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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still be cross about my mums behaviour at my wedding?

93 replies

ProverbialOuthouse · 26/09/2017 07:53

I was due to get married at 4pm. My maid of honour had stayed at the venue with me the night before so morning if the wedding we had a lovely breakfast, a nice spa bath etc and then MIL and SIL arrived around 11am. The drinks got opened, photos started getting taken and basically the party started. We had our own mini lodge so had plenty of room for all this. Hairdresser arrived, me, maid of honour and SIL got our hair done - my own sister (another bridesmaid) nowhere to be seen.

Around 2pm I started to get my dress on - no sign of my mother or sister. MIL asked where she was to which maid of honour sheepishly said "not here yet". MIL shook her head and then gave me a hug and tried to keep a front on.

3pm more family members started to arrive. No sign of my mother. By now the "pre-party" was starting to wind down and it was all about getting ready for the ceremony.

3.30 my mother turned up, came to the lodge and said "sorry we're late, we went to go and view a flat with your sister - hey it's a lovely flat you should see it!" I wanted to shout "I don't give a fuck about that right now!!" But didn't. She then said they'd also gone to have a look around a local garden centre before hand too. Sister refused to have her hair done by our hairdresser and my mum backed her up saying she didn't need it doing as she'd been to hairdressers earlier that week. She at least put the bridesmaid dress on (reluctantly) but wore no make up and quite frankly looked a fucking mess.

As soon as they got there my mum said "right we're going to go and get sat down, see you in a bit."

My mother in law had been with me all day yet my mother couldn't bring herself to stay with me for 10 minutes before the ceremony???

To top it off they left the reception early as they were "tired" and sister took off the bridesmaid dress immediately after the ceremony and sat there with a face like a slapped arse throughout the reception.

The next day my mum said the wedding was nice but "it was a bit of a long day for everyone wasn't it?" 😲 I snapped "no! It was my wedding day!" She backtracked and said "oh yes I know, it was lovely, we really enjoyed it". A long day??? My mil had been there since fucking breakfast and didn't think of it as a "long day".

My mum later commented that MIL had been "off" with her throughout the wedding. Yes she probably was - because she was fucking fuming about her behaviour.

This was a year and a half ago but I'm still hurt by it all. I wasn't a bridezilla and the wedding was a cheap, low level affair in a country pub. AIBU to think she made no fucking effort whatsoever? Who goes viewing flats and looking around garden shops an hour before their kid's wedding??

OP posts:

KimmySchmidt1 · 26/09/2017 09:24

your mum is an arsehole, why didnt you tell her at the time that you didnt care what the flat looked like? All this bottling things up while she spews out what she likes - its not healthy in the long rum.

Communicate your feelings.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 26/09/2017 09:28

Dreadful behaviour from your Mother and Sister, and I am not surprised that you are still hurting. However, you have been blessed with a wonderful MIL. 💐

PrimalLass · 26/09/2017 09:31

Has she always been overly obsessed with your sister? I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I would withdraw and have nothing to do with her.

Leilaniii · 26/09/2017 09:32

Is your DSis less successful than you, in her career and life in general?

Dothedodah · 26/09/2017 09:33

Communication is important here.

You need to call her out on her behaviour and tell her you found it hurtful.

You sound very passive and a peace keeper type person. Perhaps you need to be more assertive and speak up.

MissMisery · 26/09/2017 09:36

Sounds like a classic case of the 'green-eyed monster' to me. What a pair of idiots. They knew exactly what they were doing...

However, as a PP has said, time to let it go. 'The best revenge is living well' and all that.

NC04 · 26/09/2017 09:43

It'll be her loss when your children are closer to your inlaws than they are to her.

I presume your sister is the golden child and you're the scapegoat? I fear that your mother will be all over your sister's wedding if she's not married already. She'll probably try to make you spend lots of time, if not money, making it the perfect day for her. I'd start practicing saying no now.

Sorry to hear what happened. Your MIL sounds great, though!

guilty100 · 26/09/2017 09:43

You should say something, have the conversation about this. I'm willing to bet there's more to it than appears here - your sister must have had reasons to be so offensive and offish. Maybe she was jealous, or sad about a failed relationship/marriage of her own?? I'm not excusing her behaviour in saying this - if you agree to be someone's maid of honour, you agree to be there with them, and to put aside whatever your own feelings might be to put them first. It sounds like there was a deliberate strategy here by your sibling to avoid most of your day - it's worth finding out why, what her reasons were, but whatever they are, it's selfish behaviour. The fact that your mother went along with this is also worthy of investigation. I suspect the answers you get may help you to calibrate your relationship with the pair of them for the future.

hellymart · 26/09/2017 09:44

Sounds as though your sister might have been the one who had the problem - was she jealous of you getting married and p*ssed off at having to be a bridesmaid? The fuss that your mum made of her that day (ie: on YOUR big day) - going to see a flat with her, etc - and then the fact that she took her dress off as soon as she could and sat there looking miserable, would suggest SHE was not happy - and your mum was trying to make her feel better? Not, btw that I'm suggesting this excuses their awful behaviour but that's just how it sounds to me. (Thank God I don't have a sister!). Agree it was terrible BUT don't let it ruin your memories of your wedding day, otherwise, as others have said, 'the bitches have won'! Leave them to it - don't ring or make much effort with them - put your energy and your love into those people who care about you. Big hugs.

albertatrilogy · 26/09/2017 09:51

I suppose that I'm not sure what people are supposed to do in the hours immediately before a wedding. If the practical arrangements have been made and you know that the important guests have arrived, isn't that enough.

Sometimes everybody milling around can be a bit much.

My husband's daughter got married recently and we spent the morning before that exploring the nearby small town and going to a nature reserved.

I think the underlying problem is the your mother isn't the loving person you want and need her to be. Sometimes we want the big occasions to bring out the best in people. But sadly, as in this case, it doesn't happen.

What does help is if other people - your friends, other relatives, your husband and his family - are loving and supportive.

mumofthemonsters808 · 26/09/2017 09:55

That's an awful story, the one positive is that it sounds like you have a lovely MIL.At the time you should of had it out with her, but you didn't so the hurt has festered and it is quite shittey behaviour to get beyond. But you do need to be at peace, this can't be the strongest memory of your wedding day. So you can either accept it, or you can confront her and tell her exactly how you feel. I'm a big believer in the second option because at least you'll get things off your chest, it won't change anything, but it's good for the soul to be free of all our upset

DeadDoorpost · 26/09/2017 09:55

I wouldn't say YWBU. My wedding was 2 years ago and I'm still annoyed at the way my DM was the night before the wedding. And throughout the whole thing tbh. She was useless and made me feel like crap. My sister was my MoH and took her aside and yelled her down for how she was acting. The day of she was pretty quiet and didn't act up.
I do why a pp said and have low expectations. That's why when anything decent happens I get a nice little shock. But I can't see her ever changing.

JigglyTuff · 26/09/2017 09:56

That is really shit. YANBU unreasonable at all. Have you looked at the Stately Homes thread? You're not the only one with a toxic family I'm afraid :(

I'm glad you've married into a lovely family though. Your MIL sounds fabulous

GwenStaceyRocks · 26/09/2017 09:58

I agree with alberta . I don't think this is really about what you do before a wedding. My DH ended up working the morning of our wedding and I was on the phone to relatives, the venue and caterers trying to fit in a relative whose shifts had changed.
My point is that people have different expectations.
The real issue is that you feel your DM treats you unfairly and there is a competitiveness with your DSIS for your DM's affection. That's difficult to bear and I sympathise entirely with that

ittakes2 · 26/09/2017 10:01

You have every right to be mad. I had also assumed my mother would be there beforehand and that she would help me put my dress and veil on etc. My 4 sisters and my best friend were there - my mum was walking her dog. When I found out my sister rang my dad and he came early and helped me with my veil. For him that was a special moment which became a highlight of his day so that was some consolation. The first time I saw my mum was at the wedding. After the wedding we went off to have our photos done and then we came back for the evening meal - we walked in to applause and went to our bridal table ready for the meal. Where was my mum? Walking her dog. We started without her. She arrived when most people were almost finished eating. She was meant to be sitting next to me but I made my dad swap places and I refused to speak to her. I was pretty mad at her for a long time i.e. 1-2 years but eventually got over it - as they say time is a healer - I hope you find that too.

LucieLucie · 26/09/2017 10:01

Sorry they weren’t there for you on your big day @ProverbialOuthouse

It was shitty of them to go viewing flats and on the day of your wedding then also leave early. Not normal behaviour but I’d suspect it was driven by your dsis, in an effort to drive your mothers attention back onto herself.

My mother and sister are the same, I’ve gone no contact with my shitty sister and very low contact with my mother and it feels so much better. There’s no expectation any more so no disappointments.

People are weird, you can’t choose who your family are but you can choose to cut them out.

Don’t let them take up any more negative head space about your wedding. Focus on the good things, particularly your MIL who was there for you the whole day.

sparklymarion · 26/09/2017 10:06

My mil is amazing but my mam well she's annoying and lacks effort with me but she's my Mam and she is who she is she won't change shel never give me what I want or used to need I've accepted that !

It's hard when you remember a negative from an even I remember my husbands speech was crap but there was probably lovely things from the day that he said and he was very nervous I tortured my husband for years saying he's let me down on my big day and he did not he's made up for it since.. try to think of the positive of your day x I have a lovely day but weddings are hard there built up so much and go so fast and it becomes about everyone else but you can't remember seeing hubby as we were entertaining guests ....

I'm seventeen years in to marriage though so something must be right x

recklessgran · 26/09/2017 10:07

I really feel for you and understand your difficulty in getting over this. My mother didn't even come to my wedding as my father was giving me away and she didn't want to see him. [Acrimonious divorce]. I have never got over it but my mother is awful anyway and I don't have a close relationship with her.

Yvetteballs · 26/09/2017 10:11

I think they were both overwhelmed in different ways.
Your mum will have had complicated feelings of jealousy regarding your age, your independence etc and your sister will have been jealous simply because it wasn't her wedding.
So they pooled their negative feelings and sought comfort in sabotaging the edges of your wedding together.
I don't like the sound of them based on your description. I don't think you should feel bad at all. You didn't behave badly. I'd see less of them if I were in your shoes

scrabbler3 · 26/09/2017 10:12

Poor behaviour. Definitely. However, (and I don't wish to be rude about your sister) I'm wondering if she is single, without a profession, and feels less physically attractive? Maybe the day was difficult for her if so, and your mum felt that she needed her more than you did. Refusing hair and makeup as a bridesmaid implies that she might have stopped caring about her appearance - I may be reading far too much into this, but ask yourself honestly if she could have been feeling inferior/jealous and your mum was supporting her, knowing that you had other people there to support you.

elevenclips · 26/09/2017 10:18

Some people are bitches. You were unlucky to get one as your mum.

rainbowlou · 26/09/2017 10:18

Mu Mum was far too stressed about her hair and outfit to help me on the day! She didn’t speak to me all day for some reason (jealous it wasn’t all about her as usual I think!) and as a result I have no photos of her and me together...it’s her loss and I’m learning everyday from her how not to be a parent when my children are adults and have their own families x
for you x

ladystarkers · 26/09/2017 10:20

They sound vile.

ladystarkers · 26/09/2017 10:21

What elevenclips said.

Mix56 · 26/09/2017 10:22

My mother always preferred my brothers, their wives & their kids.
She said to me as she got old & infirm "I always wondered if you felt left out". It wasn't a mistake, it wasn't "unthoughtful" it was deliberate.
I didn't invite her to my wedding. it was my day, I wanted to remember it with happiness, something she would have put a pall over
No regrets.
You don't choose your family, like you do your friends, personally I would avoid her as much as possible. She doesn't call you, so that makes you call her. Don't, just stop.
Your sister is the same, selfish & enjoys being the golden child.
You would be happier for distancing yourself from both of them. Permanently

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