To still be cross about my mums behaviour at my wedding?

[ProverbialOuthouse]

I was due to get married at 4pm. My maid of honour had stayed at the venue with me the night before so morning if the wedding we had a lovely breakfast, a nice spa bath etc and then MIL and SIL arrived around 11am. The drinks got opened, photos started getting taken and basically the party started. We had our own mini lodge so had plenty of room for all this. Hairdresser arrived, me, maid of honour and SIL got our hair done - my own sister (another bridesmaid) nowhere to be seen.

Around 2pm I started to get my dress on - no sign of my mother or sister. MIL asked where she was to which maid of honour sheepishly said "not here yet". MIL shook her head and then gave me a hug and tried to keep a front on.

3pm more family members started to arrive. No sign of my mother. By now the "pre-party" was starting to wind down and it was all about getting ready for the ceremony.

3.30 my mother turned up, came to the lodge and said "sorry we're late, we went to go and view a flat with your sister - hey it's a lovely flat you should see it!" I wanted to shout "I don't give a fuck about that right now!!" But didn't. She then said they'd also gone to have a look around a local garden centre before hand too. Sister refused to have her hair done by our hairdresser and my mum backed her up saying she didn't need it doing as she'd been to hairdressers earlier that week. She at least put the bridesmaid dress on (reluctantly) but wore no make up and quite frankly looked a fucking mess.

As soon as they got there my mum said "right we're going to go and get sat down, see you in a bit."

My mother in law had been with me all day yet my mother couldn't bring herself to stay with me for 10 minutes before the ceremony???

To top it off they left the reception early as they were "tired" and sister took off the bridesmaid dress immediately after the ceremony and sat there with a face like a slapped arse throughout the reception.

The next day my mum said the wedding was nice but "it was a bit of a long day for everyone wasn't it?" 😲 I snapped "no! It was my wedding day!" She backtracked and said "oh yes I know, it was lovely, we really enjoyed it". A long day??? My mil had been there since fucking breakfast and didn't think of it as a "long day".

My mum later commented that MIL had been "off" with her throughout the wedding. Yes she probably was - because she was fucking fuming about her behaviour.

This was a year and a half ago but I'm still hurt by it all. I wasn't a bridezilla and the wedding was a cheap, low level affair in a country pub. AIBU to think she made no fucking effort whatsoever? Who goes viewing flats and looking around garden shops an hour before their kid's wedding??

It sounds as though your sister is the golden child and you're the scapegoat. Just remember you've got the better role, even if it doesn't feel that way. Because you're no longer under your mother's control. I'm also a scapegoat btw.

Put your feelings and mental health first and sod your mother. You are very blessed to have a lovely mil so do remember that when you're feeling sad and angry.

Some people are selfish and stupid, sometimes envious with all kinds if issues and agendas of their own, fine, but no one ever wants to think that of their own mum, someone they love and often cherish.

It is really difficult to accept your mum and sister are selfish and unkind (at best). It is easier to gloss over and make excuses, but some situations you are forced to see them in their full glory illuminated by your expectations.

Lots and lots of us have been there. For me getting it off my chest and telling her in a matter of fact way your disappointment may release you from the recounting events, as you have said you piece. She can then be prepared for what happens next, which is a massive distancing from you and dh. Downgrade the relationship to the very bare minimum. There might be a point when she sees what has happened has been incredibly damaging to you, or she may not. Either way you need to make your own life without them. Expect nothing. Enjoy a close and loving relationship with your MIL, whom sounds amazing. You have really landed on your feet with her. Focus on the people that truly love you and move on.

" may be reading far too much into this, but ask yourself honestly if she could have been feeling inferior/jealous and your mum was supporting her, knowing that you had other people there to support you."

I'm sure you're right about this. However, I do hate this culture of indulgence of every little feeling anyone has. Yes, weddings are tough for some people. My own one was an awful occasion, and I still feel bereft about that, to the point that I feel a twinge of sadness around weddings. But earlier this year, I agreed to be maid of honour for someone, fully recognising that this meant I had to swallow down everything that triggers negative feelings about weddings and focus on making my friend's day the absolutely best it could be for her as a bride. Wallowing in my own misery would have been unbelievably selfish and inappropriate and I would have been rightly ashamed if I hadn't been able to master my own self-centred feelings enough to lay them entirely to one side and get on with HER day. This is what grown ups do, and it's not some angelic feat of goodness - it's just normal.

You have a fair point, your mother was really unsupportive, and massively to the piss.
BUT/AND
You are hurting yourself by staying angry.
Stating angry with someone is like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to die.

YABU!!!! Your mum sounds like an emotional draining leech. Do you really think she would have been the supportive parent you wanted her to be, if she had been there all day?
Could you imagine how you would have felt at 4pm if your mother and sister had been with you since 10am? Hours and hours of passive aggressiveness comments and general unhelpfulness....your lovely MIL would have probably stepped backed a bit out of respect, so you would have been entirely exposed to whatever mood your mum was in without the wonderful support you ended up having. Worse, your MIL (or someone else) may have pulled your mum up on her behaviour causing a massive scene and atmosphere.....is this really the scenario you are brooding over?
Yes, it was a cunty thing to do but, surely, still the better of two evils. Try to cling on to that thought when you think back.

she sounds toxic. why don't you wait and see how long it takes her to contact you? don't contact her, she obvs doesn't welcome it.

You're not unreasonable to be cross because it's a symptom of how she regards you generally. An isolated incident (hot property, likely to be snapped up straight away, lots of apology and making it up to you) wouldn't rankle as much.

My mother did behave at my wedding ( unlike my graduation) but not without tantrums before hand, and I was relieved when traffic delays meant she missed the rehearsal the night before. She's the type that does engage but has a knack for turning it into being about herself.

I keep her at arms length these days and only have contact a few times a year. There's been a few pretty despicable moments, but largely I was worn down by a drip of negativity. Space is a great healer.

About your sister though, Did you (or your mum) force her to be a bridesmaid? It sounds like she really didn't want to be one or was she excited previously?
If she was, could she have had an argument with your mum that caused her to be in a mood on your wedding and was the real reason for being late?
Have you ever spoken to her about it?

If you haven't already found it, head over to the Stately Homes threads on dysfunctional families on the relationships board.

You know that saying - handsome is as handsome does?

I often think it should also be:

Family is as family does.

Your MIL is great. Hold on to her, she's a great mum figure to you too it seems. You are lucky. Your mum? Not so much, clearly - so only give what you can afford to lose (and don't feel a shred of guilt when she's not the one you call first when you've given birth etc...)

Your mum sounds an insensitive foot in mouth type but did you actually tell her what time you wanted her there?
And saying your sister didn't look up to standard without hair and make up is just mean. Some people don't like wearing make up/getting dressed up. You do sound a bit bridezilla to me I'm afraid.

Honeybee. Excellent way to look at it.

I'm not a psychologist, but I agree with everything many have replied on this thread about your mum being primarily at fault and about her being a narcissist, out to take the happiness out of your big day and make you feel rotten. It sounds absolutely classic behaviour of this kind.

If this is the case, it's just one (particularly outstanding) episode in a lifetime of your mum trying to destroy your self-confidence, and the reason you've not raised it with mum or sis is because you've been trained not to. Only you would know from years of being a kid and finding out what happens on those rare occasions when you dare to confront your mum's behaviour with a sane viewpoint that the backlash is your mum turning on you big time. When you're a child, it's much more of the blaming, bullying and belittling, often in front of others. When you're an adult it's bitching and lying about your behaviour to everyone else and isolating you further, using your sister as an accessory. I bet your mum's acting skills take a lot of people in, usually people who can't quite understand why anyone would behave as irrationally as she has done (because it's outside their sane family experiences) and therefore try to think of all sorts of reasons to excuse her behaviour.

I'm not sure whether there's much point in "confronting" your mother. If you'd done so on your big day, wouldn't entering into her drama have taken away the little pleasure you got out of getting married? Wasn't a big showdown with tears the best result she could have got? And wouldn't mentioning it 18 months later prove to her how powerful she is (although she'd only tell the tale to others as if you were the dysfunctional one to be pitied, raising it and "exaggerating" it after so long)?

Your mum doesn't want to change so having it out with her won't do much. If you had the support of your sister and the rest of your family, confronting her calmly about all her past behaviour from a position of confidence (as you can if you've moved on) in a mature dispassionate way might shift the balance enough for the relationship to become bearable - till she next slides into her old ways. But this doesn't seem to be the case. Your sister seems perfectly happy to back up your mum's behaviour at every step.

I think the only thing someone in your family dynamic can do to survive emotionally is to withdraw, both from your mum and the Golden Child sister enabling this. The more you look after such a person, however reluctantly and merely from a sense of duty, the more they realise they have some sort of control over you, and they will try to spread the harm through your family life. Take control yourself, and then you won't feel so out of sorts when you discover that when your sister has children they get loads of freebies and favouritism that seems to pass yours by. At least your husband's family seem to be sane and have your interests at heart.

I wonder how she would behave if your sister got married and how she would expect you to behave. I wouldn't put myself out if I were you.

Perhaps tell them you'll be along after you have looked round a few flats

I think deep down you are still that child who desperately seeks her mother's love, interest and approval, as all children do, and which normal, loving mothers give unreservedly. But you know that that's never going to happen, because she isn't a normal, loving mother. She clearly favours your sister, and you know that she isn't going to change. If you remove expectation, you remove disappointment, so forget trying to please her, or get her to show any interest in you, and concentrate on the people who show themselves worthy of your love. Your MIL sounds like a true mother to you, not your own mother. I'm sorry you've had such a hard time from her.

At least you have a nice mil. It was your weeding, one day, should think about someone else for one day

Sounds a lot like my mother and sister. My sister created a huge fuss around her bridesmaid's dress and my mother backed her up, making me feel like a bridezilla for even having an opinion about my own wedding. On the day they both faffed around with hair etc then abandoned me at the hairdressers. I was really late getting back to my apartment to put my dress on and I'd had nothing to eat. It was so shit. At no point in the day did any of my family say anything nice to me.

I think occasions like this bring out the shitness of the situation. In everyday life, you can sort of dismiss behaviour, but on your wedding day you can and should expect people to behave well and want the best for you. Unfortunately for dysfunctional people that's just the moment that they use to vomit their utter awfulness all over you. Suddenly, there's no denying the fact that they just don't care. It's very sad.

I totally agree with what guilty said above:
'I'm sure you're right about this. However, I do hate this culture of indulgence of every little feeling anyone has. Yes, weddings are tough for some people. My own one was an awful occasion, and I still feel bereft about that, to the point that I feel a twinge of sadness around weddings. But earlier this year, I agreed to be maid of honour for someone, fully recognising that this meant I had to swallow down everything that triggers negative feelings about weddings and focus on making my friend's day the absolutely best it could be for her as a bride. Wallowing in my own misery would have been unbelievably selfish and inappropriate and I would have been rightly ashamed if I hadn't been able to master my own self-centred feelings enough to lay them entirely to one side and get on with HER day. This is what grown ups do, and it's not some angelic feat of goodness - it's just normal.'

IMO if you attend a wedding then you should do so on the very strict understanding that you are there to support the bride and groom and make their day better, that it is absolutely not at all about you. I am NC with my sister, mentioned above, but if she invited me to her wedding I would attend and I would smile and tell her she was lovely and wish her good luck. Because that it what mature people do.

"Only you would know from years of being a kid and finding out what happens on those rare occasions when you dare to confront your mum's behaviour with a sane viewpoint that the backlash is your mum turning on you big time."

Interestingly though, that isn't what happened. The mum tried it on saying "it was such a long day!" and the OP replied with strength. Mum backed down immediately.

OP if you want to make your mum think twice, I wouldn't try going to her with a grave request for better behaviour. "Mum, I need to talk to you..." etc.

No, what you need to do is make fleeting references to her shit behaviour, as though you have accepted it and everyone around her accepts it and tolerates her, but ultimately thinks she is a bit shit. "Haha, yeah you guys were pretty out of hand at my wedding, no one could believe it! Anyway, cup of tea?" It will embarrass her and she will be speechless. It lets her know that you know what she is up to, others see it too and judge her for it. People like this only get away with their shit because people "allow" them to. Because they are normal people who don't act like jerks :( and most people react to confrontational, narcissistic behaviour by withdrawing and remaining silent.

Sorry OP, what a crappy way to be treated on your wedding day. Sounds like your MIL has the measure of her!