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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there was really no need for that?

102 replies

LewisThere · 01/10/2017 19:23

Nice afternoon with the dcs. They watched a film, had some popcorn and generally enjoyed themselves.
Both me and H in the background vaguely watching with them.
Film end, the dcs start going back to their bedroom. H stops them and ask them to tidy up the packets of popcorn etc.. All fair enough.
Dcs bring the stuff in the kitchen incl 2 empty bowls and leave them on the worktop. Dishwasher has just finished running.
H started to get annoyed and had a go saying it's unacceptable. They should empty the dishwasher and then tidy up the two bowls.

Now it's dcs job to fill and empty the dishwasher. They were going to do it anyway 2 hours later after dinner.
Dc1 tried to explain that worked better for them. Nope, H wasn't having it.
Dc2 tried to escape by going to his bedroom and was told off.
Cue for two dcs grumpy and annoyed who ended up having a go at each other and in effect releasing their anger on their sibling rather than their dad.

Is it really unreasonable to think that it was really up to them to decide when to do that task?
H is convinced his way is better because it means more work afterwards, work he isn't going to do. Plus they should do as they are told.
I'm saying that it spoiled what was a really nice afternoon. The dcs need to learn what is working or not by trying it rather than because they are told to so, aka learning from their own mistakes. and I would have left two bowls that were more or less clean anyway So really there was no need to make such a fuss over that.

Both dcs are teenagers.

What do you think?

OP posts:
another20 · 01/10/2017 22:19

OP - most people seem to agree with you.

What are you going to do now to resolve this?

Or is your frustration that you will hit a brick wall with your DH?

Is this incident reflective of many incidents in your family life - or a one of?

Original poster
LewisThere · 01/10/2017 22:23

Not a ONE off.
Plenty of times when I just swallowed it up.
Except that i don't want to anymore.
Hence the fact I raised with him later on. And I got the answer 'well it's important for me and yes it's worth the aggro'. That was it.
Oh and the feeling that obvioulsy, I was just as bad as them (read lazy/a slob) because I said I wouldn't have emptied the dishwasher myself either.
I sometimes don't know anymore what is and isn't 'acceptable'. And yes I was very frustrated by it all because the discussion will not go further.

OP posts:
another20 · 01/10/2017 22:34

He therefore doesn't see your family unit working as a cooperative supportive team or you as his equal partner.

He wants to run a rigid, authoritarian boot camp.

If he wont listen to you and refuses to alter his approach, you have to decide if this is what you want you and your children to endure.

Buck3t · 01/10/2017 22:58

Does anyone saying they would empty the dishwasher there and then have a dishwasher? Or if you do does it work differently to mine?

When my dishwasher finishes it's extremely hot to handle. So I leave it till it cools down. Can you let me know the make and model of your cool drying dishwasher?

OP, I have a similar argument with my husband. It feels like he is always picking on me to pick up after myself immediately. I thought as an adult, doing something in my own time, as long as it is done is important. I am pretty lazy though and have been known (because of his neat freak status) to leave it long enough for him to pick up after me (usually 10 mins).

Thinkingaboutarevolution · 01/10/2017 23:30

Buck3t, I find that when I put a quick 30 minute wash on it is not as hot when it finishes.

Teutonic · 02/10/2017 00:35

I'm more concerned about the disrespect that they've shown to their father by not doing as they were told when they were told to do it, than whether the dishwasher was emptied and whose job is whose.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 02/10/2017 00:54

Give over with lack of respect to father. They sound like good kids, their father sounds like a shit stirrer with a rod up his arse. Where is his respect for two kids who do jobs when they are meant to and offer help as well? Your H sounds draining Op, im sorry you're living like this. Those power hungry fools will usually end up sad and lonely.

ReggaetonLente · 02/10/2017 01:04

My mum was like this. Actually typed rules about chores out that we were meant to adhere to. Except we didn't, because makes you feel less like helping out than being forced to do so.

I'm not the boss of my kids when it comes to chores etc, we're a team. That's the difference.

Otherwise, you get grown men (mostly) expecting instructions on which chores to do when, like we see all the time on here.

Yes! DP is like this. I never thought of it like that. That's exactly what is is.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/10/2017 01:07

If you and the boys are happier when he's not around....

DixieNormas · 02/10/2017 01:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 02/10/2017 01:18

Don't expect many visits after they move out

Abby is right. I think you and your DC would all be happier if he fucked off and lived somewhere else.

Stopyourhavering · 02/10/2017 01:26

Well in a precious few years they will have left home, so you won't need to nag them.....choose your disagreements wisely

ReginaBlitzkreig · 02/10/2017 03:47

My Dh has tendencies like this. He craves order, wants the house to look nicer, likes to start the week with everything shipshape.
Sounds reasonable, doesn't it?

Except, he is blind to his own mess and clutter, just fixates on everyone else's; doesn't just want us all to do chores and tidying, but wants us to do them his way; gets frustrated and cross when we don't, and visits those feelings on us; tends to use the lack of tidiness as an outlet for his feelings about other things.

I have been very clear with him that this needs to change.

Buck3t · 02/10/2017 06:57

Thinking have never used a 30 minute wash. Will test that and see thanks.

Minxmumma · 02/10/2017 07:11

Soooo basically you had a lovely chilled afternoon with 2 teenage children something which can be a rareity in itself. This was then trashed in a blazing row over a couple of bowls?
DH should learn to pick his fights. A gentle 'don't forget you need to empty the dishwasher' would do especially if they are generally helpful kids. He needs to realise that they way he treats them will come back and bite him in a few years.

wingerkite · 02/10/2017 07:14

I am an adult and I might pop a couple of bowls on the side knowing I was going to empty the dishwater later and reload it. I don't trundle from one job to another like a robot maximising my efficiency. Sometimes I stack some washing up for later

Yes this, do people really unload the dishwasher the minute it's finished?!

YANBU OP.

llangennith · 02/10/2017 07:33

YANBU but your H is controlling.

5rivers7hills · 02/10/2017 07:58

but why would you when you know that you will do it in a couple of hours anyway

I think the DW should have been emptied then, the popcorn bowls put in and it’s nice and empty for when you start cooking. I hate starting cooking then realising the DW needs emptying.

wingerkite · 02/10/2017 08:06

I think the DW should have been emptied then, the popcorn bowls put in and it’s nice and empty for when you start cooking. I hate starting cooking then realising the DW needs emptying.

Well that's how YOU feel (and clearly how the dh feels) , but it's not a "rule". It wouldn't bother me at all.

Gileswithachainsaw · 02/10/2017 08:12

Your husband sounds a dick

However I hate all this "I'll do it later" stuff as well

Inevitably it ends up preventing other people from being able to do what they need to do because what they need isn't washed up yet or there's no room on the side as there's stuff waiting to go in or it gets forgotten so you end up doing it anyway and white frankly if I'm gonna have to do it myself I'd rather know early so I cab get it done than discover everyone's fucked off to bed or whatever and I'm doing it at 11 o clock at night...

TammySwansonTwo · 02/10/2017 08:31

He was being a dick. However, I find it quite amusing that multiple pp have asked why they didn't just wash up the two bowls quickly, and your response each time is "because the dishwasher had to be emptied first". Washing the two bowls up by hand would be the obvious compromise since it would have taken a minute and then it's done.

Birdsgottafly · 02/10/2017 08:36

"Otherwise, you get grown men (mostly) expecting instructions on which chores to do when, like we see all the time on here."

And why they start to feel resentment because all those feelings from the teen years are bought back up.

"I'm more concerned about the disrespect that they've shown to their father by not doing as they were told when they were told to do it, "

Teens need to be given a level of autonomy, it builds self confidence and self esteem.

OP, I can see you having to visit them, once they leave home and your DH's controlling nature will be directed at you, which will get worse with age.

Original poster
LewisThere · 02/10/2017 09:08

Tammy I suspect this is because everything goes in the DW here and no one (not me, not H! Nor the dcs) even thought about that option.

I can see how it would be Grin if doing some washing up by hand is quite normal in your house.

OP posts:
Original poster
LewisThere · 02/10/2017 09:13

I find it interesting to see the range of answers TBH.
From the 'it's normal why on earth would wait to empty the dw!' Which was basically H attitude to the 'it's stupid and very controlling of him'

The bottom line is that for me, it feels controlling and excessive because of the subtitles present there. That not doing it is being lazy and a slob and the contempt/putting down in the voice.

I also have an issue with the refusing to engage with the dcs when they are challenging one of his ideas. Because for me, this is utterly disrespectful. They are teens now. In two years time, Dc1 will be the same age I was when I left home for Uni. Time to start treating as adults rather than little kids.

OP posts:
Crescend0 · 02/10/2017 09:54

Lewis, my DH can be a bit like this at weekends if he's got work stress on his mind. He can take out his frustrations on me and the DC's by wanting things done his way and now. Tbh, I let a lot of it go over my head. I just tend to not get into confrontation over small things like this, but if he gets too much, I can generally reason with him when he's in a more relaxed mood. I have to pick my moment though. Nobody is perfect and we all have our issues. So I think the question is, how often do you feel as if you're walking on eggshells and is it something you're prepared to put up with? Is he under stress from elsewhere?