It's a MIL one, but bear with me...

[rocktohardplace]

Hi all,

I'm a longtime member (have name changed for this one though), even though I don't post often, so please bear with me!

Very long story short - My DP's parents divorced 4 years ago, and it was extremely messy. MIL had been having an affair for years, had been given chances to end the affair, swore she had, and eventually announced she was leaving FIL. All was done behind their adult children's back, and the usual demands for loyalty were then made, lies told, and a huge amount of inappropriate oversharing happened.

Things sort of calmed down for a while, and through their understandable grief, DP started to try and rebuild their relationship with MIL. When it transpired that she had a new partner, DP tried to be happy for her, but asked for a little time to adjust to the idea. Then it transpired that the new partner was the same guy she'd been having the affair with (despite her swearing over and over again it wasn't). DP then stated clearly that adjustment time and space would definitely be needed, mainly to deal with the anger still felt, and MIL would have to respect the request for space.

Since then, this has been a huge battleground. MIL constantly pushes for DP to meet her new partner, lectures about the "disrespect" being shown to him etc etc. DP consistently tries to explain that this is an emotionally difficult space to navigate and that the request is for time and space to rebuild their relationship, before adding someone else towards whom there is still anger.

Now to the crux - My DP's family live overseas. We are expecting a baby soon. MIL is refusing to visit without her partner. Him just accompanying her wouldn't be an issue for DP, except DP doesn't trust MIL not to spring a 'surprise' meeting to enforce interaction (to make things worse, in their last 'discussion', MIL admitted this is exactly what she wanted to do...).

Both are at an utter impasse, and refusing to budge. It's driving me crackers. WIBU to involve myself to suggest a compromise? - potentially that MIL and her partner come out, not stay with us, and we all play it by ear as to whether a meet up happens (not agree or rule it out)? Apart from anything else, I'm not sure I'll be up to the drama with a newborn, but it is crystal clear to me that this cannot continue.

Anyway, sorry that's so long. Any thoughts/advice would be very gratefully received.

You need to tell to grow put on his big pants and be glad glad his mum is happy and move on and become a great parent himself.

^^ This is the only reasonable course of action IMHO. DP does not get to dictate who his mother may or may not have a relationship with out of a misguided sense of loyalty. Other peoples relationships are no one elses business.

If DP chooses not to see his mother, then so be it. It'll be up to him to explain to the child exactly why there is little in the wauy of extended family and why he is preventing Grandmother and cgrandchild having a relationship.

However, OP, I'd stay well out of it - but remember, how a man treats his mother is generally how he will ultimately treat his wife.

I had a very similar situation with my dad and his now wife at the time girlfriend and before that mistress. I asked for time to adjust but he pushed and pushed a meeting then when I agreed to that it became meet the kids I was an adult living away from home there was no rush so I asked for time he pushed more. Lots of loved ones could see this wasn’t going anywhere good so tried to step in and ‘help’ anyway long story short I was convinced to try a compromise just dad and partners and was blindsided with the whole lot of them! My relationship with my dad is almost non existent now and it was rough with a few family members I felt had pushed to hard for a while too.
My point is that in order for you dp to have an ongoing relationship with her mother she needs to be able to trust her and feel that her mum understands her needs. That can only come from your MiL. So while I know your trying to help and I know your trying to save the relationship, you can’t! It has to come from them. So in the nicest way possible do nothing but carry on being there for your wife and hope that MIL comes round.

So in the nicest way possible do nothing but carry on being there for your wife and hope that MIL comes round.

^ This. Focus on your baby and the special times ahead. I think getting involved will just end up with your DP becoming upset with you for interfering. Just continue to support her and her wishes.

I would make the baby coming the absolute priority and leave the mil visiting until you're more settled into parenthood. Don't let all this drama ruin your special time.

Not sure, but I think your partner is possibly being a bit unreasonable. If she wants a relationship with her mother then at some point she is going to have to accept the man her mother is with, or at least be civil.

On the other hand, I think MIL is being more unreasonable. This is not about her or her partner, it is about her daughter and grandchild, and you of course. She ought to be concerned to do her best to see you all to support you and meet her new grandchild, not trying to use the occasion to force your partner's hand over other issues. I think if she really cared about coming to visit for the right reasons, she would jump at the chance to come without man in tow. So on that basis I would back your partner in saying no visit.

There are maybe two exceptions, one if your MIL is unwell and cannot travel alone, in which case perhaps something could be worked out. Or if you think your partner will be more upset by her mother not being there than by having to meet the man she understandably dislikes, in which case she may need help coming to terms with meeting him. I don't get the impression either of these apply.

I don’t think there is much your DP can do except to accept it

Of course there is. She can NOT accept it.

I don't see why ops dp has to accept it 🤷‍♀️

The mother is trying to force her bloke (who is in the centre of the breakup and heartache caused) onto ops dp. I think the dp has every sodding right not wanting the man around her kids, or her life at all. It'll be difficult with the mother alone let alone being emotionally blackmailed into spending time with a bloke you want nothing to do with - and indeed may cause feelings of disloyalty to ops dps dad.

Op sorry if I made the mistake of referring to your dp in the male sense. I hope you and your dp are feeling better and more able to manage going forward

Cancelling the invitation is unlikely to work by the sound of it. The woman is untrustworthy and a liar therefore may well just turn up at your house regardless with her partner to see your baby. I would be prepared for this if you do cancel the invitation or say it is for her only. Your partner might want to have a blunt but polite speech ready in this instance along the lines of- Hi, we won't be inviting you in. I have explained clearly that this situation is uncomfortable and I need some space to adjust so I am going to have to ask you to leave so I can have that. The partner would have to be very thick skinned to continue- it is possible they are not even aware of your partner's feelings so might be embarrassed when they find out and angry with your ML.

Personally I would just get on and meet them, keeping it brief but polite.

Yes she can make that decision too, but that would mean cut off all contacts. she shouldn’t be telling her mother that she has to live the lifestyle the way she wants it. Yes her mother doesn’t have to take her new partner everywhere BUT the daughter can’t avoid him either if she plans to go visit her mom sometimes.

The only thing I do have a problem is that the mother refuse to see her without her partner and the possibility that she may have lied to her daughter who she is dating (not sure if she was)

This sucks for your DP - what a selfish woman she is. He should tell her, come alone or don't come at all. Clearly she's far more concerned about herself than her child and grandchild. I would NEVER behave this way towards my kids.

Echoing what others have said - support your DP in whatever she decides.

Do NOT try to mediate or broker any compromises. It's not going to help and may do a lot of harm.

Your MIL is being incredibly selfish and is clearly in the wrong, so it's relatively straightforward, but even if your DP was being unreasonable my advice would be the same.

time may well heal this situation if allowed a chance to do so.

Had this with my DH and his DF. FIL died not too long ago and the repercussions of the push for him not accepting his DCs feelings on his new relationship have reverberated over the best part of 2 decades. And can now never be resolved.

Nothing good came of compromise- and I now wish I'd just never spoken up for the middle ground. Let your DW end up NC with her mother if that is the choice your MIL ends up making.

She is saying, I choose my new partner over my DC. I do not think my DC's feelings are as valid as my new partner's feelings.

It's horrible. to all of you.

As mil lives abroad, would your dp be able to talk the om and say when Mum comes to see my family could you please stay away this time I’m need space to sort everything out I’m my own mind?? He actually might be quite willing

The problem with any compromise or interference by others is that’s not what your wife wants! She wants her mum to put her first and do as she asks! That can only come from MIL.

If DP chooses not to see his mother, then so be it. It'll be up to him to explain to the child exactly why there is little in the wauy of extended family and why he is preventing Grandmother and cgrandchild having a relationship

It's the GM that is preventing it.

Lie, have affairs and then force your lies and affair partner onto others? You deep what you sow.

OP continue to support your DP. Please don't go and arrange anything behind her back.

Such a tricky situation- MiL is pushing so she can be validated. TBH I would support your DW in every way possible but not get too involved.

Just wondering if the visit could be MiL stays else where & the first meeting is in a neutral place. If MiL springs OM on you all, then you are free to leave & can make that part of the agreement of seeing her.

I hope you find resolution

What a stressful situation.

I would support my DW in this instance, including by offering myself up as the reason for not inviting her DM at the time of the birth. If my DW needed space from her mum, I'd try to get it for her.

Having said all that, the birth of a DGC can be a very big deal, independently of other stuff going on. Uninviting your MIL would be a serious thing.

Would a conversation between your DW and her mum along the lines of the following bear any fruit: "you're putting me in a very stressful situation. I want you to be here when your DGC is born but I simply can't handle meeting your BF. If you insist on forcing a meeting before I'm ready I'm going to be left with asking you to choose between him and your DGC. I can meet your BF any time, nothing is going to change between now and this time next year. I don't want you to meet DGC when it's a year old. Your choice. You put me in this situation with your choices, so I am offering you a choice of consequences".

Without compromise somewhere I can see MIL and DP having no ongoing relationship
That might actually be a good thing.
MIL sounds like a narc who will keep bullying your dp until she gives in.
Going extremely low contact is the best way for your dp to start reasserting boundaries with mil.
Eventually, if mil persists in her bully behaviour, your dp might just decide to go completely no contact with her.

the heartbreak that would cause doesn't bear thinking about
Neither you nor your dp are responsible for MIL's actions or the repercussion of her actions.
Neither of you should be taking ownership of the shit that mil has caused.

but also that meeting wouldn't necessarily be ruled out either
This isn't your decision to make and you shouldn't be getting in the middle of it.
Maybe your dp secretly doesn't want a relationship with mil?
Or have any more than the bare minimum of interaction with her?
Maybe she doesn't want her dc exposed to this toxic bullying woman?

Your dp does NOT need to make compromises re mil's Other Man.