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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to feel sad about little comments....?

64 replies

marthamay · 28/09/2017 02:47

I am too embarrassed to talk about this with friends in real life because it feels stupid and frivolous and well...silly.
I'm going through a very insecure period in terms of how I look etc - but I find it very hard to talk to anyone about it because it makes me feel vulnerable and stupid - like rationally I should be stronger than this....but I'm not..... I've also found it hard to believe that my gorgeous loving husband desires me at the moment - our sex life is a bit out of sync and sometimes I feel a bit rejected. Then I think about all the times post children that I have not been 'in the mood' and he has been totally ok and very supportive...so I feel like an idiot who should suck it up....
So anyway, I working hard to try and get my self-esteem up - I'm exercising and eating well in an effort to feel healthy and to get down my weight - but also trying to feel positive about things anyway.

Last week I went out for a walk and a man about my age smiled at me and said hello and checked me out. It's been a long time since I got that - and I know it is superficial - but it made me feel good.
When I got home I told my partner. He laughed and said 'was it an old dude?'. I laughed and said 'no he was our age'. Anyway.....tiny silly conversations.....but I feel really shit that he implied that only an older man would think me worth checking out.
I mentioned this to him (not in an angry way, just in passing) and he said that it was rubbish and I was totally overthinking it, etc, etc. End of conversation. I'm not cross, and I know that I'm pretty down on myself at the moment - but am I being unreasonable to feel a little sad about that conversation??? Is that ok ? Would you? Thanks for any comments.....

OP posts:

CakesRUs · 28/09/2017 03:00

I wouldn't worry about it, he explained when you asked him.

greentea4me · 28/09/2017 03:03

His comment would really annoy me actually. Implying that you're only fanciable by old men is really insulting. What on earth was he thinking?

Original poster

marthamay · 28/09/2017 03:08

CakesRUs, wouldn't say that it worries me - just makes me feel a little sad. And he didn't explain, just told me that I was overthinking it - which makes my feeling feel invalidated. But yes, I'm definitely trying not to let it get to me!
I wonder if he came home and said 'a woman asked for my number' and I said 'oh was she really old?' - whether he would overthink it....

Thanks so much greentea4me. It feels good that someone else wouldn't appreciate that comment too - like I'm not going mad!

OP posts:

SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/09/2017 03:29

You're lucky - my DH's response to me claiming I'd been "clocked" would most likely have been "Should have gone to Specsavers".

Original poster

marthamay · 28/09/2017 03:31

lol! OH gosh....yes....

OP posts:

e1y1 · 28/09/2017 04:21

It’s a totally wind-up thing a ^typical* DH would say.

The moment is there and they can make a joke/tease you.

e1y1 · 28/09/2017 04:21

Italic fail there typical

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 28/09/2017 04:28

I think he was pulling your leg OP. My husband would say a lot worse and I him. We really aren't that nice to each other.
Have you told him how you are feeling at the moment. Also I think you need to share your feelings with a close friend. Also do you need to do things that make you feel a bit better about yourself. (New hairdo, nails don't, facials, new clothes)
Im

Original poster

marthamay · 28/09/2017 04:30

Yeah, it wasn't intended as a joke - wish it had been!

OP posts:

Nordicwannabe · 28/09/2017 04:55

I wonder if he came home and said 'a woman asked for my number'

But he wouldn't say that would he, because that would make you feel horrible and insecure.

I'd assume that his comment was subconsciously a way of making light of it, since that feels better than having a competitor.

What would you have liked him to say?! I suppose the ideal response would have been a self-deprecating joke from him. But life isn't scripted.

Agree with pp that you should tell him how you've been feeling. It will make you feel vulnerable, but he's your husband and deserves your trust. Otherwise you end up in a vicious circle of you pulling back from him emotionally because you feel insecure, which makes him feel uncertain so he eventually pulls back from you... and you can see how that buillds...

lazydog · 28/09/2017 04:57

What makes you say it wasn't a joke? You said he laughed first. Do you really feel it was a nasty put-down, or do you think it could be your insecurity reading more into light hearted banter? If my dh had said that today, for example, I'd 100% know he was joking, but when I'm feeling low and bloated and ugly (a monthly occurrence for a few days) I'm 100% sure I'd think he meant it right then. He'd still have been joking.

Original poster

marthamay · 28/09/2017 05:25

Actually, he said it as a genuine question - definitely not a joke. I would have known if it was a joke. It hurt more because it was actually what he thought. It's not that we don't joke with each other about stuff, but this wasn't one of those moments. Also, we don't do putdowns as jokes - no judgement on couples that do, we just have never done that.

Nordicwannabe - Thanks for your thoughts, and you are so right about pulling back emotionally - big danger for me. Maybe his comment was a subconscious way of making light of it - quite possibly - it never occurred to me that he would feel in any way threatened and you could be right. If he came home and told me about a woman hitting on him I'd think 'of course she did you sexy guy!' and give him a hi-five, I wouldn't feel threatened by it so it doesn't occur to me. We are quite open about stuff like that.

I think he really did think that only an older guy would check me out. That's ok - I'm not angry at him - just a bit sad that it's how he feels about me.

OP posts:

pinkdelight · 28/09/2017 07:06

Another one here where we'd both make light of it. High-fiving each other for getting hit on is strange to me. Might contribute to why your esteem is so vulnerable. It's good that you're aware of the superficiality and hopefully the exercise etc will make you feel better. Doesn't sound like your DH is unsupportive, more that you're just extra sensitive at the mo for some reason.

Therealslimshady1 · 28/09/2017 07:11

The real question is, why are you searching for validation of your looks from random men in the street?

It is better to work on self esteem.from within, and to not all let it be based on how randomers perceive your attractiveness.

You are not on the right path there.

Original poster

marthamay · 28/09/2017 07:21

Yeah, definitely my state of mind plays a big part in this and all your responses are pointing to that.

I guess feeling a little sad is unreasonable.

I don't think that not feeling threatened about whether or not someone hits on my dh has much to do with my self-esteem. I just trust him, so it doesn't bother me - and I'd rather he shared it with me than keeping it a secret.

OP posts:

Original poster

marthamay · 28/09/2017 07:23

Yep - because my self esteem is very very low and it's been a very long time since I have felt desired or sexy. You sum up precisely why I am too embarrassed to talk to my real life friends about this. Because it feels so wrong.

OP posts:

SabineUndine · 28/09/2017 07:24

Thereal you're projecting your own feelings on to the OP. Stop it.

MysteryJellyfish · 28/09/2017 07:26

I would feel like you OP if my DH had asked that in the way yours did.

But there’s something else going on here. Your self-esteem isn’t high right now and while yes, it should come from inside, we are also highly impacted by our loved ones. It doesn’t sound like you feel he’s supportive of you. Think if it this way, how would it have felt if his reply had been what yours would have been?

Are you feeling low about yourself because there’s a problem with you, or because the person beside you has a problem either with you, or with themselves that they express by putting it on you?

PandorasXbox · 28/09/2017 07:27

The real question is, why are you searching for validation of your looks from random men in the street?

Exactly.

MysteryJellyfish · 28/09/2017 07:29

OP I’m coming out of a marriage that had no sex or compliments for years. People underestimate just how much it matters to feel desired by the person who should desire you. It’s a form of solitary confinement because you can’t discuss it with friends and it simultaneously removes layers of confidence you never even realized you had.

charlestonchaplin · 28/09/2017 07:36

Why would you tell him that? How did you expect him to feel, and how did you expect him to respond? What message were you trying to get across? 'Watch out! You may not find me all that attractive but other men do?' And? I think that relaying the incident could have been seen as a negative move to which he responded negatively. I'm not saying he should have responded that way, but I think your approach was questionable.

Alternatively, you were fishing for compliments, which is always a tricky (IMO bad) move.

SendintheArdwolves · 28/09/2017 07:37

I get that you're feeling sad and vulnerable, and I understand how demoralising that is.

But I think you're being REALLY unfair.

A guy checks you out in the street. This makes you feel disproportionately good. Your responses are already a bit out of whack bc of your low self esteem.
You feel good about this, and tell your husband, hoping for....him to be jealous? Even more affirmation? To relive the moment?
He doesn't give you the response you wanted.
YOU are upset with HIM because you had hoped he would respond positively to a man leering at you and you then telling him about it.

In the nicest way, you are being so unreasonable to the poor guy.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/09/2017 07:39

I agree with TheReal, Sabine and she has every right to post her comment anyway.

OP has already said she has esteem issues, well seeking validation from people who wouldn't care one way or the other really isn't the way forward.

OP... I personally wouldn't have made the comment to my husband in the first place because random approbation really doesn't register with me but also because why would I want to put my husband 'on alert'? That's always what people are doing when they tell their partners that others have positively commented on them, there's no other reason for doing that.

You're married to your husband and, if he's not paying attention to you then that needs addressing, between the two of you, without the premise of game-playing.

Original poster

marthamay · 28/09/2017 07:46

The real question is, why are you searching for validation of your looks from random men in the street?

You don't think I think about this?

Potentially because as young girls and young women we are trained to objectify ourselves and to see our looks as being 'who we are' and a reflection of our capabilities and success. Because many, if not most women, internalise that objectification and even when, as a rational intelligent women, it takes willpower and strength to overcome that inner voice. And when you are low on confidence, low on willpower and strength, high on stress, that voice becomes harder to ignore and suppress. Particularly when you bottle those feelings up so hard because the thought of being seen as a woman who 'needs validation from people on the street' is deeply shameful, so you can't even talk to real life friends about it.

Potentially it's because of severe sexual abuse in my childhood which makes it hard for me to separate my worth from my sexuality.

These are very hard questions for me to work with, and I'm not proud of wanting external validation of my looks or beauty....hence the shame in talking to people.

I'm not ignorant of it though.
I also don't think I'm the only woman who feels good when a man thinks she looks sexy. However right or wrong that is.

OP posts:

MysteryJellyfish · 28/09/2017 07:49

It’s only on Mumsnet where you’re not allowed to want any external validation if looks (or anything else), other than actually posting on Mumsnet!

Don’t beat yourself up about external validation: we all need it in different forms.

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