Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know how to deal with DSs bedroom situation?

123 replies

ProverbialOuthouse · 01/10/2017 09:20

DSs are 16 and 18. For weeks now I've been asking them to tidy their rooms. Nothing has been done despite them both spending plenty of time in them.

Yesterday they went to their dad's house for the night and I couldn't bare it anymore so went in to tidy them.

From DS1s room I came out with 4 "bags for life" full of recyclables. Empty bottles, cans, boxes and papers. There were 4 empty 2l Dr Pepper bottles, 3 packs of empty Coke cans (so about 12 cans), 4 milkshake bottles, 3 McDonald's meal wrappers and cups and around 5 empty cardboard boxes just thrown all over the floor. Basically our blue bin was emptied on Friday and by the time I'd finished in there it was full again. On top of that I came out with 4 bags of general rubbish - sweet wrappers, crisp packets, pot noodle pots, plastic bags ... on top of that there was mucky clothes, plates, mouldy food and general shit lying all over.

DS2s room wasn't quite as bad but still full of empty sweet packets, mucky clothes, half eaten sandwiches and bottles and cans.

I know people will say "why are you tidying their rooms? Just don't go in!" But it's my fucking house!! They're disgusting and it's stressing me out that two of the rooms in my house look like opium dens.

What can I do to stop this??? They just completely ignore me.

OP posts:
ujerneyson · 01/10/2017 10:07

Why are they allowed to even take food into their bedrooms? We have a water only rule and it's totally non negotiable. I don't agree with the concept to shut the door and leave them to it. I think you have to have basic rules which are non negotiable, in our house they are bee made, floors clear and bins emptied once a week.

Mrsbird311 · 01/10/2017 10:08

Your kids are living in squalor and you’ve let it go for too long, you are going to end up with rats or mice, they shouldn’t be eating in their rooms that’s just disgusting, new rule all food to be eaten at the table, nobody is too busy to not be able to sit and eat!! They should be expected at the very minimum to keep room tidy and clean , open windows and make beds, put dirty washing in the correct place, if they can’t manage this the older one needs to find their own place and the younger should think about following !!!
I’m furious for you, my kids wouldn’t dream of treating our home so disrespectfully!!

Alittlepotofrosie · 01/10/2017 10:09

No food in bedrooms.

IrritatedUser1960 · 01/10/2017 10:09

Pack up everything in their rooms in bin bags and/or large boxes. Put them at the end of the garden. tell them they don't live in your house in this bloody mess and if they want to continue living with you they will go hoover their rooms, clean every surface before putting all their stuff back. Repeat every time this happens.
i did this to my then 16 year old son once, he was never untidy again and it taught him not to take the piss.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 01/10/2017 10:10

DS is 14, so slightly younger, and while his room can be messy, it's not dirty. But then he knows that the deal is he tidies and cleans his room once a week and puts his own laundry in the wash, hangs up his own wet towel and so on.

But then he's not in any way defiant, so when I say: sort your room out NOW, he does it Grin

However, the only food allowed in bedrooms is drinks and snacks, like biscuits or whatever. Any food like you're describing he would eat downstairs - it's just one of the unspoken house rules. Can you establish that as a very clear house rule to try to minimise the risk of rats and mice?

Andrewofgg · 01/10/2017 10:12

And to think I was concerned that my DS was obsessionally tidy; a place for everything and everything in its place. His room was tidier than ours. He's long since moved out and his house is the same. Given that the various children in the family all adore him he's going to be an almighty catch for somebody!

FlowerPot1234 · 01/10/2017 10:16

There are two ways you can look at this. First, it's their bedrooms as children so let them live in their filth and suffer/rejoice in the consequences of it. Don't tidy up after them - their mess, not yours. Second, you say it's your house, quite right, but I'd ask why their filth affects you exactly? If you mean their filth leaves a stench that affects the rest of the house, you have ammunition. If you're saying their filth is ruining the carpet or property you have paid for, you have ammunition. But other than that, from their selfish perspective, they can't see why their room should bother you so much.

So could you explain to us (and then to them) why it does? "It's my home" isn't a strong enough argument.

Silver47 · 01/10/2017 10:19

weekly inspection. if not up to scratch they lose the right to use the room, sleep on the landing.

Trb17 · 01/10/2017 10:19

After much threatening over many months my Dad went in my teenage bedroom and bagged everything into bin bags. Everything. Clothes, makeup, cups, hairdryers etc. The whole lot was bagged up without any care, some stuff getting broken in the process, and then the bin bags were thrown in the garage.

I was distraught but I was never quite as messy again after that.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 01/10/2017 10:19

Why isn't "It's my home?" a strong enough argument? What a ridiculous thing to say.

Poshindevon · 01/10/2017 10:20

There are many posts on MN from women who have husbands and partners who do little or nothing in the home and expect the woman to do everything.

By allowing your sons to live like pigs in shit you are turning them into lazy adults who will expect women to clean up after them.

You should have been stricter in the past but it is now time to put your foot down. The previous posters have given you some good ideas
act on them and give your sons some guidance.

Silver47 · 01/10/2017 10:21

So could you explain to us (and then to them) why it does? "It's my home" isn't a strong enough argument.

yes it is, and you don't need to justify anything.

Your home, your rules, end of.

How utterly ridiculous to say you have to give them a reason it matters, no you don't.

Zaphodsotherhead · 01/10/2017 10:21

It's tough. I had similar with mine when they were younger. I had to work, so they often cooked (or an approximation of such) for themselves, so I wasn't there to 'stop food being taken to bedrooms'. It's fine if you are home all the time to police their actions, but if you work unsociable hours, it's harder.

Mine are all civilised humans now, but they moved out and left all the junk in their rooms for me to deal with...

Rhynswynd · 01/10/2017 10:23

Of course the fact that it is her home is a strong enough argument. They are living in a pig sty and OP does not have to put up with it. Whether it affects the rest if the house smell wise or the carpet etc (which it probably does) is immaterial when they should abide by mums rules in mums house.

VelvetSpoon · 01/10/2017 10:23

OP, I've been there.

DS1 (now 19) used to live in a complete pigsty. I remember filling a black sack with plastic bottles, cans etc that were all under his bed Angry.

3 things worked for us. First I said to them both that it just wasn't on. If they lived here they needed to keep their rooms relatively tidy. Not show home perfect bit once a week rubbish cleared, not keeping washing up in their rooms for more than a day or so, and all washing in the laundry basket. And if they didn't I'd restrict their internet access to an hour a day. And I did several times til they realised it wasn't an idle threat.

I also redecorated both their rooms, rearranged them, got them some more storage to encourage them to be tidier.

We also now have a cleaner who comes weekly. They know that if they haven't emptied their bin, made their bed and cleared everything off the floor then she won't hoover/ polish their room. So again that helps!

Good luck on finding a solution that works for you 😊

NapQueen · 01/10/2017 10:26

You could always just remove everything.

Leave a mattress on the floor with a sleeping bag, and anything you know they purchased with their own money. And box everything else up and put it into the loft.

custardcreamplease · 01/10/2017 10:28

"It's my home" is absolutely a good enough argument. OP presumably works to pay for her home, via rent or mortgage. If she doesn't want two of the bedrooms turned into disgusting pits, then that is entirely fair.

Also, nobody should be so dirty and bone idle that they leave binfuls of mouldy food packets around the floor, that's absolutely vile and there's no excuse for it.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 01/10/2017 10:29

So could you explain to us (and then to them) why it does? "It's my home" isn't a strong enough argument

Of course it bloody is!

PovertyPain · 01/10/2017 10:31

Sneak in every day and leave a few dead flies and spiders about. When they mention them, act horrified and tell them that flies lay eggs in food and old wrappers. Go on about how horrific it would be when the maggots mature and turn into flies. Wonder if that's why there's so many spiders. Start scratching, then leave the room. It'll give them time to think. I may have thought definitely done this on my oldest. 😈 It might did work.

NikiBabe · 01/10/2017 10:32

Are they hoarders? OR showing any tendency to be so? That is just vile.

At 7 years old, I used to put dirty clothes and rubbish under the bed as I couldnt be bothered to clear it away. But I was SEVEN. Not 18. Eventually sorted it, cleaned out under bed, never did it again. Etc.

Do these boys / men want girlfriends because anyone in their right might wont lie with such disgusting squalor.

Id actually take all the tech away, switch off the wifi, put bin bags in their bedrooms and say clean that shit up or the tech will remain off and to the 18 year old I'd also say if it doesnt stop he cant get out and pay rent if he wants to live in squalour but you arent living with it.

ladyvimes · 01/10/2017 10:32

That’s absolutely disgusting. I would refuse to do anything for them until their rooms were tidy. As a pp already suggested change the WiFi password, confiscate games consoles, etc.

ujerneyson · 01/10/2017 10:34

I don't even agree that you can't police good being upstairs if you work. Of course you can't but you can lead by unwavering example that food doe not go upstairs. My kids will happily sneak sweets upstairs but it wouldn't occur to them to take other food upstairs because it's absolutely a non negotiable rule set in stone and I would absolutely remove their money / wifi etc etc if I found out that they had done it

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 01/10/2017 10:34

My mum used to put anything and everything that was left on the floor into black sacks. That soon does the trick.

Whatamesshaslunch · 01/10/2017 10:35

Umm I would have put all that rubbish in their beds!!! With a roll of bin bags. Then disconnect the wifi!

NikiBabe · 01/10/2017 10:36

OR take the doors off their hinges. Literally unscrew the doors and take them away.

They want privacy? Clean the room and keep it clean.

Swipe left for the next trending thread