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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Financial Abuse?

61 replies

GingerTabbyCat · 30/09/2017 22:57

Hi all,
NC for reasons that should become obvious.
I want some advice as to whether or not you guys think the following could be classed as financial abuse. I can't make my mind up and it's not as obvious as the cases I've read online. I might be totally unreasonable.
Before DC hubby and I both worked full time. Started out on the same salary and split bills equally but DH got better jobs (he's a graduate and I am not) and before DC was to a salary that was twice my own. We still split bills equally but it never occurred to me to be bothered by this because I always had enough (never been a big spender).
The arrangement has always been that he pays a set amount in to my account monthly. I had asked for a joint account, and although one was set up he never used it as a proper joint account- we kept the same arrangements.
Anyway, DC comes along and after maternity leave I drop my hours down to part time. He asked me how much money I needed and I said X amount should be good. It wasn't (let it be known now that I am awful at budgeting). I had to go back to him a few months later and ask if he could give me more. He did but complained bitterly about it to the point it caused arguements.
Currently about 45% of his salary goes towards our bills and almost 100% of mine does. I am well and truely struggling. I can manage to put some money away a month to go towards Birthday and Christmas presents but that's about it. I am constantly in my overdraft and because I am constantly trying to get out of it I am unable to spend anything on myself or my DC.
He's given me money in the past to go out but then next time an argument arises or we are talking about finances it gets thrown back in my face so I've stopped asking and refuse any offers.
I've asked for a proper joint account but he refuses and says that I'd run us both in to the ground. I've asked for help to sit down and budget properly but he tells me I am an adult and he shouldn't have to sit down and do that with me (fair point possibly). He harps on about my need to budget but then pokes fun at me when I stick to a budget while food shopping or say I can't do something or go out.
He's always making remarks about me being frivolous and buying coffees all the time but I can't remember the last time I bought a coffee and I'm not frivolous. I don't even get my hair cut anymore because I can't afford it.

Basically it feel wrong but I don't know if iabu or if it is wrong.

Tl;dr: I'm broke, hubby isn't. Feel like I'm going to stern parents when I need money.

Thanks

OP posts:
PuntasticUsername · 30/09/2017 23:01

Yep, financial abuse. Even if your budgeting skills could be improved, he shouldn't be using that suggestion to bully and control you the way he is.

BakerBear · 30/09/2017 23:04

What's he doing with his spare money?

JoJoSM2 · 30/09/2017 23:12

His behaviour is awful. However, you seem to have helped along the way by splitting things 50:50 or getting yourself to the point when you don't get haircuts etc when there is disposable income in the family.

I think it's very important to try and sit down together to work out a budget that includes some spending money for both of you so you don't go without haircuts or a coffee now and again. If he isn't willing to sit down and work it out, then I'd be questioning the future of the relationship and in the meantime put max 50% of my income towards expenses so that he'd have to cover the rest.

Moanyoldcow · 30/09/2017 23:13

Yes, it's financial abuse. I will never understand how one partner can see another struggle financially because of an inequitable split.

The only fair split in your situation is that you should have equal split if the surplus. You are a family. Your finances should reflect the commitment you have made to one another and to parenthood.

He sounds vile to be honest.

rightnowimpissed · 30/09/2017 23:17

TBH op you need to tell him to grow up, in a relationship it’s not his and yours it’s ours. The money is communal money so tell him to wise up!

PurpleWithRed · 30/09/2017 23:21

Whatever you call it it’s not the attitude of a loving husband or father. It’s not just unfair on you, it disadvantages your children too.

FWIW your marriage vows had a bit something like “all that I have I share with you” in it. And he will discover if you leave him that the law views your money as jointly and equally owned.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 30/09/2017 23:26

FA abuse for sure. Good luck, OP

Original poster
GingerTabbyCat · 30/09/2017 23:44

Thank you guys for your input.
I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse.
BakerBear- he uses some of it and he has some savings built up I think.
JoJoSM2- I've tried to sit down with him but he won't do it. Tells me it's my responsibility. I take your point about the future.
Purplewithred- I didn't know that about the law. Thank you!
Calvin- thank you!

OP posts:
bakingaddict · 30/09/2017 23:59

How are your bills organised. Do some bills go from your account and some from his or do you transfer a set amount of money into his or another account. If it's the latter then reduce the amount you transfer so you have spending money each month. I myself would not be with a man who deprives myself and the kids things like haircuts but that's your call to make

JoJoSM2 · 01/10/2017 00:05

If he says it's your responsibility, could you just put together a spreadsheet and on the basis of it tell him to keep some spending money (eg 200) and transfer the rest to you for managing it.
If he's repeatedly uncooperative and blames you, then it is abuse.

peachgreen · 01/10/2017 00:36

Yes, financial abuse. You should both have the same amount of ‘fun money’ each month, after bills and savings. I agree that once that’s gone, it’s gone, but you should have it and it should be none of his business what you spend it on.

loaferloveforyou · 01/10/2017 01:11

DH and I put all our money into a joint account, then split what's left after all bills and savings have been taken. We have always done this no matter if I have been the higher earner or he has and we have done this since long before we decided to move in together. Neither of us see money as his or hers.

IMO it's all about team work and family/joint money.

If you are earning less than him it needs to be addressed and a more even split needs working out.

Namethecat · 01/10/2017 01:20

You should know this - What his salary is? How much is in his bank /savings acc. If he keeps this a secret from you that is a red flag. Do you see his bank statements. Could you sit down one evening and discuss both your incomings/outgoings.

Tatiannatomasina · 01/10/2017 01:23

I would look at going back to work full time, check out what you might earn v the costs of childcare. Present him with the financial package and tell him he will be paying either childcare or you, its his choice. What a knob. I might be inclined to discuss his reticence to pay for his children with the rest of the family. Shine a little spotlight on his behaviour and see how much he enjoys the limelight. I would also go on strike and do nothing for him until he wakes up. No food, washing, ironing, cleaning, nada.

Pumpkintopf · 01/10/2017 01:51

Absolutely agree with what others have said op. Do not tolerate this behaviour. This is not normal.

keepcalmandfuckon · 01/10/2017 03:54

Yes it's financial abuse. You should have equal access to money. Flowers

Henrysmycat · 01/10/2017 07:52

It is financial abuse. How would he like it if you divorce, take the kids and he provided everything and get none of the joy? Stop blaming yourself as well and look into getting back on your feet. Not every SAHP story has a happy ending, you are already suffering.

bastardkitty · 01/10/2017 07:54

What's he doing with his spare money?

It's not HIS spare money. It's family money. And yes, it is financial abuse.

chocolatespiders · 01/10/2017 08:03

Do you know how much he earns? He seems to be keeping it secret from you if it doesn't go into joint account. .
I feel for you as it is very u fair set up. Not fair on your children either.
I am a single mum working full time and feel peeved when I can't afford a £20 hair cut but your husband should be giving you enough money for you to have a cut.

Cookiesandcake · 01/10/2017 08:11

Me and husband have separate bank accounts and a joint one for bills. I'm a stay at home mum he works full time. Ctc is paid to me so I put that in the joint account. Dh makes up the difference in bills. So I put 30 in per week he puts the other 170 in. My account we only use for car insurance which I transfer from the joint. The leftovers from his wage go into his account but is definitely both our money, I have the card and use it to get anything we need, clothes etc. So that works fine for us and imo is how it should work. The reason he makes more money is because I'm a sahm and we agreed we didn't want our little boy in nursery. Joint decision so all money is joint

Scholes34 · 01/10/2017 08:49

On the surface it seems unfair to you, but how frivolous have you been in the past? What makes him feel he can't trust you with more money or a true joint account to which you both have access? It's difficult where a couple's relationship does't allow them to share finances totally.

Our financial planning is totally entwined. DH will get a bigger pension, due to his length of service and level of salary, but he relied on me totally to be there for the children. Family life is a joint venture and finances should be too.

bastardkitty · 01/10/2017 08:52

Hahaha bollocks ^

Henrysmycat · 01/10/2017 09:19

Scholes, he doesn't even sit down to help her with budgeting. If you know your DP has been crap with money previously, you sit down with them and help them. They are a couple!

JoJoSM2 · 01/10/2017 15:08

Well, it's no all so black and white. I do know a couple where the husband would give the wife a set amount every month to cover family expenses and that was it. However, it was not financial abuse - she was just really shit with money. She had history of debts for no reason (racked up when single and in a decent paid job) and whenever she had money she'd go and blow it. If she had full access to 'family money', they would have ended up penniless and homeless.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/10/2017 15:23

Yes it is, he does not sound like a loving and caring husband. You should not be paying bills, as your not earning. His attitude is awful😪

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