To think it is ok that I will never get over my miscarriage?

[Whatsername17]

Around about this time two years ago, I got pregnant with our second baby. On December 23rd we went for a scan and discovered the baby had died. I miscarried shortly after, in traumatic circumstances, after the hospital refused to do a D&C. I experienced contractions and pain like labour before delivering my tiny baby in its sac alone and terrified in the early hours. We buried the baby under a special plant in our garden. A few months after, I fell pregnant with my rainbow and I now have a beautiful 8 month old whom I adore. If I'm honest, I feel a bit battered and bruised after a difficult couple of years. My pregnancy was tough following my mc and dd2 was resuscitated at birth having been born with the cord around her neck. I'd been induced because of reduced movement. I don't talk about my mc much, except to try and help other people going through the same. I follow Tommy's on Facebook and I'd like to something to raise money for them which I've mentioned to family. I'm helping my best friend through a pregnancy after loss and I'm finding it tough going as it hits a raw nerve. I want to help her though. I mentioned this to my dm and mil and the general consensus seems to be that they feel I should be 'over it' by now. That I have dd2 and that fixes everything. When I talk about running a race to raise money they give me a look. They think I shouldnt follow Tommys or talk about what happened because 'its over now'. Mil tells me that everything happens for a reason and I'm lucky it happened because I have dd2 and my mum says 'it's in the past". Aibu to feel that I'm never going to be the same as I was before and just be ok with that? I dont expect on going sympathy, but I don't want to pretend it didn't happen either.

Of course you don't have to pretend it never happened and it's lovely that you want to raise money for the charity.
But it's also good to remember that the overwhelming majority of miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities - in all likelihood this pregnancy was going to end.
I had a mc and I'm pregnant again. I find I don't think about it at all as I very much view it as a medical issue... But it sounds like you had a more traumatic time than I did in passing the embryo.
So I'd say it's fine to think about it and to raise money for Tommy's... But definitely don't let it overwhelm you.

You won't "get over" it but you will move on and although you will never forget and the experience will change you you will just learn to live with it.

I'm sorry for your loss
You don't have to "get over" anything, just grieve however you want and for as long as you want. Nobody else gets to decide that you should be over losing Your baby ever!!

It doesn't overwhelm me. I've helped s lot of people who have gone through the same since. But, I'm different having been through that - there is a sadness there that wasn't before. That isn't to say I'm sad all of the time. I guess it's like a bruise, it's there and sometimes you notice it and it is sore, but you still function just fine. My dh feels the same. My mil and dm (neither of whole have experienced loss in pregnancy) are the ones who seem to take issue with it.

No love you won't be the same person because you have lived through a trauma and a loss. You don't need to 'get over it' or 'it's in the past' you are quite allowed to be upset/angry/sad and to discuss how you feel.

Bollocks to your mum/mil as they don't know how you feel. Only you can say that and even with your lovely baby now you will never forget the one you lost and why would you? Why should you?

You talk away and you feel away and don't feel you shouldn't. You can and you have a right to talk about your feelings.

Massive unmumsnetty hugs and keep posting here because you will get support xxxxx

My first baby was Stillborn at 35 weeks and it still hurts now 8 years later, I think a parent losing a baby is something that you never get over or forget you just learn how to deal with the pain and over time it does numb a little.

Just becuase it’s “over now” doesn’t mean you should never speak of it or think of it, you are still that baby’s Mum.

Sands charity helped me & Dh a lot when our baby died and now 8 years later and even though we have 2 heathy dc we still raise money for them once a year to say thank you for what they did for us.

Yanbu

I lost my first baby 20 years ago. I've never got over it. There's not a day goes by when I don't think of her.

I do think that the prev generation of women were brought up to react to these matters in this way - sweep it under the carpet, give the child away, misc were for the best in the end etc and they come out with these platitudes and don't really think of the impact of them.

You wont get over it, you won't forget. Time will soften things and you will handle it differently but perhaps find others to talk to about it

You won't 'get over' it. I lost four babies (one pregnancy at a time, not quads) 30 years ago and I still feel sad although I never mention it. They are my lost dreams and I think about them in private moments.
to you op

I'm so sorry for all of your losses. Thank you all for the kind words

Lots of people do seem to be able to move on from miscarriages and I have many friends that say they barely think of them now they have had successful pregnancies
Me not so much I genuinely appreciate the result of the one successful pregnancy after multiple mcs and Ivf every day I can’t imagine forgetting how hard it was to be here with him x

nina

You are right 68 as a young nurse in the 80s we were told to tell mums that miscarriage was natures way of loosing babies with disabilities

I cringe still at that now I am older and have kids and grandkids.

My great aunt is almost 90 and recently told me her baby died at birth and that she never saw him as they took him away. My grandma also talked often about her miscarriage. I don't think it is something you properly 'get over' unless you bury it. I don't know why people, often women, try to play down other people's grief or try to make them feel it shouldn't be a big deal for them. It is probably because sadness makes other people feel uncomfortable. Emotional reactions can't be explained away with statistics. You went through a trauma and every now and then you will be reminded of this and planted back in that moment.

I had a MC. I don't think about it a lot but when I do I feel sad to remember how alone and confused I was and how unsympathetic/disinterested the medical staff I spoke to about it were.

I lost a baby 6 years ago and I still think about it every day. Not in a moping way although it does upset me if I’m feeling especially hormonal, but it’s part of me and always will be. I had dd2 almost straight after but there will always be that missing person in our family.

to all of you who have lost babies.

First off I am very sorry for your loss. I am also sorry that you have such horrible people in your life. You lost your baby, of course you won't get over it. I think that you are really brave for talking about it, especially after the horrible things that your own family have said to you.

It is odd Kitty isn't it. It's so easy to be empathetic and just listen.

Why downplay other people's feelings especially those of your dd and dil.

Inexplicable

The nurse in the hospital told me that it was something I'd never forget. The loss would get easier over time but it would always be there.

It was a good long while before I felt OK. I did move on and had another DC. But it was a tense pregnancy.

Take all the time you need but don't let it rule you. I have two special Christmas decorations that go on my tree. I'm the only one who knows that they represent my pregnancy losses

Yanbu, it's loss and grief and it changes you (no one would tell you that losing a loved one or a friend could be completely forgotten). Great that you're channelling your experience into helping others.

For some people there's always a reason to limit empathy. My three miscarriages were too early to care about, apparently. Yours doesn't count because you had a baby afterwards. There are always people who like to brush away others' pain because it makes them uncomfortable; there are also amazing, empathetic and supportive people. I really do think you have to go with this being about them, not you, and allow yourself to feel how you feel.

I think people do respond differently and there's no wrong way. I have a friend who miscarried twice, each time was followed by a pregnancy that went to term. She said she had to think about the babies she'd lost as never being 'for her' as it were, that was how she coped with the conflict if losing babies but also being head over heels in love with the baby that came next.

You had dreams for your baby and being thrilled with the one in your arms doesn't make those dreams and longings any less important.
If your mum or mil mention it again I would calmly tell them that their reaction is more upsetting than remembering your baby and could they kindly give it a rest.

I'm lucky in that my dh feels the same as I do. I put dm and mils reactions down to having no idea how it feels to lose a baby or to watch one be resuscitated. Im just not going to talk to them about it anymore. Glad to know im not alone though. Thank you for sharing your stories. Im goimg to search for races i can join to raise money for Tommys.

I can't understand anybody thinking anybody should be 'over' something. My normally nice DM suggested I should be over my godfather's sudden death 3 months after it - because she wasn't close to him she couldn't understand I'd be still devastated.

I've also had a miscarriage - DSis suggested a bath and glass of wine. Like it was a tough day at work or something. I'm not 'over' it - I'm not all consumed by it either - but I miss my child that wasn't and think about what they'd be like now (4 and 3 months) and feel sad and tear up sometimes if I mention it to someone I didn't tell before. It's a loss. There's a hole in my life where that baby should be. Though honestly I could go weeks without thinking of him at all, I could equally well spend a few days crying easily and feeling sad. It's my grief and I'm the only person who carries my grief. Fuck anyone who doesn't understand it, tbh!

Mine was also traumatic enough. DM suggested that 'it would be worse to have a baby with something terribly wrong with it'. Thanks DM. My family sound awful and they aren't that bad really!

I think perhaps people that haven't had one don't get it. But certainly I think it's terrible for anyone to make light of our be dismissive of anyone else's pain or feelings, regardless of the nature of pain. I sincerely doubt I'll ever get over it. But it doesn't rule my life. Though we never ttc again and DS is an only and now I think I'm too old and life got in the way and I'm envious of people who have more than one child because I would have loved to have had another baby but even if I did, it wouldn't be that baby and I loved him/her and I wouldn't have minded if there had been something wrong I would have loved him and looked after him and minded him and I've just cried and cried typing that.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Apile. Your post resonates with me so much I could cry myself.

I lost 3 before I had my son who is now a few months old. I will never forget them. He is my rainbow, and he is wonderful. But losing babies changed me deeply. And that’s ok. Big hugs to you.

Some people do "get over it". That doesn't mean that your way is wrong, or that they are lacking in some way. Different people just deal with loss differently.

A bit less judging is always good.