AIBU to be extremely upset at having to sell my home?

[woods4thetrees]

My partner with whom I just bought our first house in March this year walked out at the weekend with his 2 DS (10 &11) , leaving myself and my 5 year old DS from a previous relationship. We have just spent the last 6 months doing the place up spending a large amount of money in the process (think new kitchen, bathroom etc) and had literally just finished all this when he decided he was leaving. He cites my anger and stress as the reason saying he no longer loves me. I am currently feeling like I am going crazy. I do have a short fuse and a sharp tongue, but suffer with depression and have been pretty down as have been stressed about all the work we’ve been doing in the house and also the transition that has been going on getting used to us all living together. He and I had very different parenting styles, I am quite strict, believe in disciple and boundaries. He is very laid back and wants to be their mate, no consequences to bad behaviour, that type of thing. We’d had a few rows recently, nothing really major I’d thought but then I am a bit of an argumentative so and so. He is a more sensitive soul but is also quite rude and patronising at times to me but was generally very loving. This has come a bit out of the blue. He wants to now sell the house, he pestered me to sell my house and move in with him, uprooting my son, and now I’m going to have to move again!! AIBU to be really really REALLY upset? My DS just asked me if we can buy back our old house I can’t decide if it’s all my fault!

Ah woods - there will always be those ready to kick you for being honest. :(

Sounds like there's really nothing you can do here - the egocentric git has already got another woman lined up, so all you can do now is retire gracefully from the field and take as much as you can get from the house.
If, as it sounds, you can't afford to buy him out then yes, you will have to move on - but probably not a good idea to promise your DS things that you can't guarantee in the future :(

I'm sorry for you, that you're hurting over this - but he does sound like a selfish arse who just wants someone to worship and pander to him, without him putting much in in return.

Neither of you is being UR. You want different things in life. And he has a very poor understanding of mh issues which is never good. Can you afford to buy his share of the house?

Sadly I can’t afford to buy him out. I’m not even sure I’d get much of a mortgage on my own. My aunt provided my mortgage in my previous property but I’m unsure if she’d be willing to do that again / for the foreseeable. I had a large amount of equity in my previous property and paid my aunt back and took the equity to the new place. But even if I could get 4 times my salary I’d likely only be able to afford a flat, no garden for my son and dog. A flat wasn’t good enough for my partner when he was being forced to sell his marital home by his ex wife, he gave me the sob story of how he’d have to move to a flat and his boys would no longer have a garden which is part of the reason I moved in with him. That and he said he couldn’t carry on seeing me if I didn’t as it was unsustainable for him to spend his spare time at mine with me as his house wasn’t gettting looked after. I feel like I’ve been used. The more I think about it the more I believe it. I can see we were obviously profoundly mismatched. But I’m a hopeless romantic, I really loved him and just hoped it’d work out. He changed almost immediately that we moved in together I felt. No more flowers bought, no more sitting watching tv together in the evenings, just sat on his pc looking at YouTube videos of drumming. I was stressed with all the work and the adaptation to blended family life. His boys were with us 4 days a week and his youngest son (10) was often unkind to my son and was rude and disrespectful to me. I had no problem with his eldest son and on the occasions it was just the 4 of us with his youngest out, it was so settled and calm. I had my worries about his youngest after going away on holiday with them last year. I’ve really fucked up. I feel such a fool.

Sit on working out the financials who had paid how much for the renovations. You need to leave with what you have put in, what you've spent plus any percentage increase that it's gone up in value buy. Get it in it's best shape to sell for as much as possible.

Can you look into shared ownership where you live?

I think it's a blessing in disguise. He sounds like an arse.

He doesn't sound great, he doesn't sound like he was at all good to you. It is a pain, but you will be better just you and your son in the long run. Take heart, things will improve, don't be hard on yourself.

He sounds like a right arse. It seems he reeled you in when it suited him and has cast you aside now he's got a different female interest.
Don't feel guilty, you've done nothing wrong

OP could you move somewhere a bit cheaper so you can get a bigger house.

I had a fresh start somewhere new with my kid, it's worked out really well.

I'm sorry this has happened but you need to get practical and work out your options, try and keep an open mind about those

I'm so sorry OP

I’m sorry you’re having rough time. And no of course not unreasonable to be very upset by all of this especially if another woman.
I’d describe myself as short fuse and sharp tongue and can be argumentative. I’m disciplinarian in my home too. But I’d also say I’m fun and happy and loving. They’re not incompatible! Sounds like you were being honest. And also from your update sounds like you had the entire mental and physical load to carry for a family of five.
Hope you can get good legal and money advice and move on with son. He must be very unsettled and will need extra attention but he’s 5 and as long as he has you - the most important person in his life - I’m sure he will be able to feel settled again.

Oh Woods - sounds like he really did take you for a ride :(
What an utter bastard thing to do to you and your DS.
You need legal advice ASAP to see what you can salvage from this mess.

So sorry

This is the risk you run being unmarried. I don't think it is a good idea to make big irreversible decisions like selling up and moving in for someone who has not made any commitment to the relationship and can leave at any time for any reason.

You both took a gamble and it didn't work out. Buying a place together rather than renting was a silly mistake but it's going to be a costly one.

He's not wrong to want out, he shouldn't have to stay if unhappy or his children were.

Mum Doesn't everyone argue?

No. I was with my ex for 11 years and although we split is was very amicable. We hadn't one argument in all those years.

Sorry, I think this man did the right thing by his children who take priority.

Didnt you contemplate living together in either of your existing homes or rent for a year or so to see how well you worked loving together?

Well it’s been a bit of a disaster and hindsight is 20/20... but please for the love of god don’t try and blend families again. There is nothing in it for the children.

Get the house sold. Try for a SO place or a small house in a cheaper area. Look after yourself and your son.

You took a big risk and it didn’t work out. Next time, don’t sell your home to move in with a man who isn’t legally committed to you, and whom you’ve never even lived with before.

And don’t make promises like that to your son again.

He's an arsehole, from your follow up posts about him cheating. He's not an arsehole for not minding his kids wanting to run around inside the house

I can't get over you buying a house together.

My fiancé is moving in wit me next year - we have discussed him keeping his house on until we know it works. And that's with us being sure enough to marry, his kids being mostly at uni, and there being no house buying and selling going on. I still want an easily reversible trial run. Please, learn a lesson from this mistake!

As for promising your son it was a forever home...

What is the financial situation? How do you own the house, and how much money will you get back from it? Please don't tell me you put in a massive deposit but you own the house as Joint Tenants or Tenants in Common with a 50/50 split?

Work out how much money you'll get from the sale.
Check what mortgage you can get.
Go back to your aunt and ask if she's prepared to help you again.

Tell your son that you're sorry for the upheaval, that you had intended it to be a long term home, but teach him the lesson that it's wrong to stay in a relationship that doesn't work just for material things or because leaving is practically difficult.

Sorry to hear this @woods4thetrees, don’t you just love the mumsnet know it alls who completely miss the fact your man left because he infact has been seeing another woman.

Bitches on here love to victim blame.

Depression does make you irritable and snappy, add that to the stress of home renovations and blending two families then it makes for a really challenging time. Certainly not all your fault.
He’s taken the easy way out, and cast you in a bad light to shift blame from himself.

Take some legal/financial advice on your new home and try and work out a way of getting through this. Your son will be just fine if you show him everything will be alright.

He might be an arsehole, but OP still made a silly mistake by selling her home to move in with this man.

I can't decide if it is all my fault?!

OP the important thing is to think about your next move (no pun intended!). Yes it is crap that you will need to sell, but the more you post the more it does not sound like a happy family environment for your son anyway

@LucieLucie if you read the entire post she didn't say anything about him leaving for another woman untill yesterday- a few days after posting so most people didn't really miss anything it was information that hadn't been given in the op

What a selfish horrible man. No thought of the three children this will affect. No attempt at counselling, just walks out.

You would say that to a woman living with a super strict bloke with a short fuse, you'd be announcing red flags all over the place.

At what point did I say I am”super strict”?! I just personally think using the house and furniture as soft play or a parkour course is DANGEROUS for them. And leads to things (and bones potentially) getting broken. Surely all sensible parents who care about their children’s welfare would encourage them to play safely?! And when you have a child who is extremely disrespectful and says “no” to everything they’re asked to do who should know better at age 10, and they were very rude to both parents, that should just be let go unchecked should it? While there is a chance of resolving that sort of behaviour before they become an uncontrollable teen? I was grumpy with my partner at times yes. Not the kids. I just tried to parent them as opposed to be their friend all the time. And if my partner had been more like an adult than a child, maybe I’d not have been so grumpy with him? The more I have thought about it, and since finding out (after posting this) about the woman he is lining up to take my place, the more I KNOW that I won’t be taking all of the blame for this break up. I naively trusted him yes. I stupidly sold my house yes. Because I trusted him. We have a deed of trust which states who pout in what (me far more than he) so at least that is something. £500 well spent at the solicitors right there. The new development now is the mortgage penalty fee. Which is 5% of the total value of the mortgage and around £10k. Which, in my opinion, he should swallow given he’s not given it more than 6 months to see if we can make it work. 6 months is no time to allow for things to settle down, especially when I’ve been suffering with depression for about 4 of those months. I’ve suffered with depression on and off since my first miscarriage triggered something 12 years ago. It always goes away. Sadly often comes back. I met him when I was good and happy. I don’t know why it came back this time. Fear maybe? Stress of the 2 moves (out of my place, into his, then into ours?) whatever, but he could’ve given it more of a chance.

But why should he give it more of a chance? When you know, you know.
That's not a judgement on whose fault it is - it doesn't matter, if he knows it isn't what he wants, then no he shouldn't give it more of a chance. I do think that when there are children involved you should really be sure and if you're not sure, you should try to improve the relationship. But if it's over you know, and you need to rip off the plaster.

You can't say that he should take on the mortgage penalty fee. You both chose to take that risk, you both share the cost of it. How long are you tied in for?