aibu to feel sad about little comments....?

[marthamay]

I am too embarrassed to talk about this with friends in real life because it feels stupid and frivolous and well...silly.
I'm going through a very insecure period in terms of how I look etc - but I find it very hard to talk to anyone about it because it makes me feel vulnerable and stupid - like rationally I should be stronger than this....but I'm not..... I've also found it hard to believe that my gorgeous loving husband desires me at the moment - our sex life is a bit out of sync and sometimes I feel a bit rejected. Then I think about all the times post children that I have not been 'in the mood' and he has been totally ok and very supportive...so I feel like an idiot who should suck it up....
So anyway, I working hard to try and get my self-esteem up - I'm exercising and eating well in an effort to feel healthy and to get down my weight - but also trying to feel positive about things anyway.

Last week I went out for a walk and a man about my age smiled at me and said hello and checked me out. It's been a long time since I got that - and I know it is superficial - but it made me feel good.
When I got home I told my partner. He laughed and said 'was it an old dude?'. I laughed and said 'no he was our age'. Anyway.....tiny silly conversations.....but I feel really shit that he implied that only an older man would think me worth checking out.
I mentioned this to him (not in an angry way, just in passing) and he said that it was rubbish and I was totally overthinking it, etc, etc. End of conversation. I'm not cross, and I know that I'm pretty down on myself at the moment - but am I being unreasonable to feel a little sad about that conversation??? Is that ok ? Would you? Thanks for any comments.....

Please talk to friends IRL about this. And I’m sure counselling would help. Knowing you need to up your self esteem and managing to do it are two different things but at least you know the journey you need to take. There are a lot of good self help books out there. Affirmations work!

I'm not off sex! He is!!!

@Bahhhhhumbug - it's him that's off sex, not me. I just feel like an asshole for being letting it get to me when I know that there have been plenty of times in our relationship when I have been the one off it (after childbirth etc.) and he's always been understanding.

@winedancer - thank you .

I would love any tips on how to overcome those feelings! It sounds like you have come out on the other side.
I have talked to enough women in my life to know that the process of ageing in our society and the complexity of those issues is not an easy or unusual challenge . I am very surprised at the amount of women on here who don't appear to have any understanding of this or any empathy for these sorts of feelings. It's something I hope to work through and come out on the other side with some sense of wisdom about and stronger for it - and I hope that I would never belittle any woman for voicing these emotions, no matter how petty they seem.

Then I think about all the times post children that I have not been 'in the mood' and he has been totally ok and very supportive..

That's how it should be, both ways round, but you seem to have higher expectations of your dh than you do of yourself, op. His self-esteem may have been affected by you not wanting sex in the past, just as yours is being affected by him not wanting sex atm. Probably the last thing he needs to hear is you reporting that other men find you attractive. Think how you'd feel if he did the same. Maybe you should have a proper conversation about how you are both feeling, rather than focusing on a comment which was probably said as a reaction to your rather tactless remark.

Ok -

Maybe subconciously my remark had ulterior motives - I can see that and all the comments have made me think about it and I will talk it over with my dh.

But please people, this may not be something you would talk about with your partner in your relationship - just like you probably talk about or do things that I wouldn't do - but I have been together with him for 18 years and not once have we had any jealousy issues or not talked about things like this together, and I don't actually see any reason why we should feel jealous or hide things like this from each other - so please accept that whilst you may not feel comfortable talking about this with your partner, I actually do and I've never had any indication from my partner that he feels different - it's just normal for us. We both trust each other completely and I would not be phased in the slightest. Please don't judge my relationship by that.

@donkeyoil - yes, it's definitely worth exploring as it's not something that would have occurred to me.

I have to ask, because I am genuinely surprised....

Why would other people finding your partner attractive make you feel bad?

I really don't understand this?

Why would your partner making an "was he old comment" make you feel bad? Like you said what effects some people might not effect you?

Why are you asking the women here who seem to (according to you), lack empathy and understanding?

That empathy and understanding door swings both ways you know.

Why would other people finding your partner attractive make you feel bad?

It could make you feel bad if you were feeling insecure, for whatever reason, at the time. It might make you wonder why the other person had felt they needed to say it. It's the kind of 'little comment' that you yourself are focusing on, op!

Exactly. It's not other people finding a partner attractive that's the issue. It's the partner's need to tell me that would make me uncomfortable. Like they were letting me know they could still pull if needs be. And that's also within a long marriage with no jealousy issues, but neither of us would feel the need to needle the other with it.

@Donkeyoil - yeah, I can see that, you could be right - maybe it was an issue for him or I got him in the wrong mood and it was his way of saying piss off. Worth a good conversation, and he's good at being honest with me.

@pinkdelight - yes, I don't feel like this, but perhaps he does - important to consider. I wasn't needling him, I honestly didn't do it to purposely play any games, and if subconsciously it came from wanting to hear his feeling for me affirmed - then yes, that's the issue, as well as my deep self-esteem issues.

@lyingwitchinthewardobe. Thank you for your kind words.

But anyway, I now feel like I'm repeating the same thing over and over in different ways.

I'm glad I've written on here because it's helped me think over my reaction and where it comes from and I appreciate the different views on this. Also, it now doesn't feel so scary to bring it up with my lovely RL girlfriends, perhaps with a fresher perspective on my part.

Now, I have my thesis due in a week and I am clearly on a huge derailment, emotional procrastination sabotage effort!!!

And may I applaud all the women on here who have the strength of mind to disentagle their self-esteem, their self-worth, and their sexuality from their physical selves, who don't need external validation. I hope over time I can overcome that shit too. No easy feat in our society.
To anyone else who is feeling low, insecure or depressed and needs some kind words - don't feel too alone - there are plenty of us out there - and it's ok to feel shit sometimes and to feel good if someone notices you when you feel invisible, even if that makes you feel ashamed - it's ok. I know I read a lot of these conversations to feel that other people also experience the same insecurities and to learn about it.

How can you preach about girls feeling insecure sticking together yardaryaaaaaarda when your last post was "why do women feel bad when other people find your partner attractive I don't understand this??" that could be someone's insecurities your belittling and questioning where is the empathy for them you speak so much of 😂 probably why this thread has gone quiet your hypocrisy shines through.