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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH pissed all over my idea of going to Uni.

55 replies

GandolfBold · 03/10/2017 17:18

AIBU to do it anyway?

I recently signed up for an access course to enable to go to university next year. I want to do a three year degree then a 2 year professional course. At the moment I mix a very part time job with some freelance work and looking after the children and house.

DH is self-employed. He pays me some money a month from the business as I am a partner (and do the books/ some admin/filing etc). I don't really understand how it works but DH is annoyed at me because if I go back to uni I will need to pay off my student loans straight away. He is also upset because I am being secretive about it. He says I should just give up and carry on doing what I am doing because it works for the family.

I have tried explaining that this is what I want to do. Its close to a field I already work in and have spent the last 2 years working towards this. We had very different starts in life, so DH got to go to Uni, set himself up etc and is really successful, while my stuff has taken a back seat.

I want him to see he is being a bit of an arse - AIBU.

OP posts:
CockacidalManiac · 03/10/2017 17:20

if I go back to uni I will need to pay off my student loans straight away.

No you won’t.

He does sound like he’s being an arse.

astrotel · 03/10/2017 17:20

Then he pays you more than £21k a year- if you are not really working or the company that is tax avoidance,

blackteasplease · 03/10/2017 17:21

From what you have said I think Yes he is being an arse.

Would you bring in more money in the long run?

astrotel · 03/10/2017 17:21

Unless it is dividends- not scary?

astrotel · 03/10/2017 17:22

NOT SALARY, nothing scary at all.

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 03/10/2017 17:23

Are you secretive about it as you knew this was his reaction?

He is being an idiot - you don't need to pay back the money straight away, and surely it is better money for the family in the long run? Not to mention better for you and your happiness and fulfilment. What a bugger that he can't support you. If we could afford it, I would do it anyways.

DJBaggySmalls · 03/10/2017 17:25

You arent being secretive, he is - the business is your families income, its how you get paid and you dont know anything about it.
My guess is the reason he is panicking is because you'll need to know about your family income when you apply for loans.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/10/2017 17:25

We had very different starts in life, so DH got to go to Uni, set himself up etc and is really successful, while my stuff has taken a back seat. And it sounds like this suits him very well. What actually happens when you talk to him about it? Is it practical stuff (which can be sorted) or is he fundamentally opposed to you having any ambitions not pre-approved by his Maj?

CockacidalManiac · 03/10/2017 17:26

I don't really understand how it works

I think you should find out. I’ve got a feeling that you’re going to need to know at some point.

ghostyslovesheets · 03/10/2017 17:27

the most you will pay if you earn around £25K is 9% more tax a month - you never have to pay them all back

they aren't loans it's really a graduate tax

LonginesPrime · 03/10/2017 17:29

I don't really understand how it works but DH is annoyed at me

Do you not understand how the student loan system works, or do you not understand how the finances from DH's business works?

Has he explained to you what the financial implications of your being a full-time student are for his business and the money he's paying you?

I might be barking up the wrong tree here, but it sounds like he might be trying to dissuade you because of how he runs the finances of his business, but he doesn't want to explain them to you (despite your being a partner!).

InappropriateGavels · 03/10/2017 17:29

Ugh, my ex bullied me out of my degree after I'd already started it. Told me I wasn't smart enough, no-one would want to employ me anyway, why would I bother wasting my time, it was pointless, blah blah blah. In his opinion I should have just carried on working for him instead of doing anything for myself or anything to better myself.

Sound familiar?

Don't stand for it. That was the start of me realising just how controlling and emotionally abusive he was becoming. We've now been divorced for over five years.

Also, what others have been saying about how you don't pay back student loans until you're earning £21k is correct, and it's also not until after you graduate:
www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/repaying-student-loans

AugustRose · 03/10/2017 17:39

As others have said you don't pay back student loans until you earn £21K (increasing to £25K apparently but I don't know when). You say he pays you some money a month but if you are also a partner, what share of the partnership is in your name. Eg DH and me have an equal 50/50 share. It depends on how much he pays you as a salary and how much he claims you get as profit from the business. Could that be over £21K a year?

If not then is sounds like he is trying to put you off for his own reasons.

BewareOfDragons · 03/10/2017 17:44

Your DH is being selfish. You have a right to better yourself and want more if it can be managed, especially if it will benefit you and your DC (and DH if you keep him) in the long run.

Good luck with the degree, OP. Tell your DH it's not up for discussion if he can't pull his head out of his ass.

What if he were to die suddenly? What if you were to split up? What if his business fails? Better job prospects for you make sense.

Topseyt · 03/10/2017 17:45

So, I take it DH pays you a salary from his business of at least £21k a year then?

If not then he is talking bollocks. Go for the degree if that is what you really want to do.

guilty100 · 03/10/2017 17:47

You have a right to self-determination, and that means a right to do a career that makes you happy and fulfils you - this is important. Even if you earn more than £21k a year from the business, the amount you'll be paying off will be negligible in relation to your earnings. It's really more like a tax than a debt.

I am a bit disturbed by his reaction and this stuff about you not knowing how the company finances work. It sounds a bit dodge, to be honest. Are you sure his accounts are above board?

GwenStaceyRocks · 03/10/2017 17:51

He could be a controlling arse but he may not be.
Arrange a meeting with you, your DH and your company accountant. Explain what you want to do and you can all discuss the tax and financial implications.
Your DH could be right that it will impact family finances. Or he could be trying to keep you at home. Until you sit down with the accountant, you don't know which is true.
Myself and DH share a business. I wouldn't go off to do something new without discussing it with him and our accountant so I was aware of all the financial implications and could decide the best way to manage any changes.

Graphista · 03/10/2017 17:52

Don't listen to what this arse says find out for yourself re student loans but as pp said you don't have to pay it all back at once its more like a tax.

Also I really hope you're not allowing yourself to be a named partner in a business which you don't know how it's run! You could be liable for all sorts of dodginess!!

Personally - my getting a place at uni and telling ex was first big indication I had my marriage was over. He didn't congratulate me instead he looked incredibly disappointed.

As I say he's an ex (he was cheating too) plus I now think it was because he knew it would mean he'd have to be home more and pull his weight. I was a sahm at the time (his preference) and was doing EVERYTHING.

I don't think he's concerned about you, it's because it doesn't suit HIM.

XiCi · 03/10/2017 17:53

It looks like he's trying to dissuade you because of the tax implications for his business. You say that you do the books for him but then say you don't know how it works, how is that? In any case he is being an incredibly selfish arsehole

Loopytiles · 03/10/2017 17:54

You have legal and financial responsibilities as a partner in the business: you need to understand what’s going on or cease to be a partner.

Yanbu to want to earn more, and be financially independent, but is 5 years study without the support of your partner, getting into debt, the best way to do it? A paid job with the hope of progression might be a safer and better plan.

Woolyheads · 03/10/2017 17:56

This may not be you but,

I had a controlling partner.
I wanted to go to uni.
He wanted to stop me.
I lied and told him it was a job I was applying for when I got an interview.
I got the place.
And now I am a qualified professional.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/10/2017 17:56

You haven't said, but if he will have t support you financially to do this, then he does get a say in it.

Original poster
GandolfBold · 03/10/2017 17:56

I know it's only a small percentage to pay back. I know how student loans work, what DH means is that I will need to start paying straight away. I am paid dividenda crom the company, although i dont see them as such. They are paid into our joint account and I get a small 'wage.

I am paying for my access course, but didn't tell DH about it, which is why he thinks I am being secretive.

I think it's just an excuse. He doesn't want to step up. I am bored and a bit lonely and want to actually have a career. Our youngest DC is 9, I am only 34 and have a long while to work yet. Our middle DC has severe SN so that is a consideration but one that I always have to take alone.

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 03/10/2017 17:58

Do it, you are young - don’t settle!
Yes DH will have to step but why shouldn’t he?

Loopytiles · 03/10/2017 18:01

I think it could be very, very hard to complete such a long programme of study with a business (you’re a partner and therefore need to be actively informed) and DC, including one with SN, without full, active support from your partner.

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