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Original poster

Monster in law problems

98 replies

ThaiRedCurry · 01/10/2017 11:28

I admit I don't get along with my MIL we constantly argue and don't see eye to eye. She has taken DD out for a couple of hours (DD is 4 months old). I was absolutely horrified when I went to put the car seat in my MIL car. It was a total disgusting mess, dog hair everywhere and items all over the place including a bike not tied down. I chose to ignore but what really rattled my cage is that the dog was in the boot. The dog is unpredictable I've seen him pounce on people before admittedly he only has ever grabbed their clothes and not bitten anyone but I still don't like the dog being loose in the car. Should I say something to MIL like suggest that I pay for a dog grate for the car incase the dog decided to jump over and attack my baby?? Or should I just leave it. I'm maybe a little over the top as my sister was bitten by a family friends dog when she was 16, it really made a mess of her face.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 01/10/2017 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

milliemolliemou · 01/10/2017 13:01

On top of which an unsecured dog barrelling through the car if your MIL had to brake sharpish could kill everyone in the car. To say nothing of the unsecured bike.

She should have a properly fitted dog grate. And ditch the unsecured bike at yours when collecting her GC and pick it up when returning. Not sure why it's in the car anyway?

I'd forget about the mess and doghairs.

StefMay · 01/10/2017 13:03

You've just had a baby - 4 months is still small. It's such a difficult time for some of us and when the MIL is difficult it creates even harder situations that not everyone can handle confidently at any age. We're all different.

You already know you want to keep your baby safe - that is clear from your OP.

Looks like you want some advice on best way to do it?

You really have 2 choices:

  1. Tell DH and lay on the implications of what happens if dog rips your bubba's face off or bike hits their head. Go extreme as the risk is there. Tell him it is his Mum and you will let him have the conversation and that he needs to show this is a joint decisions and not yours alone

OR

  1. Write a lovely email/letter about how lovely her dog is but how they can be unpredictable with new people. State what happened with your DSis. Say how this is worrying you and that although it is unlikely, you still want to reduce any risk of harm. Ask her how she would feel if anything happened to her grandchild and it happened in her care? Offer the grate.

I do hope option 1 is the way you go, as if not, I would be concerned how supportive your DH is in your relationship...

BertrandRussell · 01/10/2017 13:04

I quite often have a bike in my car- but it is always safe.

everyonehasissues · 01/10/2017 13:05

I'm in the same sort of boat I don't really get on or like my MIL ever since I had my son 2 years ago she just tried controlling how we look after him and what and what not to do. I hardly see her anymore thank god but a thing has came up recently and I have had words with my partner about this but will he nothing say anything to her so I think we should just get it over with and tell them what we think😂

C8H10N4O2 · 01/10/2017 13:18

Write a lovely email/letter about how lovely her dog is but how they can be unpredictable with new people

No really don't. The unsecured dog should be a non negotiable, to take this passive approach is unlikely to get any useful response.

OP the two choices you have are either she secures the dog in the car (and teh bike) or your DD does not go in her car. Do not get sidetracked about mess or relationships. The only issue that matters here is the safety point.

doodlejump1980 · 01/10/2017 13:19

Isn't it now against the law to have an unrestrained dog in the car?

BertrandRussell · 01/10/2017 13:26

"OP the two choices you have are either she secures the dog in the car (and teh bike) or your DD does not go in her car. Do not get sidetracked about mess or relationships. The only issue that matters here is the safety point."

This. And be absolutely direct. Leave no wriggle room at all.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 01/10/2017 13:38

Don't mention the mess, just focus on the safety issues.

StefMay · 01/10/2017 13:55

C8H10N4O2 - it's not passive. It's her not having to have a row with MIL or DH but getting the same outcome. I have not suggested she puts child in car with dog/bike being unsecured as you suggest. I recommend buying the grate. Writing something can be less confrontational than in person.

Some people are clearly not as assertive as you (or me) so how about giving them options?

Me - I'd let her have it both barrels and my baby would not have been put in the car the first time.

Time to be a bit more understanding that not everyone is comfortable with confronting difficult situations head on.

Why else would they be posting here?

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2017 13:59

For the sake of "family relations" and not wanting to cause a scene, I let my dd then 15 months gently pat my sils dog. Result: it bit her just above the eye. It bled. She has a small incision scar just above her eyebrow.

We are now NC with brother and sil. Not because of this although we did stop speaking to them for over a year because they acted appallingly after the event. The bite is the tip of the iceberg.

Simply: YOUR DD IS BETTER OFF NOT HAVING A GRANDMA THAN ONE, WHO ENDANGERS YOUR CHILD.

Inertia · 01/10/2017 14:24

You are not reacting strongly enough. You know your husband won't speak up to protect your baby, so it's your responsibility to do so regardless of the row which results. An unsecured dog in a car with a child is negligent, frankly.

C8H10N4O2 · 01/10/2017 14:37

It's her not having to have a row with MIL or DH but getting the same outcome

The problem is that from everything the OP has said, this response will not work and will be used as a distraction from the issue.

Therefore she has to choose between direct (which also may not work) and refusing to allow the child in the car.

I agree it can be difficult but with some people you have to practice being direct or accept a lifetime of being walked over. They give you no alternative.

Mittens1969 · 01/10/2017 14:59

It's all an unsafe scenario, bike not tied down and dog unrestrained. The correct response would have been, 'No, MIL, this isn't happening, end of.' It's YOUR responsibility as the baby's mother.

The problems in the relationship with the MIL are not actually the issue here.

Mittens1969 · 01/10/2017 15:02

And you need to practise being assertive, maybe rehearse what you'll say? You're a mother now, you need to remember that you're in charge of what happens with DD, not her. DD needs you to be strong and protect her.

blueberrypie0112 · 01/10/2017 16:05

She never mentioned why she had a problem with her MIL.Only the fact that she called her monster in law in her title and that she does not get along. I think the MIL had dismissed a lot of her concerns she had and now the mom is even nervous to even mention about the dog.

I mean, my dad used to smoke but I didn’t feel nervous to ask him not to smoke around my child (son) he was respectful and didn’t do it

Original poster
ThaiRedCurry · 01/10/2017 16:40

Thanks to everyone's constructive feedback, I'm going to send her a text and say I hope I haven't hit a nerve but..
And to the poster who wrote "you must be young" I'll take that as a compliment Grin

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 01/10/2017 17:15

In what world does the OP sound 'truly nasty'? Hmm

VladmirsPoutine · 01/10/2017 17:30

I'm going to send her a text and say I hope I haven't hit a nerve

Don't do that. In fact she's the one that should be contrite and you should not be leaving your baby in her care anymore. Loose dogs and bicycles! Come the fuck on OP. She can get to fuck.

Original poster
ThaiRedCurry · 01/10/2017 21:37

Just an update to those that are interest. I sent her a message on whatsapp. She read and ignored so I sent another saying hope she understood (I basically kissed bum a little) and she kept going to write back for over 2 hours then didn't reply Confused now I have anxiety that I've hit another nerve and world war 3 will break out Confused

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 01/10/2017 21:46

I have anxiety that I've hit another nerve and world war 3 will break out confused

If she makes a big song and dance, that is her problem, not yours.

It is your job to keep your DD safe. You must do it. You have no option and you have done nothing wrong.

You cannot go through your DD's childhood allowing her to be put at risk of harm just to avoid conflict. You have to stand up to your MIL at some point and there is no time like the present.

If she kicks off, ignore any nastiness and emotional blackmail. Just repeat "I'm sorry you are upset by this but I cannot allow you to put my baby in danger."

Stand your ground firmly and calmly. Don't waiver in any way.

You MIL has a choice. She can accept that her DGD needs to be kept safe or she can decide that her wishes trump that and make a fuss. If she chooses the latter, she is the one causing the conflict, not you.

You are doing the right thing Flowers

SandyY2K · 01/10/2017 21:49

I wouldn't have let her go.

Whereismumhiding2 · 01/10/2017 22:01

If she kicks off, ignore any nastiness and emotional blackmail. Just repeat "I'm sorry you are upset by this but I cannot allow you to put my baby in danger."

This ^^

Original poster
ThaiRedCurry · 01/10/2017 22:02

Gold thank you so much for that message, it's made me feel much better x

OP posts:
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