To think it is ok that I will never get over my miscarriage?

[Whatsername17]

Around about this time two years ago, I got pregnant with our second baby. On December 23rd we went for a scan and discovered the baby had died. I miscarried shortly after, in traumatic circumstances, after the hospital refused to do a D&C. I experienced contractions and pain like labour before delivering my tiny baby in its sac alone and terrified in the early hours. We buried the baby under a special plant in our garden. A few months after, I fell pregnant with my rainbow and I now have a beautiful 8 month old whom I adore. If I'm honest, I feel a bit battered and bruised after a difficult couple of years. My pregnancy was tough following my mc and dd2 was resuscitated at birth having been born with the cord around her neck. I'd been induced because of reduced movement. I don't talk about my mc much, except to try and help other people going through the same. I follow Tommy's on Facebook and I'd like to something to raise money for them which I've mentioned to family. I'm helping my best friend through a pregnancy after loss and I'm finding it tough going as it hits a raw nerve. I want to help her though. I mentioned this to my dm and mil and the general consensus seems to be that they feel I should be 'over it' by now. That I have dd2 and that fixes everything. When I talk about running a race to raise money they give me a look. They think I shouldnt follow Tommys or talk about what happened because 'its over now'. Mil tells me that everything happens for a reason and I'm lucky it happened because I have dd2 and my mum says 'it's in the past". Aibu to feel that I'm never going to be the same as I was before and just be ok with that? I dont expect on going sympathy, but I don't want to pretend it didn't happen either.

I'm not nudging people who get over it at all. Not in anyway, shape or form. I haven't and I feel that is ok. My mum and Mil disagree.

Judging^

I don't think you 'get over it', but you learn to carry it. It's like having deeply engrained footprint imprints of trauma on you

It helps to develop positive memory associations with it, e.g. a poem or special memory or growing a plant in remembrance

Do you think that they have suffered miscarriages and feel a bit jealous that they were not allowed to grieve and talk about it in the same way that you have been able to? I lost a baby at 16 weeks and only my then H knew about it. It is difficult when someone else close to you loses a baby.

Ive never been pregnant but I really can empathise and imagine how it must feel. You're not unreasonable.

That sounds awful, i dont know how anyone can think you should just be over it. I miscarried at around 8/9 weeks and that was bad enough. I was bleeding for 2 weeks and had to keep waiting for scans etc to see if there was still anything there. In that time i acted as if everything was normal, going to work etc. I think i was hoping for the best. It wasnt until i started losing clots in work one day that i realised it was really happening. I remember wondering at the time if i would ever feel like myself again. I think having my little boy already helped. It was even more difficult because my SIL had her baby on what would have been my due date. I was lucky enough to conceive again not long after, and after a couple of scares with bleeding, my 2nd little boy was born prematurely 6 weeks after my previous due date. I think i did get over it, but it was early on and i think you are doing amazing considering what happened.
If they say anything again just say, i’m not going to get over it! I’m glad you have your husband to talk to as well, and between you, you can always remember your baby. Hugs to you both!
Wow, that was long! I dont think ive ever said all that to anyone before lol

I've had four miscarriages, the most recent was 4 years ago and I've had another child since. It doesn't affect my day-to-day functioning any more, but I will never forget them, my family is a particular shape because of losses along the way and I am not the same person I was before I experienced pregnancy loss. If you felt you were stuck in grief and unable to move forward I would suggest you sought some counselling, but it sounds like you have been able to move on and simply seek to bring something positive from it by supporting others and raising money or awareness by supporting Tommy's. Your family are unreasonable, they don't get to police how you deal with this.

I remember reading in a Jodi Picoult book, a long time after my Son was stillborn. It stuck with me,
"The word for a child who has lost their parents is an Orphan. But there is no word for a parent who has lost their child, because that pain is too awful to name".

You will never forget, and nor should you have to. But it just won't haunt you quite as much. If you want to raise money to help such a worthy charity then that's a lovely thing to do. There's no timescale on making a contribution to something close to your heart.

Sorry for all of you who have lost babies
I lost DD’s twin fairly early in the pregnancy and has to be taken by ambulance to hpspital due to horrendous blood loss while I miscarried the twin. How DD clung on was nothing short of a miracle.
DD is school age now but I still wonder what her twin would have been like. I don’t letit take over my life but it does still make me sad. Family and particularly MIL were all “oh well at least you’ve still got one” and no one acknowledged the baby I lost which made it so much harder to cope with.

I found my first miscarriage the most painful. It took away the innocence and joy of pregnancy. I went on to have a daughter and then a son. I had two further miscarriages after my son was born. They didn't hurt as much as my first miscarriage. We would have loved another baby but I just don't think I could cope with another loss. I'm also 41 and my youngest is six now.

I've put them behind me now but I'll never forget.

Lots of love to you. Xxx

whatshername we are all different, grieve for your baby and your experiences in your own way. I hope you will come to terms with them, in time, but I expect you will always remember something.

"Mil tells me that everything happens for a reason and I'm lucky it happened because I have dd2 and my mum says 'it's in the past". " I hate the old 'everything happens for a reason', it doesn't mean it is good.

"Aibu to feel that I'm never going to be the same as I was before and just be ok with that?" No you are not being unreasonable.

"I don't expect on going sympathy, but I don't want to pretend it didn't happen either." Then I really think you are right not to talk to them about it. They do not understand. Just as people who have not had extensive IVF do not understand. If they have your best interests at heart, smile with them and keep your grief for others who will understand.

whatshername I'm sorry for your loss too and it means a lot to me that you are sorry for mine and that you 'get it'.

Claireshh - I had two miscarriages after DS, and we also decided to stop trying because it was too painful to go through again.

I'm sorry you lost your baby OP.

I think your mum/MIL are not being helpful (though they think they are). It sounds like you want the loss acknowledged, whereas they'd rather gloss over it. Perhaps they aren't very comfortable talking about such things.

You're right that it will have changed you- how could it not? I have a friend who has lots of kids. She had a MC and gets low on the date of the event and the due date, despite having had several children since then. Having a lovely, live child, or several, does not 'replace' the one that was lost. Like any form of grieving, you'll probably find it gets more manageable with time, but you cannot just forget about your baby.

Your friend is lucky to have you to support her. Do you have anyone you can talk to? Does anyone support you?

My first would be two next month. I have a beautiful 1 year old boy now but the loss of my first was a constant reminder during my pregnancy of how easy it can happen. I think about her (I strongly feel it was a girl but was a few weeks short of finding out) a lot, I always feel I have two children because I never feel comfortable just saying I was pregnant just once - I wasn't, and she was very much wanted by me. One of the first things I remember saying to my son in a private moment after he was born is that his sister would be proud, I'm not sure why.

I do feel her loss - not as strong as I did 2.5 years ago, but in the sense that I feel I should have 2 children but only have one. Two feels right to me but I know that my son is enough for me. I can't quantify it really. But you don't have to 'get over it' in a time frame that other people say you should. I don't talk about my lost girl much, because particularly since my son has come along people are understandably more focused with him, but she's a part of me, I have her scan photos and my memories. I know her father thinks of her too.

The older generation were certainly pushed to behave in a certain way - often they didn't have much choice.

But I know my aunt lost her baby very late into her pregnancy and she's certainly never forgotten him. She still mentioned it occasionally in the context of how many children she has.

She told me once hat when he was born the nurses just took him away. She never even got to hold him or give him a name. There's no grave no nothing.

She's in her 80s now. So much much older generation.

I'm so sorry for your loss. That sounds truly terrifying and awful.
I had a mmc. It was my first pg. I didn't even know that could happen. I dissolved. It took a long time to start to move forward.
Had DS then a very early mc. Christmas is a truly shit time to lose a baby.
There's no right way to react to grief. Who says there's a time limit or how or when we should move on.
Your grief is yours. You feel it. You react in your way. You can't change that for anyone else.

I think people cope in the best way they can. For some they hide it and keep it to themselves. For some they acknowledge and celebrate and grieve just as much as the silent ones.

There aren't degrees of loss. There aren't levels or amounts. It's just loss. Grieve, mourn and hold onto the love that you felt for your baby. That love still exists despite your loss, that love will never cease to exist. That you still mourn her isn't right or wrong, it's simply your way of coping. Previous generations coped in different ways and were perhaps a little more pragmatic and stoic about loss. Perhaps your family believe they're helping.

I heartily recommend counselling, though, if you'd consider it. It can help enormously. And talk to your family about how much pain you're in. Be open about the fact that you need time to grieve.

My mum had a stillborn baby 38 years ago. She ain't over it. I lost my first pregnancy 8yrs ago - I still ain't over it. It's ok that you are still a little sad.

I'm sorry for your loss op, and everyone else's
I had a mmc almost 4 months ago and it feels like it's never going to get easier.
It was my first pregnancy and I just can't face trying again at the moment.
I don't think I'll ever get over it.
There was a time where I just wanted to forget it ever happened, but now I don't ever want to forget my lost baby. I always felt like it was a he, and he'll always have a special place in my heart.

If they can't emphasise keep your activities and stuff from them . It's a practical way to not let them (sure it's not intentional) make you feel bad

You have had a rough ride OP . You are bound to still be bruised

This too shall
Pass and it won't hurt this much forever

I also gently question is helping go and supporting people is helping YOU right now . Could you consider taking a step back and getting involved when you have healed bit more ?

I don't feel I need councilling. I share my experience to help others and thst helps me. Coleslaw - I felt exactly the same. Then I became consumed by ttc and when it didn't happen immediately I felt the loss even more sharply. Pregnancy following the mc was very hard. I am grateful for my little lost baby because I'm grateful I felt that love. I think of the baby as a 'he'. I'm not sure why. I think perhaps because I was so sick for the 3 months I was pregnant where as with my girls I wasn't sick at all. I have a teddy bear with my positive tests and scan photos inside. On bad days I give it a cuddle which helps.

You've every right to feel as you do and raising money for Tommy is a very constructive thing to do.

This is relevant and beautiful:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/11/18/thanksgiving-in-mongolia/amp

OP - I'm also a Tommy's supporter. One of the reasons for this is that I know how heartbreaking miscarriage is and I want to support them in their research to investigate and help prevent miscarriage. (I also know what great work they do in their campaigns to support and inform pregnant women and their rainbow clinics (for those who are pregnant after losing a baby) are invaluable.)

I've lost 4 pregnancies and do talk about them because I feel that miscarriage/stillbirth is still a taboo subject. The more people talk about it, the more support there should be for those experiencing it.

I know some people don't feel comfortable talking about these things - especially older people in my experience as there was less understanding and support a generation ago (you often didn't see your baby, weren't even told the sex).

In my opinion there are never good things to come out of losing a pregnancy or "at least...xyz " but if my experience can be used to help others - through funding research/support and getting people to talk, understand and help others, then it makes me feel better.

Carry on doing what you're doing