To ask how many hobbies does you DH have?

[fiveplusfour]

DH is 45 and this is a summary of
his hobbies -

• Karate (Sat mornings with DS) and private lesson Tue mornings (on his own)

• Paragliding - odd day here and there when "the wind is right" and several weekends away per year. Plus the paraglider often comes on holiday with us.

• Cycling - about 3-4 "big rides" a year eg. across Spain, plus maybe 2 hrs on weekends, or up to 10 hrs if he's training, plus evenings.

• Mountain climbing - probably twice a year (most recent was two months ago in Alps - 4 day trip). Plus training beforehand.

• Car racing - this is on the increase. He's had about 4 track days in the last 6 months and a couple of 2-day events in Europe.

-Scuba - on every holiday we are near the sea - at least 3 or 4 trips.

• Building a kit car in a garage but this seems to be on the back-burner at the moment.

I've noticed the hobbies have escalated in the last few years, but is this average or would MN consider it to be a lot for a father of three who also works at least 60 hrs per week, plus overseas travel? I do get a fair bit of, "What's he up to this week?" And from friends, but it's hard to know. He doesn't go out socialising after work in the way many people do (unless it's business). He does not do golf or watch / play football.

Not so much an AIBU, but wondering what people think is normal for men of this age?

Mine likes gardening and has an allotment. He joins a group session one Saturday morning a month where the allotment holders work on the communal areas of the garden. In the spring and summer he tends it every weekend and waters it every other day if weather is dry. Winter he only goes occasionally.
We also have a small patio garden at home and he often works on that for an hour at weekends.
I admit I did moan when he got the allotment as I thought he would "disappear" a lot. But it's not too bad. Sometimes I go and help with our youngest in tow.
The only annoying bit is when he gets home from work in the summer months and I'm desperate for him to help with the kids so I can start cooking etc and he goes straight out again to water the allotment!
Apart from that he goes out for a drinking session with a friend once a month.
I get more me time/hobby time/ going out with friends time than he does I think.

If I'm absolutely honest, the only reason I put up with it all is because I do get the time when the kids were at school to recharge. If I was working, I don't think I could cope and something would have to give massively.

As long as he recognises that you are giving up something in order to make it all work - for him. He gets to have a rewarding and lucrative career, dangerous and time-consuming hobbies, and three happy, well-taken-care-of children. You get to have 2 out of the 3 and even your hobbies are far more curtailed than his - happening during the school day.

Op - your last message was exactly how l felt. But...he has now left me for his running/biking partner. He basically said l was boring and didn't "do" anything.

Are you absolutely sure that your family finances are ok? All of those activities cost £££.

DH climbs sometimes, less often than he used to due to being less flexible and energetic now (he's nearly 45). He'll go away for a couple of climbing weekends per year. I have weekends away too, either alone or with DD19, DM or friends. We live in good climbing country ourselves, so he can go out for days.

Recently, he's taken up gardening, but that takes place in the garden, at home. Same for his other interests, which mainly involve reading books and watching films about stuff.

It sounds as if your DH doesn't want to be part of your home life. Sorry.

@dontlaugh The OP asked what hobbies people's partners do and what we think is 'normal' for men in their 40s. I told her what my DP does and how it works for us. I wasn't saying she was in any way wrong to have an issue with her own partner's hobbies. The OP asked a question, and I answered it.

Technics Lego - he tends to buy a big kit whenever he knows I'm off for work (3-4 days every month or so).

Motorbikes - we both are although I'm more likely to commute to work in a car. He bikes whatever the whether.

Mountainbike - spends his free time talking about them, planning trips, thinking about them, filling his bathroom with posters (yes, 55 and has posters!), magazines, t-shirts, tattoo (similar to posted image).

Trumpet - bought himself on a whim over the summer hols. It fucking kills me. He plays it in the shed. He spends half his practice-time
smoking cigars and imagines I don't know he still smokes. He can't read music, clap to a beat or hear a rhythm but thinks he's the next Myles Davis!

Music - we go to gigs fairly frequently. He loves 80s-90s Indy / Rock / Ska and dances like someone half his age all night. I'm secretly proud he's so uninhibited. I love the juxtaposition as he's a barrister and he often wears a wig at work.

He sounds like he's an adrenaline junkie - the high pressure, high stress worklife, getting narky when you try to get him to slow down/switch off (killing his buzz), sports that give a rush or a big endorphine high.

He's an addict and as with many addicts everyday family life is coming second to getting his 'fix'. He can be supportive in a crisis because it gives much the same hit, but I'd be concerned about what happens when the drama is replaced by the drudgery of a chronic long term issue (caring for elderly parents for example). On the bright side it's not cocaine or weird sex dungeon shenanigans.

You sound quite self sufficient - if you're happy with your lives running in parallel that's fine, the issues will start to arise if your parallel lines start to diverge or if you need more support than he's able or willing to give. What happens when he takes early retirement and wants to buy a yacht and sail round the world or something similar, and you don't? Having someone who always has to be doing something kicking about the house can be energising or exhausting depending on how you're made!

But as any addiction specialist he won't change until he's ready to (or until his body conks out. At the risk of sounding very cold, I hope he has adequate life insurance etc because the high adrenaline life is hard on the body and extreme sports are called that for a reason).

Is your dh ever at home? Thats a lot of hobbies.
Mine has two hobbies, thats bad enough.

Maggie - thankyou I had never thought about it like that. I think he is a kind of addict, yes. He doesn't know how to stop.

Thankyou all this is a lot to think about. He's a bit older than me and I've been with him since I was at uni, but it's good to take a step back from your life sometimes.

Notsure, I'm sorry to hear about that. As far as I'm aware, no women are stupid enough to join DH and his cronies for the most part, but you can never be 100% sure what's going on the whole time. He's never given me reason to be anxious in that way though.

Pallisers - I hope he realises. I tell him all the time to try and live in the moment because otherwise what's the point one day the kids will be gone.

Are we including farting as a hobby? I think Dh would put it on his CV. He also naps a lot .

So when the dcs leave home- what will your life look like then?

You home alone and him with his full life.

I'd hate to have that in front of me.

I would have hated having a dad like this. Caring for their financial future does not make a good dad. I would hate a partner like this but sounds like you don't mind him being away so much so it's all good.

2 main ones that occupy a couple of evenings a week and 3-4 hours Sat and Sun. I also have hobbies that occupy a similar amount of time. the kids are now grown up though so it's good not to be stuck in the house with nothing new to talk about. We did less when the kids were small. We've both always had hobbies. I can't imagine living with someone with no interests, it seems very unimaginative to want to create/ achieve rather than just do the day to day drudgery.
You do need some time together though and we do one hobby together. It does sound as though he has opted out of housework and left it to you and you don't really have any hobbies you are really interested in.

Thanks I hear what people are saying. When the DCs leave home, he says we'll be able to travel more etc, so we'll see. He will be mid 50s by then. I have trained in a particular kind of yoga these last few years and may make something of that as you can do it at any age. To be honest, I'm more worried about DH being able to stop working, slow down and cope into old age, rather than myself.

I think your DH is pushing it a little and personally I'd feel like it was too much time away. It doesn't sound like he will change voluntarily however, so it will be done to you to insist if that is what you want.

My DH is a gamer but works 12-13 hour days. We live quite separately during the week and he doesn't see the kids for more than 10 mins a day. but weekends are prioritised as family time.

Is OP's husband James Bond?

Seriously how do people with kids fit all these hobbies in? Admittedly we have a baby & a toddler at the moment. I aim for 3 gym sessions a week during the day. DH cycles to work 1 or 2 days & swims maybe once. Weekends involve one morning kids swimming lessons & then lunch out/park visit. Sunday will be either day out or a visit to friends. We try to get out as a couple once a month & separately to see friends.

My DH(41) plays computer games most nights and at weekends. It doesn't eat into family time and while he plays I watch all the TV shows he doesn't like so it works well for both of us. Best of all he is always at home so I'm never short of childcare

When husband comes home from work he is handed a child to put to bed & then cooks dinner so I guess I seriously impede on hobby time.

OP it sounds like your DH has checked out of family life and is using all these activities as displacement.
Are you happy living like this? Do you feel lonely?

Maybe I settle for less than other people - I don't know? I actually love my own time these days because when the kids were little I was with them every day and it was exhausting. So I value my space now. We have a dog, the kids are full on still, DH always was full on and we live in zone 1 London. I have friends in similar situations. I think if we lived in the country it might be different and I could have felt a bit lonely over the years?

Seriously how do people with kids fit all these hobbies in

They have wives who do all the drudgework and childcare.

Wow that is a lot.

My dh doesn't really have any. He also almost never goes out drinking or socialising with friends. He does work long hours though and we have a toddler and a baby on the way so I would not be impressed if he wasn't around in the evenings or at the weekend. The evenings are the only time we really get to spend together and the weekend when he can spend quality time with our ds. He is very family focused though and sees his parents and grandparents at least once a fortnight.

With older kids you engage them in the hobbies. My ex also had hobbies and my kids did activities he was interested in on weekends with him and stuff I was interested in on weekends with me as well as us taking them to hobbies they were interested in which neither of us are interested in.
To me hobbies and sporting activities are a regular part of life. I don't do much telly watching and am not one of those women who is continually ironing and washing the towels and bedding and the house just gets a weekly vaccuum and once in a blue moon/ before visitors come dust.
No one is obese and no-one has depression.