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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if you have a 'best friend'....

98 replies

HoldingBay · 04/10/2017 14:10

... it sounds like you're at primary school.

I know a few people who refer to their 'best friend'. Maybe it's just me, but I can't help but think it makes them sound like a child.

Why not just call them a close friend? What happens if they start to drift apart from their best friend, at what point do they suddenly stop being the 'best friend' and do they need to bagsy another one quick?

Disclaimer: I only have a few real friends, some are closer than others, and none really qualify for a 'best friend' so I may well be envious!

OP posts:

ConciseandNice · 04/10/2017 15:44

I'm with you 5rivers7hills. I have a best friend. She means the world to me. We speak every day even if we only are able to see each other every few weeks. My life would be a great deal poorer if I didn't have her in it.

Jjou · 04/10/2017 15:44

Meh, I have a best friend. We've known each other for 37 years. She just is my best mate, it's like an unassailable fact. We can be extremely childish though, so maybe that's why it works ;)

Oblomov17 · 04/10/2017 15:50

I find it offensive some of the negative things said in this thread.

Also some of OP’s assumptions, Say more about her than they do about the issue of a ‘best friend’ : op’s insistence that friendships change? yes some do, some don’t.

some people might be friends for 50 or 60 years and their friendships doesn’t change, or the depth of it doesn’t.
maybe you’ve never experienced that, maybe you are jealous because you dont have no understanding of what that’s like.

there are plenty about people out there to whom this has happened.

I have a best friend. 20 years ago we met at uni. I have 3 close friends. And other nice groups: say PN group, football mum’s I’ve just come back from Spain with.
And others. Someone only of a certain level/depth. but we can go for a glass of Wine or dinner and it be perfectly nice.

Others. Acquaintances I guess.

Why is people having various degrees of closeness or different depths of friendship, a problem to you.

I have never Been and never would be jealous of anybody else’s friendship or curious about what depth they were.

Original poster

HoldingBay · 04/10/2017 15:51

I am genuinely really happy that many of you have best friends. It's just the notion of 'best' - better than all the rest (to quote Tina Turner) can make other friends feel they can never be as close/fall short in some way. This is just my personal experience, as someone who doesn't have a best friend.

Thanks for your thoughts/experiences.

retreats to the basement to resume work on human-hair tapestry before going to bed with a copy of 'How to win friends and influence people'

OP posts:

DiegoMadonna · 04/10/2017 15:52

Not being arsey squoosh, it's just kind of by definition if you have a best friend, then you must have one friend who is closer than others, right?

I guess I'm just trying to say that it's quite possible to have a group of "best friends" (who you love, speak to every day, have lived with, enrich your life, would do anything for, etc") where nobody is more of a best friend than anyone else.

Nancy91 · 04/10/2017 15:55

I think that's the point OP, it's setting them apart as irreplaceable and showing that nobody else is as close to you. I don't know how anyone can be insulted by that, surely you have to accept that you aren't going to be at the highest level of friendship with everyone?

Sallystyle · 04/10/2017 15:55

I have a best friend. I have only been friends with her for a year but our relationship is wonderful and I have never had a friend who I feel this close to (as an adult) before. I don't have many close friends to be fair but our relationship is very special and I don't think I could have that kind of friendship with many people.

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2017 15:56

I don’t know any adults who say this either.

I have heard “one of my oldest friends”or a “close friend”or even a “good friend”or even “dear friend”

But usually it’s just “a friend of mines” . I don’t know any adult who says my “ best friend”.

Not jealousy, I have a group of very close friends.

n0ne · 04/10/2017 15:59

I'm sorry but I have a best friend and I'm not ashamed to say it. I guess because we've been best friends since childhood it feels natural to continue calling her my best friend - maybe if we'd met as adults it would be different. But she is absolutely my best friend, knows all my secrets, has been with me in every possible state, situation and stage of my life, and has always had my back. I can't imagine how another friend could be jealous of her 'best friend' status because they could clearly never replace that.

Keepthebloodynoisedown · 04/10/2017 16:01

I have a best friend, she's going to be my MoH when I get married and she's the person I know I can call at anytime if I need her.
We've been friends since we started secondary school, so obviously our friendship has changed massively, but I still feel closer to her than any other friend.

GallicosCats · 04/10/2017 16:01

Women tend to keep friends for life, right from school days. They are the freinds that know you best, are your closest frineds, who have grown withyou, seen you at your worst and on your highs.

Maybe, if you were lucky enough to meet the right bunch of people at school. I have a feeling this scenario isn't as common or normal as they make out in the Good Housekeeping friendship pages.

My own schooldays were blighted by bullying, but even if they hadn't been we'd still have outgrown each other. Apart from one fellow oddball, I'm no longer in touch with former schoolmates and have no desire to get in touch.

DiegoMadonna · 04/10/2017 16:02

But she is absolutely my best friend, knows all my secrets, has been with me in every possible state, situation and stage of my life, and has always had my back

I have several friends like that who I've known since we were 5. None of us use the term "best friend"

Mittens1969 · 04/10/2017 16:02

I really hate the term ‘bestie’, it just sounds like something my DDs (8 and 5) would say. Obviously we’re all closer to some friends than others, but the term ‘best friend’ just sounds like you’re in school. DD2 has a best friend and they really are close, it’s cute, but not what you expect with adults.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 04/10/2017 16:05

...can make other friends feel they can never be as close/fall short in some way

Yep. They won’t be as close and they do fall short in some way... like not dropping everything at 3am and racing round to my house to help me out for example. I don’t think that’s a bad thing though.

squoosh · 04/10/2017 16:05

Wow.

It’s almost as though different friendship groups can have different dynamics!

BlackPepperCrab · 04/10/2017 16:10

For me I guess terms are just terms, and especially for something unquantifiable, I don’t really see the distinction between best/closest. Thinking about it though, I do tend to refer to people as my “best mate” albeit with a location added to the term. E.g. best mate from work, best mate from Uni, etc. They’re all different people.

NotAgainYoda · 04/10/2017 16:11

I have a best friend, but I don't refer to her as that to other people because it does sound a bit childish. She's my oldest friend, from age 11 (36 years) . I only see her once or twice a year but she is my best friend. I trust her completely and I don't trust many people completely.

Mittens1969 · 04/10/2017 16:12

I do have a few really close friends, who I can depend on to have my back at all times but I wouldn’t refer to any one particular friend as being my ‘best friend’. Each one of them is special in their own way. It’s probably because I didn’t get close like that to any friend as a child, the oldest friend is from uni days.

NotAgainYoda · 04/10/2017 16:12

Thinking about it. My husband is actually my best friend

5foot5 · 04/10/2017 16:16

I have a best friend. He is my DH. I can't imagine being closer to anyone else that I would confide in them things I wouldn't tell him.

Women tend to keep friends for life, right from school days.
That has not been my experience. I had best friends at school but then we all moved on to different places. We kept in touch and write occasionally but they are not really in my life anymore.

Then I had best friends at Uni. Same thing.

WhiskeySourpuss · 04/10/2017 16:20

I have a best friend - she's been my best friend since nursery so that's 35 years I think she wholly deserves the title.

I also have close friends some I've known for a few years others I've known for 10 plus years.

Whilst I do share things with my close friends my best friend is the only person that knows absolutely everything about me & me about her simply because we grew up together & have shared every aspect of our lives. It's not having tiers of friendship it's just that my friendship with her is different due to our shared history.

Wheelycote · 04/10/2017 16:21

My oldest and longest known friend not saying best friend, has like a gazillion best friends. Everyone she knows is one her best friends. Pees me off a bit because yes I'm jealous lol she's my closest friend but I'm not hers😳🙄. It is playground😂😂😂

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 04/10/2017 16:22

Women tend to keep friends for life, right from school days.

That has not been my experience. I had best friends at school but then we all moved on to different places. We kept in touch and write occasionally but they are not really in my life anymore.

Not mine either. I have 1 friend from school, most people I know have a few uni friends but not these big packs of school mates.

5rivers7hills · 04/10/2017 16:25

Maybe, if you were lucky enough to meet the right bunch of people at school. I have a feeling this scenario isn't as common or normal as they make out in the Good Housekeeping friendship pages.

I didn't have very good friends at school.

My best friend isn't from school or childhood - we met when we were in our twenties and instantly clicked. We got increasingly close over several years and our bond is very different to the bond I have with other people. I would say she is my soul mate, in a non sexual way.

Our bond seems all the closer for having to 'work' at it slightly - we didn't actually live in the same city when we first met so for years it was a weekend and email/text relationship. We did have friends in common and a hobby in common which helped.

I feel so so SO lucky to have her in my life. Honestly I do think a 'BFF' is like a partner in that they don't come along all that often. Its a numbers game, you might never meet someone so good.

She brings a lot of happiness, fun and support into my life (which is reciprocated). We want nothing but the best for each other.

After having shitty 'friends' at school I don't tolerate bad behavior in 'friendships' - people who don't treat you right don't deserve to be in your life.

It's just the notion of 'best' - better than all the rest (to quote Tina Turner) can make other friends feel they can never be as close/fall short in some way. This is just my personal experience, as someone who doesn't have a best friend.

To me yes it IS different but you don't need to rub peoples nose in it and be all like "BFF and me are doing this, no you aren't invited".

Notreallyarsed · 04/10/2017 16:29

I had a best friend, we were very close, we knew each other inside out and shared things neither of us had shared with anyone else apart from our partners. We had a bond I’ve never had with anyone else. She died 4 years ago and I was lost, I still am a bit. I have friends now, good friends who I love very much, but nobody will ever know me the way she did apart from DP.

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