To HATE my BIL and want DP to do something about the situation

[thiskittenbarks]

My BIL (well me and DP aren't actually married yet but engaged and have baby - been together 8 years) annoys me so much. He is very nearly 30 and has never had a job. He finished a very indulgent postgrad course a year ago and has done nothing since. He lives with his mum who does everything for him and waits on him.
Here are some examples of stuff he does (sorry this is long):
Invites himself to stay at our house (we have a baby and has done this fairly regularly since baby was born) He offers no help and expects to be waited on. E.g. If we have been to supermarket to buy food for his ridiculous dietary restrictions, he won't even offer to help bring stuff in from the car, he will just go straight in our house and start watching tv. He is not interested in his nephew but is incredibly close with my DP.
He has extreme (self inflicted) dietary requirements and expects us to accommodate this (ie me to cook a totally separate meal for him and buy the random crap he eats).
When he stays over, when DP goes to work he will hang around all day sitting in our living room playing the PlayStation. I am stuck with baby with nowhere to play as I don't particularly want baby to watch these games he plays on tv. he huffs if baby cries or if I stand in the way of the TV. He just doesn't get that he can't sit in another persons living room and dominate it. He doesn't get hints to leave. I usually have to make up an excuse that I need him to leave (last time I had guests coming over and we would need living room - he said he didn't mind people coming over and carried on playing PlayStation...well I'm glad he doesn't mind me having guests in my own F-ing home!!)
Oh and he doesn't like me breastfeeding as it is "gross", and made me feel so uncomfortable I went upstairs in my own home to BF (I don't anymore as I actually want to make him feel uncomfortable so he gets the feck out of my house).
He invites himself along to things and just expects us to pay for him. For example a few weeks ago we were taking baby to sealife centre and he decided that he would join us (uninvited). We later went for quite an expensive dinner (because he likes that restaurant) and he just expected us to pay for him (for the meal and for the sealife centre and for the dinner - that day we spent close to £100 on him). Oh and he doesn't hold back on what he orders. He orders stuff, tries it and then will say that it is "gross" and then will leave it (he did this with a £12 cocktail and a pudding on the sealife centre day) He NEVER says thank you. I always make a big show of thanking DP in from of him to try and hint that BIL should also say thanks. He does this every time we are with him. I know he has money as MIL and FIL have both told me they still give him pocket money..
He behaves like a child but he is less than 2 years younger than me.
I have asked if he has some form of autism- but DP and MIL both said this had been investigated numerous times and he doesn't. I was shocked about this as for years I have put his behaviour down to this in my head.
I have spoken to DP about it and he just says something like "that's just him". DP is quite protective over him as he was quite bullied at school - and I understand that but his behaviour in my mind is totally unacceptable and he needs to be told so. AIBU?
What can I do? I really worry about baby growing up seeing an adult behaving like this.

Have you actually properly told your dh how unhappy you are with this though?

People pleasers often seeth in silence and don’t confront.

I think you need to find your inner tiger mummy and lay down the law.

Your child will simply learn that mummy is a push over and a maid if you don’t and they are inferior to their uncles needs.

You have the ability to say all of the following,so please do so:

"NO."
"No. That doesn't work for me."
"This is my home/my tv/my living room/etc. I am using it."
"I would like you to go home now."
"Sorry, that doesn't work for me. Please leave."
"Get the fuck out."
"If you want special food, you'll have to provide it."
"Your part of the bill comes to £." And wait for it.

And tell your DH is a fucking coward to be leaving you in this position with his brother. He is letting his brother walk all over you and treat you like the maid and a bank account IN YOUR OWN HOME. He should be sorting it himself or you will have to seriously reconsider your entire relationship and living arrangement.

I think you're going to have to teach, as you would a small child.

"Say thank you, bil"
"Your share is £x"
"I want you to go out now. You can come back at 7pm"
"This is your special food. You can cook yourself ameal after dh and I have finished cooking, or I can do extra of what we're eating for you."
"Your turn to wash up."

So don’t let him sit and play PlayStation all day in your living room. Turn the tv off and put baby toys all over the floor.

Don’t buy him any food. If he wants anything he can bring it with him.

Next tine he invite himself along to your day out when you buy tickets buy for you and DP but leave him to get his own.

He acts like this because everyone lets him get away with it.

As others have said, don't wait for your DH to say something - say a big fat NO yourself.

Don't open the door to him, kick him out of the house and threaten to call the police if he refuses, certainly don't cook for him.

How DARE he object to you breastfeeding - I am seething on your behalf.

iamimportanttoo I didn't mean that could be why he is rude little twat, I meant I'd always thought that might be why he didn't instinctively get social cues or that his behaviour might be upsetting to others.
And if manners weren't taught to him properly on top of that (my DP was crappy at please and thank you until I beat it into him) then that could be why he is how he is.

I'd cut the plug off the PlayStation too.

Does your bil have a phone? The very least you should expect is that he checks by text that it is convenient to visit before arriving.

You need to toughen up a bit. It's absolutely fine to say that you don't want bil to stay. If he lacks social awareness it's important that you and DP educate him into being more considerate.

Before going out to eat - 'Bil, have you got any money with you because we expect you to pay for your share and if you don't pay you won't eat'

At home - 'bil, please help put the shopping away' 'please put the PlayStation away now as we have guests'

Turning up unannounced - 'it isn't convenient for you to be here because I'm not feeling well.so you'll have to go back home. You should have checked it was ok with us'

Breastfeeding - 'I'll show you gross, come and smell this nappy!'

Aspergallus
I have no desire to derail this thread into a discussion about autism, I was just confused because your post appeared to state Asperger's was something completely different to ASD when you said
"Perhaps he's not autistic but has Aspergers?"

I posted the link for clarification that if you have Asperger's, you are autistic.

Considering the misinformation about ASD/ASC in all its forms being bandied about all over Mumsnet very recently, and all of the ghastly posts suggesting that badly behaved, rude and abusive people are likely to be autistic, it's a very touchy subject.

OP, you've had some really good advice about how to tell your BIL firmly but kindly to step up and contribute when he's socially gauche and I really hope that's all you need to do to have a much better relationship with all of the family

And, it's not your place to teach him manners - just kick the bastard out /don't let him in and give him a written list of every reason you've put here.

Myself & the baby are having a quiet day, I want you to go home now
How I feed my baby is not gross. Please leave the room
You can't come in, dp is not here
On this occasion it's just me, dp & baby going out
We have paid our share of the bill
This is what we're eating, you're welcome to have some of it

Your dp needs to be on board with this. His brothers feelings, wants, needs do not trump yours. He's not helping his brother by enabling him & not respecting you or his child either.

Stop doing everything for him. You don't need to be rude but re food, this is dinner, you can eat it or not. Stop with the hinting, tell him he needs to leave now, you have plans.

You need to stop tolerating it.

Just stop doing things for him and going out of your way to make him comfortable and he'll soon stop coming so often.
Honestly, I don't even do for my OH some of the things you do for your BIL.

This sounds exactly like my DB, OP, the exact same behaviour. He’s been diagnosed as having residual schizophrenia, but he’s also been assessed as having learning disabilities. Like your BIL, when he used to come to family events he used to be very rude to my DDs and my DSis’s DD. He shouted at my DD2 for exposing herself when using the potty at 3 years old. He’s also very messy and does nothing. Tbh, though, I wouldn’t ask him, though, because he’s very accident prone as well.

I’ve finally gone virtually NC with him, because of things that happened in childhood (not relevant here), but it took a long time for me to do that because my DM used to lay her own guilt on me.

But I would recommend being assertive here and putting your own family first. You really need to have strong words with your DH about this. I feel so much better now I’ve made my decision about my DB and you will too.

Lots of good advice here OP.
Stop enabling this piss taker, wipe "mug" off your forehead and woman up.

TELL DH and bil you are not putting up with this, and stick to it.

If you don't it will destroy your relationship with DH and possibly long term with your DC.

Avery longtime makes a good point - what message are you in danger of sending to your Dc if you don't put your foot down now?

Your DP doesn't own you, you can make your own decisions on this - tell DP what you're going to do and stick to it. You have no responsibility for the DB at all, but you do have responsibility for yourself and your DC.

Agree with PPs. Write down your major objections. Tot up the money DP has spent.

Then forget the list and just explain to DP that you don't like to be a prisoner in your own home where you and DC can't use a sitting room because BIl is using a PS2 with frightening games. And that you can't breastfeed because Bil objects.

Does Bil have a home of his own? why isn't he there?

Tell bil that now the baby is a bit older things will have to be diffeent and that you expect him to pull his weight and pay his way.

Then treat him as suggested by everyone - you owe this much, buy your own food, your turn to cook/clean/wash up. No, PlayStation is off in daytime, no play before 9pm etc.

When he turns up unannounced, expecting to stay at yours for a few days before going on to his friends, he doesn't have to stay. He has got somewhere else to go - back to his mum and dad.

He does it because you let him.

You and your DH are enabling his behaviour. Stop doing it.

Stop paying for stuff. Tell your DH to stop. Ask him for the money. If he says he can't tell him you can afford I bankroll him and if he can't afford to pay his way he will have to not come.

If he's playing PlayStation in your house just TELL him you want the TV. Stop being so passive and letting him walk all over you.

TELL him you want him to go home. "BIL it's nice to see you but I want my house back you'll need to leave tomorrow morning"

I don't know how many more threads like this I can read. There's just so many people that behave like this and so many people that LET them.

Thanks so much for all the advice. I just don't feel like it's my place to teach him manners. If my brother was behaving like this in our household I wouldn't leave it up to my DP - I would tell him what was what and be very blunt about it (and I am with my family). I feel like it might cause a rift with DPs family if I tell him to fuck off and list all my issues with him, as they all clearly think it's an acceptable way to behave and see nothing wrong with his manners and expectations of others. My DP does most of the running around after him to be fair and it has always been DPs money that pays for BIL so it wasn't really a problem before (I would say I don't think you should pay for B but didn't feel I could tell him how to spend his own money as I'd be fuming if he did to me) but now our finances are mingled and now we have a baby its all become more of a problem- because we essentially have 2 babies on our hands. I do feel it's DPs place to tell him all the ground rules. Equally I understand that he loves his brother dearly. But I feel for me that is part of my love - if I love someone and they are doing something that is totally unacceptable and would lose them friends with anyone else - I would tell them that it's not okay to act like that.

I'm going to chat to DP and make the "rules" abundantly clear and that he needs to pass this on to BIL and that if anything of the kind happens again I will tell him myself.
Other people's families!!!!! Mind you mine are crazy too...but at least I tell them so

Tell your DH not to tell him your plans for the day so he can’t just join you.

Tell your DH that he is not allowed to take over the lounge or remain at home while you’re there. HIde gaming stations.

Stop going out for meals when he’s with you. Fish and chips or Tesco’s sandwich meal deal only.

Challenge him yourself. Tell him he has to leave when your DH does as you need your space.

You don’t need to teach him manners but you can put in place some firm boundaries.