To not know how to deal with DSs bedroom situation?

[ProverbialOuthouse]

DSs are 16 and 18. For weeks now I've been asking them to tidy their rooms. Nothing has been done despite them both spending plenty of time in them.

Yesterday they went to their dad's house for the night and I couldn't bare it anymore so went in to tidy them.

From DS1s room I came out with 4 "bags for life" full of recyclables. Empty bottles, cans, boxes and papers. There were 4 empty 2l Dr Pepper bottles, 3 packs of empty Coke cans (so about 12 cans), 4 milkshake bottles, 3 McDonald's meal wrappers and cups and around 5 empty cardboard boxes just thrown all over the floor. Basically our blue bin was emptied on Friday and by the time I'd finished in there it was full again. On top of that I came out with 4 bags of general rubbish - sweet wrappers, crisp packets, pot noodle pots, plastic bags ... on top of that there was mucky clothes, plates, mouldy food and general shit lying all over.

DS2s room wasn't quite as bad but still full of empty sweet packets, mucky clothes, half eaten sandwiches and bottles and cans.

I know people will say "why are you tidying their rooms? Just don't go in!" But it's my fucking house!! They're disgusting and it's stressing me out that two of the rooms in my house look like opium dens.

What can I do to stop this??? They just completely ignore me.

"They completely ignore me"

You've let them get away with doing that and have lost power and control in your home! You need to regain in the ways others have suggested.

Is your eldest over weight? Even if he's not his diet is poor and needs tackling separately.

Be tough with them OP, it sounds like you're being too nice, you have to be cruel to be kind sometimes for their long term benefit.

The wifi code is your friend.

Change it.
Set out a list of chores that must be done to get the code back.

Repeat weekly.

Plant a rat in their room?

Plant a rat in their room?

You've just upped the game, Fernanie

I reckon wifi is possibly your biggest ace here.

First off I would make sure they've both got a washing basket. I'd put their dirty stuff in there to contain the smell but definitely no washing or putting away for them.

Box up all your crockery, cutlery etc and leave one item of each for each person - keep yours separate and tell them what's theirs - Keeping it fit for use is their problem.

For hygienes sake I would have to sweep their rooms for rubbish. Every item found = 1 hour wifi access (timed on them being in the house and you being there to witness it so no buggering off out half an hour in and coming back thinking it's all done and dusted) on top of which if you are still giving them money for leisure/treats I would be charging them minimum wage for cleaning services, one hour minimum charge. Keep a tally somewhere public like the kitchen.

I was a mucky, lazy teenager (drinking glasses were my bedroom 'thing') and the limiting of glasses available was the thing that trained me if you like.

Washing - mixed bag. I found I quite enjoyed laundry (still do ) but was a bugger for washing stuff that was clean but just strewn about. Worse victories I imagine.

Plant a rat in their room?

Oooo you're evil! But I like it!

Op how about itching powder in their beds? Nothing inspires a cleaner lifestyle like the thought of creepy crawlies all over you while you sleep?

No second chances, take action now.
No food and drink allowed upstairs, apart from water.
When they come back and see their clean, tidy rooms, give them a bag, and tell then to fill it with anything they no longer want, or need, clothes, footwear or possessions. Make sure they oblige.
Take them downstairs with their dirty washing, and show them how to work the washing machine, and dryer, if you have one.
They should already know how to do this, but they'll soon learn, if they want clean clothes. Then of course, there's the iron ..... 😄

When I was about 17 I was the exact same. My mum couldn't take money from me I had my own job and own money. One night I was at work and she snapped. She bagged everything in my room that wasn't away into big black bin liners. Think open drinks bottles in with my laptop and clothes. I wasn't allowed those bags for a week. When I got them a lot of stuff was ruined. I didn't do it again.

Lots of people saying leave it and shut the door etc. Will the rats they attract be kind enough to stay in the room too?

No cooking, no clothes washing and DEFINITELY no plates to be taken into their rooms.

Food is seems to be the biggest problem. No food upstairs ever. This also has the benefit of seeing them now and again downstairs and discouraging unhealthy snacking.

No laundry done unless it is in their laundry bin and brought downstairs when requested. They strip their beds when requested and bring downstairs and make with clean bedding.

Insist floors are cleared and vacuumed once a week, light dusting.

As they've been allowed to get into bad habits they will need a bit of encouragement to do it for the first few weeks (no wifi/phone/tech until done, laundry done etc) and get dh to be the one doing the encouraging/helping so they don't see it as wife work.

I would have also photographed it and threatened to publicly shame them with it.

Please don’t ever sink so low as to publicly ridicule your** own child. It’s called bullying.

I honestly don't know what I would do. My DDs are still small. I can imagine what my mum would do though. Either remove all plates except for 1 each. They will have to wash them up if they want food. Or, ban food from being eaten upstairs. I think in extreme circumstances she would have removed my door. With a message saying 'if you don't respect my house I will not respect your privacy'
Yes harsh, but so is a dirty room in a home you are trying to keep nicd

There is a difference between untidy and squalid and it sounds like the OPs boys rooms are verging on squalid. It's the food and drinks stuff that I wouldn't want. It's unhygienic and it might smell.

BTW I presume you aren't buying the kids all the crappy drinks etc? If so I'd stop until they keep their rooms clean. Id probably change the wifi password. Id change the wifi network name to IsYourRoomClean?
and something equally droll for the password.

I like my house to be tidy and clean and I think it's reasonable to ask teens to keep their rooms in an ok condition. My DC keep their flats etc quite tidy so I presume I haven't damaged them by getting them to keep their rooms in a reasonable state when they lived at home.

It is difficult and I sympathise. Have to say I don't much care for the "it is my house" view, though.

My dad took our doors off their hinges and took them to the garage, then removed our internet until our rooms were tidy. Only took once go having no privacy and no internet.

I have actually just had a memory! I was messy. Mainly clothes. My DM did my washing and would normally pop it at end of bed ready for me to ignore put away. One day, she walked in with a huge pile of clean clothes. Through them up in the air and let them land scattered all over the floor. When I asked her what she was doing she very gently said 'this is where they go isn't it, thought id cut out the middleman'
Lesson learned!

At 18? I have no doubt in my mind my folks would have thrown me out. They were both big on respecting the home.

I walk into Ds (15) when he is on his PC, playing games,with friends,and point things out.

If he does not sort it, I walk in again and SAY things loudly (his friends,can hear me over the mic, embarrassing for him)

I bully and nag. Yes not ideal. It works. I cannot bear disgusting rooms...

I wasn't allowed food or drink in my room as a teenager.

Sensible rule.

It sounds like my two boys op.
To the poster who said the 18 year old could move out,
my 19 year old is on minimum wage for his age group, I believe that that's £5.55 ph, he earns approximately £710 pcm,
where we live your looking at £600/700 plus for a 1 bedroom flat. Then you have utilities and food on top. There is no way he could do it.

sparklyelephant just a point about the expectation of a 1 bed flat for a 19 year old... what about rooms in shared houses or as a luxury a studio flat? For generations this is what adult children did.

sparkly

Why a one-bed flat? People share houses.

The expectation of a one bed flat....

Wow! I house shared for ages, in grotty areas.

I dreamed of a studio.

It is one of those things that has really changed in the past few decades. (Though rent IS expensive, but still, this new generation comes across as having such unrealistic expectations...)

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen
So could you explain to us (and then to them) why it does? "It's my home" isn't a strong enough argument
Of course it bloody is!

You and a few other posters are misunderstanding my point. If it's a strong enough argument, these lazy brats would tidy their rooms. As it stands, they're no, are they? They're not because the OP hasn't given them a) reasons to do it or b) punishment for not doing it. She is enabling them.

As long as they believe it's their room so what, this situation will continue. So I ask again, why precisely is it an issue? And tell these scumbags it. It provides the basis for any punishment the OP then gives out. If it's rats, it's rats and ban food. But you can't have it both ways - just saying "it's my house" is just a statement of fact, it's not like saying "I don't want to live in a pigsty so put your dishes in the dishwasher" is it?