aibu to feel sad about little comments....?

[marthamay]

I am too embarrassed to talk about this with friends in real life because it feels stupid and frivolous and well...silly.
I'm going through a very insecure period in terms of how I look etc - but I find it very hard to talk to anyone about it because it makes me feel vulnerable and stupid - like rationally I should be stronger than this....but I'm not..... I've also found it hard to believe that my gorgeous loving husband desires me at the moment - our sex life is a bit out of sync and sometimes I feel a bit rejected. Then I think about all the times post children that I have not been 'in the mood' and he has been totally ok and very supportive...so I feel like an idiot who should suck it up....
So anyway, I working hard to try and get my self-esteem up - I'm exercising and eating well in an effort to feel healthy and to get down my weight - but also trying to feel positive about things anyway.

Last week I went out for a walk and a man about my age smiled at me and said hello and checked me out. It's been a long time since I got that - and I know it is superficial - but it made me feel good.
When I got home I told my partner. He laughed and said 'was it an old dude?'. I laughed and said 'no he was our age'. Anyway.....tiny silly conversations.....but I feel really shit that he implied that only an older man would think me worth checking out.
I mentioned this to him (not in an angry way, just in passing) and he said that it was rubbish and I was totally overthinking it, etc, etc. End of conversation. I'm not cross, and I know that I'm pretty down on myself at the moment - but am I being unreasonable to feel a little sad about that conversation??? Is that ok ? Would you? Thanks for any comments.....

*of!!!

Charleston Chaplin, You and a few others have mentioned this - why would I tell him that.

Maybe you are right, I honestly had never thought about it like that - we have always talked about stuff like that so it's never occurred to me - why wouldn't you talk to your partner about stuff like that???

I guess we all do things differently - I'm really surprised that other couples use put-downs as jokes. But I'm certainly not going to judge whether their relationship is good or bad based on it, it's just very different to mine!

But, perhaps I need to chat to my partner about this - maybe it makes him uncomfortable but he's never expressed it to me and that comment was a way of expressing it.

Thank you MysteryJellyfish! x

OP, but this was a random man who said 'hello' and looked you up and down. It's a step up from wolf-whistling perhaps because at least he said hello to you but what does his opinion of you matter?

I'm sure you're validated in many ways, all of the time, but for some reason - and it's possibly the sexual abuse - you're hinging worthwhile validation as being on your looks rather than anything else.

You say that you can't talk to friends (and I understand that) but could you possibly speak to somebody professional to help you to re-set this damaging notion?

I was walking down the road with my fiancé and a man in a van beeped at me, 2 minutes of "you can have her mate she does my head in" from my fiancé I could of whacked him but was funny! But i don't think he would appreciate me coming home telling him about my run ins, nor would I particularly like it if he did that to me. Would come across as trying to make me jealous etc..

Oh, and to clarify, I'm not upset with my partner - not angry or cross , I don't think he did anything wrong and I never said that.

I'm just sad that he feels like that.

But I agree, if I was feeling insecure in my relationship, looks etc I might take things differently so I can see why you would "overthink" it to be honest

I think it's a bit mean. If I came home and said that to my DP I think he'd say something like "good, maybe you'll see you're worth checking out" or act like obviously someone would be physically interested in me.

I have gained weight since we got together and at times my self esteem is cripplingly low. He appears to genuinely think I still look great (it's not a snall weight gain, we're talking several clothes sizes) and takes every opportunity to say so and to try and boost my sense of self.

I think it could have been said in a 'getting his back up' kinda way. Like if my DP came home and told me that I would probably ask the same, in the hope it was an older woman so it wasn't a threat to me. Pretending to play it down like you don't care when in actual fact you want aaaaall the details of this person who quite possibly fancies you

I don't think you were searching for validation or anything else. You were just doing what you do and a random man addressed you, and he checked you out. That's not you searching, that's random man doing something - addressing a woman he thinks looks good.

Anyway, I'm a bit disappointed that there are women on the thred who think the answer to your self-esteem problem s lies in how you look, it doesn't really, though if you're happy with how you look it can boost your self- esteem enormously.

You're doing the right things, exercising and eating well, but don't forget rest too.

I think your dh was just quipping. Have you both always done that, or do you think he's feelig threatened by the new you which is emerging?

Keep going, op, well done.

I have always thought it more important to .be a good person than to be good looking & would rather people appreciate me in that way. Helps that I'm no beauty! So its not that I don't need external validation but I don't want it as an object. I don't much like being checked out - maybe that's my insecurity.
Can you shift your idea of selfworth away from how you look but to who you are? I don't mean to be simplistic but lovely people are also more beautiful to me.

I would mention it to my husband, because I tell him all kind of random crap that happens to me every day and if that happened, it would be kinda interesting. He'd probably either make a joke or reaffirm I'm really attractive, depending on the mood. Feeling like your partner doesn't find you attractive is deeply destructive to a relationship, but I don't think you are going the right way to fix it OP as you are trying to fix your body and your image, when there's no hint that that's really the issue- it seems one with your partner, and perhaps talking will flush it out.

whattobeexpected - funny!

Honestly that angle had never occurred to me until so many people here mentioned it - so maybe my husband DOES feel like that about me telling him that. Worth talking to him about it I think.
I'm kind of suprised that it's a thing.... I mean I'd be very jealous if he came and told me that HE had hit on someone, but not the other way around - what's to be jealous about?
But maybe he doesn't feel like that ( but we've been together almost 18 years so I'd be surprised if I didn't know that about him at this point ).

From my point of view, I told him, because it made me feel good and we tend to share things like that. Not to make him jealous or to get a reaction or to fish for compliments.

BUT - given my reaction to his response, maybe I do need to look a bit more at my reasons for talking to him about it.

Thanks people for the thoughtful responses - some good things to ponder.

And yes, I do see a professional!

OP wat your husband said sounds like a typical response I think. Could you turn it into something lighthearted? It sounds like you may have been (maybe we all do this at times) fishing a bit for a bit of jealousy from him, or to spark him into thinking, hmm other men are noticing her, I need to up my game...

I was asked out for a drink once by a stranger in the chilled isle in Tesco! It was so bizarre that I told my boyfriend when I got home. He said 'was he, you know, OK?' Think he was implying was he drunk or not quite with it'! I remember making a joke of it saying 'charming!'. I don't think men are always the best at knowing when we need a compliment. Things need to be a bit more direct.

Summerswallow - exactly how I feel - we talk about everything, big small and silly, and I know he'd tell me about it too - he is my best friend and I also have absolutely no reason to feel threatened by others. It would never occur to me not to talk about it.

Flyinggeese - maybe I did tell him fishing for a compliment...
Originally I didn't think that (it's not an unusual thing for us to talk about) - but given the strength of my response, perhaps I was subconsciously doing it and got pissed when I didn't get it....

Thank you for the last few comments, they are insightful and kind, making me think about my response.

Yeah your husband wasn't joking with you, he was being spiteful and mean. Although unintentionally. You are not unattractive, and your husband knows it. This is what (some) men do to keep women down, and make them feel they are ok but not super gorgeous, in the hope they won't wander off. They don't mean to do it, but they do it.

My husband has a habit of taking pics of me at awful angles, like bending down and from the side etc, and then he says 'you may wanna delete that, it's not very flattering.' Just little digs to keep me in my place, and remind me that other men may not find me attractive, and I am lucky to have him etc.

He tells me I am pretty sometimes though, (and sexy too!) so that keeps me happy, because I am a grateful little girl who likes her husband to think she looks pretty!

And the look he gives any man who talks to me is priceless.

Upshot is, he is jealous, and so is your husband,

@Lenl - this sounds very similar to our relationship, thank you for sharing.

@marthamay I find there is a difference between natural jealousy (every woman has a tad in her) and forced jealousy. Not implying that's what you was doing but I could see it infront of me all day long and laugh it off, but if he came home specifically to tell me I won't lie I would question why? But then shrug it off, But I can see how it did give you a confidence boost especially how you have been feeling so I don't feel like you did anything wrong, nor did he but maybe it's how you're feeling inside dictates how you perceive things? My last relationship was similar and it does get to you. Like others have said explain how you feel to him I'm sure he would understand, everyone has their own insecurities, what I might laugh off you won't vice Versa x

I agree with realslimshady l dont think fishing for compliments from your dh especially by telling him another man. gave you the eye, in that neanderthal way is ever going to end well. My DH would say 'He'd soon send you back !!' or such like. But he does pay me compliments ( not just about my looks) regularly and especially if lm feeling down. So l think balance is the key to negative comments, (jokey or otherwise).
Does your Dh say nice things to you, has he noticed your weight loss etc ?
Another thought is maybe your DH is feeling insecure by your ( perceived) rejection of him and your apparent enjoyment of another man finding you attractive made him feel crap / threatened too when he's 'not allowed' to.
I agree also with PP who said he can't win. You said yourself you're off sex so if he was still metaphorically chasing you round the house then that would be totally wrong and be pressurising you but he has done totally the right thing and backed off but that has left you feeling undesirable..
I too think you need to talk properly.

Obviously I have no idea about the nature of your relationship with your DH, but I wouldn't have been upset by that comment. My DH (if I'd told him about the incident - which I wouldn't have) would have laughed and said 'well there's no accounting for taste' or something similar. What else did you want from him? An assurance that you're stunning? A resolution to go and find the bastard who checked out his wife and beat him up?

You seem extremely self-aware in your subsequent posts. You clearly know that your DH's comment isn't the problem - your self-esteem is.

I think it was just a bad joke. Me and dp would rub each other similarly. If he said a woman had checked him in it i’d probably say something like ‘aw was her guide dog cute?’

I think he’s cute though 😁

You told your DH because you wanted to make him jealous/realise you are attricative to other men. He didnt play your game.

Op i understand where you're coming from, you sound much like i used to be, i too used to feel insecure about my looks, mainly because as i got older i felt i was losing them. Then, if a a man gave me the once over i'd be thrilled, shallow as it sounds and i'd love to tell my dh., mainly i suppose to make him realise that he's still got an atttractive wife. Why the need to let him know this, i don't know, but complex as we humans are it's the kind of thing we do. My dh used to react much the same as yours with similar type comments, because i think deep down he might have felt threatened by that thought.

He knows you're still attractive but maybe he hates the thought that he too is not young any more and he worries that you might find a younger man attractive. But of course all this is in his very deep sub consciousness itms. I'm probably way off track here and completely wrong but what i'm trying to get across is....don't look too deeply into his careless comment, he probably meant nothing like you imagine.