Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a MIL one, but bear with me...

69 replies

rocktohardplace · 03/10/2017 17:22

Hi all,

I'm a longtime member (have name changed for this one though), even though I don't post often, so please bear with me!

Very long story short - My DP's parents divorced 4 years ago, and it was extremely messy. MIL had been having an affair for years, had been given chances to end the affair, swore she had, and eventually announced she was leaving FIL. All was done behind their adult children's back, and the usual demands for loyalty were then made, lies told, and a huge amount of inappropriate oversharing happened.

Things sort of calmed down for a while, and through their understandable grief, DP started to try and rebuild their relationship with MIL. When it transpired that she had a new partner, DP tried to be happy for her, but asked for a little time to adjust to the idea. Then it transpired that the new partner was the same guy she'd been having the affair with (despite her swearing over and over again it wasn't). DP then stated clearly that adjustment time and space would definitely be needed, mainly to deal with the anger still felt, and MIL would have to respect the request for space.

Since then, this has been a huge battleground. MIL constantly pushes for DP to meet her new partner, lectures about the "disrespect" being shown to him etc etc. DP consistently tries to explain that this is an emotionally difficult space to navigate and that the request is for time and space to rebuild their relationship, before adding someone else towards whom there is still anger.

Now to the crux - My DP's family live overseas. We are expecting a baby soon. MIL is refusing to visit without her partner. Him just accompanying her wouldn't be an issue for DP, except DP doesn't trust MIL not to spring a 'surprise' meeting to enforce interaction (to make things worse, in their last 'discussion', MIL admitted this is exactly what she wanted to do...).

Both are at an utter impasse, and refusing to budge. It's driving me crackers. WIBU to involve myself to suggest a compromise? - potentially that MIL and her partner come out, not stay with us, and we all play it by ear as to whether a meet up happens (not agree or rule it out)? Apart from anything else, I'm not sure I'll be up to the drama with a newborn, but it is crystal clear to me that this cannot continue.

Anyway, sorry that's so long. Any thoughts/advice would be very gratefully received.

OP posts:
Santawontbelong · 03/10/2017 17:26

If your mil can't put your dh feelings before her own for the arrival of her first gc I would cancel her invitation. The last thing your should have to do as a new dm is play ref. Your dh is entitled to be focusing on his new arrival and supporting his dw not pandering to his selfish dm. Imo.

MimiSunshine · 03/10/2017 17:31

Stay out. Why get involved in something already so messy? You can't clean it up for them.

Your compromise won't work either. How likely are you and your DH to tell his mum that she can't visit at all when she's travelled over?
And presumably she knows where you live so would probably just turn up at your house and with her partner in tow when your options are to shut the door in her face or suffer through the visit.

Just support your DH in saying 'mum I love you, I want us to be close again but at the minute I don't trust you to do the right thing by me and I need you to respect my feelings on this, therefore you are welcome to visit but your partner isnt'

Deemail · 03/10/2017 17:34

Your dh has made his feelings clear, you should respect those
Very valid feelings and not try to change his mind.
His mother has behaved appalling, she's a liar and a cheat and has been for a long time. Don't get drawn into enabling her further.

blueberrypie0112 · 03/10/2017 17:37

Tough situation because apparently she want this guy be a part of her life. Stay out of it. Leave it between your DH and his mom.

AnnetteCurtains · 03/10/2017 17:37

Im with your husband on this , he needs time to heal
It's his baby too & you you should both be focusing on that not be drawn into your MILs childish playground behaviour

PuppyMonkey · 03/10/2017 17:39

If she's refusing to visit without her partner, so be it. She doesn't come. Result!

I'd be quite cross about you interfering in this if I were your DP. Leave then to sort it out amongst themselves.

CockacidalManiac · 03/10/2017 17:40

Your husband seems to be dealing with the situation as well as he can, and has explained his reasons well. I would leave it to him, and wouldn’t undermine him.

gunsandbanjos · 03/10/2017 17:43

You need to respect your husbands decision. It’s a difficult situation but he needs to get there in his own time.

RandomMess · 03/10/2017 17:46

No way do you want MIL coming to stay when you have a newborn with all this sh*t going on!!!

Original poster
rocktohardplace · 03/10/2017 17:50

Thank you all for the responses - to be honest, it's the pain this is all causing DP that is driving me mad! Without compromise somewhere I can see MIL and DP having no ongoing relationship, and the heartbreak that would cause doesn't bear thinking about.

Mimi the compromise I was suggesting didn't involve banning MIL from visiting, only that her partner wouldn't be able to 'just turn up', but also that meeting wouldn't necessarily be ruled out either (although I can only see that happening even vaguely on neutral ground!)

OP posts:
SootSprite · 03/10/2017 17:54

Sorry OP but I think you should stay well clear of this one. Your DP is the one to be making this decision, to you. For gods sake just support his decision, don’t try to be the hero who sorts it...because you won’t sort it and it will all blow up in your face.

SootSprite · 03/10/2017 17:55

NOT you, not ‘to you’ -fat fingers 🙄

Jayfee · 03/10/2017 17:56

Yu need to support dh. He dowant to meet the new man.

Jayfee · 03/10/2017 17:57

sorry about typos

bingolittle · 03/10/2017 17:59

How horrible that she would treat her son like this. She sounds utterly selfish and the longer she stays away the better.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 03/10/2017 17:59

You need to back your husband up. He's drawn a very reasonable line in the sand, his mother is blackmailing him and you're enabling her. Just back off and let him make his choices.

bingolittle · 03/10/2017 17:59

P.S. I would stay out of it, apart from backing him up to the hilt.

Justanothernap · 03/10/2017 18:06

I think it's best you don't try to sort a compromise. Then you remain someone your dh can talk to about this. And don't risk becoming part of the problem

He'll either accept his dm as she is (somewhat flawed it seems) and think it's worth having a relationship with her on her terms. Or he may not be able to do that & he may have to accept she won't be in his life.

She may change. But it sounds like there's a good chance she won't. Your poor dh.

scaryteacher · 03/10/2017 18:12

I think you need to back him up here as my dh did for me in a similar position. I was already well acquainted with my Dad's OW, as she was a decades long, longstanding family 'friend', but I refused point blank to attend their wedding, and was very reluctant for her to be part of ds's life, as he already had two very involved Grandmothers, and didn't need another one.

I made my peace with my Dad eventually, but it took years, and I never wanted much, if any, involvement with his then wife, as they both tried to air brush my much loved mother out of the picture.

it is up to your dp what type of relationship he now wants with his Mum, and he may, like me, prefer to have a close relationship with his other parent. and support them.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/10/2017 18:12

The only thing you should do is support whatever decision your partner makes. You can't fix this so stay the hell out of it.

Butterymuffin · 03/10/2017 18:13

I would just say that DH has your full support, and then stay totally away from the whole thing. Don't get involved, it will be messy.

TiredMumToTwo · 03/10/2017 18:17

Keep out of it, support your husband in his wishes & if she ends up not seeing her grandchild then that's her look out.

Ellendegeneres · 03/10/2017 18:17

Oh I feel so sorry for your dp.
I get your position feels awkward but it's gonna be a whole lot worse if she and her bloke are in your house and she's referring to him as grandad 🤢
Your dp won't come back from that. Allow him to deal with it and just make the right supportive noises and be there for him.

This woman does not have the right to be in your dps life by blackmail. If she comes alone, they can possibly rebuild. But you don't negotiate with people like that. Poisonous woman.

AlternativeTentacle · 03/10/2017 18:17

No, support your husband and say you want nothing more to do with it.

Twitchingdog · 03/10/2017 18:19

At The end of the day you have ask you DH does he want to see his mum happy and not alone ?
No child wants to mum and dad not together and what ever yout age it hurt when spilt up
. You need to tell to grow put on his big pants and be glad glad his mum is happy and move on and become a great parent himself.

If he unable to do make him go to councillor as his child needs a father not a man child angry with his mum .