To still be cross about my mums behaviour at my wedding?

[ProverbialOuthouse]

I was due to get married at 4pm. My maid of honour had stayed at the venue with me the night before so morning if the wedding we had a lovely breakfast, a nice spa bath etc and then MIL and SIL arrived around 11am. The drinks got opened, photos started getting taken and basically the party started. We had our own mini lodge so had plenty of room for all this. Hairdresser arrived, me, maid of honour and SIL got our hair done - my own sister (another bridesmaid) nowhere to be seen.

Around 2pm I started to get my dress on - no sign of my mother or sister. MIL asked where she was to which maid of honour sheepishly said "not here yet". MIL shook her head and then gave me a hug and tried to keep a front on.

3pm more family members started to arrive. No sign of my mother. By now the "pre-party" was starting to wind down and it was all about getting ready for the ceremony.

3.30 my mother turned up, came to the lodge and said "sorry we're late, we went to go and view a flat with your sister - hey it's a lovely flat you should see it!" I wanted to shout "I don't give a fuck about that right now!!" But didn't. She then said they'd also gone to have a look around a local garden centre before hand too. Sister refused to have her hair done by our hairdresser and my mum backed her up saying she didn't need it doing as she'd been to hairdressers earlier that week. She at least put the bridesmaid dress on (reluctantly) but wore no make up and quite frankly looked a fucking mess.

As soon as they got there my mum said "right we're going to go and get sat down, see you in a bit."

My mother in law had been with me all day yet my mother couldn't bring herself to stay with me for 10 minutes before the ceremony???

To top it off they left the reception early as they were "tired" and sister took off the bridesmaid dress immediately after the ceremony and sat there with a face like a slapped arse throughout the reception.

The next day my mum said the wedding was nice but "it was a bit of a long day for everyone wasn't it?" 😲 I snapped "no! It was my wedding day!" She backtracked and said "oh yes I know, it was lovely, we really enjoyed it". A long day??? My mil had been there since fucking breakfast and didn't think of it as a "long day".

My mum later commented that MIL had been "off" with her throughout the wedding. Yes she probably was - because she was fucking fuming about her behaviour.

This was a year and a half ago but I'm still hurt by it all. I wasn't a bridezilla and the wedding was a cheap, low level affair in a country pub. AIBU to think she made no fucking effort whatsoever? Who goes viewing flats and looking around garden shops an hour before their kid's wedding??

She says really thoughtless shit like "I hope your sister doesn't get affected by the NHS shortages, hopefully it's just the nurses it will effect" I'm a fucking nurse!!!!

Good god, Proverbial, she sounds so thoughtless and badly behaved, no wonder you are so upset.

I suppose the only thing I can offer is that yes, you were absolutely justified in being hurt by your mum's behaviour, both on your wedding day and generally in your life, but that you also know that it's unlikely to change. Only you can decide what kind of relationship you have with her in the future, with this in mind. You might decide, for example, that it is what it is, and that you will continue to spend time with her but not ever expect anything - including reasonable behaviour - from her.

In better news, your MIL sounds lovely.

R/raisedbynarcissists on reddit.

This is the kind of shit my mum would try to pull. I eloped for that reason. 3 years later it actually hurts more.

Your mum sounds like a classic narcissist.

At my graduation my mother brought a gift. For my housemate. Who was not graduating. I had the nerve to look pissed off. She marched me outside and got up in my face screaming and swearing. Because I'd embarrassed her in front of my dad (her ex) and his wife.

YANBU

I don't think you are BU at all. She behaved badly on you wedding day and it seems that is part of a wider pattern of behaviour.
This is a cliche because it is so true:- "You can't change another person's behaviour - you can only change how you respond to it". You are still spending a portion of each day feeling hurt by her treatment of you. This is because she appears to be oblivious to it. Please start holding her to account. So if she hopes NHS cuts only affect nurses, give her the MN Classic "Did is you mean to be so rude?". If she says MiL was off with her, agree with her 'Yes, Mum she probably was. I know she felt you treated me very poorly on the day of my wedding. We were both very disappointed in you". You will gradually feel better when you stop sucking this up. My own mother has started to behave better since being calmly confronted with her own behaviour. I just say "that wasn't a very kind thing to say/do" & she backs off.

Yes, she was shit!
The best thing you can do is focus on what is right with life. My life got better when I realised my Mum would never by the Mum I would have chosen (but sounds better than yours x100000) I just let her be marginally crap and got in with what made ME happy without pandering to the negative feelings that she elicited.

I suppose the reason I'm still dwelling on it is because it's just an example of her behaviour towards me.

I must admit, when I read your OP I did wonder if her behaviour was symptomatic of how she acts towards you in general.

You can't change her - what you can change is how you react. Yes it is so shitty that your Mum doesn't seem to care. Yes, it is very hard when people do have those close relationships and you wish that you had it too. But if you can accept the fact that it won't - and will never - be what you want, then things will get much easier.

I have a very tricky relationship with my DM; she can be very difficult. I also have first hand experience of the shitty wedding behaviour (she really did comprehensively ruin the day, so much so I spent the first day of our honeymoon in tears). Adjusting my expectations has helped me to learn not to be upset and disappointed - because I don't expect her to be any different. The problem with a wedding is that it's a bit like Christmas - there's a lot of build up and stereotypical hype about how things are going to go and then the day itself can be a let-down if it doesn't conform to what was in your head.

Your MIL sounds lovely - build a close relationship with her. My MIL was a great woman; funny and kind. Sadly she's no longer with us but in a lot of ways I was closer to her than my Mum and I still miss her now. Focus on the people who do love you.

Are you fed up with your life at the moment anyway op? Are you looking for something to dwell on? Make yourself busy. Get it out of your head. I am sorry she was like this, is your sister perhaps to blame?

Your mum sounds like a right cow. Doesn't sound like this came out of the blue, though - it sounds as though there's a long history of thoughtless (at best) or abusive (at worst) behaviour towards you.

Would you consider going NC or LC? How about writing this all down and either giving your mum the letter, or burning it? To help you move on?

What's your relationship like with your sister generally?

"Is your sister to blame?"

This is such a daft question. The mother is a grown woman who chose to behave like she diD.

There's no excuse for cunty behaviour.

Painful as it is, I think you need to lower your expectations of your mother and stop bothering to share anything with her because any interaction with her is always going to be all about her. She sounds like bloody hard work.

I often wonder about this withholding dynamic between mothers and daughters. My mother is exactly the same. It's as though they enjoy taking the shine of things for you and slyly showing their preference for other people; my Mum always preferred my friends and used to be so charming and funny with them. When she met my husband she took him aside and said "you've picked a difficult one there but she's worth the effort in the end" on the surface nice enough but such a poisoned chalice, he treated me like shit for years on the back of that "see even your own mother can't stand you". What is it? Is it to keep us in line? Not get above ourselves? There must be a name for it.

YANBU and I would echo the comments made by respondents who think of your mother as a narcissist. It is precisely the sort of stunt such disordered people would pull on the family scapegoat, they wanted to make your wedding day really about them. Your sister is a carbon copy of your mother and her willing enabler. There is no point at all telling these people how you feel; they know and they do not care.

Raise your boundaries with these people and limit all contact to a bare minimum.

Yanbu. She's sound terrible. I know it's hard not to dwell because I tend to do the same. But try to focus on the good bits and how wonderful your mil was and just enjoy a happy marriage. That's the important bit.

Personally yes it does mean she loves you less. I think you need to accept this (fair enough to be angry etc but to stop hoping it will change) thank goodness for your new family.

whose idea was it to see the new flat?

anyway, have you thought about Having it out with her?

When I used to get wound up I would mow the lawn, do somethign physical op. get it out of your system. take up kick boxing

MsGameandWatching,

Narcissists withhold because they know it will cause you pain and distress. It will make you feel unwanted, unloved, useless and undesired. They are conditioning you to never act so “needy” again. How do they do that? Well, by consistently withholding whatever it is that they are withholding, they are indirectly teaching you how to act and behave. They are conditioning you to stop a certain behaviour or change how you do things.

Narcissists keep harems because they love to have their egos stroked and they need constant validation from the outside world to feed their need for excessive admiration andconfirm their grandiose sense of self-importance. They are clever chameleons who are also people-pleasers, morphing into whatever personality suits them in situations with different types of people. It is no surprise, then, that the narcissist begins a smear campaign against you not too long after the discard phase, in order to paint you as the unstable one, and that this is usually successful with the narcissist’s support network which also tends to consist of other narcissists, people-pleasers, empaths, as well as people who are easily charmed.

This smear campaign accomplishes three things: 1) it depicts you as the abuser or unstable person and deflects your accusations of abuse, 2) it provokes you, thus proving your instability to others when trying to argue his or her depiction of you, and 3) serves as a hoovering technique in which the narcissist seeks to pull you back into the trauma of the relationship as you struggle to reconcile the rumors about you with who you actually are by speaking out against the accusations. The only way to not get pulled into this tactic is by going full No Contact with both the narcissist and his or her harem.

Yanbu

Auch, I feel for you, OP. My mum behaved on my wedding day but in general, my brother gets all of her attention and care. In my case it's actually more because my brother is a massive attention-demanding narcissist and my mum is scared that he'll cut her off if she doesn't give in to his every whim, whereas she knows no matter how she treats me I'll be there. So I feel a little bit sorry for her in some ways. Whereas your mum and sister both sound like selfish nightmares. I'm so sorry, but so glad your MIL seems to be loving and warm.

Do youy think that she would have spent the day with you if your MIL wasn't going to be there?

You have my sympathies.. sounds exactly like my mother. I'm no contact now after years of mental anguish and dawning realisation she was never going to change. It still hurts but I'm slowly getting over some of the more hurtful behaviour. It does diminish with no contact as she can't keep prodding.

I agree with everyone else. Her behaviour was awful but is it symptomatic of family dynamics? Because what would pee me off most is that she prioritised your sister ( who sounds like a spoilt madam who couldnt bear for you to have the attention you deserved on your special day ) over you on your wedding day.
Truly awful behaviour by both of them . So sorry you still feel so sad and annoyed about it after 18 months. You deserved better. X

I'm not surprised you were upset. Garden centres and flats can be visited anytime but this was your wedding day. It was thoughtless of them. Is there more going on here? Is your sister moody? Does mum pander to her? In any case it's probably best to put it behind you and try not to be bitter about it. Concentrate on the more important things in life.

You need to go No Contact with this PITA mother and the PITA sister.

She shows a lot of narcissistic traits treating your sister as the Golden Child and you as the ScapeGoat.
If you carry on making allowances for her behaviour she will carry on hurting you.
You MIL sounds absolutely lovely and she is showing you how a genuine caring mother would behave to her child.

You have got a lovely MIL who is willing to be there for you but don't say too much about this to your mother as she will go out of her way to cause trouble for you.

YANBU Op - it's shit behaviour.
Funnily enough, similar happened to me on my wedding day but it was my in-laws. They apparently turned up to the church seconds before I did and my mum was seriously panicking that something had happened to them. She said "Oh thank goodness, where have you been?!" They took offence to that and never spoke to her again. Seriously. The answer was that they had been "sorting out an argument" between BIL and his then gf. Wtf?!

Then in between the wedding breakfast and the reception they went to get changed and missed the 7pm start. In fact, they didn't turn up until 10:30 Again, allegedly sorting out this same argument. We waited hours and hours to cut the cake, do the first dance, etc. I'm still angry at their stupid selfish behaviour. I mean, WHO prioritises an argument between one son and his gf over participating in their other son's wedding????

And then to top it all off, the arguing SIL hopped into the wedding car as we left to go to our hotel because she didnt think we would mind seeing as "we're all staying in the same place " For the record, we did mind. A lot.

Fucking weird family. My divorce is due any day now

how horribl-my late dm and dsis werent particularly close but she done everything she could on her wedding day-just no thought was there although your sis didnt help much either

OP, your mother may or may not be a narcissist, it's not that clear to me, but what does come across is that she and/or your sister think that you are capable and can manage on your own. Rightly or wrongly they may think that your sister wants or needs more time and attention from your mother since you are very capable and can manage fine without them. They could have been overwhelmed at the prospect of your wedding day party and just didn't see themselves as part of it.