AIBU to be extremely upset at having to sell my home?

[woods4thetrees]

My partner with whom I just bought our first house in March this year walked out at the weekend with his 2 DS (10 &11) , leaving myself and my 5 year old DS from a previous relationship. We have just spent the last 6 months doing the place up spending a large amount of money in the process (think new kitchen, bathroom etc) and had literally just finished all this when he decided he was leaving. He cites my anger and stress as the reason saying he no longer loves me. I am currently feeling like I am going crazy. I do have a short fuse and a sharp tongue, but suffer with depression and have been pretty down as have been stressed about all the work we’ve been doing in the house and also the transition that has been going on getting used to us all living together. He and I had very different parenting styles, I am quite strict, believe in disciple and boundaries. He is very laid back and wants to be their mate, no consequences to bad behaviour, that type of thing. We’d had a few rows recently, nothing really major I’d thought but then I am a bit of an argumentative so and so. He is a more sensitive soul but is also quite rude and patronising at times to me but was generally very loving. This has come a bit out of the blue. He wants to now sell the house, he pestered me to sell my house and move in with him, uprooting my son, and now I’m going to have to move again!! AIBU to be really really REALLY upset? My DS just asked me if we can buy back our old house I can’t decide if it’s all my fault!

Here come the excuses for OPs behabiour I see.

*behaviour

I fail to see how the bloke has done anything wrong TBH.

I fail to see how the bloke has done anything wrong TBH.

Me too

It's impossible for online randoms to tell whether OP is a bad-tempered whinyarse who'se hell to live with, or if the XDP is a passive-aggressive manchilde. Either way, the relationship sounds awful and best off ended.

My advice, OP, is consult a solicitor to find out your options with regard to the house. Then decide what will work best.

I would struggle to live with an argumentative person with a short fuse as I am very mild mannered and placid. It would really upset me to the point that I couldn't continue such a mismatched relationship. I hate arguing and wouldn't put up with someone spoiling for a scrap all the time.
It is shit timing though OP and I'm really sorry about your depression. I've been through it myself and it is so hard.
There are no options really than to put the house on the market and look for a new home with your son. Don't concentrate on trying to convince your ex to change his mind. Concentrate on keeping positive and looking for a nice new home for you and your son. If you are happy and positive and excited about a new home your DS will be too. Talk about all the nice things you can do like decorating his new room.
What are your options when it comes to buying? Will you be ok financially?
I would also ask your GP for advice on your anger and how it links with the depression and if you can get any help with that.
Good luck op.

I agree with the majority. YANBU to be upset, of course not, but console yourself with the fact that he may have saved you both from years of misery.

I feel a bit sorry for OP though as she was trying to describe herself honestly, and some people are definitely just more hot-tempered than others; it doesn't necessary mean that a person is impossible to live with or a total be-atch. Presumably the guy involved knew six months ago that she wasn't a placid person, too.

Of course you’ll be upset for some time, and YANBU to feel hurt and depressed (you were already struggling with that) but it sounds like his decision was for the best, for him and for his DC. In time I expect you’ll see that.

You are clearly very different and he obviously couldn’t cope with your sharp tongue and short fuse. My DH is like your ex, he hates confrontation and can sound patronising though it’s not intended. I get irritated by him but mostly we rub along fine. If you’re arguing a lot then that would be exhausting for someone who hates conflict.

God, I feel for you, but why did didn't you have a trial run at living together. You took a massive gamble and your kid lost his home.

Just on paper, 2 adults moving in together with 3 similar aged boys...what are the odds that would ever have worked out.

Chin up and move on.

Surely you want more for your son than to live in a home where the adults argue.

You're not U to be upset, however you don't sound like a good match. Some people are opposites and balance each other out but honestly living with someone argumentative sounds draining.
Putting the relationship stuff to the side, have you ever had counselling OP? Maybe you could learn some strategies for your short fuse. If not for a partner then for your children. It would be stressful to have an impatient parent who was set off easily.

No one deserves to be abused. He did the right thing for himself and his kids leaving you.

Woah that's a bit of a stretch.

Surely you want more for your son than to live in a home where the adults argue.

Doesn't everyone argue? I know we do. It doesn't mean our kids would be better off elsewhere. I don't think.

And abused? Blimey. Harsh.

With regard to your question, OP, of course it's not all your fault! You say that your partner pestered you to sell up and buy a house with him - presumably, to consider blending both your families, he'd thought long and hard about this, knew you and your short temper/stress levels and believed that it could work out. Don't take all the responsibility!!

I'm more like you than your partner in terms of stress and discipline at least, and equally admire and am frustrated by the more laissez fairs in life - if something needs doing, I want to get on with it and as soon as possible. DD is very laid back and just laughs at me, and we have co-existed for 19 years but that's different.

You are definitely not unreasonable to be very upset but if there is going to be upheaval, better now rather than further down the line.

YANBU to be upset, your relationship has ended so that is natural to feel this way. It is also understandable to be upset at having to move house when you don't want to. It sounds as if your ex is resolute in his decision.

I know you were being honest but the adjectives you have used to describe yourself do not make you sound like a very nice person to live with - a short fuse, a sharp tongue, stressed, an argumentative so and so. I would not live with a person like that and I certainly would not want to raise my children with someone like that either.

Blended families require a lot of love, patience and compromise on both sides to work successfully. Sometimes this means biting your tongue and not sweating the small stuff.

You have said you have had a few rows lately, this may be ok for you as you have admitted to being argumentative, but it may have affected your partner more than you realise if he is not confrontational and is a sensitive person.

I hope everything works out for you and your DS, hopefully you are able to find a nice house and start again. Chalk this one up to experience and learn from it.

Doesn't everyone argue? I know we do. It doesn't mean our kids would be better off elsewhere. I don't think.

The difference in this case being that presumably OP and her DS were living on their own in relative harmony and a little boy has gone from that to living with a man and his two much older sons and a Mum who's angry, stressed and getting into big rows.

The house will have been a building site with all the work going on which is incredibly unsettled, but even if that's over, no matter how nice the place is it's not worth the unhappy atmosphere of two adults who are at each other's throats and 3 children who deserved better.

And it really rather depends on what you mean by "argue" MuminMama. We don't always agree on everything but the DC never hear raised voices or hurtful words said in the heat of the moment. Ever.

My neighbours on the other hand have a massive screaming/shouting/swearing/smashing stuff/banging doors/hope you die/call the police style barny about once a week.

It's horrible, really upsetting to listen to. I'm sure they think they "argue". Their DC have left home but apparently they've been like that for 20 years and it can't have been a safe, healthy place for children to grow up. They hate each other and the bitterness spills out of the windows and doors so we all get to know it!

OP says their rows have been "nothing really major". Well maybe her ex doesn't agree and chooses not to bring his DC up in that sort of environment.

I take your point. I guess 'argue' covers a wide range.

I would say op. You sound much more upset about having to sell the house and move than you are about the relationship ending.

There is no, I love him, I’m devastated we won’t be together stuff, it’s all I’m very upset I have to move again and loads about the house.

I’d reread your op and think about that some. Even your op isn’t about being upset about the relationship ending, it’s simply about being upset as you have to sell up.

Here come the excuses for OPs behabiour I see.

Sorry for not joining in with the Hive Mind and for considering another angle. Naughty step for me

I don't know the OP. Or her ex. I know this site pretty well though and I know how women are quick to run themselves and each other (often gleefully) down while taking every possible chance to "poor bloke" the guy involved.

If the OP was that awful, why hasn't she come back? We see plenty of brass neck posters who will argue that their way is right.

Sorry for not joining in with the Hive Mind and for considering another angle. Naughty step for me

I know how women are quick to run themselves and each other (often gleefully) down while taking every possible chance to "poor bloke" the guy involved.

Never see people saying that when it's the man doing the shouting and aggression. In fact there is usually a chorus of LTB.

If the OP was that awful, why hasn't she come back? We see plenty of brass neck posters who will argue that their way is right.

Because she's busy. Because she realises she's wrong. Numerous reasons.

Well. I am a bit shocked at some of the responses. Yes I do have a short fuse but am most certainly not abusive. I certainly have never verbally abused either him or his children, or my own child come to that, we discovered on living together that we have very different opinions about different things. I don’t think the home is a place for tearing around like loonies, but for quiet, calm safe family time. The garden is for that. When I say I am argumentative what I mean is that if I believe I am right but am being told I’m wrong (often) I will fight my corner. I’m a strong personality with strong opinions. His further arguments since leaving have been that I did not “dote” on him enough, didn’t love him enough, didn’t laugh enough at his “jokes”. I have been depressed for months, I find it hard to crack a smile some days. However yesterday it also transpired he’s found another woman to massage his ego for him already, some groupie that follows the band he plays in. He’s been meeting her and messaging her for weeks apparently. I DO love him, and his kids very much, as does my son. But equally I will be losing mine and my sons home and feel very guilty about that, I promised my son this would be our forever home. I organised all the work with no help, I have been a cook and housemaid to him and his kids with little help. I also work 4 days a week so to say I’ve been under a lot of pressure is an understatement. So if I blow my top every now and then (ie have a right moan at him (not in front of the kids) is that so very wrong? Are all those if you calling me abusive honestly saying you’ve never lost your rag about anything ever??

Ive come away with my son for the weekend on our own on what should have been a family weekend away. So I’ve been busy hence not responding before now, I wish I’d not bothered looking at this!!