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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let ex take the same DC out every time

74 replies

CrunchyDragonz · 28/09/2017 20:56

I split with EXH in April part of the reason for this was that he treated our DCs very differently. He really favoured DD1 and was horrible to DS1 and pretty much ignored our younger DCs.

EX was angry at first and said he didn't want the DCs at all. He was really difficult and he even stopped paying for the DCs school so they have had to start attending a state school.

He then contacted me a month ago saying that actually he wanted to see the DCs after all but he thought we should do it with the older ones first so he gets some quality time with them.
I agreed, then he said actually he would take DD1 by herself first as he wanted to do an activity with her. I was unsure but he swore that he would take DS1 to an activity the week after and I reluctantly agreed and he took DD1 out that week.

The week after he contacted me and said that he wanted to take DD1 out again. I said no he has to take DS1 or both together but he can't take DD1 by herself again as he has other DCs he needs to take out.

He said he either took DD 1 out or he took no one so I said fine take no one. He lost his temper and started shouting. Then he hung up.

He contacted me again this week saying he wanted to take DD1 out. I said no and now he keeps texting me telling me how horrible I'm being to DD, and how she deserves nice things and a relationship with her father.

I was talking to my friend earlier and she was horrified that I was deliberately keeping DD1 from her dad. I explained what had happened but she was really upset with me and said I was being deliberately difficult because I don't like exh.

So AIBU to think he should take more than just DD1 out or should I allow DD to have a relationship with him.

OP posts:
DO3271 · 28/09/2017 21:21

Absolutely none of his behaviour is good, its damaging to all your children.

I think you need to speak to a family solicitor and soon. Oh, and distance said friend. She isn't still friendly with the ex by any chance?

Original poster
CrunchyDragonz · 28/09/2017 21:23

DD 1 is 9
DS1 is 6
The other DCs are 4,2 and 7 months old.

OP posts:
Jenala · 28/09/2017 21:25

Sounds a bit obsessive towards dd. It's weird.

How does she feel about seeing him?

hidinginthenightgarden · 28/09/2017 21:26

I am sorry but alarm bells for me too. Before I read a single comment it crossed my mind that his insistence on seeing only his DD was concerning.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 28/09/2017 21:27

How was he with DD before you split? Is this a new obsession with her?

MamaOfTwos · 28/09/2017 21:30

Another one putting the pieces together to a very unpleasant possibility- what does DD say about their relationship?

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/09/2017 21:32

You are totally doing the right thing.

How do your two eldest feel about their dad? Has the 4 yo talked about him?

gluteustothemaximus · 28/09/2017 21:34

Massive alarm bells, OP, sorry.

Even if it's not the worst case scenario, it's still awful behaviour for cutting off his other children.

Thank god you got away.

butterfly56 · 28/09/2017 21:34

There's so much wrong with this man's behaviour towards all of you.
You need to keep him away from your children especially your daughter.

Booboobooboo84 · 28/09/2017 21:35

Sorry couldn't quite focus on a reply with all the alarm bells ringing. Supervised contact with all children in a contact centre or nothing for him I'd suggest

bridgetreilly · 28/09/2017 21:36

No, no, no, no. Everything is wrong with this situation. He doesn't get to take any of them at all, unsupervised, ever.

MrsZippyLake · 28/09/2017 21:37

I’m sorry to say I am echoing the unpleasant suspicions that PPs have alluded to. Even if not true, his favouritism will damage your DD1 as much as the other DC. Personally I would withhold access to all DC.

MammaTJ · 28/09/2017 21:41

This would be bad for ALL of your DC, including DD1, if you allowed him to continue.

I feel very uncomfortable with the level of obsession with just this one child, it would hurt your younger children and it will affect DD1s relationships with her siblings.

Oh, and, the level of obsession is odd, just in case the first time I said it, it got missed!

MamaDoGood · 28/09/2017 21:41

Definite alarm bells for me too.

DancingLedge · 28/09/2017 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 28/09/2017 21:43

Is all of this discussion by email or phone? If phone try to keep to emails as much as possible, or at the very least record conversations (otherwise I fear other people's suggestions of only allowed supervised contact only might not be so useful if he takes you to court and gives a highly edited version of your conversations)

Counterpane · 28/09/2017 21:47

What activity are they supposed to be doing? Why can't her 6 year old brother go along too?

Starlight2345 · 28/09/2017 21:48

No way in hell...If anything I would tell him she is the one he has the relationship..He needs to develop one with the other child..

That is of course ignoring why an young girl is the only one of interest.

The people who have asked what DD thinks it is irrelevant... Not only will it damage her relationships with her siblings but the reason they don't get a say at this age is they really cannot understand the long term consequences.

timeisnotaline · 28/09/2017 21:52

Letting him do this is far from being fair to dd, it would be just as damaging to her! Stick to your guns, and don't confide in friend anymore.

drspouse · 28/09/2017 21:55

As well as the possibility of abuse or grooming (sorry to have to say it) there is also the possibility he's using DD to prop up his ego - if she's a "pretty", girly girl and she likes him, it is an ego boost. It is rather like a dysfunctional parent who sees their child as a substitute partner, assumes they'll always live at home, nobody is good enough for their darling.

YADNBU

Sara107 · 28/09/2017 22:05

Why does he always want to be alone with that dD? I would find that very odd. It's odd to favour one child so much compared to the others. Is he grooming her? Keep her away from him, he is not trying to parent his children - he would take them all as a family if he was.

EmilyReallyKnowsHerStuff · 28/09/2017 22:05

See on Jeremy Kyle today (mat leave, y'understand) they interviewed a mother whose daughter had been continually sexually abused by her father over many years. The mother had no idea. The only evidence was the fact that he so drastically favoured this child over the others.

Just saying...

Smarshian · 28/09/2017 22:10

This also rings alarm bells with me. I would voice concerns to nspcc and get advice on having a chat with dd about their private outings. V v worrying.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/09/2017 22:11

This is not in any of your DCs interests and I would also consider it abusive.

I would say he needs to see them all or none. And yes get things in writing. If he calls you send a follow up email confirming your conversation.

What a horrible situation for you to deal with, I'm so sorry

cluelessnewmum · 28/09/2017 22:11

Agree with pp before having read any posts that you can't rule out abuse as a reason for the favouritism - when he saw her where did they go?

It could be as the oldest she is Alot easier than the younger ones (I hope so) but agree he either needs to see all children or none at all.

I personally wouldn't allow any of your children alone with him. Is there a friend or family member who can accompany the visit (ostensibly to "help" so he can see more than one day a time).

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