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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

3 year olds aren't usually this stubborn are they?! DD is so lazy!

60 replies

BellyBean · 02/10/2017 19:33

Honestly, DD 3.5 won't do anything I ask her to do unless there's an incentive (positive or negative). I'm convinced her idea of a perfect week would be to play naked in the house all day long.

The amount of times I've had to struggle to get us out the house to do something she loves, because as soon as I mention hair, clothes or shoes there's outright refusal or 'I can't do it' when she can when she rarely wants. I'm still dressing her and putting her shoes on most of the time or we'd never go out. Don't get me started on walking anywhere once we are out...

I end up using an episode of TV as a bargaining chip, or you can't do x til you've done y. It seems a slippery slope.

Nursery describe her as particularly strong-willed. Is it just her, something I'm doing or is this normal?

OP posts:

Pickleypickles · 02/10/2017 19:49

I dont know sorry because my DD is only 7 months but ill give you a free bump 🙂

Triplesalchow · 02/10/2017 19:56

Sounds like my 3 year old. People tell me that these qualities are good as they get older. Determination, knowing what they want and working out how to get it, pushing boundaries etc show intelligence and are qualities of leadership apparently. I hold onto this thought when I'm having a particularly frustrating day.

I think it's just personality.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2017 20:13

I think 3 is the right age to start really learning about consequences due to behaviour. If she won't cooperate, there should be consequences. Such as no TV time, dessert, going to the park, whatever. If you allow her to dictate everything you do it will only get worse. One thing I definitely don't agree with is bribing - like promising a treat if she'll put her clothes on and get ready. That's a terrible idea. Hopefully, this stage will pass quickly!

SundaySalon · 02/10/2017 20:14

It's three year olds. My DS is exactly the same, we go through the same conversation every time he's asked to get dressed usually there is something really important he needs to do before his pants are put on... Only three weeks into the school routine I have added an extra 15 minutes to our morning routine so he can run around the house in nothing but a knights helmet protecting his village of soft toys from some unfathomable danger.

Meh, not a major issue in the grand scheme of things but it drives me bonkers.

Witsender · 02/10/2017 20:14

Sometimes they like to be babied, especially if they feel like they are getting older and missing it if you see what I mean.

Redcliff · 02/10/2017 20:18

Sounds very typical - my 3 yo hates getting dressed.

MissConductUS · 02/10/2017 20:19

Once they realize that they can say no, they do. It's all about asserting independence. My DD was almost as bad and she grew out of it.

I think part of it is waiting until they learn the more complicated lesson that cooperation helps get what they want as well.

Good luck. Just wait until she's a teenager.

oldlaundbooth · 02/10/2017 20:20

Sounds totally normal.

Believeitornot · 02/10/2017 20:21

Choices. You give three year olds two choices but "closed" ones.
Then build up to your end goal of going out, for example.
Eh.g. don't say let's get dressed. Just choose two outfits and let her decide. Then "shall I do it or you".

Gradually work from there then next thing you know, you're out the house.

Give a toddler too big a choice and she'll say no! unless it's chocolate related.

Believeitornot · 02/10/2017 20:23

@Aquamarine1029

What you describe is bribery, just negative! You'll end up with a child who only does something to avoid something negative (not a natural consequence). Then you'll back yourself into a corner when you bloody need five minutes of them watching tv for a sanity cup of tea but you can't because they didn't do as they were told.

Sistersofmercy101 · 02/10/2017 20:25

Same here! Should add for context that DD is the youngest, so this isn't my first run of the gauntlet... But good grief the "independence learning /testing stage" - I just end up adding half an hour to all getting anywhere targets and ride it out as best I can! :) good luck 🍀

SquedgieBeckenheim · 02/10/2017 20:32

Yup. My 3 year old to a T!
We have to bribe her to do pretty much anything, or do it for her. A regular conversation in our house goes like this:
Me: "put your shoes on, please, then we can go to the park"
DD1: "no!"
Me: "ok, we wont go to the park then"
DD1: "but I want to go to the park"
Me: "ok, we'll go as soon as you have your shoes on"
DD1: "but I don't want to!"
And repeat ad nauseum. It's worse when she's tired. No advice, just solidarity.

Original poster

BellyBean · 02/10/2017 20:34

Glad to know it's another phase. We always do the closed choices, and positive language "use kind hand" rather than don't hit ffs

We go with consequences usually, e.g. Today it was you don't have to take your shoes off but you have to stay in the hall and can't have a snack til you do. That's the sort of thing I mean by you can't have x until you've done y. Is that bribery?

Getting dressed is tricky, I really want to stop doing it for her, so will you do it or shall I would always end in me doing it. Giving the 'choice' of socks first or dress would result in no and running off.

Is it ok to dress her if that's what she wants? When will she learn to do it herself?

OP posts:

trilbydoll · 02/10/2017 20:35

Yep, my eldest would happily be naked all day and also exist solely on milk because she can't even be bothered to eat solid food.

trilbydoll · 02/10/2017 20:37

She will dress herself at some stage. They suddenly start wanting to do it independently. Honestly I would not bother fighting that battle until the summer before she starts school. It's so much quicker to help them, why ruin every morning until you have to?!

Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2017 20:40

@Believeitornot If you read my post, you'll see that I do NOT recommended bribery. Bribery is giving something desirable to someone in order to get what you want. What I did was to enforce consequences for behaviour, which interestingly is how the real world works. It worked brilliantly for my kids who are now wonderful young adults, and they were happy, respectful, caring children when they were growing up.

trilbydoll · 02/10/2017 20:42

If the snack has already been planned then I think the example above is natural consequences. Ie 'let's go home for a snack' it only becomes bribery if you say 'you can have a snack if you take your shoes off' subtle but important difference!

Original poster

BellyBean · 02/10/2017 20:45

Trilbydoll I really hope so. I think I'll take that advice for a while and chill. It's frustrating seeing peers with a much more can do/ compliant attitude developing these skills.

I was under the misapprehension that around 2-3 children start refusing help and do your head in by wanting to take 100 years to do things that are too hard for them. Not in my experience.

I'm bricking the homework stage of life!

OP posts:

Minidoghugs · 02/10/2017 20:46

I think this is known as a threenager. My dd was stubborn at that age. She only liked one dress and that is all she would wear.

Original poster

BellyBean · 02/10/2017 20:51

Wow we had sandals for a while no matter the weather (socks and sandals were rocked in this household) but the same dress sounds really annoying.

We've also had a lot of 'fun' with potty training. Only cracked it a couple of months ago and she will refuse to go if you ask her to directly even when doing to wee wiggle, unless bribed of course.

OP posts:

Believeitornot · 02/10/2017 20:53

@Aquamarine1029

You were suggesting threats which are the other side of the same coin as bribery. No TV is not a natural consequence.

What I've done is if my dcs mess about in the mornings, for example, I've let them be late for school because they weren't ready in time. Only took once and never happened again!

Minidoghugs · 02/10/2017 20:55

Dd is 13 now so a real teenager on the plus side she is very keen on getting dressed and will now wear more than one dress. She still has her favourites though that she wears to death.

Believeitornot · 02/10/2017 20:55

And @Aquamarine1029 it isn't always how the real world works.

As an adult if you don't get ready in time for work - it's not no TV - it's you're late for work. Better to teach children that sort of lesson.

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 02/10/2017 20:59

Op it's totally normal, I thought dd one was feisty! With dd one if she refused to get in the car..

One week of sweets bribe gently withdrawn, she was getting in the car as normal.
With dd 2 my God, she's five now and life is one long wrangle, bribing, negotiating!!!

BlackeyedSusan · 02/10/2017 21:03

I gave mine choices. whould you like me to put you in your car seat or are you going to climb in yourself.

though given I know how to get a rigid body to collapse and be strapped in...

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