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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let ex take the same DC out every time

74 replies

CrunchyDragonz · 28/09/2017 20:56

I split with EXH in April part of the reason for this was that he treated our DCs very differently. He really favoured DD1 and was horrible to DS1 and pretty much ignored our younger DCs.

EX was angry at first and said he didn't want the DCs at all. He was really difficult and he even stopped paying for the DCs school so they have had to start attending a state school.

He then contacted me a month ago saying that actually he wanted to see the DCs after all but he thought we should do it with the older ones first so he gets some quality time with them.
I agreed, then he said actually he would take DD1 by herself first as he wanted to do an activity with her. I was unsure but he swore that he would take DS1 to an activity the week after and I reluctantly agreed and he took DD1 out that week.

The week after he contacted me and said that he wanted to take DD1 out again. I said no he has to take DS1 or both together but he can't take DD1 by herself again as he has other DCs he needs to take out.

He said he either took DD 1 out or he took no one so I said fine take no one. He lost his temper and started shouting. Then he hung up.

He contacted me again this week saying he wanted to take DD1 out. I said no and now he keeps texting me telling me how horrible I'm being to DD, and how she deserves nice things and a relationship with her father.

I was talking to my friend earlier and she was horrified that I was deliberately keeping DD1 from her dad. I explained what had happened but she was really upset with me and said I was being deliberately difficult because I don't like exh.

So AIBU to think he should take more than just DD1 out or should I allow DD to have a relationship with him.

OP posts:
Dairymilkmuncher · 28/09/2017 22:12

He sounds like a weirdo I wouldn't be letting him near any of the kids. He obviously doesn't have their best interest at heart.

I am usually all for fathers having fair contact by the way in a lot of different circumstances but this is strange...

Pearlsaringer · 28/09/2017 22:13

Very odd, very creepy. Do not allow this.

Original poster
CrunchyDragonz · 28/09/2017 22:17

Shit, if it's that how do I find out? I don't want to freak DD1 out asking her. But if it is I need to know.
DD1 loves seeing him.
He has always favoured DD1 in that he spends lots more money on her and spoils her and is nicer to her than he is to everyone else.
He never spent much time alone with her though. I always did all the stuff with the kids so he never really had alone time with any of them till he took her out the other week.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrunchyDragonz · 28/09/2017 22:20

He took her shopping for new clothes and then back to his for dinner then he dropped her home.

She talked about and showed us all the stuff he bought her but didn't go into detail about the rest of the day.

OP posts:
BrieAndChilli · 28/09/2017 22:20

I'm adopted and at the adoption hearing my biological father went to court to try and keep me but none of my younger sisters. It was looked upon as very dodgy that he only wanted me and none of the others.
Reading your post has made me very very incomfortable

Italiangreyhound · 28/09/2017 22:23

YADNBU.

I agree with BoffinMum and Toffeelatteplease, and kittybiscuits - get things in writing.

Your 'friend' clearly thinks that you need her advice, you do not.

I agree with DJBaggySmalls and Chillyegg. All on page one. I can't really add much. Lots of great advice on this thread.

Gemini69 · 28/09/2017 22:25

what a disgusting Father... do all your kids sit excitedly watching whilst his 'favourite' child shows her new gifts from Daddy... it's also very uncomfortable reading .. creepy and alarming..

YADNBU Lady... stop this carry on now.. and tell your dim witted friend to back the hell off...

ReanimatedSGB · 28/09/2017 22:27

Yeah, he's grooming her. And he actually hates women, so he will do her a lot of harm even if he never gets as far as physical abuse of her.
There's clearly no court order so inform him, via email, that contact in future will be supervised and involve all the children. Don't answer any phone calls from him, keep everything to email. Remember he doesn't matter, he's a dick and you have every right to protect yourself and DC from him.

Italiangreyhound · 28/09/2017 22:29

I would not let him have any of the kids unsupervised until you know he is OK to be around them.

Starlight2345 makes lots of sense,

"The people who have asked what DD thinks it is irrelevant... Not only will it damage her relationships with her siblings but the reason they don't get a say at this age is they really cannot understand the long term consequences."

and so does drspouse.

Please document your fears and worries now in a kind of diary. If your dd does ever question your choices you will, at least, have a rational of how you felt at the moment. You may not choose to show it to her ever but you will at least be able to explain.

Do distance yourself from numpty friend.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 28/09/2017 22:32

He took her clothes shopping? Hmm

Starlight2345 · 28/09/2017 22:34

I don't want to freak DD1 out asking her. But if it is I need to know.

Talk to her about the NSPCC pants.. I also talk to my DS about the only thing he should ever keep as a secret if someone tells him to is a birthday, Christmas present.. He can tell me anything without consequence..

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 28/09/2017 22:39

Don't go in all pressure questions OP. Just chat with her, relaxed conversation. Ask her things like "do all you new clothes fit, have you tried them on in the shop?" See where the conversation leads. There may be nothing at all of concern, this time. But keep the communication open and relaxed so she feels like talking and it comes naturally rather than her being quizzed. And yes to talking to her about nspcc pants. Again, relaxed conversation.

Italiangreyhound · 28/09/2017 22:40

Please get some advice before you speak to her, maybe NSPCC. You don't want to freak her out or put words in her mouth. The professionals may have ideas of how to talk about questions that are so open-ended so she will not know you want to find out about specific things and may just chat. You may wish to record what she says without her knowing but do ask the NSPCC about all this.

Gemini69 · 28/09/2017 22:46

he could also just be a DICK OP.. and prefers his DD to the others... Flowers

Autumnskiesarelovely · 28/09/2017 22:49

How hard for you all. Yes broken record. Do not get into debates, arguments. If he repeat texts ignore. If he repeats email ignore. If he phones ignore. Just state what you've wanted to say and leave it.

Sounds like you are doing pretty well.

Benedikte2 · 28/09/2017 23:13

You're a great mother OP, with more understanding re parenting in your little finger than your exH has.
As a retired professional in 2 related fields I'd advise you as others here have to document everything. Seek advice from NS PCC for signs to watch for, how to approach the subject. Do not ask her direct questions as this could later be misconstrued as "coaching" by an embittered ex wife.
It's likely you ex has tried to get your DD on his side told her not to tell you stuff because you won't understand, may get cross especially as regards things he knows you do not allow her to do. This starts the process of DD withholding information, feeling a comradeship with her DF. All very insidious.
Has your DD any non age appropriate flirtatious behaviours which Ex may have encouraged?
Take courage, stand firm and if he tries to enforce his demands it's very unlikely he'll get what he wants. Tell your "friend" her advice goes against expert advice and to back off. Your ex has abrogated responsibility for hands on parenting or even interest in 4 young children irrespective of what is going on re DD1 and you'd be correct in protecting all 5 from his influence. Good luck

User02 · 28/09/2017 23:14

I am thinking along the same lines as most posters here.
I was a favoured child but never in all my life did my dad ever buy me any item of clothing. He certainly never took me clothes shopping.

I would be interested to know if the youngest 3 are boys or girls.

He has left you to look after 5 young children on your own but he can only manage 1 child at a time and only that 1 child at any time. He is being awful to the other 4 children. I dont think you can allow this to continue. All the children will be badly affected and one child in particular could be in dire danger

Speak to NSPCC and get their opinion. So many people here have come to one conclusion and that is so telling. Also canyou print off this thread and keep it as a reason why you are not comfortable with one child being singled out.

BeachyKeen · 28/09/2017 23:27

There is so much about this that seems off.

Original poster
CrunchyDragonz · 29/09/2017 07:13

I have talked to DD before about keeping pants private and not doing anything she didn't want to, but I phrased it suggesting that if anything happened me and her dad were safe people to talk to.

She hasn't shown any signs really she is confident and very good socially. We have had the talk about puberty and where babies come from but she has never really shown that she knows other things that I haven't told her.

The younger 3 DCS are 1 boy and 2 girls.

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 29/09/2017 07:40

He has always favoured DD1 in that he spends lots more money on her and spoils her and is nicer to her than he is to everyone else

Singling her out for 'special attention', buying her affections with gifts/shopping, isolating her from her siblings etc..... his actions are designed to create division within your family unit.... to get your dd to 'pick daddy' over mummy.

Sounds like classic grooming technique to me.

PollyFlint · 29/09/2017 08:42

Everything that he is doing is nasty, creepy and abusive to everyone involved, including DD1.

Oh, and your friend needs to fuck off too.

OurMiracle1106 · 29/09/2017 08:44

I'd be telling Him that he either needs to build relationships with all or none of his children

Racingraccoons · 29/09/2017 11:02

Alarm bells are ringing....

I do hope you get to the bottom of it and that it was the best of a horrible situation (ie She’s the easiest child).

But as someone is who doing a Social Work qualification, I’m afraid it does sound like grooming.

Aridane · 29/09/2017 18:36

he could also just be a DICK OP.. and prefers his DD to the others...

This was my first reaction too

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