Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Financial Abuse?

61 replies

GingerTabbyCat · 30/09/2017 22:57

Hi all,
NC for reasons that should become obvious.
I want some advice as to whether or not you guys think the following could be classed as financial abuse. I can't make my mind up and it's not as obvious as the cases I've read online. I might be totally unreasonable.
Before DC hubby and I both worked full time. Started out on the same salary and split bills equally but DH got better jobs (he's a graduate and I am not) and before DC was to a salary that was twice my own. We still split bills equally but it never occurred to me to be bothered by this because I always had enough (never been a big spender).
The arrangement has always been that he pays a set amount in to my account monthly. I had asked for a joint account, and although one was set up he never used it as a proper joint account- we kept the same arrangements.
Anyway, DC comes along and after maternity leave I drop my hours down to part time. He asked me how much money I needed and I said X amount should be good. It wasn't (let it be known now that I am awful at budgeting). I had to go back to him a few months later and ask if he could give me more. He did but complained bitterly about it to the point it caused arguements.
Currently about 45% of his salary goes towards our bills and almost 100% of mine does. I am well and truely struggling. I can manage to put some money away a month to go towards Birthday and Christmas presents but that's about it. I am constantly in my overdraft and because I am constantly trying to get out of it I am unable to spend anything on myself or my DC.
He's given me money in the past to go out but then next time an argument arises or we are talking about finances it gets thrown back in my face so I've stopped asking and refuse any offers.
I've asked for a proper joint account but he refuses and says that I'd run us both in to the ground. I've asked for help to sit down and budget properly but he tells me I am an adult and he shouldn't have to sit down and do that with me (fair point possibly). He harps on about my need to budget but then pokes fun at me when I stick to a budget while food shopping or say I can't do something or go out.
He's always making remarks about me being frivolous and buying coffees all the time but I can't remember the last time I bought a coffee and I'm not frivolous. I don't even get my hair cut anymore because I can't afford it.

Basically it feel wrong but I don't know if iabu or if it is wrong.

Tl;dr: I'm broke, hubby isn't. Feel like I'm going to stern parents when I need money.

Thanks

OP posts:

araiwa · 01/10/2017 15:23

How bad are you with money exactly?

bastardkitty · 01/10/2017 15:27

^ How bad are you at understanding blatant financial abuse?

araiwa · 01/10/2017 15:30

Op has already said she was terrible with money. In the thread about the husband with credit card debt, some suggested that she took control of all the finances of the house. Maybe this is similar?

bastardkitty · 01/10/2017 15:34

No. It isn't.

girlingerrupting · 01/10/2017 15:48

I don't think allowing a partner who is irresponsible with money full access to it works. It's definitely all joint but doesn't mean it should all be spent

43percentburnt · 01/10/2017 16:01

He's an arse. But this way suits him.

Go onto entitled to and see if financially you would be better off without him. Look at the cms calculator too.

Ask yourself if roles were reversed would you treat him as he treats you?

Ttbb · 01/10/2017 16:29

Yes. Start charging him 50% for all of thechilcare/housework that you do. Petty bugger.

Danceswithwarthogs · 01/10/2017 16:38

Part of the reason for you earning/putting less into the family finances is because you are at home looking after children... this has a value.
If you shared the childcare out 50:50 he would be taking a direct hit financially and possibly in career progression too (which most women just accept without questioning). If you went back to work full time, there would be a cost to that extra childcare.

Therefore the money that you do earn is only part of your family contribution.... imagine if all your childcare hours were added in at minimum wage too?

I know this sounds pedantic, but "his" money that he is saving is made out of the sacrifices you have made by looking after the kids rather than earning that money for yourself and expecting him to spend an equal share of time/fees for that childcare.

Plus, as Pp have said, you're a marriage, a family and this behaviour does not honour your marriage vows. What if (God forbid) you became unwell and could neither earn money nor care for children... would that mean he'd expect you to starve?

Also the cost of living is going up all the time. I think you do need to sit down and do some family financial planning... does he have particular reasons for squirrelling money away (desire for bigger house, early retirement, kids uni etc?) Ideally it would be best to have joint financial goals but also a realistic attitude to the cost of things now.

mishfish · 01/10/2017 16:49

Realistically you should be adding your net wages together, deducting all the bills and food from that and splitting the remainder 50/50.

He's being selfish and abusive. How he can let you be constantly broke whilst he has a pot of savings (assuming they're HIS and not joint) is cruel.

If he's not open to the above suggestions I'd also say I was going back to work full time. Housework and childcare from home is split evenly, all bills including nursery is split in proportion to your salaries (if his is double yours then he should pay 2/3 and you pay 1/3 of the bills.

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2017 16:53

if he won't even sit down and look at a budget how can he decide how much is 'enough' to put aside?

He won't change, but you should still sit and list everything - inc haircuts, clothes, presents etc. See in black and white what he's doing to you.

Then make an appointment to see a solicitor.

Scholes34 · 01/10/2017 17:28

OP- you've admitted you're rubbish with money. Where have things gone wrong in the past? Have you given some thought yourself about how you might budget, etc. How much do you spend on birthday and christmas presents and where are there gaps in your expenditure that you need to cover? Do you think your spending has been frivolous in the past? What can you do to help yourself? And what is your DH doing with his disposable income? If he has some put away in savings, do you have access to this money too? Do you even know how much money he has saved?

bastardkitty · 01/10/2017 17:30

Scholes you seem ore than able to view things from the H's point of view. Is he your 'friend' or something?

Scholes34 · 01/10/2017 17:42

We have the OP's point of view. To put things into perspective, you need to consider how it might look from the DH's point of view to try to understand why he might be acting the way he is. The OP has admitted she's crap with money. So that's a starting point.

And I'm not a friend of the DH's. I spend a fair amount of time listening to people's issues and know that there is always two sides to a story.

bastardkitty · 01/10/2017 17:50

So in your therapeutic work do you make excuses for people who justify their controlling and abusive behaviour based on their partner's alleged past weaknesses?

RandomMess · 01/10/2017 17:55

His refusal to look at it is awful! The joint account should be used for all family spends, an agreed amount to savings, and equal spend to blow on what you want whether it is £20 or £200 per month!

ILikeyourHairyHands · 01/10/2017 17:57

But even if she is 'crap with money', it's absolutely no reason to deprive her of enough to meet her basic needs whilst having free access himself.

In a relationship where one partner is better at budgeting it should still all be completely transparent, discussed and equitable. it seems it is none of these things in OP's relationship.

Scholes34 · 01/10/2017 17:58

I'm just asking some questions to form a view. bastardkitty - why do you assume I'm supporting the DH?

Scholes34 · 01/10/2017 18:01

What's the problem with the OP taking a good, hard look at herself? If she's honest with herself, it will make her stronger in confronting the situation.

glitterlips1 · 01/10/2017 18:02

Definitely FA. I would go back to work full time with the plan to leave his arse. He has a terrible attitude. You are a family if he doesn't realise this then I would be gone!

ILikeyourHairyHands · 01/10/2017 18:07

These threads always make me so mad, I was at the bus-stop the other day and there was a woman struggling with two small children and a baby in a pram in the pissing rain chatting to a friend about how she hoped her husband would hurry up and replace her car that had had to be scrapped but because it was 'HIS' money it had to be the right car.

In the meantime she was having to get the bus with three under fives every day. I just wanted to tell her it's not HIS Fucking money, it's your family money, and your husband is a cunt.

It should be taught in schools what a healthy relationship looks like because women shouldn't even have to be asking if this is normal.

Ilovevegas · 01/10/2017 18:14

Agree definitely financial abuse, although some men wankers are completely oblivious to it.

I'm returning to work pt in January after mat leave. Always worked full time but commute & shift work make this difficult.

My DH was in complete agreement with this UNTIL he realised that I obviously can't split everything 50/50 (we used too & had a similar amount of fun money left). He actually thought it all (including childcare) should be split equally

A very stern talking to was needed that I would not find this acceptable & all money is family money.

There is no way I would put myself in any sort of position where I couldn't afford the basics for myself & DS & any man expecting you too needs a kick up the arse!

alfie27 · 01/10/2017 18:17

It may sound harsh but I suggest you find, and take pictures - or better still photocopies of - his savings accounts, his bank and credit card statements, his salary slips, his pension details, investments, the mortgage, the bills, and any other financial information you can find. Give these to someone who will keep them safe and you know you can trust not to tell him. (and don't let him find them on your phone, which is why photocopies are safer.) A friend of mine who did this when her DH was being difficult over money and wasn't paying enough for her to run the house and look after herself and the children, found out he had bought a second property and had a girlfriend installed there (not paying rent, of course) and was buying her jewellery and clothes etc. When she tried to have a sensible conversation about sharing money more equally, he waited until she was out and then removed all his personal financial paperwork to his office - but by then she knew what was up and was able to prove it. When she finally gave up trying trying to work it out with him and began divorce proceedings, he lied on all his financial statements to try and leave her with very little, but she had the evidence and he didn't get away with it. Sorry OP but it's often par for the course.

Scholes34 · 01/10/2017 18:23

Perhaps a frank conversation is needed before the OP thinks about instigating divorce proceedings? Does she want to LTB, or just get things clear in her mind before talking things through?

MissCommunication · 01/10/2017 18:33

Wow op I was about to post about my own situation and read this. Some of the things you say could very easily have come out ofyour DH's mouth...I have asked him several times if we can sit down and talk about the household money because I'm always short and have to either dip into meagre savings or ask for extra...he says that I should be responsible for it (I have so little time to sit down and do spreadsheets...it's impossible with DC arund) and that there's no point in talking to me about money because I get frustrated and cross and "can'tbe bothered". No suggestions but based on lovely mn responsesto my threads this sounds like FA.

Goodluck x

Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon · 01/10/2017 18:41

Does he know how much things cost ?

E.g. How much electric costs a month etc how much food is. Petrol etc

Can you try sit down and show him things cost X pounds and although it may have worked years ago it doesn't now

Maybe he just doesn't know. And maybe your worse with money than you thought.

Would you be happier to pay him X amount each month instead so he can manage it and you manage your own remainder ?

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread