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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put all of yesterday's washing up on DH's car bonnet

377 replies

drfostersbra · 26/09/2017 06:07

I cook, DH washes up. Well that's the agreement that we come to every few months after a huge row when I ask why he has decided not to wash up again.

If there's one thing that pushes my buttons, it's coming downstairs in the morning after cooking a lovely meal the night before and finding stinking dirty washing up.

I'm at home all day with our very mobile baby today and there's no side board space to prepare food and a bad smell that I have to sit with all day.

Bastard.
So would I be U to put it all in on his car bonnet so he will need to move it before he starts his day (as I will have to do)
It annoys me that it's always good for a few months then he leaves it for one night, I let it go, 2 nights I think 'oh he must be tired I'll do it', 3 nights hmm he's slacking. 4 nights arggggh!

OP posts:
Daydreamerbynight · 26/09/2017 08:05

I swear some of these posters are 1950's doormats.

Pilgit · 26/09/2017 08:14

As a previous poster said - it's not about the dishes. It's about the contempt for the agreement and her time. It's about a lack of basic respect. Stick to your guns - demand respect.

PurpleMinionMummy · 26/09/2017 08:16

Oh I remember this argument well. He's much better now but it used to drive me crazy. Especially when he left it a couple of days and I'd start to run out of stuff so had to wash it up myself.

If he will come in and cook when you don't maybe that's the answer, he cooks and you wash up?

No way should you do everything.

banivani · 26/09/2017 08:19

Dishwashers still have to be loaded and unloaded, pans that don't fit have to washed, counters wiped down etc - getting a dishwasher doesn't solve the problem. If the OP:s husband had a shared sense of responsability for the tasks, and saw them as necessary things to do and just occassionally lapsed it wouldn't be a problem, she'd pick up the slack. But he's not pulling his weight, he's not an equal partner. I agree, take the fight now. It's not fair that you have to play parent to him too, but hopefully he'll get it, change, and you'll have an equal partner in the end.

ProfessorCat · 26/09/2017 08:20

I love the way people say oh just "get a dishwasher".

I'd KILL for a dishwasher. Dishes are the bane of my existence. I'm disabled, I can't reach the sink and if DH leaves them as he quite often does, they smell all day.

However, I can't afford food some weeks, never mind a dishwasher. Going from working full time to nothing is not easy. Then my kitchen is awkward so I'd need all new plumbing and somewhere for it to drain. It would cost a fortune and is money I am never going to have. So it isn't as easy as just get a dishwasher.

Kailoer · 26/09/2017 08:22

How about this: have a grown up conversation about chores, how you interpret his actions, etc.

If he's like this long term perhaps you just want different things.

But starting with an adult conversation isbest. Not passive aggressive tricks

Runningpear · 26/09/2017 08:26

My DH thinks whoever cooks should also wash up. I disagree.
I started a thread on it ages ago, it was pointed out to me if you make a massive mess whilst cooking, using every pan in the house etc, it is unfair to expect the other person to clear it up. Not saying this is the definitely the case with either me or OP but does he think you've made an unreasonable mess maybe?

Ragwort · 26/09/2017 08:29

Do these men suddenly change overnight when you have a child together?

What happened before you had a child?

My DH and I had both owned and 'managed' our own homes before we got married so I knew I was marrying a 'fully functioning adult' (love that expression Grin). And we waited for 10 years until we had a child so that I knew he was 'fully on board' with everything being a parent involves. I appreciate that wouldn't suit everyone.

How can you even share a bed with someone who is so selfish and uncaring? Sad

Original poster
drfostersbra · 26/09/2017 08:34

I've just gone full banshee on him and put all of the washing up in his studio all over his recording desks, floor and instruments.
Telling shouting at him that he's not keeping his side of the deal he's a fucking lazy child and I should find someone who is able to be a fucking adult.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 26/09/2017 08:34

'He has a tendency towards eating bowls of cereal for tea (food isn't important to him) whereas i love nutritious food and need to cook for DD anyway.
I love a clean bathroom whereas he doesn't care if it's clean or not and so on.
After lots of arguments over the years we've come up with a system that ensures it's a done with minimal arguing.
So when he leaves it it upsets me.'

Don't cook for him anymore. Leave his cereal bowl that he doesn't wash in the driver's seat. Fuck that 1950s shit. I used to dump people who were in any way slobby for this very reason.

expatinscotland · 26/09/2017 08:35

He backslides because he doesn't have any respect for lifework. It's someone else's job.

Lovemusic33 · 26/09/2017 08:40

Just don't wash anything up, it will build up and you will run out of plates and bowls so he will be unable to eat. Don't cook for him, get yourself a take away. He's being lazy, it's not hard to wash up a couple plates, he should be pulling his weight.

TheLegendOfBeans · 26/09/2017 08:47

On paper, leaving washing up for him to do for 12h+ and leaving yourself no space is petty.

That's not the issue here.

As a PP said (and got it bang on)

My ex dh used to do this. It's not the washing up, it's the contempt for your partner's time that's the issue, and the idea that you are simply too good / too tired for menial jobs that have to be done to keep the house running ok

That man either can't see (passive contempt) or can't be arsed (active contempt) either way it's left to Wifey to do it as - well- she's got all the time in the world, eh?

I lived like this: my XH would do the same to me and that was a childless relationship. It is fuck all to do with scrubbing the pans and everything to do with a lack of respect and balance.

banivani · 26/09/2017 08:48

drfostersbra Understandable reaction. Not surprised the words "recording desk" and "instruments" appeared. ;)

Patchouli666 · 26/09/2017 08:48

drfostersbra....oh, to be a fly on the wall fo that! You go girl!

My hubby is frustratingly the other way round, can't relax after dinner for twenty mins, to we are watching needs to be paused while he goes and washes up the things that can't go in or take too much space in the dw. Then he loads the dw with military precision. Empties it next morning before work, puts bits to dry on the stove top ( Aga type cooker) then if any bits are still on the top when he gets home after work, he has to put them away, with wallet, car keys and laptop bag still on him.

Be careful what you wish for. ( said slightly tongue in cheek )

TheLegendOfBeans · 26/09/2017 08:48

Ps: OP what does he actually do when you go full banshee? Does it hit home and he gets on with it? Or does he do a metaphorical Kenny from South Park and retreat into a hoodie?

Nanny0gg · 26/09/2017 08:52

So what reaction did you get?

Original poster
drfostersbra · 26/09/2017 08:53

Urgh he goes a bit mumbly makes it about me, Inimitate his teenagerish stance and voice. He then goes into full reasonable, saying goodbye before work and telling me he loves me.
I said you can't love me because the love isn't reaching me from here, then "actions speak louder than words, Twat" with a door slam.
I hate that he takes the higher ground by being all calm what a dick.
Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
drfostersbra · 26/09/2017 08:55

Now the usual sulk will ensue, followed by no apology, followed by neither of us really talking for a week.
So time consuming. :(

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 26/09/2017 09:01

Sulking over lifework is ridiculous.

ifonly4 · 26/09/2017 09:04

If you're more likely to end up doing the cooking and washing up, then he's on baby duty, ie cleaning up after your little one, bathtime and bedtime!

morningconstitutional2017 · 26/09/2017 09:18

I don't blame you for feeling that he's slacking but have you considered clearing up as you go along? Use as few knives and spoons as necessary during the prep. Could you serve the meals onto plates or bowls and keep hot in the oven then wash up? When you've finished eating all that needs washing up will be those plates and cutlery.

MIL was a very messy cook - her belief was that 'the cook doesn't wash up' (FIL did it) and the kitchen was such a bomb-site after each meal that the thought of it was enough to make you lose your appetite. Plus the meals weren't as good as she boasted but that's another story.

Original poster
drfostersbra · 26/09/2017 09:21

No. This is about him and his refusal to keep his side of the bargain. Not me and how I leave the kitchen when I cook.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 26/09/2017 09:21

Dead god, the 1950s called, they want their attitude back, as well as the 101 Ways the OP Can Do the Washing Up So Ickle Man Doesn't Have To.

PoorYorick · 26/09/2017 09:22

Just want to say you're right not to out up with it, OP. So disrespectful, childish and sexist. If you don't head it off now, imagine what it'll be like in 30 years.