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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate men saying "we" are pregnant?

95 replies

brasty · 05/10/2017 19:13

Or even worse, just watching an interview where a male actor said when "I" was pregnant. No he is not Trans. His female partner was pregnant. Yes you are having a baby together, but only the woman is pregnant.

OP posts:

Bisquick · 06/10/2017 12:14

I know there is a point you are trying to make goldenclaire but it's a poorly thought-out one. No one is negating the arguably smaller role fathers and partners play in the pregnancy. Sure, they should be supportive and it is somewhat tricky handling a pregnant woman etc etc.
But it's really nothing compared to the trials a pregnant woman's body goes through. Equating the two is ridiculous.
Once the baby is out though anyone who performs a caring role is welcome to use a personal pronoun in referring to the child. Because that is perfectly correct - biologically and linguistically.

goldenclaire · 06/10/2017 12:14

'My baby' implies some sort of immaculate conception where the woman made this baby all by herself.

Apologies to op. This is going off topic now. I wish i never made the comparison now I didn't expect the terminology of my comment to cross examined by a barrister.

Bisquick · 06/10/2017 12:15

Perhaps there needs to be a middle ground word that highlights everything a partner is supposed to be doing but is obviously not the actual pregnancy.

Like... "We are expecting a baby"?

Bisquick · 06/10/2017 12:18

'My baby' implies some sort of immaculate conception where the woman made this baby all by herself.

You're honestly being ridiculous. It doesn't mean the baby is ONLY mine. Just that the baby is mine. Like my home. And my garden. And my dinner service that never gets used. And unlike my scrotum or prostate. Which are patently not mine but biologically belong to my male partner.

KurriKurri · 06/10/2017 12:26

'My baby' implies some sort of immaculate conception where the woman made this baby all by herself

No it doesn't - how on earth do you come to that conclusion ?

On the other hand a man saying he is pregnant implies a hitherto unheard of biological event.

If you go out and buy a bag of sugar, but someone else mixes it with flour eggs and butter, puts it in the oven, cooks it, watches it, takes it out, cools it, ices it and washes up the dishes afterwards, would you say you had made a cake ?

scottishdiem · 06/10/2017 12:29

Like... "We are expecting a baby"?

Except women also use that word - I am expecting a baby.

It is an odd term that reinforces my point I think. I am expecting a taxi or a bus or a train or a parcel delivery. Doesnt really convey the magnitude of a pregnancy.

AntiGrinch · 06/10/2017 12:31

"I think it comes from a place where pregnancy is not acknowledged as a big deal so women shouldn't expect any special consideration."

I think this is a particularly strong way of putting it, but I agree. It's as if a baby is going to come in the post to both of the couple at the same time and in the same way.

This particularly rubs me up the wrong way because although my ex never actually said this, he had this whole attitude where "we" were having a baby when it suited him, and it was my baby / pregnancy when it didn't. He didn't bother to moderate or stop drinking near the end (or at all) and when I was full term with dd2 he'd drink a bottle of wine a night and I was still expected to take rigid turns looking after dd1 (getting up at her waking time while he lay in). I wouldn't put up with this now but looking back it all comes from an attitude that pregnancy and breastfeeding don't stop being the automatic hero of the piece.

goldenclaire · 06/10/2017 12:39

Why is the man not allowed to say our pregnancy then? Afterall with no man there would be no pregnancy?

lollipop7 · 06/10/2017 12:41

@AntiGrinch my ex was exactly the same with drinking during my late pregnancies. Selfish dick. If I hadn't been induced he'd have been too pissed to drive me to hospital in labour.

If he did anything like heaven forbid change a nappy or soothe one of them it was the parenting equivalent of splitting the atom

lollipop7 · 06/10/2017 12:42

@goldenclaire because pregnancy is a biological condition exclusive to women.

existentialmoment · 06/10/2017 12:44

'My baby' implies some sort of immaculate conception where the woman made this baby all by herself

No it does not, at all. It means my baby, because it is my baby. Sometimes, our baby might be accurate, but my is never inaccurate.

What is your agenda here? Are you a MRA?

existentialmoment · 06/10/2017 12:46

Why is the man not allowed to say our pregnancy then? Afterall with no man there would be no pregnancy?

Because pregnancy is by definition something exclusively happening to a woman. If you are pregnant, you have a foetus in your uterus. A man has no uterus, and no foetus. He IS NOT PREGNANT AND IT CANNOT BE OUR PREGNANCY.

Batteriesallgone · 06/10/2017 13:20

I can see why it should bother me but it doesn't, tbh.

And when I'm talking to someone who only knows the male half of a couple I have been known to say he is having a baby / he is pregnant. As shorthand for his partner is pregnant.

It's really prevalent language around here, people always say it.

PandorasXbox · 06/10/2017 13:34

Total non issue. It’s just a phrase. One that I have yet to hear any man I know say tbf.

Katedotness1963 · 06/10/2017 13:56

When our eldest was a newborn there wasn't a topic of conversation that my husband couldn't insert the phrase "last night, when I was up with the baby" into.

Bad weather? He heard it "last night, when I was up with the baby"

Anything in the news? He heard it on TV "last night, when I was up with the baby"

How's his family? He phoned them "last night when he was up with the baby"

It drove me absolutely mad! He made it sound like I did nothing. Child was breasted. I was up too. I was home alone for 14 hours a day while he was at work. Eventually we had words.

squizita · 06/10/2017 19:30

4 miscarriages, 300+ self administered injections of heparin, 14 weeks of horrific vomiting, 1 maxed out thyroid, 1 bang up case of prenatal anxiety. 1 baby.

The level of thoughtless "let them eat cake" entitlement in clichés like"we are pregnant" and "you're not ill" etc makes my blood boil. My husband has seen what "difficult" pregnancy looks like. He finds it equally grabby and "nice guy wanting being threatened by anything not about him" it very often is.

Like "she's saying she's pregnant not us. But I'm nice! I tell her what she can't eat and bring cushions ... bitch friendzoned spermzoned me, waaaa!"

squizita · 06/10/2017 19:49

Golden "my" baby, emotions and moral's aside - because ONE important cell was provided (while having fun) by my husband. The other 6lb 14oz came out of me, from food I digested, processed and passed through me. His bonding and making the baby his is through behaviour and love - but (as some sadly know) the man doesn't actually have to do the right thing by the woman for the baby to exist. If the woman chooses to have the baby, she cannot do it in absentia: she physically makes it then often feeds it for 6+ months with her body. Thus it is very possible for baby to be "my" to one and not the other in some cases - and some men sadly take advantage of that. But that's highly subjective. From a grammatical and scientific point if view the 'I vs we' thing falls like a straw dog too.

In terms of very very basic childlike literacy, items can be "mine" and another person's at the same time. Examples: "that's my stop" (I am not stealing it from the other commuters or claiming they can't have it), "that's my family" (they all say the same) etc. Thus:
A mother saying my baby = accurate
A father (depending on your morals, a father who has contact/supports more than a 'deadbeat') saying "my baby" = accurate
Parents - birth or adoptive - saying "our baby" about a born baby = correct.

A woman saying "I am pregnant" = correct.
A man saying "we are pregnant" = incorrect. He is not pregnant. He can say we are starting a family, expecting, about to be parents ... but there's no waaaa snowflake man element to thus. It's just cold hard fact: he is not pregnant.

Original poster

brasty · 06/10/2017 21:13

Pregnancy is a biological fact that can be tough on some women. It is fine to say we are having a baby, but no not we are pregnant. The man is NEVER pregnant. Never ever.

OP posts:

Winebottle · 06/10/2017 22:58

I'm on the fence about "my wife is expecting" v "we are expecting"

existentialmoment · 06/10/2017 23:08

And when I'm talking to someone who only knows the male half of a couple I have been known to say he is having a baby / he is pregnant. As shorthand for his partner is pregnant

sorry but if you said to me "that man is pregnant" I would think there was something seriously wrong with you!

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