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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to cancel an event I said I'd host?

53 replies

TickleMyTodger · 29/09/2017 17:45

NC and I'll keep it as brief as possible.

Years ago I used to be a full time DJ and as such friends and family still ask me to do the odd "night" here and there (still have all my gear)

I probably do about 4 events a year now, strictly for friends and family, not for pay, just because it helps them out (in other words I do not charge for these few and far between events)

Several months ago I did an 18th birthday party for some very good friends of mine (for their daughter) at their own place (big place, huge garden bash etc)

The fathers partner asked me to do the gig for his 50th (surprise party at the local pub) and I agreed straight away. I did so under the impression it would just be the usual Friday night drinkies with some tunes and lighting thrown in as a bit of a laugh (have done similar for them before) but now the event is drawing near I have since found out (through talking to said fathers partner and the pub landlord) that this is actually a fairly organised event with a shitload of people invited, from far and wide and that I will be expected to do the event "properly" (for lack of a better word)

I wasn't expecting this and TBH I really don't fancy it. By "properly" I mean not too much boozing, and generally being a professional DJ. I hadn't anticipated this, I thought it would basically be a piss-up with friends at the local with a bit of a boogie (again, this is the only capacity I DJ in these days)

I am fully capable of doing the job in the way they expect, but it wasn't what I'd bargained on (and with fair reason)

I'd feel like an arse hole if I cancelled but I just don't fancy it. I know some people will tell me I should do it given that I have the capacity but I feel the situation/expectations weren't made particularly clear. Normally when I do events for them I can join in the party and have a drink and it's no big deal etc, all just a bit of fun. This has transformed into something else.

Am I an arse hole for wanting to cancel?

OP posts:
LittleBooInABox · 29/09/2017 18:21

My family are a family of DJ's I feel your pain about this kind of thing. In my mind if they are not paying for your time, they don't get to dictate how it's spent. Tell them you'll do it your way or they need to find someone else to do it.

Original poster
TickleMyTodger · 29/09/2017 18:23

Was the 18th event an arsing around one?

Yeah, pretty much. We've all known each other for years and that event was at their place. I mean I did my job and tbh didn't have more than a few drinks. The birthday girl and her mates were messing around with the tunes (which I don't mind at all) and then I just "took over" when it went dark.

There will be a few people, well at least one anyway, coming who can do a bit for me but they won't want to stand behind the mixer all night any more than I do. I do have friends in the industry who could do it instead but from free to probably £300 (at least) will come as a bit of a shock.

I think the problem is she knows the kind of event I can produce (like I say, long time friends) and thinks it's easy. Maybe I'm being selfish, I don't know. I just envisaged a good old fashioned piss-up with a bit of a laugh on the music front.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 29/09/2017 18:26

Can't you email along the lines of, 'As you know, these days I'm a low key, 'join in the party' kind of dj, just for friends. The sort of thing I did for your 18th. I should give you the heads up that that's all I'm doing now as I've retired from the big gigs. I'm realising you have different expectations following your recent messages...I won't be at all offended if you feel you'd rather use someone more suited. Let me know as I'd hate to disappoint you on the night. Cheers, Tickle'.

notonthestairs · 29/09/2017 18:27

What pinkdelight said, But be prepared for them to say "yes, yes Tickle we want your relaxed version of* and then on the night find that they want the professional/paid for version.

notonthestairs · 29/09/2017 18:27

Matilda's email is perfect for getting the message over - and better to have in writing!

DontTouchTheMoustache · 29/09/2017 18:27

Where have you heard about these "expectations "? Unless its from the horses mouth at this point it is hearsay. You need to have a polite but frank chat to make sure everyone is on the same page.

Original poster
TickleMyTodger · 29/09/2017 18:36

You guys are right, I do need to talk to her about this. As it happens I'll be seeing her tomorrow anyway as I'm doing some other work for them so I'll raise the subject.

Oh and yes I have heard from the proverbial horses mouth, she wants the full works (laser lighting, projection system (for embarrassing him with baby photos I assume) and fireworks in the beer garden (I have a pyrotechnics licence)

The landlord who I spoke to Wednesday evening said with the amount of people invited the venue is already over capacity. It's not a huge pub, decent sized function room but with the amount of people invited (even if half of them don't turn up) it's going to be rammed and I'll have to keep a close eye on my gear at all times.

I just think the whole thing is out of hand by comparison to what I was expecting.

OP posts:
Whinesalot · 29/09/2017 18:43

yeah just tell her you are a bit worried as it sounds bigger than you expected.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/09/2017 18:56

My friend 'you are being had', as they say, she is chancing her arm. Have a word with her, or follow the advice of MatildaTheCat.
It is better to get it sorted now, than risk a good friendship.

LonginesPrime · 29/09/2017 18:59

I'll be seeing her tomorrow anyway as I'm doing some other work for them

Oh, OP...

Hisnamesblaine · 29/09/2017 19:00

Christ does she really expect all you've described to be done for free? What a chancer!

Original poster
TickleMyTodger · 29/09/2017 19:08

LonginesPrime

Ha no that's paid work (I'm an electrician)

Thanks for all the responses. I just find it a tricky situation. I'll probably end up just doing it to avoid conflict (had quite enough of that in my life already) maybe it'll even be fun but I think after that I'll be saying no.

OP posts:
AtSea1979 · 29/09/2017 19:15

I hope they are at least providing the fireworks etc. Tell them they need to hire someone to keep an eye on things. Maybe she's anticipating people will just be popping in for an hour at different times rather than rammed all night? (clutching at straws!). Just be honest and tell her you're worried it's got out of hand and it's not your remit anymore.

youhavetobekidding · 29/09/2017 19:19

I think YABU. They asked, you agreed. That was your opportunity to spell out what you would be willing to do as a favour.

shopthenewcollection · 29/09/2017 19:23

No you can't do all that! What a liberty, you sound too easy going and they are taking advantage, think you need to be polite but firm. They can spend £300 if they want but for someone to do the thing professionally not just as a mate.

Hisnamesblaine · 29/09/2017 19:30

Surely the fireworks cost alone would be steep? At this rate it'll be costing you £££!

sonjadog · 29/09/2017 19:46

I think you should have a chat with her tomorrow and make it clear what you do now and that you are concerned that she is expecting more than you can offer. She needs to adjust her ideas down to what you are willing to do. If you can´t face the conversation, text her.

Original poster
TickleMyTodger · 29/09/2017 20:04

I think YABU. They asked, you agreed. That was your opportunity to spell out what you would be willing to do as a favour.

Yeah, I did agree. It's like if I asked you to give me a lift when you know the only place I ever go is the local chippy. Then I get in the car with you and expect you to take me to France.

It's called moving the goalposts, if you're unfamiliar with that term then feel free to look it up.

Thanks for the replies chaps, like I said I'll be seeing her tomorrow in any case so I will talk to her more about what she expects. Regards fireworks, yes you have a point hisname - they aren't cheap in the least, I hadn't even considered that!

OP posts:
RiotAndAlarum · 29/09/2017 20:32

This person is taking a really stupid risk by trying to move the goalposts like this! What if you were to say no? The glorious "surprise party" would bring the birthday boy no joy, and her no kudos but a reputation for incompetence and even Shock using friends!

Just frame it as: 'what do you mean by trying to change things so late in the game?"

Without a brief, default "programme" is what you do. Too bad! (Also, doesn't it reflect beyyer on the birthday boy tk have an intimate party, with talented friends participating and contributing, rather than soullessly excellent corporate level entertainment, which had to be paid for?)

RiotAndAlarum · 29/09/2017 20:33

Ugh, typos, sorry!

Viviennemary · 29/09/2017 20:37

It's a bit too late to cancel IMHO. But it's still cheeky of them to expect a professional service for zero money. I agree with saying you will be doing the same set up as you did for the party they attended and will that be OK. If they say not then say then you're cancelling. So it's their choice.

mintich · 29/09/2017 20:45

I think you should do it. 2 weeks is too close to cancel

Auburn2001 · 29/09/2017 20:52

If they booked you on the strength of seeing you do your thing at the 18th birthday party then they should have said that they had different expectations there and then. Otherwise how were you to know. They haven't kept you updated but other people seem to know exactly what's happening. They can't have it both ways!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 30/09/2017 11:31

I would do it, but only, as you had planned to do it originally. No professional set up, or fireworks !
It's all to clear up afterwards, as I'm sure you'll remember.

Whocansay · 30/09/2017 11:37

I like Cariadlet's response. I'd got with that. They are taking advantage of you. You agreed to one thing and she's changed it into something else. That isn't on and it isn't fair.

If you are expected to do light shows and pyrotechnics, would you not need insurance for that?