To HATE my BIL and want DP to do something about the situation

[thiskittenbarks]

My BIL (well me and DP aren't actually married yet but engaged and have baby - been together 8 years) annoys me so much. He is very nearly 30 and has never had a job. He finished a very indulgent postgrad course a year ago and has done nothing since. He lives with his mum who does everything for him and waits on him.
Here are some examples of stuff he does (sorry this is long):
Invites himself to stay at our house (we have a baby and has done this fairly regularly since baby was born) He offers no help and expects to be waited on. E.g. If we have been to supermarket to buy food for his ridiculous dietary restrictions, he won't even offer to help bring stuff in from the car, he will just go straight in our house and start watching tv. He is not interested in his nephew but is incredibly close with my DP.
He has extreme (self inflicted) dietary requirements and expects us to accommodate this (ie me to cook a totally separate meal for him and buy the random crap he eats).
When he stays over, when DP goes to work he will hang around all day sitting in our living room playing the PlayStation. I am stuck with baby with nowhere to play as I don't particularly want baby to watch these games he plays on tv. he huffs if baby cries or if I stand in the way of the TV. He just doesn't get that he can't sit in another persons living room and dominate it. He doesn't get hints to leave. I usually have to make up an excuse that I need him to leave (last time I had guests coming over and we would need living room - he said he didn't mind people coming over and carried on playing PlayStation...well I'm glad he doesn't mind me having guests in my own F-ing home!!)
Oh and he doesn't like me breastfeeding as it is "gross", and made me feel so uncomfortable I went upstairs in my own home to BF (I don't anymore as I actually want to make him feel uncomfortable so he gets the feck out of my house).
He invites himself along to things and just expects us to pay for him. For example a few weeks ago we were taking baby to sealife centre and he decided that he would join us (uninvited). We later went for quite an expensive dinner (because he likes that restaurant) and he just expected us to pay for him (for the meal and for the sealife centre and for the dinner - that day we spent close to £100 on him). Oh and he doesn't hold back on what he orders. He orders stuff, tries it and then will say that it is "gross" and then will leave it (he did this with a £12 cocktail and a pudding on the sealife centre day) He NEVER says thank you. I always make a big show of thanking DP in from of him to try and hint that BIL should also say thanks. He does this every time we are with him. I know he has money as MIL and FIL have both told me they still give him pocket money..
He behaves like a child but he is less than 2 years younger than me.
I have asked if he has some form of autism- but DP and MIL both said this had been investigated numerous times and he doesn't. I was shocked about this as for years I have put his behaviour down to this in my head.
I have spoken to DP about it and he just says something like "that's just him". DP is quite protective over him as he was quite bullied at school - and I understand that but his behaviour in my mind is totally unacceptable and he needs to be told so. AIBU?
What can I do? I really worry about baby growing up seeing an adult behaving like this.

Perhaps you just need to be direct. He doesn't seem to pick up on unstated expectations.

Try telling him exactly what you want - before you start to feel irritated.

If you want the room for the baby to play in - say some thing like 'You will need to turn the games off in 10 mins because I want to use the room for...' Then - in 10 mins - go and turn it off!

'I going to feed the baby - so you must go in another room/home/out for a walk until x-time.' Don't accept 'no' for an answer - but just stay (apparently) unflustered

Hinting only works if he understands what you are suggesting. He sounds a bit immature on the social side of things even if he hasn't a diagnosis of any kine.

This isnt a BIL problem - it's a DH problem.

THis x 100

Your DPs brother is an educated freeloader.
Why do you allow him to stay ? Does he live far away ?
If your DP is around to entertain him, then fine, but if he is working, then it's time for him to jog on.
It is high time, you curbed his ways, by confronting him, and saying NO !

Do you think there's any sort of job he would be able to get with his problems?

Admin, data entry, royal mail?

No one stays at our home unless OH and I both agree.

OP stand up for yourself.

You say I really worry about baby growing up seeing an adult behaving like this.

Well it's not a terribly good role model to watch a mother lying down like a carpet and getting walked over.

Model some strength of character- your child may thank you some day.

Oh my. I think you have to assert yourself.

So when he doesn't help with the shopping, say something. It doesn't have to be confrontational. Hey, (name) come and helps put the shopping away. If he kicks off about just tell him that if he wants to stay there then he needs to muck in, he's 30 years old and a grown up and you're not his maid.

It does sound that he has very low self awareness and poor social skills but you don't have to put up with it. He should be fitting around you not the other way around.

If that doesn't work then tell your DP you can't put up with it anymore. One of the biggest mistakes I made when I had my first child was scuttling off upstairs to BF because FIL was uncomfortable. When it came to child 2, well that was just tough.

Boundaries. You need them.

I honestly could have written your post op but my BIL is closer to 40! He has no boundaries and sees no problem with walking straight into my dressing room or bedroom. He also expects DH to pay for expensive meals and never offers to pay, I do the same as you in making a big song and dance at thanking DH DH wanted him to stay with us over Xmas when DS was less than two weeks old and I told him absolutely not. Sorry, no advice, just wanted to say I sympathise.

Just stop being a mug.

Simple.

OP he just expected us to pay for him (for the meal and for the sealife centre and for the dinner - that day we spent close to £100 on him). Oh and he doesn't hold back on what he orders. He orders stuff, tries it and then will say that it is "gross" and then will leave it (he did this with a £12 cocktail and a pudding on the sealife centre day) He NEVER says thank you.

You are a mug.

What does your DP say about it all?

That sounds really annoying but even if he has autism, he still should not behave like that.

You do realise that SN are not an excuse to be a twat? My children have them. They can still be little sods but i tell them it is wrong and correct it. Over and over and over again. Why does everyone think if someone is a total arsehole it must be because they have some kind of diagnosis. My kids would never behave like this because i have never let them.

Stop being subtle and be blunt

He wants to go out to dinner, before you go say

• BIL I can't remember when you last paid for a meal & we've taken you out a lot so if we go (next time we're out) we're expecting you to pay for us all.

Then as you are arriving

• BIL it's on you tonight please check you've got enough money or your card before we get there. We can stop at a cashpoint / there's a cashpoint

And make sure he does check first. If no cash or card then go home.

Tell him to leave your house and when he can stay (if he can stay)
Definitely don't cook anything for him - he eats what you do or buys & cooks for all

This needs to end, it will lead to the break down of your relationship.
Send this text to both your BIL and your DH at the same time.

I am happy for BIL name to visit, however I am not his mother and he is not a child, I will not wait on him hand and foot anymore. It does not set a good example to our DC and frankly I have been uncomfortable for too long.
He is welcome to stay or visit if the following requirements are met.

1. Both me and partner agree it is a convenient time.
2. He provides and helps to cook his meal if he is unable to join us in eating our meal.
3. If anyone is uncomfortable with breastfeeding they are not to express it and will simply leave the building.
4. No visitors are to take over rooms of my house and make me or my DC feel uncomfortable in them. I should not feel I have to leave a room because someone who does not live here is playing violent games meaning I am unable to play with DC in our own home.
5. We will not fund trips and meals out.

I feel I have been more than a good hostess to BIL over the years but have been treated rudely and with contempt in my own home. You may find these new rules shocking but in order to provide a relaxing space for DC these terms MUST be met.
I will not enter into further discussion, these are the new rules - I have lived with the old ones with no concern for my happiness for long enough.

Sympathies to you Paradise!

Yes he lives about 2 hours away. We live near London so it seems no matter where he is going we are "on the way" and he will pop in on his way and often stay a few days. This is part of the reason I can't just tell him to do one when he turns up. I have said to DP before when he had turned up there is no way I am letting him in and DP will say we can't just tell him no as where will he go. It's a bit of a nightmare.

Blankface you can make that confused face if you like, but while Aspergers is considered within ASD at this time, it's perfectly likely that a 30 year old man assessed in childhood will have been assessed against criteria for Autism which didn't really consider Aspergers.

The whole ASD area has been evolving and exactly what fits in where remains open to ongoing debate and geographical/cultural variability. There are still adults around who will have been told that no, they don't have an ASD diagnosis because they were too high functioning, or because their IQ was considered normal/average. When, now, Aspergers would be considered.

OP, seriously, I wouldn't leap on every incidence of poor behaviour with -is this Asperger's? -but only mentioned it because you commented on it already, so have clearly thought about it or seen behaviour which you think might fit this. No one on the internet can know what is really going on. He may just be an entitled dick. All I'd say is that at his age, if assessments were carried out 20 years ago, there has been enough change in this field that reassessment could well tell you something different.

I don't disagree with the firm approach advocated by others though. No reason for you to put up with this behaviour. But you can be firm while having an open mind and considering when/if some compassion is necessary here.

Perhaps he's not autistic but has Aspergers?

Please stop diagnosing rude people as autistic.

I have a family member like this. She is "the baby of the family" - a baby who is 40 years old. She never pays for anything and acts like an entitled teenager.

We can label everyone and excuse their behaviour on an "issue", but there are many people who just slot into the role their family has given them. For every "responsible one" there's another one who isn't expected to have any responsibilities at all and has everyone dancing round them. It's in the script that some of us are told "You'll be all right," even when our head is severed, whereas a sibling with a hangnail is majorly fretted over.

I would write it all down point by point. Everything you've said in your OP.
Give your DP a copy and ask him why he is prioritising his brother over you and your baby.
His brother doesn;t need any of these things he doesn;t need to come to your house at all, your DP can meet him elsewhere.
I'd also talk to his parents - they are enabling him to behave like a child, so they can deal with it just as they would if an actual child of theirs had gone to someone else's house and behaved very badly.
I'd give a copy of your grievances to BIL also. If it's written down the he can't interrupt or make excuses. get him to go away and read it and then tell you how he proposes to change.
If he won;t chaneg he can;t come to your house. I feel angry on your behalf - why the hell should you be stuck with a person you dislike in your home and not be free to do exactly as you please in your house. Who the hell does he think he is.

And I sympathise because actually shifting these kind of people is hard because they are so thikc skinned and utterly selfish they don;t take hints so you have to be very blunt (which is hard if you are not that kind of person)

But I would definitely be very pro active if you are anywhere with him and he needs to behave better. Witht he dinner example you gave, I wouldn;t have sat in silence, I'd have said 'Your turn to pay this time BIL, we always pay, time you treated us - we paid for the Sealife tickets' or something like that.

I would just say "he never stays again or I am leaving ". He sounds appalling!

You have a dh problem and a BIL problem tby!

I think your BIL might be my XH

If he just turns up he can go to a hotel or get the train back home.

You can have boundaries in your own home and when he's in your company so breastfeed where you want. Tell him to leave the sitting room when you have guests. Give him bags to carry inside, etc
I think the problem is that you're seeing this as a competition ie you think your DH is protective of him when your DH should be protective of you and your DC. There isn't a limit on protectiveness or love. Don't try to make this a situation where your DH has to choose.
If the family have pursued an autism diagnosis then they're aware that he has different needs. I think you need to be a bit more sympathetic to that.

Just say no. Don't let him stay, hide the PlayStation and never pay for him when you're out. Why on earth would you let him do all this?

The difficulty is, unless you can get your DP to agree with you and support you, things will not change and you will feel worse. OK, you can do the things suggested (ie breastfeed where you want, turn off the computer) when DP is not there, but if DP won't refuse to let BIL stay, there's not a lot you can do; if DP just pays for BIL all the time, you can't stop him.
I do sympathise, though.

Yabu to ' HATE' him, especially when you've all been enabling him so long.

Like others say, compassion but firm. Calm but strict. Make your DP get on board and handle it. You absolutely shouldn't put up with it, but equally this is one of the most important relationships in your DP's life and that is never changing. So try not to introduce too much of the hate, just set new boundaries now and be determined.