Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Bye bye doggy" DP said this to DD

65 replies

supersop60 · 02/10/2017 21:33

I am seething. My DD has had MH problems, managed to get her GCSEs, with the help of a dog (have posted about that before). Started college 4 weeks ago, and is now wanting to give up. She didn't go in today, and DP saw her walking into town, followed her and confronted her in the street. She said he was shouting, he said he wasn't. She tried to tell him she didn't want to talk to him, and to walk away. He said in a loud voice: "Bye bye doggy".
I think this was cruel. I'm posting this while I calm down and decide what to say to him. Later this afternoon he went and bought a dog bed - now I'm thinking it's his way of apologising. Hmm.

OP posts:
DancingLedge · 02/10/2017 22:49

Sorry you've had such appalling responses here, OP.

No useful advice, but my heart goes out to you. DC with MH issues, ime it's an agonising almost daily issue- push them to keep on going to education, and not drop out, or agonise that you may be pushing them too hard.
I also got a dog largely for a DC, as a comfort blanket, and to encourage/enforce exercise.
If DH had said that, I honestly would have felt like thumping him. He needs to hear just how potentially devastating, and therefore cruel it was. I guess he also probably needs to be heard, as to how he's doing emotionally, because , assuming he's a half decent human being, he must have been struggling with his own emotions to come out with this shit. Then he needs to hear, you're a grown up, you get to exercise self control.
Unless of course he isn't a half decent one, in which case shed him quick.

Most of all he needs to apologise to DC.

And if DC can't handle college,it may not be end of world. 2 I know have dropped out, done very little for a year, then dropped in again. Both now at Uni.
Hope things look up .

StaplesCorner · 02/10/2017 22:51

I've seen OP's previous threads so I feel unless the OP comes back and tells the rest of you a bit more about what's happening, then I am going to keep on with the arses whilst others say "poor DP". Trust me, he is an arse. Although dancing above has put it much more eloquently.

NearLifeExperience · 02/10/2017 22:53

To be fair to the DP, we don't know why the DD didn't attend college

We don’t know she was off sick for any MH reasons though

I feel the breeze of furious backpedaling here Hmm.

Why would you assume that it WASN'T the MH issues, and that she had no excuse, despite what OP said, RonSwanson?

And various posters actually said, explicitly said, that MH issues are no excuse.

KityGlitr · 02/10/2017 22:56

I read it as him saying bye the dog and not your daughter, kinda sarcastically, by doing so he excluded her from the goodbye. Quite petty but understandable if he was frustrated. Yes he would apologise to her ideally but I'm not ready to jump on castigating him for a comment, when I don't know what he's been having to deal with at home due her mh difficulties.

Doesn't sound like he meant 'bye bye doggy from the family home' just 'bye dog see you later'

Sayyouwill · 02/10/2017 23:01

Did you read the bit about the DDs mental health, Sayyouwill?

No I caught that.
But we have no idea whether her mental health is connected to why she bunked off school and it's quite offensive that you have assumed it is! It's quite offensive to automatically treat people with MH conditions as if they are above the rules. We're not all invalids! You can have MH issues and still bunk off school ffs.
She didn't go into college and OP does state that she wanted to go into town. To me that reads as if she wanted to go into town instead of college. That's not a valid reason to not go into college.

NearLifeExperience · 02/10/2017 23:08

You actually said she had "no valid reason" Sayyouwill No valid reason. So MH issues, are, to you, no valid reason if that was the reason for her absense? Or did YOU assume that they weren't?

I didn't actually assume the mh issues were the reason, I merely objected to those who who claimed they were no excuse to be off school.

Ellie56 · 02/10/2017 23:08

The ignorance of mental health issues on here is unbelievable. Hmm Shock

Tantpoke · 02/10/2017 23:13

OP I think you know deep down what action you should be taking to no doubt lessen your DD MH issues considerably.

NearLifeExperience · 02/10/2017 23:14

But we have no idea whether her mental health is connected to why she bunked off school and it's quite offensive that you have assumed it is! It's quite offensive to automatically treat people with MH conditions as if they are above the rules

I did nothing of the sort. I merely asserted that MH conditions can be good reason to be off school, just as much as other illnesses. Nothing to do with "the rules" Hmm

DancingLedge · 02/10/2017 23:16

Yes, I would echo that.
The ignorance of MH issues. The offensive positions taken.
Let's try some other ones- diabetes, that's no reason to bunk off. Days off when you've got cancer - you slacker.
All three of these health issues are real, and can be fatal.

Sistersofmercy101 · 02/10/2017 23:25

I'm sorry that your DD feeling unwell was taunted and harassed by her father in this manner.
Totally, utterly awful behaviour by a grown adult who is supposed to have a caring responsibility for a child / young adult.
Is this a consistent response from your DH towards DDs mh difficulties? The attitude shown is troubling in regards especially to the DDs vulnerability?
Congratulations and well done to DD for doing well in school exams and getting to college! Good luck 🍀

Willow2017 · 02/10/2017 23:39

Say
OP said
We knew at 7.30 that she wasn't going in. She wanted to go into town in the afternoon to avoid her father.

Its not saying she didnt want to go to college as she wanted to go to town, she had a reason for going into town.

Original poster
supersop60 · 02/10/2017 23:50

Interesting and varied replies. Hmm
My DD really struggled with yr 11 and getting the dog was a) an incentive and b) a comfort. We thought she had turned a corner when she found a course she would like and had a glimpse of a positive future. The black mist has descended again and she cannot face going in to college. Anyone who has been through this will know that she is not a bit fed up/flaky/lazy or anything else.
My 'D'P unfortunately is one of those who thinks she's a giver-upper and not trying etc, and he really doesn't get it.
Yes, WE both knew she was not going into college this morning. DD knew her dad was coming home at lunchtime and couldn't face the barrage . As it turned out, she got it in public instead.
he and I had a long talk this evening where I tried AGAIN to explain that she is ill, and her feeling better after GCSEs was precisely because she didn't have to go to school. She has started college and all the old feelings are coming back.
The saddest part this evening was when I said - "she's your little girl and she just wants you to love her"
His reply "I'm trying".
Arse.
There's more to say, but I'll save it for the therapist.
Anyone of you who has not experienced mental health issues - be glad.

OP posts:
Original poster
supersop60 · 02/10/2017 23:51

Oh, and tantpoke - yes.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 02/10/2017 23:59

OP I am so sorry. This sounds so hard.

My dd has some mental health issues, younger than your dd, and probably not as sever as your dd. It is very hard.

Your husband seems to have acted very badly.

The new laws about staying on at school post 16 don't seem to take into account children who really do struggle with school. I know my dd is already desperate to leave and I've no idea what she may do. People say oh she may change and like school in the end!

All the best. Thanks

StaplesCorner · 03/10/2017 00:08

OP I am glad we are agreed on the arse bit, but so sorry you and your DD are going through this. I feel your DP is part of the problem; in fact he might be a big part of the problem. I hope that seeing the therapist is helping.

I wonder if seeing a solicitor might be a good move too Sad

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/10/2017 00:41

He sounds like a wanker.

Does he think he's giving her "tough love" which will "help snap her out of it"?

If so, he needs to understand that it will do no such thing and quickly or risk damaging his relationship with his daughter forever. It won't necessarily be an acrimonious thing but it will be damaged nevertheless.

I hope your daughter recovers as best she can from her MH issues, I'm sure having you in her corner will be a massive help and comfort.

Flowers for you op. I have a very young child but was a teen with MH issues once and dread the same happening to my child. The thought of her feeling as I once did makes me feel sick. I can tell you know that your approach is better than than 'tough love', which I resent to this day.

NearLifeExperience · 03/10/2017 00:45

I am so sorry to read your update, OP. It's worse than just the dog thing, isn't it? By 'it' I mean your DPs attitude. "I'm trying" FFS.

Whatever her actions or behaviour, whatever she says, your DD needs to know that she is loved and supported by her parents. It's these positive constants that can help so much. Certainly helped our DD when she was ill. Your DP's actions are keeping your DD down. Is he attending the therapy sessions too?

kateandme · 03/10/2017 01:03

So sorry op.ur right she needs the most patient love right now.one that can bend and not snap,be pulled and not torn be beaten against and not break.and that's tough!but doable if ur get the mindset of how much Dr is suffering herself.
Is there a hp who could sign her off.or would more apprenticeship type roll ease her even on part time basis.
To have one of the "lights" taken away from mh sufferer can be devastating and from then on she won't forget this fear like well people either.itl cling and spiral into what ifs regarding her beloved dog.ur dp needs t be very careful.

wheresthel1ght · 03/10/2017 08:19

As a sufferer of mh issues I find some of the responses here horrific!

To look at me or see me on the school run. You wouldn't know I was ill, you would wonder why I was signed off work for the last 5 weeks. However, what you don't see is the fear and heart palpitations at having to leave the house, the huge dose of anti anxiety meds and diazepam I have to take daily just to function, or the tears when I get home because I found it so bloody hard to paint on the happy face.

OP, for the sake of your dd you need to enlist your dp in some sort of awareness course, might been worth speaking to your GP.

Is you dd under care of your local mh team? The college should be able to help you access this or again your GP.

Hope your dd is feeling more able with college soon. Are they aware of the issue? Could they offer some adaptation to help her attend/study

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 03/10/2017 08:23

Is college the right choice for her? Maybe an apprenticeship or work would be better for her MH?

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 03/10/2017 08:33

I agree with Vivienne maybe the course isn't for her? Many 16 year olds change courses in the early days. It's really common to want to do this, does she need to speak to someone at college?

Regarding your partner, he is being a twat, but it sounds like he is sorry for what he said, as he went and bought a new bed. I think he needs to do a bit of reading or talk to someone (it might be you) about what MH issues really mean.

My own dd had similar problems as her best friend died when they were 17. I did have to do rather a lot of educating with dh, as he really did not have a clue.

BitOfANameChange · 03/10/2017 08:37

OP, I recently left my ex, and some of what you write about your DH is resonating. DAD is suffering from anxiety and depression and is panicking at the thought of going into college. For a course she has very much wanted to do.

Fingers crossed she goes in tomorrow, but I'm convinced it's ex's behaviour that made DD's problems far, far worse than they might ever have been otherwise.

OP, I'm not saying LTB, but you do need to take a good, hard look at your DH, and his behaviour with ALL of you in the family. Including you. I swallowed up shitty behaviour for far too long, telling myself it was ok. I look back and realise it wasn't ok, at all.

BitOfANameChange · 03/10/2017 08:37

DD, not dad...

LIZS · 03/10/2017 08:40

. It may have been his clumsy way of trying to encourage her. Mh is often misunderstood. She is apparently well enough to head into town but not college.

You may find that college will be in touch this week re, attendance as they need to confirm funding stats. If she hasn't been going they may withdraw the place. Is there anyone supporting her at college she could speak to , student counsellor or SENco?