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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a MIL one, but bear with me...

69 replies

rocktohardplace · 03/10/2017 17:22

Hi all,

I'm a longtime member (have name changed for this one though), even though I don't post often, so please bear with me!

Very long story short - My DP's parents divorced 4 years ago, and it was extremely messy. MIL had been having an affair for years, had been given chances to end the affair, swore she had, and eventually announced she was leaving FIL. All was done behind their adult children's back, and the usual demands for loyalty were then made, lies told, and a huge amount of inappropriate oversharing happened.

Things sort of calmed down for a while, and through their understandable grief, DP started to try and rebuild their relationship with MIL. When it transpired that she had a new partner, DP tried to be happy for her, but asked for a little time to adjust to the idea. Then it transpired that the new partner was the same guy she'd been having the affair with (despite her swearing over and over again it wasn't). DP then stated clearly that adjustment time and space would definitely be needed, mainly to deal with the anger still felt, and MIL would have to respect the request for space.

Since then, this has been a huge battleground. MIL constantly pushes for DP to meet her new partner, lectures about the "disrespect" being shown to him etc etc. DP consistently tries to explain that this is an emotionally difficult space to navigate and that the request is for time and space to rebuild their relationship, before adding someone else towards whom there is still anger.

Now to the crux - My DP's family live overseas. We are expecting a baby soon. MIL is refusing to visit without her partner. Him just accompanying her wouldn't be an issue for DP, except DP doesn't trust MIL not to spring a 'surprise' meeting to enforce interaction (to make things worse, in their last 'discussion', MIL admitted this is exactly what she wanted to do...).

Both are at an utter impasse, and refusing to budge. It's driving me crackers. WIBU to involve myself to suggest a compromise? - potentially that MIL and her partner come out, not stay with us, and we all play it by ear as to whether a meet up happens (not agree or rule it out)? Apart from anything else, I'm not sure I'll be up to the drama with a newborn, but it is crystal clear to me that this cannot continue.

Anyway, sorry that's so long. Any thoughts/advice would be very gratefully received.

OP posts:
Original poster
rocktohardplace · 03/10/2017 18:24

I have to say it is so reassuring to have so many supportive responses. I have 100% been backing DP's decisions on this for the past four years!

I haven't been clear on my reasons for thinking about compromise perhaps. Right now DP is in a lose/lose position, ending up without MIL at all either way. I know that this is absolutely killing DP, and I am desperate to help somehow. But I can utterly accept that perhaps that just isn't possible 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
rocktohardplace · 03/10/2017 18:27

twitching DP has never once asked MIL to break off the relationship. Instead DP is asking to not be forced to play happy families with someone who played a hand in PILs marriage breaking down.

OP posts:
averythinline · 03/10/2017 18:33

maybe he will end up with no relationship with her but that is her choice by keeping pushing him and you both know she will turn up with new/old boyfriend.... I think you should just be clear - he is not invited

She will not be staying at yours - you can stop her/them coming to the hospital in the UK...you /dh can also refuse to let them into yours

email/text her to be absolutely clear..

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/10/2017 18:35

"MIL constantly pushes for DP to meet her new partner, lectures about the "disrespect" being shown to him"
Hmm. MIL is more bothered by a (mythical) disrespect being shown to her 'affairee', than the very real disrespect she inflicted on your DP by her extensive lying. And even at the birth of a grandchild, she is promoting her preferences over the preferences of the new parents.

She's a bit of a bastard, isn't she?

You're referring to the compromise involving her not staying with you. TBH, there's no effin' way her staying with you/DP should be being contemplated anyway. You'll have a new baby, you might prefer nobody to be staying with you whilst you adjust. Certainly not someone with whom there is any frostiness. It is in YOU and the BABY's best interests that you feel absolutely comfortable in the early days.

I would suggest to your DP that, whatever he decides; you would prefer that she not stay in your house as you will feel the need for privacy and comfort, and not to be walking on eggshells. it's too much to ask of you. Then, once you've lobbed that ball into his court, sit back and let him alone. Maybe, once he starts thinking about her not living with you, he'll be able to contemplate her bringing her affairee with her (but not to your house). Maybe.

Honestly, in this situation, put his and her relationship on the backburner of your thoughts, and concentrate on yourself and your needs.

Bucketsandspoons · 03/10/2017 18:35

Your MiL is more interested in enforcing your DP's validation and playing the games and the role she wants him in than she is in his feelings. Or him as a person.

That tells you pretty much all you need to know. Flowers Don't get into all this crap with a newborn.

wiltingfast · 03/10/2017 18:41

Tbh I think your dp is quite unreasonable. He's an adult , his mum is an adult. Her relationship with his dad is irretrievably broken down. That surely is their business, not really his?

Equally I think she is entitled to have a relationship now with someone else. Is it not better it is a continuation of a long standing one than some fly by night new partner ?

He seems overly vested in it all tbh. Is his dad not moving on? Is there some deeper reason he is so upset by their divorce he refuses to meet her partner?

Maybe they / he should consider counselling? You say this is going on for 4y?

picklemepopcorn · 03/10/2017 18:42

The only thing I would do if I were you, is to point out to DH that she is pushing it because she's known the guy years so doesn't feel it's new and to MIL that just because she's known him ages doesn't mean that it's an easy relationship for DH, in fact the opposite. Tell her that her insistence means DH doesn't trust her anymore and that she needs to back off. Maybe, just maybe they will be a bit easier on each other.

Don't have them over when the baby arrives, unless you are quite sure the tension has been resolved.

littlelove3 · 03/10/2017 19:08

I think you are doing the right thing in continuing to support your DP and let him make the decision about whether she comes or not. You don't need a drama on your doorstep with a new baby.

Twitchingdog · 03/10/2017 20:56

Rocktohardplace
"twitching DP has never once asked MIL to break off the relationship. Instead DP is asking to not be forced to play happy families with someone who played a hand in PILs marriage breaking down."

No all the man is doing is making your DP mum happy some thing his dad would not do.

Ps has his mum always been nice to his girlfriends or you?

All he has to do accept that his mum is happy .

Original poster
rocktohardplace · 03/10/2017 21:59

twitching Right, for a start, my DP is a woman. Not sure if that changes your perspective, but references to "big boys pants" etc are slightly redundant.

Secondly, I have no idea what MIL and her partner's relationship is like. If she is happy, fab. But he did have an affair, for years, with a married woman. Whose husband was (and is) devoted. And was devestated. So he did know what he was doing.

So in accepting her mother is happy, my wife must also accept the fact that that happiness came at a huge painful price for her other parent.

Perhaps not as straight forward as you're trying to paint it?

OP posts:
Original poster
rocktohardplace · 03/10/2017 22:01

To everyone else,

Thank you again, very grateful for your thoughts. Sorry if it feels like a drip feed to 'reveal' my DP as my DW (as in we are two mothers... just in case not clear). I was initially keen to keep this post as clear of markers as possible.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 03/10/2017 22:08

I would support DP in whatever she wants to do, and avoid getting involved in the decision making so far as possible.
Fwiw, if I were your DP, I would tell the mother to stay away unless, possibly, she is prepared to visit by herself.

blueberrypie0112 · 03/10/2017 22:13

Their marriage is over. And they still want to be together. I don’t think there is much your DP can do except to accept it. BUT for her to lie in your DP face they he is not the same person, does she think your DP is a fool? She can’t be honest at all? . That would be another reason to just not bother with the relationship.

HiJenny35 · 03/10/2017 22:13

None of your business, stay out of it and back whatever decision your oh makes.

Twitchingdog · 03/10/2017 22:57

Hi rock I am sorry for assuming that your DP is man .
At the end of I would not encourage your wife to pick sides .
How is going to feel when her dad get a new partner ban them too.
Family support when you have a child is very important when you have child but you can survive with it . If it your wife that is carrying the child she will want her or miss her mum if she ban her from coming . If it is you is carry the child then it up to you who see it .

MrsCrabbyTree · 04/10/2017 05:28

There is a very wise saying. "Try to please everyone and no is pleased." I think it applies to this situation and I think you should allow your partner and her mother work out their own compromise otherwise you could end up 'the bad guy'.

sukitea · 04/10/2017 06:31

Your MIL is incredibly selfish. As others have said stay out and support your DP's wishes.
All the best Flowers

Maelstrop · 04/10/2017 07:02

He seems overly vested in it all tbh. Is his dad not moving on? Is there some deeper reason he is so upset by their divorce he refuses to meet her partner?

Why is the phrase overinvested used so much on here? It's basically code for you're being unreasonable and should get over yourself. Of course her DP is invested in this, there's obviously a lot of hurt and I'll-feeling, particularly as the mil is persisting in trying to force the new partner on them. Her DP has the right to decide when she sees the new partner.

WhoPoppedMyBalloon · 04/10/2017 08:14

Cancel the invitation. The arrival of your new baby is a special time for you as a couple and a time you need to protect. If your MIL comes it will end up being all about her and what she wants. Maybe when the baby is a few months old and you are in a routine, but sleeplessness, hormones and everything else will make a visit with conflict ten times worse.
For what it's worth, I have been NC with my dad for 10 years because I failed to show the OW he married sufficient 'respect'. So you may have to make a choice at some point whether you are prepared to keep this level of conflict in your lives.

WhoPoppedMyBalloon · 04/10/2017 08:20

To those of you saying that the DP should just accept the new partner and be nice as he has done nothing wrong , I suspect you have not been through the almighty shit storm that happens when parents break up acrimoniously.
My parents (both of them) and the OW behaved in an awful way for years after the split and had no thought at all for the impact on any of the DC. Serious damage gets done in these situations, so being asked to play happy families when you actively hate a person is very hard. The OW will never be welcome in my home after what she did and said during that time. Never.

Skittlesandbeer · 04/10/2017 08:37

Sounds like you'd better get used to the fact that a 'no contact' future with MIL is definitely on the table.

I'm confused you think that this would somehow be soooo horrific for your dh, you or your kid (or other family members)?

She doesn't seem to be a person who can do honesty, loyalty, self-growth, respect or boundaries. Healthy family life without those things? Really??

Cut her loose to live out her definition of love, you build your family unit on something a bit less dramatic and stressful. Sounds like one role-model granny you don't need around.

OnTheRise · 04/10/2017 09:06

I would cancel any invitations to your MIL for the foreseeable future. Enjoy your baby's birth, focus on your lovely little family unit, and do all you can to love and cherish each other for a few weeks or months. Having a new baby is hard work, and does put strain on a relationship if you're not careful.

Then once you're all three of you nicely settled, you can revisit this issue.

I think all you can do is support your partner. Don't try to suggest compromises: that could so easily be interpreted as if you're supporting your MIL instead, which might well cause problems between the two of you. Support, listen, encourage.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It does sound difficult. I hope things improve.

TheDayIBroke · 04/10/2017 09:31

Rock your MIL has been very deceitful by having an affair, causing untold hurt to her DH and your DW. She is selfish and appears to either be oblivious to the hurt she has caused or doesn't care. DW must feel so torn, angry, sad, betrayed and helpless over this. She should not be pressured into meeting this man so MIL can play happy families and ease her guilt (if she feels any). It will never be happy, as DW's dad has been crushed by what she has done, and your DW has also seen his pain. Your MIL and the man have caused this pain, they should have the decency to understand and accept DW's feelings and not ride roughshod over them.

I would be angry with MIL too, because she has hurt my partner - deeply. All you can do is be there for her. FlowersFlowers

emmyrose2000 · 05/10/2017 10:06

Your MIL is revolting excuse for a human being. I'd cancel any invitation to come and visit. She's only going to bring her self centred drama with her if she comes. That's the last thing anyone needs at any time, let alone when they've just had a baby.

If I was in your wife's shoes I'd never have anything to do with my lying, cheating, family destroying "mother" ever again. If your wife chooses that option, you really need to support it 100%

Subtlecheese · 05/10/2017 10:13

Your MIL has already made her position clear. She's not prepared to comprom.ise on what she wants for the sake of her relationship with your DH.
It's her personality I guess. Cheaters are very much closed off to how their actions affect anyone but themselves. They don't want anything but what they want. No giving there. I'd let the MIL drift off as she will not conti i.e. with any effort if she doesn't get her way and DH compromising is going to be hurtful.