sharp knife, won't you?
No more Playstation tonight love, it's been on all day.....

He might get pissed off with the patronising comments and want to come around less while you can keep the moral high ground because you're saying it nicely.

Talking from experience here too, if he's on the autistic spectrum, gentle, polite hints will not work.

You will have to tell him clearly what you want.

Oooh and "be a good boy and help me carry those bags in. Thanks sweetie"

If DH says anything just say "oh, he's just so sweet. He's like a little brother to me too!"
Good clear instructions to show him what's expected. Any backlash, say "in this house, we all help each other. I'd understand if it's too much so you're welcome to go home to Mum and Dad if I'm asking too much of you sweetheart"
Ultra patronising

OP, you need to put on your big girl pants and stop being such a doormat. He does this because you let him! It is your home too. Tell DP that you are no longer having him stay because he’s a rude, obnoxious, ungrateful fucker and you’re sick of it. He doesn’t want you bf your baby in your home ffs!!! I’d have thrown him out after that comment alone.

Tell DP that he can pay for him to stay in a b&b if he wants but he won’t be staying with you anymore. You have a choice - you can say no.

Honestly, you could have so much fun with this. When DP comes home from work, you could say "X has been a little superstar today. He listened really carefully when I asked him to turn the Playstation off and he was such a good boy for helping me put the shopping away".

Ummm...I think some of the advice on the thread so far is much ruder than the behaviour described in the OP.
Don't

• Slam the door in his face/refuse to let him in the house ever again
• Patronise him under the pretence of "talking to him politely": that is clearly in no way "polite" even if it has a "please" in it (in the same way that someone spoiling for a fight who calls you "mate" is clearly not actually your friend!)
• Refuse to provide food according to his dietary requirements.

He is clearly acting in the "make yourself at home" way rather than the "guest" way, so you are perfectly within your rights to:

• ask him to cook the food for everyone on a rota basis during his stay, particularly if he wants special recipes. For example, he could cook on the first night then save a portion for himself to have the next day with different side vegetables to save you having to cook a separate meal for him on your night.
• ask him to pay for meals out on a rota basis, or split the bill
• tell him to get over himself and (tell him to) leave the room if he doesn't want to see breastfeeding
• tell him to get off the playstation because you need to use the room and it isn't suitable to play in front of your baby
• ask him to give you advance notice of visits and to keep them to one night, as longer stays aren't working for you
• to continue with your plans if he randomly turns up without warning, so still go out if you were going, still get on with stuff in different rooms of the house instead of entertaining him in that was what you were going to do (if he does schedule a visit though, ideally you'd spend time with him as your guest).
• ask your DH to take him out for the day without you, with or without the baby as you see fit.
• ask him to help with minor chores during his stay - not redecorating the lounge, but stuff like helping to carry in shopping and clearing the table, yes.

BestZebbie - telling your host in her own home that breastfeeding is gross is about as rude as you can get. Imho that gives the OP free reign to be as rude as she needs to be in return to this cheeky fucker, especially as her DP isn't tackling it.

Of course no one else says thank you to a WOMAN for cooking in his household! This man clearly expects that you're there to do wifework for your husband's family on demand. If you want a child to view this misogyny and learn that that's a way to live, let this continue.

I notice you don't once mention your DP taking on any extra workload as a result of BIL. Not once. DP is using you as much as your BIL is, making sure that the burden of his presence falls on you so that he can have the "good parts version." No wonder he isn't terribly bothered by the whole dilemma.

Perhaps next time, if BIL won't do his dishes, you need to leave it to DP. Every extra chore BIL leaves, DP does, and DP goes on his own to do the food shop for BIL. If his bags need brought in, DP does it. You're on strike.

There's really, really good advice on this thread. What I'm taking away from it with other things in my life, and which I try and get from here all the time, is stating things.

Hinting and hoping doesn't bloody work. And then the person (me!) gets angry and lashes out and is therefore automatically in the wrong.

The trick is to state clearly what is bothering you and what the solution is.

And there's good advice here about how to do that in your situation, I think.