To not let ex take the same DC out every time

[CrunchyDragonz]

I split with EXH in April part of the reason for this was that he treated our DCs very differently. He really favoured DD1 and was horrible to DS1 and pretty much ignored our younger DCs.

EX was angry at first and said he didn't want the DCs at all. He was really difficult and he even stopped paying for the DCs school so they have had to start attending a state school.

He then contacted me a month ago saying that actually he wanted to see the DCs after all but he thought we should do it with the older ones first so he gets some quality time with them.
I agreed, then he said actually he would take DD1 by herself first as he wanted to do an activity with her. I was unsure but he swore that he would take DS1 to an activity the week after and I reluctantly agreed and he took DD1 out that week.

The week after he contacted me and said that he wanted to take DD1 out again. I said no he has to take DS1 or both together but he can't take DD1 by herself again as he has other DCs he needs to take out.

He said he either took DD 1 out or he took no one so I said fine take no one. He lost his temper and started shouting. Then he hung up.

He contacted me again this week saying he wanted to take DD1 out. I said no and now he keeps texting me telling me how horrible I'm being to DD, and how she deserves nice things and a relationship with her father.

I was talking to my friend earlier and she was horrified that I was deliberately keeping DD1 from her dad. I explained what had happened but she was really upset with me and said I was being deliberately difficult because I don't like exh.

So AIBU to think he should take more than just DD1 out or should I allow DD to have a relationship with him.

I would say keep your cool and say each child deserves an equal amount of time, money and attention, so any arrangements need to be on that basis. Broken record technique.

YADNBU

It's emotional abuse to her and her siblings, hang in there. He has more than one child and all of their relationshipstuff hold be equally important

Your friend is being unreasonable. You thought he would behave this way and indeed he did. You have to weigh up what's best for all of your children. I wouldn't speak to him any further. You need written communication regarding contact, not verbal. Let him put in writing that he only wants to see one child then decline. What a bastard. Well done for leaving him.

Completely agree with Boffinmum

YADNBU.

He sounds horrible. Why does he favour DD1 so much? Is she the first one? Whatever the reason it's entirely unacceptable.

He needs to take them all every time unless there is a special occasion or specific reason he should just take one or two. He is a parent, he has had plenty of time to learn how to have all his children at once. Stop making life so easy for him.

Eek this is horrible and I can see both sides. You have to balance the one against the whole. I feel myself siding with you that the damage to he other 3? children caused by being ignored by their dad may amount to more harm than by your dd losing touch with him. I think it is still early days and you should stay firm for now as your strategy may still work also you left to get away from this.

YANBU at all.

What's his interest in DD that he doesn't have in the rest of his children? Your ex and your friend are being completely unreasonable. It's clear emotional abuse and damaging to the whole family.

This is ringing alarm bells with me!

You're not alone karatema

Your friend is being unreasonable and your exDH is not behaving like a caring parent.

Same Karatema

Keep that 'friend' at arms length, and get advice from the NSPCC. Theres nothing normal or OK about your ex DP's behaviour.

DD1 is our eldest and she is very girly and fit ex's stereotypes of how girls should be. Whereas DS1 doesn't fit exs view of what a boy should be and the other 3 are too young to be interesting to him.

How do the other children feel about all this? How does your dd feel? I think I'd say you need to say to him the arrangement happens in the contact centre with all dc. Because you promoting sole contact with one would create such an unhealthy dynamic between between the dc.

This does not sit right at all, I would be concerned for several reasons

How old are your children ? I would say no ! time spent with them all Or not at all

I agree with the previous poster, this sends alarm bells ringing. How old is DD?

I'm baffled that you have both an exDH and a friend who think this kind of cruelty and mental abuse of all the DCs is OK?!

Ditch the friend, she sounds sus...is she also still friends with your ex?

she is very girly and fit ex's stereotypes of how girls should be.

That's worrying.

I'm afraid I also heard alarm bells too. How old is DD1?

I've changed my mind now. He should see none of them.

Being the 'special one' will harm DD1 at least as much as her siblings. I agree with pp OP, he should take all or none and supervised contact doesn't sound like such a bad idea either.

Well done for getting away from him!

It's abusive to all the children. It's very, very damaging in different ways, but damaging to all. Your friend is a fool. There is no way you should facilitate division and favouritism among your children.