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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"Bye bye doggy" DP said this to DD

65 replies

supersop60 · 02/10/2017 21:33

I am seething. My DD has had MH problems, managed to get her GCSEs, with the help of a dog (have posted about that before). Started college 4 weeks ago, and is now wanting to give up. She didn't go in today, and DP saw her walking into town, followed her and confronted her in the street. She said he was shouting, he said he wasn't. She tried to tell him she didn't want to talk to him, and to walk away. He said in a loud voice: "Bye bye doggy".
I think this was cruel. I'm posting this while I calm down and decide what to say to him. Later this afternoon he went and bought a dog bed - now I'm thinking it's his way of apologising. Hmm.

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 03/10/2017 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Willow2017 · 03/10/2017 09:00

Kids
She went into town to keep away from her dad! That says a lot.
Threatening to take away her dog which has been a lifeline to her is quite the opposite of 'encouraging'.

Willow2017 · 03/10/2017 09:01

Lizs not kids stupid auto correct.

TheEternalForever · 03/10/2017 09:04

You really should have told your DP. Does he not understand about MH? A lot of people don't. Can you get a counsellor or someone in the know to explain your DD's problems to him, so he has more of an idea? I imagine his anger was because he didn't know you allowed her to stay home today and so was angry because he thought she'd lied to you both and pretended to go in but instead was just mooching around town? If she had told both of you that she couldn't go in because of her MH then he wouldn't have been surprised to see her.

I am NOT saying that that excuses his words. It's inexcusable to threaten the wellbeing or home of a living creature as some form of punishment. The dog is a part of the family, it lives with you, you chose to take it on and take responsibility for it and you all have a duty towards it, he cannot just threaten to get rid whenever someone does something he thinks is bad.

Does your DD feel this way about college often? Was it just this one day or is she frequently staying off? Each day you miss puts you behind in your classes and it can be hard to catch up if you're continually missing classes. That won't help her MH. Is it the academic side she struggles with? Can she not do something different? Like an apprenticeship for example, that will keep her out of the classroom 3/4 days a week? Or is she likely to also struggle with that and not turn up to the job aspect? Perhaps she needs a year to try and get some help and get herself in a better place, and she can think about going back to college next year when she's more stable and more able to deal with her MH? Can she get a couple of shifts a week at a cafe/pub/shop or something so she doesn't have the pressure of having to go every single day? Or even doing college part time so she doesn't have to go everyday. If she can work out what exactly it is she's struggling with she might be able to work out what she can do to help herself get into a better place with it.

Willow2017 · 03/10/2017 09:09

TheEternal
Told her dp what? He knew at 7.30 that his dd couldn't face going into college. Yet he humiliated her in public and threatened to get rid of her dog
Nice dad.

TheEternalForever · 03/10/2017 09:13

Yes my apologies, when I clicked next it skipped the second page so I didn't see OP's reply. I still thought that they just hadn't told the dad. I still maintain that maybe getting a counsellor or a professional to speak to the DP about DD's specific MH problems. Do you do some kind of family counselling? Maybe a few sessions would be useful so that your DD can explain how she's feeling etc and your DP can listen in an environment where people can explain it to him.

And I also said that it doesn't excuse threatening a living creature, regardless of whether he knew where she was or not.

justmatureenough2bdad · 03/10/2017 09:56

i don't think your DP has handled the situation massively well, but it would seem you are only taking DD's version of events as true... maybe if you and DH approached in a more collaborative manner, there wouldn't be this playing off of each other that seems to exist.

Also, i think it's just as ignorant of "MH issues" to assume, as many here appear to be doing, that there is only one solution/approach to addressing MH issues...maybe your softly softly approach isn't working...maybe DD avoids DH because she knows that he will challenge some of her behaviour which she doesn't like because you facilitate her...

It totally get pp's comment about bunking off...have the MH issues become a convenient excuse when she doesn't feel like school?? we don't know....but it seems that you allow it and DH maybe isn't so comfortable with that...at some point you need to decide on the joint approach and that's never going to happen for as long as you are adamant that your way is the right way!

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 03/10/2017 10:08

Bringing in another thread on the go, the one where the boy in the shop called the shop staff a C**t and the mother said 'oh its because he's autistic' and everyone has piled in to say that autism doesnt cause rudeness. I'm not understanding why this thread is 'disablist' because MH issues doesnt cause lying.

I think people are child like and learn a new word that rolls off the tongue and they apply it to situations. Disablist being one of those words.

kateandme · 03/10/2017 10:17

but often mh does do just that.lead you to "bunk" it withdraws you from enrgy or effort or want or any ability to go to things like college sometimes.no matter what the "real" you want to do its almost covers it in a veil you cant get through.so laziness and not effort seem to be what is happening when really the sufferer cant actual think about doing what they deep down really actually would like to.
have you spoke to dc.could there be any pathways to helping her.if deep down she reaaallly want to do this course hence why she chose it but mh getting too much what can be done to help?can cours tutor help? is there any half days or over the web support she could get.does this need a NICE chat with her on the ways you can dh could help her with the struggle.
has anyone asked what the dc wants or can manage right now not just seeing what she isn't doing.
sometimes anger me how people can think a mental health sufferer has any choice or want to not be able to do things other "normal" people do.given the choice they wouldn't choose to feel like shit.

Lunde · 03/10/2017 10:18

@sloe

Your post about lying makes no sense. Lying about what? Have you not bothered to read OP's update where it is clear that the DD has slipped back into deep depression.

BlurryFace · 03/10/2017 10:25

I feel sorry for your DD, and you, OP. What your DP said was awful. I was a horror to parent as a teen, I was severely bullied and it tanked my MH for years. My only friend was my cat. He walked me to the bus every day and came to get me at home time. He slept in my bed and got told all my secrets. If my parents had threatened to get rid of him I would have been very hurt.

Willow2017 · 03/10/2017 11:37

Sloe who is lying?

StaplesCorner · 03/10/2017 13:17

it would seem you are only taking DD's version of events as true - doesn't sound like a bad plan in general, you know, believing what your kids say, being on their side when they have so much to cope with, being a parent.

NearLifeExperience · 03/10/2017 13:33

You honestly think there's any merit in the "Bye-bye doggy" aka "if you don't do as I say I'll take your much loved dog away" approach?

Regardless of any MH issues that is shocking parenting.

StaplesCorner · 03/10/2017 14:36

Near we just need to look at your last two words - shocking parenting - anything else is just window dressing. No amount of of dog beds can put that right.

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