To put all of yesterday's washing up on DH's car bonnet

[drfostersbra]

I cook, DH washes up. Well that's the agreement that we come to every few months after a huge row when I ask why he has decided not to wash up again.

If there's one thing that pushes my buttons, it's coming downstairs in the morning after cooking a lovely meal the night before and finding stinking dirty washing up.

I'm at home all day with our very mobile baby today and there's no side board space to prepare food and a bad smell that I have to sit with all day.

Bastard.
So would I be U to put it all in on his car bonnet so he will need to move it before he starts his day (as I will have to do)
It annoys me that it's always good for a few months then he leaves it for one night, I let it go, 2 nights I think 'oh he must be tired I'll do it', 3 nights hmm he's slacking. 4 nights arggggh!

[TheLegendOfBeans]

@NettleTheElf sweet holy Jesus, I'm staggered. That's at once a beauty and grounds for divorce.

@nanimobars I'm guessing you're speaking from personal experience? This is how it runs in your house and you're fine with it? Bully for you. Most of us wish for a greater balance in our relationships than playing skivvy to a man who evidently doesn't care.

[keepcalmandfuckon]

Nani
The 1950's called and wants its apron back.

[PickAChew]

Bloody Nora!

I sit on my arse while dh washes up. I'm the one who gets home with ds2 at 5:15 and has meals appropriate to everyone's different food aversions on the table by 6 (DH spends this time mostly sat down) and then jumps up again when DH finished the dishes and spends an hour doing various other bits and bobs.

[Danceswithwarthogs]

I love "post-it note Mary"(or any of the other examples of proving that this isn't about the housework itself as much as his behaviour shows disregard for you and your feelings/needs)

I genuinely believe that the enemy of a happy marriage (however it functions or how 1950's (or not) you are) is selfishness. If both sides endeavor to put the other's needs before their own, he would not be doing this to you, would be going out of his way to show he appreciates all you do, and in return you are more likely to cut him some slack, cook something he really likes and definitely more likely to feel affectionately inclined at bedtime. I don't know why so many men don't get this.... Happy wife, happy life.

[LuluJakey1]

I do more than DH because I am SAHM at the minute and he works long hours but he does his fair share. I don't think it os reasonable that a man does nothing especially if you both work part-time.

Could he not do the cooking and you the washing up? Or could he not do other things like floors, hoovering, washing?

Does he do his fair share with the baby?

[wowbutter]

My DH and I have the same agreement.
When he occasionally doesn't do it, I don't cook, and my children and I eat a picnic tea, and I leave him to sort himself and the dishes.
Or, if it's cold or I have sleeping I fancy, I put the dishes in the back step (he come in and out this way after work) and get on with my day.
He then has two days work of washing up, and has to move them all back in.

I sure a shit don't do his job for him. And inevitably I'm so cross when he does it, he bucks up and pulls his weight for the next six months.

His job is not just the washing up, but to clean the whole kitchen, so surfaces and sweep the floor, and put dry washing up away. The days he doesn't do any of it, he gets a list, with extra work on it.

Act like a child, get treated like a child. That's what happens in our house. I don't forget to do my share of the jobs, so he has no such need to infantilise me.


I may have also hidden his iPad when I've been very cross with him being a lazy arse, but I'm not proud of that. Gets results though.

[PoorYorick]

I don't know why so many men don't get this.... Happy wife, happy life.

To he honest, I can understand, given our culture, why some of them might need to be told, although goodness knows plenty of them are smart, aware and just plain decent enough to figure it out.

But what does worry me is when a wife tells him frankly how she's feeling, how his belief that her time and energy are worth less, in a nutshell 'duck you Mary ', and he still continues to treat her like fucking dirt, like she exists to clean up after him and enable his passions and desires while being too buried in housework and his fucking mess to have any of her own.

It is serious and yes, I'd divorce over it. I can't imagine being on my deathbed and realising that was what I did with my life...clean up after some entitled prick who thought it was beneath him and his grand endeavours but totally fine for a lesser being like a mere woman.

[TheLegendOfBeans]

@Danceswithwarthogs nails it thus:

I genuinely believe that the enemy of a happy marriage (however it functions or how 1950's (or not) you are) is selfishness

But I'd add that selfishness breeds resentment which - left untreated - is a cancer that will kill any relationship.

[drfostersbra]

Thanks for all of your points of view. I know this is in AIBU so usually frivolous but it's been really helpful to vent here.

[PoorYorick]

You need to do more than vent though, OP....this can't continue. He won't get better with age.

[PickAChew]

Has he washed up yet?

[plominoagain]

When we first got together , DH used to do this . A lot . I'd would be coming home from an early shift , to find he had gone to late shift leaving all his breakfast and lunch dishes sitting on top of the (empty) dishwasher . It used to drive me fucking nuts . So much so , that when he would come home from late turn , and I'd would be on nights , he'd find the whole lot still there , and then have to try and find another clean cup to drink out of , only to be unable to do so. Because every clean cup, plate and utensil was in my car . At work . Forty miles away .

After the second time , he learned. Mind you serving his dinner up one night on an already used plate also worked ...

[drfostersbra]

Yes he washed up as soon as he got in with no complaints he had to go on a dirty washing up hunt in his studio. I feel mean and want to apologise for calling him a twat, pushing him out of the way when he was trying to cluck me from dumping it all in his studio and shouting my head if at him but I also want to come up with a solution.
He's been lovely all evening. But I feel concerned about my temper. I don't want DD growing up around arguments like that :(

[drfostersbra]

Block not cluck

[paq]

I don't blame you for shouting. I would not hesitate to do the same if he slacked off again.

[JaneEyre70]

I usually find stacking it neatly in DHs side of the bed / DDs beds works the best for me. I've only ever had to do it twice................. Never give in, even if it nearly kills you!!

[Butterymuffin]

It shows that just sucking it up doesn't work. What works is making the point that it's really unacceptable. I can see why you want to not shout and stamp around to make that point, but at least it's been made and no harm done.

[PickAChew]

So long as your response is proportionate, it's good for your DD to see you not putting up with shit. OK, so hopefully, you didn't call him a twat in her earshot, but don't lose the anger, even if the verbal expression needs modification (I would still dump it all in his studio, like!)

[lynmilne65]

You are assuming that a. they can afford one b. theres room for one. My kitchen is tiny and no
No space for a table top one!

[drfostersbra]

I think any of my friends would think my response was disproportionate. They're of the 'oh just get it done no point in arguing over housework' tribe.
But there's something about it that offends me to my core. Why should I allow someone/ anyone to take the loss out of me? I'm a teacher so although I work a 2 day week, I really work a three day week with all the planning and marking I squeeze in in the evenings and middle of the night.
We have an agreement and he didn't stick to it. He was fully sheepish last night thiough.
I hate being pushed to fury but then I must take responsibility for my own anger and not put it on him e.g. You made me sweat at you because you're not doing exactly what I want you to do that's abusive and controlling I think.

[expatinscotland]

Stop apologising! He's the one who should be. He has no respect for you when he does this, agrees to something and then reneges. Your 1950s friends are neither here nor there, they allow someone to use them as a domestic appliance.

[Ropsleybunny]

It isn't controlling, you get mad at him because he's not doing something he's agreed to do. Sometimes our anger is the catalyst for change. Do not think you're to blame in any way because if you do, it's him that's being abusive.

[MorrisZapp]

If you went mental, it's his fault anyway. Women tell men how they feel all the time. If men continue to ignore it until there are tears/shouting/dramatic scenes then that's their bloody look out.

'Why didn't you tell me you felt like this' is a line I've heard countless times from men I've told how I felt a hundred times a day.

[drfostersbra]

I'm not apologising and I haven't. I am just aware that if a man called a woman a tear, screamed at her, pushed her out of the way they could rightly be called abusive.

[speakout]

OP I understand your frustration, but you are also right to be concerned about your temper.
Pushing a spouse is never a good idea.

There are far more natural consequences that employ no aggression.