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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the reason I can't get divorced is ridiculous?

96 replies

user1487175389 · 26/09/2017 14:32

Me ex wants me to hand over a rare vinyl I'm not even sure I have anymore. Or he won't agree to the financial arrangements. It cost about £10 when we bought it about 7 years ago.

OP posts:
donajimena · 26/09/2017 15:24

I collect Northern Soul Vinyl. Pm me if its on that spectrum

AdoraBell · 26/09/2017 15:28

I'd definitely get the demand in writing and hand it over to your solicitor.

timeismovingon · 26/09/2017 15:30

I assume as you were married that you lived together and you have now split up and he has moved out? If so I assume he took all his stuff with him - if so why didn't he take said record? or does he think it's your responsiblity to know where it is and/or find it and return it.

Personally I would be writing to him asking him why he didn't take it with his stuff, advising him that out of courtesy you have looked for it and can't find it and therefore HE must have mislaid it somewhere or perhaps he could tell you where it is as obviously it's so important to him he would know approximately?

I'm not really sure why it is the OPs problem and why she has to buy one to keep him happy?

amaliaa · 26/09/2017 15:33

I'm not really sure why it is the OPs problem and why she has to buy one to keep him happy?

He has made it the OP's problem by telling her he won't agree to the financial settlement unless she gives him the record. I presume the value of the financial settlement and/or the extra solicitors fees amount to more than the value of the record.

KickAssAngel · 26/09/2017 15:36

Are you even sure that he hasn't got it and is just yanking your chain?

BitOutOfPractice · 26/09/2017 15:47

Oh how utterly pathetic of him. I bet you can't wait to divorce his sorry arse

Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/09/2017 15:54

The worst thing is my solicitor telling me I have to agree to it.

He has essentially moved on with his life while I feel i'll never be free as long as he's allowed to be so petty.

When my solicitor first passed on this demand I responded in kind as he also had something of mine that was of great sentimental value. She responded by saying she was 'not that kind of solicitor' (I get a small amount of Legal Aid to cover this because we went through mediation).

OP posts:
guilty100 · 26/09/2017 15:56

I arranged a list dividing our assets with my exP.

On moving out day, he helped himself to a load of stuff on my side of the bargain. Including, most annoyingly, a dishwasher that he had no space for, which has since sat in his parents' garage for years, rusting. To make matters worse, when unplumbing the dishwasher he left a leak, which proceeded to flood the kitchen. Fortunately, I went over soon after he'd taken the stuff and found this and was able to sort it out. Given that he'd caused a HUGE leak (think whole ground floor ruined, plaster having to be knocked back to brick) just a year before, I was not best pleased with his behaviour. He also did absolutely no cleaning between the leak and moving out, leaving me with a kitchen full of year old rotten food to sort out.

People can be tossers.

SnowBallsAreHere · 26/09/2017 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

guilty100 · 26/09/2017 16:01

user - the main thing is, you get shot of this guy. Think of it as the price of your freedom: the freedom never to have to go through this pettiness again. If someone said you could pay £100 to be rid of him and his power over you, wouldn't it be cheap at the price? Eyes on the prize, girl.

All the time when I was working through that kitchen of rotten stuff, I was thinking "I will be free of this, and I will never, ever have to clean up after you ever again". (He was the kind of guy who never pulled his weight around the house). Every revolting box I threw out was like another link of the chain that bound us together gone.

Quartz2208 · 26/09/2017 16:04

Aside from the ex issue your solicitor sounds awful as if she is just going through the motions - she is allowing you to be caught up in this as well

mummmy2017 · 26/09/2017 16:05

If he runs up the divorce bill with petty demands you can ask the judge for him to pay towards your costs...

ParadiseCity · 26/09/2017 16:07

Find another copy of it. Then steam off the label. Stick it onto Winner Takes It All record and give it back to him...

dodobookends · 26/09/2017 16:08

Your solicitor telling you that you have to agree to it is all very well, so ask them how they propose to proceed now that you have searched everywhere for it and it cannot be found.

You can't give him something you don't have. There is no proof that he left it behind when he went anyway.

Offer the value of it as at the date you split up, or 50% of that if owned jointly.

pallisers · 26/09/2017 16:10

I once spent 19 days trying to settle the financials in a divorce over a Pearl Jam CD. My legal fees alone were over £18,000 by the end of it. Some people have very expensive principles grin

years ago I went to hear John Mortimer read from one of his memoirs. He was saying how he found the move from being a divorce barrister to being a criminal barrister made him much less stressed as in divorce cases you get vicious phone calls in the middle of the night saying "that bitch has taken my record player" but in murder cases the defendant has just gotten rid of the one person in the world who was bugging the crap out of him so a kind of peace has descended.

Hang in there OP. Try to find it. Hand it over. Pay a small child to run up as soon as you hand it over and accidentally smash it.

BorisTrumpsHair · 26/09/2017 16:19

I collect Northern Soul Vinyl. Pm me if its on that spectrum

My ££ is on this being a Norther Soul record Grin

Original poster
user1487175389 · 26/09/2017 16:21

Thanks for all the replies. Sorry I'm not really in the head space to give them my full attention right now - rushing about trying to concoct a dinner the dcs will actually eat. Will check back in later.

OP posts:
riskmatrix · 26/09/2017 16:25

'The winner takes it all' idea is genius!

AcrossthePond55 · 26/09/2017 16:29

My ex took a lot of vinyl that belonged to me before our marriage when I kicked him out. A couple were records with great sentimental value, gifts given to me by a lost friend so irreplaceable in that sense. Yes, I was furious but it was worth the loss to get rid of him.

I would assume that this particular record must be very valuable, money-wise. Is your ex willing to have the value of the record added to your side of the settlement or a 'swap' made for an item (hopefully one he cherishes) of equal value? It's only right that if you are giving up a valuable 'collector's item' that you get an item of similar value in return. Maybe you can suggest an item that he'd rather keep than have the record you currently possess.

I understand you not wanting to give up a valuable and apparently irreplaceable item. But is it really worth having to continue to deal with him?

Elendon · 26/09/2017 16:30

So you have children with this man?

The court will be interested in one thing only. The welfare of the children. A lost record is of little importance in the grand scheme of things.

Slimthistime · 26/09/2017 16:35

your solicitor is telling you this is a reasonable thing?

I'm sorry to say I had a friend experience a ridiculous divorce which ended up in court - I think mostly because with hindsight her solicitor was crap.

What's the alternative? What is he holding over you that you wouldn't get in court anyway? Also slightly concerned that a PP is right and he actually has it.

ShatterResistantRuler · 26/09/2017 16:39

Palliser I moved to criminal practice not long after this case and can completely identify with the sentiment. There was nothing more aggravating to me than ancillary relief where you end up arguing over a butter dish!! Although in this case my advice is that if you can't find it you can't find it, but if you "can't find it" just flipping well find it, and resist the temptation to run a knife down it before you pass it over.

"the principle of the thing" is probably the most expensive thing I ever heard people say to me.

SisyphusHadItEasy · 26/09/2017 16:43

I have boxes of vinyl that have been sitting stored for decades and not touched. I will happily check through them for you.

Might take a few days though, am 200 miles from home with my daughter in the hospital this week.

ShatterResistantRuler · 26/09/2017 16:44

sisyphus just commenting to say I love your username! (sorry to digress)

SaucyJack · 26/09/2017 16:47

If it's Pinky and Perky's Hit Parade, my mum still has it knocking about somewhere.