To not want to get a 'proper' job?

[Perfectday78]

Basically we are relocating to the coast and I currently have my own business, I will loose my clients when we eventually move but I intend to set up again and get new clients.
But DH keeps saying 'when we move you can get a proper job' I haven't been employed by anyone else since DD was born 13 yrs ago and I was made redundant when on maternity leave. It made more financial sense for me to be a sahm and we now have 2 DC, one at secondary and the other in year 6.
AIBU not to want a proper job and rebuild my business instead? The only jobs I could get would be supermarket or unskilled as I don't have any real qualifications. I make good money being self employed...not loads but enough to pay all the food bills, petrol and household items etc and we aren't skint.
I'd probably earn less being employed by someone else and being self employed fits around school hrs.
I don't mind getting a qualification to get a more well paid job as both kids will be in secondary school next sept and I won't be as needed.
But I genuinely like my work, enjoy choosing my hours and having evenings and weekends free if I want.
Am I a cowbag? DH is making me feel a bit lazy to be honest and I'm genuinely wondering if I am or if maybe he just feels a bit jealous/fed up that he's the main earner?

Sorry for the long ramblings lol

Would it be an idea to draw up a full business plan showing your market research, financial forecasts, benefits to the whole family of being freelance in terms of what you will save in childcare costs etc etc.

Present it to him, just like you would in a "proper job."

Compare it to the average supermarket job, including sick pay holiday pay etc. But factoring in the extra childcare, travelling etc.

Show him that your business is just as "proper."

Yes but someone is doing the childcare if you work ft. Op has already said she doesn't have the earning power to cover the cost. A lot of men dont factor that in as a family saving when their wives work around school

Is you new house likely to get planning permission or doggy daycare?

In real terms, i would need to factor in £10 per day at least plus around £100 per week in the holidays. A new job would need to cover that and be worth it financially and logistically

We use a lady, who does daycare and boarding as well as visits etc. She is doing ever so well. If you have a bigger house and garden, perhaps considering boarding as an option could be good. She charges £20 a night and double for bank holidays, £15 for daycare. She has recently added a conservatory to her house to house the dogs.

Great business. I'm sure you wouldn't rather be stacking shelves.

In real terms, i would need to factor in £10 per day at least plus around £100 per week in the holidays. A new job would need to cover that and be worth it financially and logistically

It doesn't work like that. Childcare is a shared cost.

When I had my 2nd child our childcare bill was more than my salary. As my children are older and my salary increased that changed. My children are now late teens and I earn a lot of money, none of that would have been possible if I had given up work.

You need to agree your joint aims and values and make a decision based on that. We both agreed that we wanted our own careers and worked together to make that happen (we took turns at moving up the ladder)

For example, We agreed when we aim to retire and worked back from that. If only 1 person was working full time and a high earner then the we would not be able to realise that goal etc (just an example of the areas that we discussed). We agreed that our children would leave university with no debt etc etc. So we have set common financial goals and agreed joint responsibility to achieve them

I am not saying that what we do is right- other people make decisions to do other things, for example 1 parent to stay ay home to care for the children. That is fine as well

What maters is that you have discussed it and that you have the same goals. It sounds like you and your DH are not on the same page about what you want.

He is not fed up at all, he's recently changed departments too and has better shifts and more time off.
We've never been more financially stable or happy with life in general hence finally moving to the sea like we've always wanted to do. We've been together 20 years and work well together sharing responsibilies.

Life is too short, recently lost several family members, have had health problems myself (nothing major just few minor surgeries-no time off work needed) and DM having breast cancer and now moving abroad.

Perhaps I'm being selfish but my business fits in perfectly with the kids and DH, I love it and the money is just right. We have weekends together and moving to the coast I'd like to be spending more time with them not less.

I've worked In supermarkets/shops/railway and worked up to supervisor level and remember well the stress and mixed shifts, I'm happy to do it all again if needed.
I've actually looked at the jobs in the area and there is honestly nothing at the moment except a night shift and care work which again includes night shifts. DH has to leave early for work and I'm not leaving the kids home alone especially in a new area where we don't know anyone. I certainly can't expect them to get themselves ready and off to their new schools for a while anyway and both are a bus ride away so it's not a case of walking down the road.
When my youngest is older yes but certainly not now.

I'll talk to him tonight and we will sort it out properly. Perhaps he doesn't realise he makes me feel inadequate for referring to my business that I'm proud of 'as not a proper job' I also know I need to do more around the house, perhaps this is the root of the problem?
I like to relax at the weekends rather than do poxy housework lol but I set time aside to do more boring stuff haha :)

Does he realise how much you enjoy your business or does he think you do it because you have to because you can't do anything else because of childcare limitations?
He might be labouring under the misapprehension that you have been biding time until your in a position to go out and work as an employee especially if he enjoys his work.
In which case you need to put him straight and let him know that not only does your business make money but you feel happy and fulfilled by it in a way another job just wouldn't be able to replicate.
Giving your husband the benefit of the doubt he may feel like he is helping you to live the life you want not realising that actually you're happy as you are.

I know childcare is a shared cost but what I am saying is that there is no point if, overall, there is less money in the family pot if you work ft - especially if you are not looking for a career and just a job

Do you mean he wants everything done because you are finished by 3? I think he needs to be a bit realistic. There's not that much time - just a bit of hoovering laundry then going on to cook which should also count as should seeing to whatever the kids need after school such as homework

I would chose being self employed over working for someone any day, even more so in your situation. Even if someone offered me a better payed job I would rather earn less and be self employed. Being able to fit work around the kids, take holiday when you chose and not have to pay for child care makes it so much more desirable. As long as you can afford it (as t may take a while to build up customers) then I think it will be fine and DH is being unreasonable.

Being able to fit work around the kids, take holiday when you chose and not have to pay for child care makes it so much more desirable

OTOH - if you are not earning because you have the children to look after, it is costing the family unit money.

I am a mixture of self employed and employed. It definitely costs me money when I am not able to do my self employed job because my DS is with me. That's just being a parent and I wouldn't have it any other way. However, you can definitely see how it affects your income as you aren't able to work.

Hopefully a chat with him will get this sorted out. I hope he just means you'll gave that option if you'd prefer & he hasnt actually thought about the full impact of it. Many 'breadwinners' don't, they simply see the income potential of the second person without factoring in the changes they would need to make. It's actually pretty disrespectful towards the 'at home' parent & shows how little they appreciate what the SAHP actually does.

If he's 'embarrassed' that you're not one of the 'earning shitloads wives' then he's a shallow git, but also a stupid selfish git. He married you because he loved you & you haven't changed. It's not as if you were career orientated & earning loads of money & decided to give it up.

Don't study or get a different job to 'show' anything, only do that if you genuinely want to.

On another tangent. I think you need to look at your rates or how you are working. If you are working 9:30-3:30 without barely a break and only getting £100-£150 pw something is drastically wrong.

What is your hourly rate, op? (i.e. the amount of money you are actually bringing divided by the number of hours you are actually working).

Also, I'd happily do a bit more of my 'job' and pay someone to clean. So if it transpires his issue is the lack of housework being done & you don't want to do it, then pay a cleaner & work a couple more hours to cover it or get him to pay for it.

You say you don't have a joint account, do you know what he earns? What the bills he pays are? What money he us left with? How does that compare to what you are left with?

I think a 'proper' job is one that either comes with loads of stress and responsibility or one that you hate. Otherwise you're not suffering enough, and some people don't like that.

In my opinion you've found a job you really like, so that is the ultimate in having a successful life.

You won't make more money working part-time in a supermarket but you will be more miserable.

If money is an issue he is NBU to want you to earn more.

maybe he just feels a bit jealous/fed up that he's the main earner?

Even if he does, OP has been clear that her getting a 'proper' job wouldn't make him not be that.

Can't see that you're BU here OP no. If you get £100-£150 most weeks, with a few quiet ones, that's about £450 a month with no wraparound childcare costs. I'm also going to hazard a guess you do the holidays as well, and you mention DH doing shifts and having to leave early which suggests his hours aren't regular 9-5 type. Probably neither would yours be in a supermarket. But the money you bring in is none too shabby as an after childcare income, which it effectively is (yes I know it's a shared expense, but when doing the calculation on a how much will working bring in basis, this is a perfectly sensible way to do it).

It just seems illogical to want to give up a business that fits round family life and has potential to develop, for something that isn't the former, might not be the latter and will pay you less money. I am not sure he's really thought about it.

I think a 'proper' job is one that either comes with loads of stress and responsibility or one that you hate. Otherwise you're not suffering enough, and some people don't like that.

^ this

A "proper job" IMO is one that pays the bills.

So you think that as a family you have plenty money: does he agree?

Do you have savings? Your pension sorted? Does the financial position depend on him being well and earning at least as much as he does now?

I know childcare is a shared cost but what I am saying is that there is no point if, overall, there is less money in the family pot if you work ft - especially if you are not looking for a career and just a job

But that is a short-term view. Even with just a 'job' you tend to earn more and progress the longer you work somewhere.

There may be less money for a short time but then much more money for a longer time.

I would chose being self employed over working for someone any day, even more so in your situation.

Fine as long a you are investing heavily in your pension etc. Otherwise you risk having a vey low income when you retire. You also need good critical illness cover etc.

Fine as long a you are investing heavily in your pension etc. Otherwise you risk having a vey low income when you retire. You also need good critical illness cover

Same applies for working for a company as well. Have to hope they offer decent sick pay and provide a pension.

Even with just a 'job' you tend to earn more and progress the longer you work somewhere

If you want to progress. Some people are happy doing what they do without feeling the need to progress. If you want to progress, then working for yourself doesn't really offer that - unless you decide to employ someone and then you've progressed to becoming an employer.

There's no 'tend to'. Some people do, some people don't. OP might, since she was at supervisor level before, but there's no guarantee of this. The pension point is well made, but equally, OP won't be building a very good one in a zero hour Asda contract either.

Honestly OP the fact that the only work available seems to be night shifts would be enough for me to point blank refuse. The house won't be any tidier either, because instead of working during the day you'll be sleeping!