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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"Bye bye doggy" DP said this to DD

65 replies

supersop60 · 02/10/2017 21:33

I am seething. My DD has had MH problems, managed to get her GCSEs, with the help of a dog (have posted about that before). Started college 4 weeks ago, and is now wanting to give up. She didn't go in today, and DP saw her walking into town, followed her and confronted her in the street. She said he was shouting, he said he wasn't. She tried to tell him she didn't want to talk to him, and to walk away. He said in a loud voice: "Bye bye doggy".
I think this was cruel. I'm posting this while I calm down and decide what to say to him. Later this afternoon he went and bought a dog bed - now I'm thinking it's his way of apologising. Hmm.

OP posts:

Anecdoche · 02/10/2017 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

supersop60 · 02/10/2017 21:44

Not exactly bunking off. We knew at 7.30 that she wasn't going in. She wanted to go into town in the afternoon to avoid her father. Unfortunately he saw her. She ended up hiding in the toilets of a cafe until I went to pick her up.
She had the dog to help her with MH issues.

OP posts:

Sayyouwill · 02/10/2017 21:49

Well that is bunking off. She was scheduled to be there but chose not to for no valid reason other than just not wanting to.
And it sounds like you knew about his but your husband didn't? Why not? Why did she want to hide from him?

FenceSitter01 · 02/10/2017 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Expemsiveuniform · 02/10/2017 21:55

If we knew does that we not include her father?

RonSwansonsMoustache · 02/10/2017 21:59

She was still bunking off. I'm not surprised he was pissed off.

CosmicPineapple · 02/10/2017 22:05

You should have told him she was missing college.
Not really getting the doggy thing is there a back story? Is he abusive hence why you did not tell him?

Smartiepants79 · 02/10/2017 22:07

Did you hear him say that? Or is this what she's told you?
None of you seem to have handled this brilliantly.
He appears to be aware that he spoke without thinking and is attempting to make it right. If I was him I would have been angry and also frustrated (sad/upset?) that my daughter is slipping back into old, self-destructive patterns.
Why doesn't she want to go anymore?

StaplesCorner · 02/10/2017 22:10

Wow. He sounds like an arsehole. And some of these opinions here are astounding. This is a 16 year old girl, she's clearly unhappy and not coping. Only OP knows what her MH issues are and if a dog was bought or adopted to help her then the DP can't spitefully threaten to take it away.

Missing college for any reason does not warrant having a beloved pet removed from the house. I'm astounded that people are supporting the poor DP. Wow I mean he had a really tough time didn't he ...

Etymology23 · 02/10/2017 22:12

Is not going in because you can't face it bunking off? I'm not convinced it is.

I definitely had days off during school for that reason. I also didn't do that during university and my health suffered much more because of it. (And my grades were better at school!)

Obviously we don't know what's happening but I wouldn't say the "bunking off" is clear cut, to me.

NearLifeExperience · 02/10/2017 22:12

I'm a bit at these responses. MH issues very much ARE a good reason to not attend work or school. It's just as much of an illness as a physical illness. Being ill is not "bunking off"!
I too have a daughter who had terrible MH problems as a teen (was also helped by a dog!) and some days she couldn't attend school and then college, and then uni.

Your DP was being cruel and thoughtless, OP, but the new bed suggests he's feeling very contrite. I hope this was a one off mistake from him and he'll feel bad enough to not do anything like it again.

StaplesCorner · 02/10/2017 22:13

Op you have posted about this before, you have a serious problem with this man. Is her actual father? He seems to be abusive does he treat you like this too -maybe we should have an overview of the back story?

Madbum · 02/10/2017 22:15

So feeling unwell with your known mental health issues is not an excuse to stay off college? Nice dismissive attitudes about mental illness there people

Are there existing issues with her Dad? It was cruel of him to say that. Why did he follow her? Had you both avoided telling him about her absence because you know he’d react angrily? Is he usually unsupportive of her mental health issues?

Smartiepants79 · 02/10/2017 22:16

But he hasn't actually removed the pet has he? In the midst of an arguement he made a foolish comment which appears to already have been regretted and is trying to make ammends.
Clearly an apology and reassurance is required but he was lied to about her whereabouts.
It's impossible to tell from what we've been told if he's an 'arsehole' or not. If there is a history here then fine but we don't know anything much.

Robots1Humans0 · 02/10/2017 22:21

Cannot believe some of responses on here - she is not mugging OP's DP off, or bunking off. She is unable to attend due to MH problems - H is for health if you didn't realise! OP I would be furious at DP-he may have caused some real damage there, hope you are not suffering the fall out tonight

Italiangreyhound · 02/10/2017 22:23

Your poor dd. How awful. Can you get to the bottom of why she doesn't want o go in?

gillybeanz · 02/10/2017 22:26

I think you and her dad need to be together on parenting, has it always been like this.

No, of course he shouldn't have threatened this, but somebody helping someone with mh illness would know this.
Has he been supportive in her treatment?
It sounds like the dog helped her a lot, can she see somebody at college about not being able to face going in?

Willow2017 · 02/10/2017 22:26

I would presume from op saying "We knew at 7.30" that dp did know she wasn't going to college do why follow her and shout at her in the street? How did he think that was going to help her feel better?

I think a chat about managing your dd' s mh issues is needed. She needs support and encouragement not humiliation in the street.

NearLifeExperience · 02/10/2017 22:26

Well that is bunking off. She was scheduled to be there but chose not to for no valid reason other than just not wanting to

Did you read the bit about the DDs mental health, Sayyouwill?

MH issues are not an excuse to mug off your DP, so stop facilitating such poor behaviour and excusing it

Mental illness is NOT bad behaviour.

Some dangerously ignorant and fucking stupid comments on here.

Lunde · 02/10/2017 22:28

Some really horrid attitudes to MH problems on here

your daughter has significant MH problems and has struggled to stay in school
she managed to get GCSEs with a dog who helped improve her MH and is now at college
today she felt mentally unwell and was unable to go in today but was scared to stay in the house with your DP (because of his unhelpful attitude?)
DP found her in town and started to taunt this girl with MH problems that he would be getting rid of the dog
DD ended up distressed in a public toilet and had to be collected

Sorry but your DH is behaving horribly to taunt her like this and threaten her dog it will lead to a MH relapse is he continues to bully her about her MH. Does he understand her MH problems? he is acting as so she should just "pull herself together" when unwell.

I would not be happy with this - it is not easy for kids with MH issues to stay in education and coercing her when she is unwell is not the way to behave. What does your DP say? Does he accept that he was wrong?

nocoolnamesleft · 02/10/2017 22:34

Um. If she cannot face going in because of her MH issues, then that is no more bunking off than if she had a chest infection and felt too ill to go in.

Can we please recognise mental health problems as having the same validity as physical health problems?

Lunde · 02/10/2017 22:43

Some terrible disabalist comments on this thread. If dd is too ill to go in because of MH problems and/or mental illness she is not "bunking-off" as many ill informed posters write but was on sick leave as much as if she had a physical illness.

As it was clear that she was too ill to go in at 7,30 - I'm sure she was reported sick. So again not bunking off.

The comments from some pps show the real problems that people with serious MH issues face when their illness is minimised by people around them like the DP and some posters on this thread.

BabsGanoush · 02/10/2017 22:45

To be fair to the DP, we don't know why the DD didn't attend college,

We know she has MH issues and at 7.30 was not going to college, as she wanted to go to town instead.

We also don't know the affects the MH is having on the family so it's unfair to call the DP an arse.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 02/10/2017 22:46

We don’t know she was off sick for any MH reasons though.

You can have a mental illness and bunk off school.

StaplesCorner · 02/10/2017 22:49

No, any man who follows a 16 year old and taunts her about removing her pet is an arse. If that man is her father who is meant to love and care for her, that makes him even more of an arse. And if that girl has MH issues then that man is a prize arse.

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