AIBU to think the teacher's responses to my concerns are not good enough?

[DumbledoresPants]

Sorry for how long this is but I would really appreciate some advice.

My son has just started reception a few weeks ago. He has settled really well (my opinion as well as his teacher's).
Last week, he complained that he was "already sore from today". When questioned it emerged that another boy from his class had, completely unprovoked, decided to repeatedly punch DS and call him a baby. I asked DS if he had told a teacher which he hadn't. He said that the boy only stopped when he run to the toilets. I had to spend quite a bit of time reassuring DS as he was worried that it would happen again. I also explained that he must tell a grown up if someone is unkind to him.
Next morning, I spoke to the teacher about it who responded "well, there isn't much I can do about it as he didn't tell anyone at the time". I wasn't entirely happy but left it, thinking that maybe it's because reception children have short memories and there is little point in telling the boy off for something that he has probably forgotten about. Since then, I feel that this is not acceptable. She could have at least said she would have a chat with this child about what is acceptable and what isn't.

This week, DS came home very excited because he had been given the class' "super writing book" to write in. I asked the TA what was expected and was told "he can write anything he likes in there and if it's hard to read then you can write what it says underneath". DS wanted to write a story and as I was told he had to bring it back the next day plus I had to get on with dinner so I could get to work on time, I wrote on the page what he wanted to write so he could see how to spell the words. I was really impressed with him as he had invented his own story and written a lot for a four year old. The next day I asked him what had been said about what he had done. DS said that the TA had said that she was "sad because I can see mummy's writing there". I was not impressed as he had put a lot of effort in and then been told that with no praise for his efforts. Again, I spoke to the teacher and said I was disappointed that he had been only given negative feedback as he had put in so much effort. Her response boiled down to I shouldn't have helped him, not even with spelling as he should be trying to sound out the words himself and put a "magic line" if he wasn't sure of a letter/sound. Again, I left it even though I wasn't entirely satisfied. Firstly, the instructions of what was expected of him were entirely unclear so I think it's unfair to give him a negative response for not doing what was expected when neither he nor I knew what was expected. Secondly, he has been at school just three weeks and has only been taught five sounds (he knows more because I have taught him at home) and had only been taught about the "magic line" the day after he had been expected to do the writing. Thirdly, as a teacher myself, albeit secondary, if I could see a child had "missed the point" of what they were supposed to do but had really tried, I would praise their efforts as well as explaining what should have been done.

WIBU to express my dissatisfaction at the teacher's responses so far to the teacher herself? And if I'm NBU, should I discuss this face to face on parents evening (in two weeks time) or in an email or letter now or request a face to face appointment sooner?

YABU about the writing. The teacher wanted to see what your ds would manage to do, however little that might be, even if it was only a scribble. I'm a secondary teacher too, and it's sometimes hard to appreciate that the criteria by which we judge a piece of work is a million miles from how you'd judge a reception child's work.

They were trying to assess what your child can't do, just as much as what he can do. They can't do that if you've shown him how to write it.

Scribing is perfectly valid. Some children articulate extremely well and have very good ideas but can not put pen to paper well. Science for example is a perfectly acceptable subject to do this in. In a home learning book I'd have found it more than acceptable three week in. Op's son copying what she wrote will aid fine motor skill, pencil grip etc.

He's in school for 6 hrs a day so if they want to know what he can do they could do it during the day. Don't know why he needs to do it at home. At 4 he doesn't even need to be in school.

As it's the beginning of term, the teacher will have picked your DS as one of the first to take the book home because she has clocked that he knows more than the 5 sounds they've been taught OR because she know's you're a teacher and would model the scribing underneath for the next lucky recipient of the book.

As for the punching , the message is to tell a school adult straight away, when memories are still fresh.

With my DC, the information I was given at the end of the day when they were tired and hungry were not always the whole story.

If my kid says "Someone punched me!": my first thought is "What did you do to provoke them?" I wouldn't try to tell a teacher how to deal with that info, I'd just keep them informed about what I had been told.

The writing: It sounds like they would have been satisfied if your child could have written a 4 word noun sentence & a sort-of drawing. We are told that we can help the kids however they need, but all writing must be in their own hand. It sounds like you've been given poor instructions. I think I'd clarify what they expect.

And chill a bit, tbh. You & school will be a long relationship, you both need to get used to each other.

YABU about the writing. The teacher wanted to see what your ds would manage to do, however little that might be, even if it was only a scribble.

If the teacher wanted to know what DS could do, the exercise should have been done in class. By sending it home, it becomes open to interpretation. And surely by only having taught 5 letters so far, she knows fine that he can't write yet. If the DS had done a page of scribble and then the OP had written what she wrote afterwards, presumably that would have all been fine. But how was she supposed to know that?

CecilyP If the DS had done a page of scribble and then the OP had written what she wrote afterwards, presumably that would have all been fine. But how was she supposed to know that?

She was supposed to know that because that's exactly what the TA told her she should do.

if it's hard to read then you can write what it says underneath

The expectation of the homework was unrealistic as few children would be able to produce anything coherent at this stage. My 4.5 year old is still learning to write his name and the only homework all year is reading. All children are given picture only books to begin with, then they'll be matched up to an appropriate level of staged book. There's no expectation to write at home.

The homework sounds more appropriate for later in y1 or y2. DS1 would still find it difficult in the early stages in y2 (although he is showing several signs associated with dyslexia). I remember being told on teaching practice "don't set them up to fail" after setting something that wasn't well pitched.

It sounds worth mentioning at parents evening.

They could have made a less dismissive remark about the hitting, even if it's just being aware that some combinations of children are having difficulties and keeping an eye out.

I was still a practicing teacher when DS1 started in reception and despite being used to nursery, my emotional response to him starting school surprised me.

I am usually very supportive of teachers, but I'm appalled at this. In your shoes I'd be extremely concerned about the other boy and the teachers' reaction. Kids in reception are just finding their feet and they need help to feel secure, as do their parents (particularly with the first!). The teacher seems to be rather ineffective tbh. Yes kids have short memories but a quiet word with your ds checking he was ok and explaining to him that if anything like that happens again to tell her straight away so she can sort it out would have been all it took to reassure him so he understands what he needs to do. If this was my dc I would arrange an appointment immediately. Don't worry about being 'that parent', your only concern is your child. If you don't advocate for him, who will?

Hully nailed it on page one. Inappropriate homework and more should have been done about the punching.

brownfang really? Your first thought if your kids get hit is to wonder what they've done to deserve it?

OP I think my advice would be to mark a card in your head, if you know what I mean. I am a teacher too so you know that kids tell their version, parents expect bonkers stuff sometimes blah blah blah.

However you do also know that there are shit teachers or mistakes made, etc etc. I would be chatting lots in a positive way to DS to build confidence etc but I wouldn't go into school yet. The response to the punching is not great at all, so keep an eye.

Remember that the TA and the teacher are not the same either - I once had a TA who was awful (I have seen it the other way round as well, of course!).

Keep your powder dry and see what the next couple of weeks bring. Any more violence and I would be right in (and I am the person who rolls their eyes at 'that' parent 😂)

Let the homework thing go. Doesn't really matter. I think you are being quite measured in your response, so chin up!

I get that I have misinterpreted the instructions BUT as I have previously said, that is because I didn't understand what the aim of the exercise was. I believed it to just be an opportunity to practise writing rather than an exercise in spelling as it feels way too early for that. However that is beside the point. The reason I wasn't happy is because a four year old who has tried really hard and is proud of what he has done was told that he had made the TA "sad" because I had misunderstood the instructions. I hope my son did forget that she had said something nice.

I have had students in the past that have done completely the wrong homework and whilst I have explained that it wasn't what they were supposed to have done, I have also said "but well done for trying so hard on a topic I haven't even taught you yet".

With regard to the hitting incident, I'm satisfied it was dealt with properly when my son reported the second incident so I will ignore this as, as some pop have pointed out, it may be against school policy to state that there would be any sort of follow up.

brownfang so it would be perfectly acceptable to you for your 4 yr old DC to be repeatedly punched if they had "provoked" it? Really??

*pp not pop. Stupid autocorrect.

Thanks for all the considered responses. They gave me "food for thought". My DH pretty much leaves all this sort of stuff to me and gives fairly non-committal (sp?) responses when I ask what he thinks about these sorts of things so it was good to have others thoughts.

I imagine there was some miscommunication with the homework. It sounds like something that might be set as a 'getting to know you' exercise at the start of the year. If it's a whole class book that goes home with each child it could be kept so the children can look back on it at the end of the year and celebrate how much they'd achieved, it could be used by the teacher as informal assessment (baselining) of each child's current abilities, they could be using it for display in the classroom as they may not have much physical evidence of children's work at this point in the year or it could be a way of gauging parental involvement in homework, - any number of useful things for the teacher, which have not been passed on to you (and other parents?) effectively.

If I had set something like that I really would want to see what each child could do independently but in a familiar environment, wouldn't be worried about spelling or handwriting etc. I find children often behave differently in the first few weeks until they settle in to their new surroundings and start to show their abilities.

If what your son says it the whole story perhaps the TA was not balanced in the feedback they gave. It might be that THEY were unclear on the expectations for the book or that they are new, or not used to working with younger children. None of which are your problem.

If I were you I'd ask for clarification of the homework expectations (and maybe writing expectations) at parents evening and ask if there can be clear (written?) instructions with homework if it will be a regular thing.

I would hold back on the other issue for now, I'm sure they are doing their best to understand the child and their potential triggers and behaviours. If there are any further incidents you can speak to the teacher about how they are ensuring your son is safe at play times.

Is your reception age child a genius? He can write stories? Mine can just about manage to write his own name.

I think that these will be two separate issues to your little one (and he will have already forgotten both - as long as you have let him) so should be treated as such.

Regarding the writing task, as a secondary school teacher you are too focused on the product. They wanted him to explore the process. Of sitting down and holding a pen himself and trying to work out sounds and words and thinking about things... You made that impossible. He didn't do as they asked (you didn't really because you were focused on outcome) and his school have sent home the message that you need to let them do their jobs, he and you need to follow their instructions. It's nice to say fluffy nice things but would that have prompted you both to make sure you clarify the instructions and follow them next time? No. Now you will. Or should.

Regarding the hitting - again they have told you and him the procedure. He needs to tell someone immediately. Next time he will.

Imo the school are being clear and you need to start cooperating and TRUSTING them, or you will make life very confusing for your little one.

Best wishes.

I'm really surprised that you've been at the school 3 weeks and have learned 5 sounds already. We're on 's' sound and have only just started full time with the whole class.
TBH it doesn't sound great. Quite negative, but it is the start of term and hopefully you'll get into the swing of things soon

Meaning, it sounds quite negative and poorly run by the reception team.

Hmmm they shouldn't be sending home writing homework in reception full stop. What's the point? I guess they say it's to encourage mark making etc at home but I don't think that is something that should be enforced.
Make it fun at school and they might choose to do some at home. The whole thing's a bit weird.

Helen I wouldn't trust this school at all! Op has acknowledged many times she misinterpreted the homework, but no matter what they did they tried. Would you ever tell a 4 yo that tried they'd made you sad!!? 3 weeks in you need to be building their confidence regardless!

purpletango the incident happened at break time in the reception playground and my son was inside a play tent at the time so I completely understand why a teacher wouldn't have seen it

Ok so you accept the teacher did not witness the incident. By the time you spoke to her about it I guess it was a long time after the event and teacher thought it would be fruitless to mention it -

1. Because she did not witness it
2. 4 years olds would not have it uppermost in their memory and she would have gained a very confused story about what had happened
3. She wouldn't know if your ds was telling the truth. For all she knows it could have been fisticuffs between both boys
4. She cannot tell a child off based on hearsay.

Teach your ds that if someone hits him again to say in a load voice "Stop doing that. I don't like it!" The sudden, loud voice will alert the teacher to what is happening and she will deal with it there and then.