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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to cancel an event I said I'd host?

53 replies

TickleMyTodger · 29/09/2017 17:45

NC and I'll keep it as brief as possible.

Years ago I used to be a full time DJ and as such friends and family still ask me to do the odd "night" here and there (still have all my gear)

I probably do about 4 events a year now, strictly for friends and family, not for pay, just because it helps them out (in other words I do not charge for these few and far between events)

Several months ago I did an 18th birthday party for some very good friends of mine (for their daughter) at their own place (big place, huge garden bash etc)

The fathers partner asked me to do the gig for his 50th (surprise party at the local pub) and I agreed straight away. I did so under the impression it would just be the usual Friday night drinkies with some tunes and lighting thrown in as a bit of a laugh (have done similar for them before) but now the event is drawing near I have since found out (through talking to said fathers partner and the pub landlord) that this is actually a fairly organised event with a shitload of people invited, from far and wide and that I will be expected to do the event "properly" (for lack of a better word)

I wasn't expecting this and TBH I really don't fancy it. By "properly" I mean not too much boozing, and generally being a professional DJ. I hadn't anticipated this, I thought it would basically be a piss-up with friends at the local with a bit of a boogie (again, this is the only capacity I DJ in these days)

I am fully capable of doing the job in the way they expect, but it wasn't what I'd bargained on (and with fair reason)

I'd feel like an arse hole if I cancelled but I just don't fancy it. I know some people will tell me I should do it given that I have the capacity but I feel the situation/expectations weren't made particularly clear. Normally when I do events for them I can join in the party and have a drink and it's no big deal etc, all just a bit of fun. This has transformed into something else.

Am I an arse hole for wanting to cancel?

OP posts:
sonjadog · 29/09/2017 17:46

Depends how long it is to the event.

RedHelenB · 29/09/2017 17:47

Explain how you feel and see what they say? Would you do it if you were oahd?

sausagerole · 29/09/2017 17:47

Hmm, it's a tricky one. I totally think you're right to feel peeved and like you don't want to do it. Whether that should actually translate into not doing it though, I don't know. When is the event? Would you be happy to do it as a professional if they paid you?

Monkeypuzzle32 · 29/09/2017 17:48

No I don't think you are-it's a big ask from your friend but think about how you're going to approach him about it-what do you think his reaction would be if you told him you were expecting it to be a relaxed drinking night rather than a 'proper night'?

FrogFairy · 29/09/2017 17:49

If they want a professional gig then they should pay the appropriate fee.

cariadlet · 29/09/2017 17:50

The father's partner is really cheeky to expect you to host in that way. I think you should remind them that these days you only dj for fun, that you've done fun djing for them before, that you want to be able to have a drink and a laugh.

Put the ball back in the partner's court. They can have your services for free if they're happy for your usual style or they can pay proper prices for somebody to come in and host it "properly".

Say you'll be really happy whichever option they choose, but those are the 2 options that they get.

GwenStaceyRocks · 29/09/2017 17:51

Have a chat with them. Since they know all the people they're inviting, they might not see it as a 'proper' event and think it's fine for you to do what you usually do.
Otherwise, whether you are being UR or not, depends on how soon the event is.

Worriedrose · 29/09/2017 17:52

Can't you just talk to them and explain as it's for free you want to be able to relax and have a drink etc, and you won't be all that professional, as it's no longer your profession

And suggest if they want something really professional maybe they should look for someone else?

Though if its soon, I'm not sure I would leave them in the lurch and would just suck it up

Original poster
TickleMyTodger · 29/09/2017 17:54

It really isn't about the money. I wouldn't dream of charging them even if I'd known this was what they wanted. It's just not what I was expecting (and I agreed to it on the fair assumption that it would be casual)

The event is 2 weeks today but I've only just found out about the expectations.

OP posts:
Worriedrose · 29/09/2017 17:57

Hmmm
2 weeks is close. It's a surprise birthday for a very good friend
I would probably do it, and then not offer to again. Or stipulate that you're doing it casually.
Sorry, don't think you can duck out now without a HUGE fallout

GwenStaceyRocks · 29/09/2017 17:57

You need to speak to them. tbh 2 weeks is very short notice. Unless you can suggest someone else (a former colleague) who has availability? If so, then do what a PP said and explain you can do it for free in your usual style or you can put them in touch with your colleague who charges £x.
tbh if I was them, I would be pissed off with you. You should have checked all the details before you agreed to it.

honeyroar · 29/09/2017 17:59

It would be pretty low to drop them two weeks before the event. Can you talk to them, tell them you're expecting to do this DJing as a guest, being involved in the celebrations and having a by of fun too? Tell them that if they want more than at they need to find someone else to at least do some of it.

Joinourclub · 29/09/2017 18:00

Is there anyone else in your social group who fancies a spin on the decks ( and who you'd allow in your equipment). When my mates have a party the dj'ing is never left to just one person.

Maybe say that you have an hour set planned and what do they plan for music once that's over, do they want you to do a playlist on Spotify for them or will somebody else be taking over?

LonginesPrime · 29/09/2017 18:01

Could you talk to them and explain that you didn't expect that you would be the main feature and therefore would need to do far more prep for it than you were anticipating?

Alanna1 · 29/09/2017 18:02

Do you know someone you could suggest in your place? Or ask that they pay a professional for some of it?

Spadequeen · 29/09/2017 18:02

I think you need to talk to them about their expectations and let them know this is not what you agreed to.

Original poster
TickleMyTodger · 29/09/2017 18:07

Some very well reasoned responses. cariadlet seems to have it nailed, as do others.

Just to clear up any confusion I will under NO circumstances drop them (well, her as it's her request) in the shit, I'll do it but I just feel a bit miffed. I've looked back through some of the messages about it since the request and there is nothing to indicate she wants anything other than my "normal" arsing around event - which is free.

OP posts:
2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 29/09/2017 18:08

No , no , no , OP forget the advice above ( bar one ) and go and read the Cheeky Fucker thread. You have been stitched up by a CF. Period.
Time and time again on that thread , examples of cheeeky fuckery met by "oh alright just this time then."

So go back to them . Explain you can do what you usually do but it won't be "professional " and that is what was always on offer despite any misunderstanding you have heard third hand recently "that can't have been right surely? "

picklemepopcorn · 29/09/2017 18:12

Remind them that you just do it for fun now, that it won't be a professional event, and that you are surprised at the size of it.

picklemepopcorn · 29/09/2017 18:13

Refer to yourself as a friend helping out, sticking a few tracks on, however you can describe it that downplays your role.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 29/09/2017 18:15

Was the 18th event an arsing around one?

Deemail · 29/09/2017 18:17

Send a reply all bright and breezy with lots of smiley faces. Tell her you only do what she saw at the 18th but it's no issue if she'd prefer to book someone else who will provide what she's after
She's cheeky and manipulating, one free event wasn't enough now she wants a second with bells on.

expatinscotland · 29/09/2017 18:17

Get on the horn to them now. What caria said.

SpringBreak · 29/09/2017 18:18

I think there's a serious misconception about what a dj does and how easy it is, or the preparation required and the reading of the room / making and building the atmosphere in the room. They've had one free set from you for their daughter, and were pretty to ask for more. I'd guess that it's at least £900 worth of freebie they're expecting from you- it's a lot. Perhaps speak to the wife under the guise of asking what should be in your box on the night and make it crystal clear in that call that they're getting the low key friends set . If there's any push back, give them the number of someone who is better placed to give them what they want

pinkdelight · 29/09/2017 18:19

Just take some control, communicate and clarify the situation. There's no need to cancel it. Say what you'll do and if that's not what they want, that's their problem. They were wrong to assume you'd do anything other than what they've experienced from you before, so just politely set them straight. You'll play some tunes, have a drink and a laugh, as usual. If they want more than that, they need to hire someone who does that. But going straight to cancelling because you don't fancy it is extreme.

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