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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH pissed all over my idea of going to Uni.

55 replies

GandolfBold · 03/10/2017 17:18

AIBU to do it anyway?

I recently signed up for an access course to enable to go to university next year. I want to do a three year degree then a 2 year professional course. At the moment I mix a very part time job with some freelance work and looking after the children and house.

DH is self-employed. He pays me some money a month from the business as I am a partner (and do the books/ some admin/filing etc). I don't really understand how it works but DH is annoyed at me because if I go back to uni I will need to pay off my student loans straight away. He is also upset because I am being secretive about it. He says I should just give up and carry on doing what I am doing because it works for the family.

I have tried explaining that this is what I want to do. Its close to a field I already work in and have spent the last 2 years working towards this. We had very different starts in life, so DH got to go to Uni, set himself up etc and is really successful, while my stuff has taken a back seat.

I want him to see he is being a bit of an arse - AIBU.

OP posts:
GwenStaceyRocks · 03/10/2017 18:01

Well, you were being secretive about it. The question is 'why?' Were you secretive because you thought he would try to dissuade you?
How have you got to a place where you're signing up to courses in secret? As a family, you'll need to discuss how you manage childcare, finances, etc, so the secrecy wasn't sustainable.

Allthebestnamesareused · 03/10/2017 18:35

You do not get a small wage if he says you'll be paying back straightaway.

You might receive a small amount but this means he is keeping the difference for himself if you are not seeing over £21k a year!

If the job you are performing is not worth £21K then it is tax avoidance. He is probably pissed off that if you are registered as a full time student then it may be discovered that this is what he is doing!

HolidayHelpPlease · 03/10/2017 19:29

Just putting it out there that when I earn £24k my loan repayments were £30ish a month - now I’m in the mid £30k range and it’s £80 a month (I was 9k fees) it’s not a huge amount each month

fantasmasgoria1 · 03/10/2017 19:41

Do it and don’t let him stop you! My stbxh wanted to stop me so I would stay worked my and continue to pay so he could stay at
Home getting drunk and sleeping half the day! I did it and he is now ex h!

RandomMess · 03/10/2017 19:52

So he just wants you stuck at home doing all the wifework and financially dependent on him Angry

Appuskidu · 03/10/2017 20:26

What's the professional training-just out of interest!

Do you have any idea why he's being so negative?

Hurtandfrustrated · 03/10/2017 20:32

Increasingly sounding like he's doing something dodgy which as you are a named partner regardless of uni issue you MUST find out what.

Toadinthehole · 03/10/2017 20:48

As others have said, the fact that you're a partner in a business that you don't really understand is .... interesting. I think you should do something about that.

Other than that, it really depends on what you want to do. What's the course? To put it really bluntly, if it's a course that leads to a career where there is a severe shortage of people and your earnings will make the family richer, then I don't think he's being reasonable. If on the other hand, you want to take out a large loan and spend five years of your life taking a course that you're likely to fail or which leads to lousy pay then I can totally see his point.

I think we all have a responsibility not to get in the way of our partners' dreams. By the same token, if you want to undertake study, ask yourself if you'd be happy if your partner did the same thing and ask yourself how the bills would be paid first.

Calic0 · 03/10/2017 21:06

(Puts on pedant head) if you receive dividends then I assume you mean that your DH is the director of his own limited company as opposed to self employed. And if you receive dividends then you are a shareholder and possibly a director too which means it would be worth your while making sure that you understand the workings of the company.

That aside, it sounds like you need to have a proper discussion about what doing this degree means for your family in both the short and medium term - childcare costs and loss of current earnings versus earning potential. If the household can support it, then yes, he is being unreasonable, but perhaps he has genuine concerns that you (as a team,) can't at the moment, in which case have you considered alternative entry routes to this career area? Is there any way in as a non graduate? Five years of study is a long time if you're not earning at all for the duration.

LuckLuckLUCK · 03/10/2017 21:11

It is very difficult to go back to uni with an unsupportive partner.

An unsupportive partner isn't someone you wan to be with anyway, is it?

Someone who loves you would encourage you in this.

Laura2018 · 03/10/2017 21:12

He is being a massive sexist, controlling man! My sisters ex kicked up a fuss when she went to uni, even said she was a bad mum! Tell him to sort head out, you do not need your husbands permission. This is your life.

Appuskidu · 03/10/2017 21:15

Other than that, it really depends on what you want to do. What's the course? To put it really bluntly, if it's a course that leads to a career where there is a severe shortage of people and your earnings will make the family richer, then I don't think he's being reasonable. If on the other hand, you want to take out a large loan and spend five years of your life taking a course that you're likely to fail or which leads to lousy pay then I can totally see his point

Yes-that's the real crux of it, I think-what's the course?

ParkRunning · 03/10/2017 21:18

The amounts you pay back are tiny and are only once you earn £21k. Something about the situation or what he’s telling you doesn’t add up. Apply for uni!!!!!

Original poster
GandolfBold · 03/10/2017 21:38

It's a degree in SEND and then a social work masters. I am doing it that way so that DD will be in secondary when I start the masters.

Yes, he is a director of his own company as am I.

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 03/10/2017 21:40

Have you actually listened to what his concerns are?
And there's a trust issue if you've gone behind his back so far.

I think it'd be worth you having a basic understanding of your partner/director situation and then discussing how you can make things work if you go to uni.

Original poster
GandolfBold · 03/10/2017 21:40

I was being secretive, only because i wanted to avoid an arguement thag o dont want to have right now. I thought that if I had passed my access by then I am in a stronger position.

OP posts:
Original poster
GandolfBold · 03/10/2017 21:42

I have listened to his concerns. They are that he feela it wont benefit our family,and that outweighs the benefit to me.

It also is an issue of money. That is the route of most things with DH.

OP posts:
TheCometAndLittleLegend · 03/10/2017 21:45

Honestly?

If my DH signed himself up to an access course with a view to go on to learning and training for another 5 years without discussing these plans with me when we ran a business together and he looked after the children I'd think that was really weird. In a normal family dynamic such big steps are normally discussed and agreed upfront, time commitments, finances, childcare etc.

I am not saying for one minute that you shouldn't do it, but I can see why he is pissed off and come off defensively. I am amazed there are so many responses calling him fit to burn, when IMO from what you posted, you have handled this oddly .

C0untDucku1a · 03/10/2017 21:46

You want to be a social worker?

Sounds like tax avoidance and financial control...

elevenclips · 03/10/2017 21:49

I'm on the fence here. It's seems like access+univ+professional comes to a total of 6 years. That is a long time to spend on unpaid stuff when you have 3 kids to look after/pay for etc.

If it was shorter then I'd be far more inclined to agree with you that it'd be well worth it.

Oldie2017 · 03/10/2017 21:50

Tax avoidance is sensbile and perfectly lawful (it is evasion which is illegal). However I don't see why you should not pay your loans back! We full time working women who pay loads of 40%+ tax are funding your degree so why shouldn't you and yoru family pay that back when it is due to be paid back. It's only fair you do pay it back.

He is just using it as an excuse anyway. If you earned say £40k a year from his business so you and he pay less tax between you and you are paid that under PAYE as wages then I think you pay 9% of the band between about £21k and £40 whch iis about £1710 a year of the loan and interest as your repayment. That's not a huge sum compared with the very large sum the state makes available by way of loan to you.

Original poster
GandolfBold · 03/10/2017 21:53

It wouldn't be unpaid. I would work for the next 4.

I wouldn't not pay my loans back. It was a way of.putting me off. I wouldn't not pay them if I did take them out.

OP posts:
BanjoStarz · 03/10/2017 22:10

I'm still not straight on why you or DH think you would start paying the loans back straight away.

You don't pay them back till you've graduated and are earning over £21,000 a year (at the moment) whether that £21,000 comes from dividends or social worker salary it surely shouldn't matter - you'd have to pay them back?

SLC don't take them out of any wages whilst your studying.

Original poster
GandolfBold · 03/10/2017 22:13

Straight away once I have finished, I.e no deferral which DH did when he first started working.

OP posts:
llangennith · 03/10/2017 22:15

Speak to your and husband's Company accountant about how to deal with dividends. Paying each of you a dividend reduces the company's tax bill.