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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how many hobbies does you DH have?

123 replies

fiveplusfour · 27/09/2017 17:47

DH is 45 and this is a summary of
his hobbies -

  • Karate (Sat mornings with DS) and private lesson Tue mornings (on his own)
  • Paragliding - odd day here and there when "the wind is right" and several weekends away per year. Plus the paraglider often comes on holiday with us.
  • Cycling - about 3-4 "big rides" a year eg. across Spain, plus maybe 2 hrs on weekends, or up to 10 hrs if he's training, plus evenings.
  • Mountain climbing - probably twice a year (most recent was two months ago in Alps - 4 day trip). Plus training beforehand.
  • Car racing - this is on the increase. He's had about 4 track days in the last 6 months and a couple of 2-day events in Europe.

-Scuba - on every holiday we are near the sea - at least 3 or 4 trips.

  • Building a kit car in a garage but this seems to be on the back-burner at the moment.

I've noticed the hobbies have escalated in the last few years, but is this average or would MN consider it to be a lot for a father of three who also works at least 60 hrs per week, plus overseas travel? I do get a fair bit of, "What's he up to this week?" And Hmm from friends, but it's hard to know. He doesn't go out socialising after work in the way many people do (unless it's business). He does not do golf or watch / play football.

Not so much an AIBU, but wondering what people think is normal for men of this age?

OP posts:
NotSureIfiAmWell · 27/09/2017 18:58

Stbxh ran/biked everynight till 9pm. Sat/sun biking till 1.30pm.

If you're not happy op then it needs uo change. I wasn't happy but dared not say anything incase he got angry.....

Original poster
fiveplusfour · 27/09/2017 19:01

I think he is a good dad but he struggles with his workaholic tendencies and then he has guilt that he's not spending enough time with the kids, so he has all these ideas about "stuff" he wants to do with them. He gets frustrated by the fact that sometimes they just want to do nothing at weekends and hang out. But he's very good at taking care of their financial futures, that kind of thing. I wouldn't say he is disinterested at all.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 27/09/2017 19:11

None! He's very into his work which he's passionate and ambitious about (we both are). And he's very interesting and interested in lots of stuff - politics, music, all sorts. But he doesn't have any formal hobbies or hobby time. Fully occupied working, having down time at home, going out walking / shopping / to cultural events at weekends, ferrying DC to sports things etc.

I have no idea how your DH fits it all in.

jellyshoeswithdiamonds · 27/09/2017 19:22

In the past he collected hobbies, rugby (huge amount of time x2 teams), the gym, golf/driving range.

Since travelling so much with work he's cut back a lot to spend time with us, he still goes to the gym and we have family season tickets for our local rugby team, he goes on away rugby matches too.

As he's away a lot I get asked "oh where is he now?" so know that feeling well.

I know a colleague of his who had got into cycling and its taken over, days off, holidays taken to include cycling routes plus evenings are spent on a static bike in an oxygen tent Hmm

Original poster
fiveplusfour · 27/09/2017 19:23

Buttery - that's the other thing with DH, he refuses to go round shops or supermarkets. I can feel his agitation in shops, so I never suggest it. He will give the kids lifts and that kind of thing though.

OP posts:
pinkhorse · 27/09/2017 19:25

My dp has running, cricket, shooting, fishing and occasional cycling.

I run 5 times a week, cycle, weightlift, crossfit so it's pretty even

Original poster
fiveplusfour · 27/09/2017 19:27

jelly - yes that's what I get from family and friends - "Where is he this week?" It's as if they think I should be bothered, but I'm not sure if I am or even if I should be.

OP posts:
catbas · 27/09/2017 19:30

I would be bothered as I would feel like a grade a mug, but if you aren't then there isn't a problem surely

RonSwansonsMoustache · 27/09/2017 19:31

He has several but doesn't do them all the time. A lot of it depends on the weather and his job.

Surfing - not often, maybe once a month or less.
Cycling - at least once a week, often twice.
Snowboarding - only in winter, and not for the past two years due to injury.
Fishing - not often, but we do this together so I don't really count it.

pallisers · 27/09/2017 19:38

Does it bother you or your children?

From what you said he is away for cycling/paragliding/ climbing/car racing at least one weekend every month. Plus spending time training etc every weekend (and the mid week karate). This amount of time on hobbies would bother me but it mightn't bother everyone.

DH loves to sail. He didn't sail at all once we had children until the youngest was about 4. Then he started again but also got involved in the children's sail program so it was also an activity with our children. Now our children are teens, he will do it maybe one afternoon of the weekend but not every weekend and goes away for maybe one week a year. He also does an evening class one evening a week for a new skill/hobby and has done a week-long course for that too. But our children are pretty independent now. He also travels for work and works long hours. If I asked him to pull back and do something different - like hiking or yoga - with me instead, he would.

What strikes me more about your post (and I think I recognise your dh from other things you have posted) is that he is living a life that is very focused on his own immediate needs and that is somewhat unintegrated into the general family life. I'm not going to say this right but it is like he is on a circuit that is trundling along with all these dangerous and exciting sports (and I'm sure a therapist could have an interesting time with that) for him and you and the children are trundling along on a parallel but essentially different circuit, every now and then intersecting, but mostly waving benignly at each other as you pass by. Especially as they hit the teen years, a lot of connection comes from the times when you are in the car together dropping off, or watching a tv show together, or a bit of chat when you are making a sandwich in the evening. My son is a better sailor now than his father and sails in university but he isn't as passionate about it so if his only connection with his dad was sailing, things wouldn't be good.

pilates · 27/09/2017 19:41

Snowboarding once a year
Fishing every couple of months
Tinkering around on his campervan once a week
Gym a couple of times a week
It does seem excessive considering the ages of your children.

OhTheRoses · 27/09/2017 19:43

My DH's hobby is work with a bit of golf, cricket, politics and music thrown in.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 27/09/2017 19:44

If you are all enjoying this then crack on! Sounds fun, better than a fat slob in from of the telly
I would not want OH to do anything that put life or limb in serious danger
And he would also have to do his fair share of house chores/ parenting
And defiantly support me and my hobbies

AuntLydia · 27/09/2017 19:49

How does he fit all that in around work?! When do you ever see him?! Me and DH run plus do gym/exercise classes. Hobbies are good but there is something in between being a couch potato and never being at home

Sunnie1984 · 27/09/2017 19:49

We have a 5 year old, 3 year old and a 6 month old.

My husband goes to the gym three times a week.

Since having children he has given up triathlons, open water swimming, marathon etc.

He has made the choice to put our family first.

I've said I'm happy for him to go skiing with friends, but he says no.

He prefers to spend what limited free time he has (works long hours with international travel) with me and our children.

If he wanted to keep up all these f those hobbies, I would divorce him.

The amount of time those hobbies, plus work, takes up, means he can barely be at home.

I would be resentful and unhappy and may as well do it alone.

I'd be happy for him to do it if it was something one of our children wanted to do and would count as quality time.

As for pissing off diving and paragliding on a family holiday? I'd have cut the glider into ribbons.

They are his children too and he has equal responsibility when he is not working.

Original poster
fiveplusfour · 27/09/2017 20:12

I think what prompted me to post actually is that we've just moved house. Admittedly this was driven by me, but he agreed. The stamp duty was a lot of money and there have been occasions where he's been moaning about how it's experiences that count, not having a bigger house. But what he means by experiences is his own experiences! To me, as the one who is at home a lot more with the kids, the extra space day to day makes more of a difference to our lives than some bloody car racing event!

OP posts:
Longdistance · 27/09/2017 20:19

Dh 45, rugby.

Training on a Thursday evening, watches on a Saturday afternoon, and does the match with the colts on a Sunday 🙄

As you can tell, I'm really pleased by this. My Dh works away some days, so rarely around, so I don't get to do anything. It actually makes me really sad Sad

AppleAndBlackberry · 27/09/2017 20:30

DH has at least 6 interests and there's a lot of stuff in the house and garage related to his interests but the time commitment isn't that big. Probably a few weekends away a year, occasional Saturdays and one to two evenings a week. The rest of it (think Lego) is ad hoc if he has some spare time. Your DH's sounds like a lot. I get that you don't work so you don't necessarily feel like you're doing everything and not getting a break but I wonder if you'd like to see more of him and if the kids would?

WipsGlitter · 27/09/2017 20:35

None really!

He goes to the cinema each week. Messes on his computer.

How do people find the energy for these hobbies!

Although I don't think you can count something you do once or twice a year as a hobby.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 27/09/2017 20:40

Mine is a 32 year old father of three.

He goes to the gym five times a week usually at 6am or after dinner

Cycles most weekends if it's not pouring down. Most he's out is six hours.

Golf or driving range couple times a month

Snowboards in winter if there's snow. There's been none this winter past though

Plays on his computer against friends and chatting to them through headphone or goes round to one of their houses to play about 3/4 times a week

He doesn't go away on weekend trips for anything.

Joeymaynardslimegreendress · 27/09/2017 20:44

Op my dh works away mom to fri on s regular basis usually London but had been abroad many times for weeks/months.

Me, the kids and grand kids are his hobby. Grin we are just 50! So not old but middle aged.

He is an amazing cook and grows our vegs, his hobbies are 'home based' but guess that's because he's away a lot.

Your dh sounds a tad self centered to me

itusedtobeverydifferent · 27/09/2017 20:46

I wish he did have some!

Joeymaynardslimegreendress · 27/09/2017 20:47

I am open mouthed at some posts here though! GoTo really seriously??

My dss are both dads and I would kick their arses if they had this much 'free time'

Ragwort · 27/09/2017 20:52

Not enough Grin - when we met he had loads of hobbies and interests and that is one of the points that really attracted him to me - he was sporty, did volunteering, went to all sorts of interesting classes ........... now he has become a bit of a Victor Meldrew and hardly does anything.

I am the one who is out and about most evenings and weekends Grin - our DC is older so no need for so much 'hands on' parenting. I do think people without hobbies and interests can be a bit dull.

Eilasor · 27/09/2017 20:54

DH is late 20s and does rock climbing, skiing and MMA (Hmm), as well as an advanced English language course (as our children have started to mock his grammar... they're 5). I think your DH does quite a lot for an adult, but it's great to still be so interested in such a range of things throughout life. As long as it isn't disrupting your family life.