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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to get a 'proper' job?

97 replies

Perfectday78 · 30/09/2017 10:06

Basically we are relocating to the coast and I currently have my own business, I will loose my clients when we eventually move but I intend to set up again and get new clients.
But DH keeps saying 'when we move you can get a proper job' I haven't been employed by anyone else since DD was born 13 yrs ago and I was made redundant when on maternity leave. It made more financial sense for me to be a sahm and we now have 2 DC, one at secondary and the other in year 6.
AIBU not to want a proper job and rebuild my business instead? The only jobs I could get would be supermarket or unskilled as I don't have any real qualifications. I make good money being self employed...not loads but enough to pay all the food bills, petrol and household items etc and we aren't skint.
I'd probably earn less being employed by someone else and being self employed fits around school hrs.
I don't mind getting a qualification to get a more well paid job as both kids will be in secondary school next sept and I won't be as needed.
But I genuinely like my work, enjoy choosing my hours and having evenings and weekends free if I want.
Am I a cowbag? DH is making me feel a bit lazy to be honest and I'm genuinely wondering if I am or if maybe he just feels a bit jealous/fed up that he's the main earner?

Sorry for the long ramblings lol

OP posts:

zippydoodaar · 30/09/2017 14:07

People don't necessarily progress even in long term permanent jobs.

There are a LOT of poor quality jobs out there at the moment which is even more reason to do something you enjoy.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 30/09/2017 14:15

Gosh so many people on this thread that are completely unable to extrapolate beyond their own experience plus those who take person offence at people who have made different choices as if it were a direct criticism of them! Then there's those who can't read and/or add up. It's a veritable microcosm of small mindedness

Op, I can see where you are coming from. I can also see why your dh talks about a proper job - we're conditioned to think of anything with an employer as proper. You might find it useful to work out how much you earn and then add on all the associated costs of being at work that you don't currently incur? So take your current average earnings and add on the cost of holiday and wrap around childcare etc etc to see what you would have to earn after tax, then work out what sort of gross salary that would be. Suddenly that "proper job" may not look so appealing and if it's supermarket work then it might actually be impossible.

I bet your dh just hasn't thought about the reality. Give him a couple of figures to think about along the line of "you do realise that I would need to earn £xxxxx to make the same as I do now and to pay for the extra childcare? Plus you would have to do more of ABC because I won't be able to choose when I work. The going rate for work round here is only £YYYY so I think it's probably better to try to set up the business again".

If you have a website or Facebook page you could get people to give you ratings and testimonials so that when you move area you can just update your location and add on the boarding option. Plus doing work you love is very important.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 30/09/2017 14:18

There's no reason why the op can't pay into a pension if she wants to. A 2% employer contribution on a £10k annual salary is only £200pa. Even if it was 5% employer contribution that's only £500pa. She could probably make more money per hour dog walking that would cover the additional cost and then some.

Plus there are tax benefits to paying into a pension so that what you contribute is effectively topped up by the government.

orlantina · 30/09/2017 14:32

Indeed. Saying that, I am glad I have got a more secure job now as self employment means I have to rely on myself for getting work and I was finding that hard.

I now have a mixture of employed and self employed. Income in lots of different baskets. So should one basket suffer difficulties, other baskets are available....

Hopefully

LegoShmego · 30/09/2017 15:36

Op I'm in a similar situation to you, with a dh who feels the same. My job isn't a proper one as I can pick & choose the days I work, and shock horror I enjoy my job!
I had a chat with dh as I think he didn't realise what childcare costs were!
In my job I do have to rely on childcare, but I can take all of the term holidays off, which saves us a fortune!

gandalf456 · 30/09/2017 18:12

Working around the school is not that short term. They are there long enough and I have a 5 year age gap, too, which makes it even longer. People always take the long view but what is the point in being in a situation which is expensive and full of hassle for 10-15 years. If you find the juggle easy and worth it for a career then all good but not everyone does. People also say it's not fair on dh but I honestly think it's harder stress wise if both partners are full time

Ttbb · 30/09/2017 18:14

Is unskilled labour really a 'proper' job? If you think that you can earn more money rebuilding your business or retraining for qualified work then you would be unreasonable not to.

Vitalogy · 30/09/2017 18:18

I think he's jealous OP. Could he join you in the dog walking, double the amount of dogs.

Vitalogy · 30/09/2017 18:20

Is unskilled labour really a 'proper' job? Yes

NoMapOfMyHead · 30/09/2017 18:22

I'm also unsure of what is meant by unfair on dh?.... Wouldn't he be doing his job regardless whether the were kids involved, or if op was doing a fulltime wellpaid role?

NoMapOfMyHead · 30/09/2017 18:24

Yes ttbb.... many places wouldn't survive without the unskilled labour.... caretakers, cleaners, porters etc and those jobs are fucking hardwork

gandalf456 · 30/09/2017 18:41

Yes he would but sometimes their noses are put out of joint if the women are not working or part time. They feel as if they drew the short straw. In some ways, I can understand that the pressure of being responsible for the bulk of the money is hard. But it works both ways. I find the juggle of part time and children and being responsible for all things house hard too and not always feeling appreciated for it doubly difficult hence the soap box !

NoMapOfMyHead · 30/09/2017 19:00

Yeah I guess so gandalf

Original poster

Perfectday78 · 30/09/2017 20:43

So we had a proper talk. He really didn't mean to undermine the business I built up and felt really bad, he said he's always been so proud that I've managed to make money whilst looking after the kids even if I am sh*t at housework...he also acknowledges he is also crap at the boring household jobs.
He is a massive worrier about money and I've realised that I am bu to live in my happy little bubble when he stresses out. He doesn't need to, we are finically secure but he's a 'what if' worrier.
So it's not fair on him, we've decided that I will continue to rebuild my business when we first move, get the kids settled etc and I'm going to look into courses to get a better paid more financially secure job when our youngest goes into secondary school in a year.
It's a win win all round, more money, him less stressed, me feeling more useful and having a more secure job and hopefully I can afford a cleaner....and a dog walker to walk my two dogs! Lol

Thanks for all the helpful comments :)

OP posts:

verystressedmum · 01/10/2017 00:09

Glad you had a talk with him because you do have a proper job and have an income whilst looking after the children and the home.

I have a small business that I built up and work from home I make about £1000 proof per month sometimes more in busy periods and I can be at home for the dcs.
I do feel that people don't think it's a proper job although dh realised what I try to do, but it's still hard to juggle, I was a lot more organised when I went out to work.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/10/2017 00:19

I'm glad you've had a good talk & feel better about things.

However, if I were you I'd look at making the business work more efficiently, the boarding aspect & the doggy day care side of things. You could build up a very good business.

IME kids really benefit from having a parent at home (even more so at Seniors than Juniors). Not everyone can (or wants to), but if you can & you want to, I think it's good for them.

HelenaDove · 01/10/2017 00:53

gandalf have a read of this.

www.redonline.co.uk/red-women/news-in-brief/women-arent-nagswere-just-fed-up

Original poster

Perfectday78 · 01/10/2017 01:06

We did say that if my business made more money incorporating dog daycare and boarding then obviously it wouldn't be sensible swapping all that that for a job where I had no control over hrs and holidays etc
He was genuinely upset that he came across at being an arse...don't get me wrong he often is an arse but he's my arse...and to be honest I'm probably more of an arse than he is lol
He is my best friend....what is the saying....my lobster?
Once again, thanks to everyone who replied, it's great to see every side of the story, very helpful...especially made me look at the situation from his point of view. It must be so stressful being the main earner ....not more important at all but just a different level of stress x

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/10/2017 01:21

...lobster? ...

😂 Not heard that one.

It all sounds very good. See, that's what you get for talking like grown ups 😊😊

HelenaDove · 01/10/2017 01:36

Its from Friends Annie.

Toomanypackingboxes · 01/10/2017 02:04

Damm, I've been paying my dog walker good money for walking my dog and doing dog and cat sitting for me. I shall need to tell her that as it isn't a proper job I won't be paying her. She will need to let the assistant she recently hired know that she doesn't have a proper job either. Of course currently she is having an overseas holiday but as soon as she gets back!!

AppalachianWalzing · 01/10/2017 08:47

A slightly random suggestion but would you consider training in dog grooming to offer alongside the walking, etc? Where I live there are a few dog-focused places that have sprung up- dog-friendly cafe, dog groomers that offer doggy clothes, treats, etc.

If there's space in your new house, and it's something you could offer, you could even combine it with daycare- drop your dog off, return to find them groomed and ready to go. They charge a fair amount, so I assume rate of return is higher that dog walking. Could be a way to expand your business and increase your profit margin.

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