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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there was really no need for that?

102 replies

LewisThere · 01/10/2017 19:23

Nice afternoon with the dcs. They watched a film, had some popcorn and generally enjoyed themselves.
Both me and H in the background vaguely watching with them.
Film end, the dcs start going back to their bedroom. H stops them and ask them to tidy up the packets of popcorn etc.. All fair enough.
Dcs bring the stuff in the kitchen incl 2 empty bowls and leave them on the worktop. Dishwasher has just finished running.
H started to get annoyed and had a go saying it's unacceptable. They should empty the dishwasher and then tidy up the two bowls.

Now it's dcs job to fill and empty the dishwasher. They were going to do it anyway 2 hours later after dinner.
Dc1 tried to explain that worked better for them. Nope, H wasn't having it.
Dc2 tried to escape by going to his bedroom and was told off.
Cue for two dcs grumpy and annoyed who ended up having a go at each other and in effect releasing their anger on their sibling rather than their dad.

Is it really unreasonable to think that it was really up to them to decide when to do that task?
H is convinced his way is better because it means more work afterwards, work he isn't going to do. Plus they should do as they are told.
I'm saying that it spoiled what was a really nice afternoon. The dcs need to learn what is working or not by trying it rather than because they are told to so, aka learning from their own mistakes. and I would have left two bowls that were more or less clean anyway So really there was no need to make such a fuss over that.

Both dcs are teenagers.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 01/10/2017 20:44

They should have done it there and then. All this I'll do it later nonsense just gets on my nerves. And dishwasher full of clean dishes waiting to be emptied is just a pain. Nothing else can go in it until it's emptied.

Original poster
LewisThere · 01/10/2017 20:50

Nothing else can go in it until it's emptied.
But nothing else would have (and has) gone in before the dishwasher was emptied.
Because dinner was 2 hours away and they would have emptied the dishwasher then....

OP posts:
Expemsiveuniform · 01/10/2017 20:51

But there were two bowls that needed to go in for washing ?

Original poster
LewisThere · 01/10/2017 20:53

I also think the point is

  • one person might find it a pain to have a dishwasher full. Why on earth waiting to do that?
  • another might well think that actually there is no rush. It's only two bowls that aren't manky.

One is saying that one person is right and the other isn't? Surely we all have our own ways of doing things?

If the dcs way is to wait, why should they do it the way their father does?
And why should it be done according to what their father thinks is best and not their mother? Any reason why his POV is more important?

OP posts:
Purplemac · 01/10/2017 20:59

YANBU OP - it wasn't a job that needed doing immediately. I like things done right away but accept that I can't expect others to be the same if it's not a time critical task. If I was your DH I might have asked them to do the dishwasher since it had finished, but if they'd said "oh I was going to do it after dinner" then I'd leave it at that. As long as there's not loads of washing up waiting to go in then it doesn't really matter does it?

Original poster
LewisThere · 01/10/2017 20:59

Serioulsy? Two bowls.

Putting two bowls in the dishwasher is THE most important thing in the world, something is important that it just cannot wait two hours?

So important that it's worth the aggro and having four grumpy people in the house? (2 dcs that found is most annoying, DH because they didn't do as they were told straight away and MW because of H behaviour)

The house was going to coplapse and they would have become totally and utterly unruly and would never have done any chores whatso ever from then on. Because they would have learnt that they can get away with murder.

It's funny because when H is away from work, i have the two most helpful teens you could find. Not just ones that doing their chores. But ones that are proposing their help for other things or doing it of their own back. It seems that being prescriptive in what and how you are asking them to do things have the opposite effect....

OP posts:
Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 01/10/2017 20:59

He sounds like a right drag. How to trash a lovely family day by picking away at a non-existent problem... And what Pigeondujoir said.

Original poster
LewisThere · 01/10/2017 21:04

Sorry I'm venting here. Not really at any poster as such.

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 01/10/2017 21:07

DH sounds like a control freak what is the matter with him?
Your dc sound lovely OP I am so sorry your dh is so hard on them there really doesnt seem to be any reason for it it's all so childish and petty fgs!

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 01/10/2017 21:08

You pick your battles.

Your DH picked his and ended up destroying what was a lovely afternoon for the sake of 2 bowls.

I agree, 2 bowls that had had popcorn in are not clean, but they aren't filthy either with food plastered around the inside.

Your DH was a dick and being VU.

another20 · 01/10/2017 21:15

Can the 4 of you sit down and vote when the DW should be emptied?

When the 3 of you decide it is once a day after dinner - he will have to accept democracy.

This will show your kids that you are reasonable and also how to deal in a constructive way with difficult people - or as you say Op when there is an impasse.

NetflixandBill · 01/10/2017 21:16

Missing the point slightly but surely it's a pain to have the dishwasher on in the middle of the day? Is it not most efficient to empty it first thing in the morning then fill as the day goes on and switch on again right before bed?

I would have either left them on the side for a bit or else just washed them quickly in the sink

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2017 21:16

Bloody hell. Does everyone really empty the dishwasher the minute it's finished? Isn't everything too hot still? Am I the only one not living in an immaculate, cleared-away kitchen?

Thinkingaboutarevolution · 01/10/2017 21:22

I can empathise OP. It sounds like he snatched failure out of the jaws of victory for a most trivial insignificant reason (in terms of a pleasant Sunday and good vibes with the family). What was the point???
Twat.

Liara · 01/10/2017 21:24

Rule in our house is whoever does the job chooses how and when to do it. So long as the job is done and well done, nothing else gets dictated.

If someone doesn't want to wait for a job to be done, then they can do it themselves.

Dc are extremely helpful and regularly come up to us and ask us what they can do to help, or do things off their own back that they see need doing without being asked.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 01/10/2017 21:26

Yanbu

Your dh was being a dick

TheNoodlesIncident · 01/10/2017 21:28

I do the same as Netflix, can't imagine having to be emptying and refilling a dishwasher so often. There's only three of us, and the cat, but we only have a mini-dishwasher so it does get filled in the course of a day. But popcorn bowls aside, won't dinner time produce a few more but not actually a full load's worth?

Your DH sounds a right wet blanket op, couldn't be doing with living with that kind of miseryguts who'll create all sorts of tension over a couple of dishes...

haveacupoftea · 01/10/2017 21:28

To be honest if my mum or dad asked me to do something as a teenager I did it. Rules and boundaries are there for a reason and they protect against situations like this.

haveacupoftea · 01/10/2017 21:30

And those calling him all sorts of names put yourself in a situation where you are trying to train your children not to procrastinate. Ask them to do something and both of them and your spouse are in a mood with you the rest of the day. Is that ok? I don't think so.

RhiWrites · 01/10/2017 21:38

I am an adult and I might pop a couple of bowls on the side knowing I was going to empty the dishwater later and reload it. I don't trundle from one job to another like a robot maximising my efficiency. Sometimes I stack some washing up for later.

Deciding when to do a task is part of taking responsibility for it. Why couldn't the bowls lie and (D)H let it go.

Being micromanaged in your responsibilities sucks. The kids would have done it later. Why be on their case 24/7?

Original poster
LewisThere · 01/10/2017 22:00

If I was trying to teach (rather than 'train'???) my DC not to procrastinate...
The last thing I would do is to give them order and force them to do it at certain point.
Ime that is the best way to ensure resentment and later non compliance because what the DC has learnt is to do things because you say so NOT because they have decided to do so, organised themselves etc....

As to the dcs and the dw being in the mood... who said that the grumpy feeling lasted more than a few mins/half an hour.....

OP posts:
Voice0fReason · 01/10/2017 22:06

Oh good grief! Why is it such a big deal having a couple of bowls on the worktop for a couple of hours or the dishwasher not emptied?
I don't understand why anyone is so uptight about this!

DJBaggySmalls · 01/10/2017 22:07

YANBU. This is how to turn helpful people into resentful ones.

Mittens1969 · 01/10/2017 22:10

It does sound as though he was picking a fight with them, which is so not worth it. I remember my DM used to go on about washing up being done straightaway, she had a massive thing about it. I used to nag my DH about it too, now I’m thinking, why? What difference does it make?? As long as chores are done, let them be responsible for deciding when they should be done.

DotForShort · 01/10/2017 22:15

It all seems so unnecessarily dramatic on both sides. I don't honestly see why they didn't empty the dishwasher then and there. It takes no time at all, especially if two people are doing it. The children weren't under any time pressure, rushing to get out of the house or whatever. Why didn't they just get on with it?

OTOH, I also don't see why the OP's husband made a huge issue out of it. Are the children likely to procrastinate to the point of never getting the job done? If not, it doesn't seem like the end of the world if the dishwasher is not emptied for a couple of hours.

But the drama and arguing and refusing from everyone involved seem completely disproportionate to the situation. It sounds like an exhausting way to live.