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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think the teacher's responses to my concerns are not good enough?

100 replies

DumbledoresPants · 28/09/2017 10:01

Sorry for how long this is but I would really appreciate some advice.

My son has just started reception a few weeks ago. He has settled really well (my opinion as well as his teacher's).
Last week, he complained that he was "already sore from today". When questioned it emerged that another boy from his class had, completely unprovoked, decided to repeatedly punch DS and call him a baby. I asked DS if he had told a teacher which he hadn't. He said that the boy only stopped when he run to the toilets. I had to spend quite a bit of time reassuring DS as he was worried that it would happen again. I also explained that he must tell a grown up if someone is unkind to him.
Next morning, I spoke to the teacher about it who responded "well, there isn't much I can do about it as he didn't tell anyone at the time". I wasn't entirely happy but left it, thinking that maybe it's because reception children have short memories and there is little point in telling the boy off for something that he has probably forgotten about. Since then, I feel that this is not acceptable. She could have at least said she would have a chat with this child about what is acceptable and what isn't.

This week, DS came home very excited because he had been given the class' "super writing book" to write in. I asked the TA what was expected and was told "he can write anything he likes in there and if it's hard to read then you can write what it says underneath". DS wanted to write a story and as I was told he had to bring it back the next day plus I had to get on with dinner so I could get to work on time, I wrote on the page what he wanted to write so he could see how to spell the words. I was really impressed with him as he had invented his own story and written a lot for a four year old. The next day I asked him what had been said about what he had done. DS said that the TA had said that she was "sad because I can see mummy's writing there". I was not impressed as he had put a lot of effort in and then been told that with no praise for his efforts. Again, I spoke to the teacher and said I was disappointed that he had been only given negative feedback as he had put in so much effort. Her response boiled down to I shouldn't have helped him, not even with spelling as he should be trying to sound out the words himself and put a "magic line" if he wasn't sure of a letter/sound. Again, I left it even though I wasn't entirely satisfied. Firstly, the instructions of what was expected of him were entirely unclear so I think it's unfair to give him a negative response for not doing what was expected when neither he nor I knew what was expected. Secondly, he has been at school just three weeks and has only been taught five sounds (he knows more because I have taught him at home) and had only been taught about the "magic line" the day after he had been expected to do the writing. Thirdly, as a teacher myself, albeit secondary, if I could see a child had "missed the point" of what they were supposed to do but had really tried, I would praise their efforts as well as explaining what should have been done.

WIBU to express my dissatisfaction at the teacher's responses so far to the teacher herself? And if I'm NBU, should I discuss this face to face on parents evening (in two weeks time) or in an email or letter now or request a face to face appointment sooner?

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 28/09/2017 11:36

I'd let it go for now and apologise at parents evening if it comes up what on earth is the OP apologising for?

Original poster
DumbledoresPants · 28/09/2017 11:39

staples my question exactly!

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 28/09/2017 11:40

There could be plenty of misinterpretation. Off the top of my head they may have been playing superheroes which got out of hand, your ds may have hit the other child first (most parents believe their child would NEVER do such a thing when I have had to speak to them about it), your child may have not known the other child's name so said the name of a child usually in trouble for hitting etc etc.
And from your post now it seems like there were other, less challenging, homework options offered so being annoyed that 4 yr olds are being made to write a story doesn't really make sense.

Threenme · 28/09/2017 11:42

Op I really don't know why you're getting grief. You are valid in both points. The writing thing is daft beyond belief. The 'sad' comment is just plain nasty.
Personally I would draw a line under both. If the hitting doesn't happen again and your son's still happy going to school let it go this time.
I'd wait until parents evening and see how she is. The first one in reception should not be focused on academic progress but how they're settling in, happy, making friends etc. Very informal chats. I'd just emphasise how important a positive attitude and son being happy in school is to you etc.
I know having teachers that are less than nice and cuddly in reception is really hard, we are lucky in my kids school, the whole team are lovely. Lots of cuddles, praise, reassurance! It shouldn't be hard to be nice to 4 year olds!
I will never forget my dd dancing through the yard to class with some work she'd done at home of her own accord. The head stopped her on the way in to see it and made a huge fuss. Later that day she brought a sticker to class. The TA on the door Asked to see it and within minutes of her showing her teacher it was pinned to the working wall for all to see. My dd was on cloud nine. We can all grief op and question whether she read instructions clearly, if son lies etc. But we are lying if we pretend we don't want our kids safe in school and their confidence built up in this way.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 28/09/2017 11:42

I've read what you've written and it's all completely contradictory - I may not have the full story but I'm not sure how this could be misinterpreted and how dare you even insinuate that my child could possibly have been at fault in any way!

Original poster
DumbledoresPants · 28/09/2017 11:43

corbyn I will no longer respond to your posts as you seem to be answering posts that I haven't written.

apple are you always so rude? I'm a secondary maths teacher not a EYFS teacher with knowledge of what is expected of them in terms of writing at four years of age. It seemed to me it was just a chance to practise writing letters not that he would be expected to spell himself. And of course he wouldn't have demonstrated knowledge of other sounds when they have only done five of them in class!

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 28/09/2017 11:44

And I'll no longer be posting as you only want replies to agree with you.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 28/09/2017 11:46

Yes apple how rude of you to assume the child knows more sounds when the op specifically said that she had taught her child more sounds!
I think you need to read your posts op never mind anyone else!

ProfessorCat · 28/09/2017 11:46

I'm a teacher and that teacher sounds like a dick.

Why is he being given written homework so soon and being expected to do it alone? I'd want to know how this fits into FS pedagogy which is based on experiential learning and play.

waterrat · 28/09/2017 11:48

i have a 5 yr old in year one and that homework is literally bonkers.

My son cant write a single word unless he is copying and your son is only 3 weeks into school.

I would be livid if a teacher gave negative feedback to my child 3 weeks into reception or mentioned being 'sad' at their work.

I couldn't let my kid be at a school like that!

Threenme · 28/09/2017 11:50

Water and professor I agree 100%!

Original poster
DumbledoresPants · 28/09/2017 11:51

Thanks for your response threenme and to others who have given measured responses rather calling myself/my son a liar/show offs etc

I think I will see how I feel the next couple of weeks go and maybe have a chat at parents evening if there are other incidents I'm not happy with.

Also, to those who have mentioned it - there was another incident with the child kicking my son the very same day I spoke to the teacher. DS told another TA (different one to the one mentioned already) who told the boy off ("that's not kind, you must also use kind hands" etc). Thankfully nothing else has happened since and I made sure to praise DS for telling a grown up.

OP posts:
RavingRoo · 28/09/2017 11:57

I sent my dd into reception able to read short stories and write sentences, and when they tried to tell her she was ‘doing it wrong’ pushed back until I had a meeting with the head teacher, because I didn’t want her to be held back so the other kids could catch up. My insistance ensured the creation of a top set for kids who could read / write. Nobody has ever told me that was ‘unreasonable’ as I pay thousands in school fees. Just because you use a state school doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to push back!

slewts · 28/09/2017 11:58

I'm a reception teacher and the homework is ridiculous. It would be challenging even at the end of reception for quite a number of children. Ask the TA or teacher to read up on helicopter stories, which encourages practitioners to scribe for children to develop their imaginative story telling.

Threenme · 28/09/2017 11:59

I agree raving! However my friend is a private school teacher she says her parents are customers. State parents are parents!

Threenme · 28/09/2017 12:00

Hope it gets better op!

Mittens1969 · 28/09/2017 12:01

That incident was handled well then, OP, it must have been reassuring for you to see that. And it's great that your DS was able to tell a grown up; hopefully things are looking up. Flowers

Original poster
DumbledoresPants · 28/09/2017 12:08

Me too threenme

Fingers crossed Mittens I was really pleased he told an adult and was quite happy with the way it was dealt with.

OP posts:
Permanentlyexhausted · 28/09/2017 12:25

The writing thing is just ridiculous, although it sounds as though you were told what you needed to do and the did the opposite (i.e. wrote first for your DS to copy, rather than write afterwards explaining what he'd put). It's not great that he was criticised but if it were me, I would apologise to my child for having got the wrong end of the stick.

However, regarding the hitting incident, I think YAB a little U. Everyone, including the OP, is assuming that the teacher hasn't dealt with it. However, although she hasn't told you she is going to speak to the child concerned, it doesn't follow that she hasn't or isn't keeping a close eye on things.

This, however, is a bizarre statement: left it, thinking that maybe it's because reception children have short memories and there is little point in telling the boy off for something that he has probably forgotten about. They're children, not dogs! Surely as a mother and a teacher you instantly realised that it was because one person's side of the story is not the full story?

Mittens1969 · 28/09/2017 12:36

@Permanentlyexhausted, that is not a very kind post. It's clear that the little boy has been lashing out from the OP's other posts. Obviously the 'unprovoked' bit might not be entirely true.

And yes, the OP got the homework the wrong way round but it sounds like the TA's response was uncalled for.

Oakmaiden · 28/09/2017 12:37

With regard to the writing - from what you say the TA said to you, then I am fairly sure they were expecting an attempt at emergent writing with a few letters added in, and then a "translation" written underneath. the important thing at that age is for children to get used to the idea that they can communicate by making word shapes on paper... And in honesty from what you said, it did seem quite clear that the idea was for HIM to have a go, not for you to write down his ideas.

But anyway - you really asked about the teacher's responses. It is difficult, because her answers to seem a little terse, although I don't think the content of them is so far off... I wouldn't tell a child off for something that had happened the previous day simply on the say so of another child's parent. I would however do my best to keep an eye on the child to see how they are interacting with others. Likewise, your child hadn't done the homework - in fact you had done it for him. The TA's response may not have been ideal (although I am not a big fan of madly praising every child for every little thing they do - particularly in this case where he hadn't done as expected. It isn't as if he was told off for it, though, which would have been unreasonable.) but the teacher seems to have merely tried to explain what the actual expectations were so you could help him do it correctly next time. Whilst she doesn't sound warm and fluffy, we don't really know exactly how you came across in the conversations either....

What response were you really expecting? In either case?

MiaowTheCat · 28/09/2017 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Threenme · 28/09/2017 12:40

I get ppl saying op "did the homework wrong" but from a eyfs point of view she did nothing wrong!! Scribing at that age is perfectly fine and I've done it in actual lessons. That's what I find so stupid about the instructions and rules. Also at my kids school they are very positive about any home learning and certainly wouldn't criticise the kid

turquoise88 · 28/09/2017 12:49

he can write anything he likes in there and if it's hard to read then you can write what it says underneath".

I don't really understand how you misunderstood this instruction? The TA didn't say, "write for him and he copies it underneath," which is what you did.

At this stage, unless he is working above age-related expectations, he will be mark-making and experimenting with what writing/letters look like, perhaps occasionally correctly representing sounds in the words he wants to write.

turquoise88 · 28/09/2017 12:51

Scribing at that age is perfectly fine and I've done it in actual lessons

Scribing after the child has written is fine. Scribing before and getting them to copy it underneath does absolutely nothing to encourage their independent mark making and writing skills.