Financial Abuse?

[GingerTabbyCat]

Hi all,
NC for reasons that should become obvious.
I want some advice as to whether or not you guys think the following could be classed as financial abuse. I can't make my mind up and it's not as obvious as the cases I've read online. I might be totally unreasonable.
Before DC hubby and I both worked full time. Started out on the same salary and split bills equally but DH got better jobs (he's a graduate and I am not) and before DC was to a salary that was twice my own. We still split bills equally but it never occurred to me to be bothered by this because I always had enough (never been a big spender).
The arrangement has always been that he pays a set amount in to my account monthly. I had asked for a joint account, and although one was set up he never used it as a proper joint account- we kept the same arrangements.
Anyway, DC comes along and after maternity leave I drop my hours down to part time. He asked me how much money I needed and I said X amount should be good. It wasn't (let it be known now that I am awful at budgeting). I had to go back to him a few months later and ask if he could give me more. He did but complained bitterly about it to the point it caused arguements.
Currently about 45% of his salary goes towards our bills and almost 100% of mine does. I am well and truely struggling. I can manage to put some money away a month to go towards Birthday and Christmas presents but that's about it. I am constantly in my overdraft and because I am constantly trying to get out of it I am unable to spend anything on myself or my DC.
He's given me money in the past to go out but then next time an argument arises or we are talking about finances it gets thrown back in my face so I've stopped asking and refuse any offers.
I've asked for a proper joint account but he refuses and says that I'd run us both in to the ground. I've asked for help to sit down and budget properly but he tells me I am an adult and he shouldn't have to sit down and do that with me (fair point possibly). He harps on about my need to budget but then pokes fun at me when I stick to a budget while food shopping or say I can't do something or go out.
He's always making remarks about me being frivolous and buying coffees all the time but I can't remember the last time I bought a coffee and I'm not frivolous. I don't even get my hair cut anymore because I can't afford it.

Basically it feel wrong but I don't know if iabu or if it is wrong.

Tl;dr: I'm broke, hubby isn't. Feel like I'm going to stern parents when I need money.

Thanks

All our money gets paid into the joint account. All bills are paid from it each month & £300 each was transferred to our own accounts. Dp is not good with money so now some money goes into his account to cover some direct debits & I give him the rest in cash. We still have £300 each. I earn more but it doesn't matter because we see all our income as joint, family income regardless of who's earned it.

Are you able to work out a plan/budget of how much you need, and then use that as the base to open a discussion with your DH?

Does the OP think she is crap with money because she is the one that needs to spend it on a daily basis?

What does DH spend his money on? If he doesn't need to buy the school stuff, food and toiletries etc then in his head I'm sure it seems like his wife is being frivolous with money.

Does he ever go into a grocery shop? Buy family presents? Would he know how much a weekly shop costs?

You don't need him to sit down and do a budget with you, you ought to know exactly what the household expenses are.

Sit down and write down everything that you pay out.
Mortgage/Rent, Gas, Electric, Water, Phone/TV/Internet, Building/Contents insurance, Car Insurance/Tax, Council Tax, any other regular insurances, direct debits and payments that go out.

Then write down roughly how much you spend each week on groceries and household essentials

Add up what all that comes to every month.

Then add up what you both earn. Subtract one from the other. Whats left is 'disposable income'. If you save, deduct that, the rest ought to be split fairly between you.

Anything less is financial abuse and you need to put your toe up his arse.

How much are you charging per hour for high quality one-to-ond childcare?

The issue is that he isnt willing to work out a budget.

If the DH isn't willing to work out a budget with her, then the OP should look to do this herself. She needs solid information to back up the situation if she's going to have a meaningful discussion with her DH.

Yes. Solid information such as knowing how much her financially abusive husband earms.

or even 'earns'

Gosh some of this is eye-opening....clotheared this is not how I thought it could be in a relationship/marriage. Wow. I am stunned that there could be so much equality and openness...

The OP knows how much her DH earns.